tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43369543011377309312024-03-18T13:49:47.489-04:00A Day in the Life of MeOn my path of self discovery I realized that I love to write....come on along for the ride!Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.comBlogger165125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-4867514469955742212024-03-18T13:12:00.004-04:002024-03-18T13:20:10.355-04:00May the good Lord be with you down every road you roam...<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmiJrCguTmxD-dVE9ox4riXwTxd-rHIjA0J6mxos0jSFI9U0D1GABkOetRjxnXhejwbo6WawHugQU6ln4Clx6gAvDrAnhXGE98Acz2mRHyL4wY1POJdqrAm5MKdpXPuiR_MsTDN0ev-5i3ABMRCTlxy-OtYtRfIUF9j5ro6Q52sbzRVckqBukVvMavhioS/s2560/2012-01-03%2012.47.35.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="2560" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmiJrCguTmxD-dVE9ox4riXwTxd-rHIjA0J6mxos0jSFI9U0D1GABkOetRjxnXhejwbo6WawHugQU6ln4Clx6gAvDrAnhXGE98Acz2mRHyL4wY1POJdqrAm5MKdpXPuiR_MsTDN0ev-5i3ABMRCTlxy-OtYtRfIUF9j5ro6Q52sbzRVckqBukVvMavhioS/w272-h204/2012-01-03%2012.47.35.jpg" width="272" /></a><div style="text-align: left;">I was fortunate enough to have my son in town last week for a few days. Once again as I waited at the gate for him and my daughter in law to emerge I was brought back to so many memories. Even though they were renting a car there was no way in hell that I would not be waiting for them at that gate. It has been 7 months since I have seen him. I remembered my parents waiting at that very same gate dozens of times to greet us when we arrived to visit. It felt truly surreal. As soon as I saw him I lost my mind. I held onto him like I hadn't seen him in years and as if I didn't communicate with him almost daily. I guess I block the feeling of missing him until he's right in front of me.</div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBdELGqRtdkSftSifqLYseYGD5NlBtznN09anlso2ncRJ2puvn6fDSP4_42yevK65qvmyki9dpri6KFXX3-Zwg7iW656AzppjSsFLJrYN3Vmepn7xgpYahG6dxwqd5-Wt40MLLwUzllcRosOjjL9nvA1SYJURyZgPm2dc9qcBttKszq3SFJPqG68N2vJ-N/s1024/00000741_Original.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBdELGqRtdkSftSifqLYseYGD5NlBtznN09anlso2ncRJ2puvn6fDSP4_42yevK65qvmyki9dpri6KFXX3-Zwg7iW656AzppjSsFLJrYN3Vmepn7xgpYahG6dxwqd5-Wt40MLLwUzllcRosOjjL9nvA1SYJURyZgPm2dc9qcBttKszq3SFJPqG68N2vJ-N/w281-h211/00000741_Original.JPG" width="281" /></a></div>As we made our way down to baggage claim and I stood back while they handled their rental car it struck me (as it always does)....he's a man. He's married and lives a life that I am no longer truly a part of. While he shares a lot with me and I am grateful he does, I am no longer a key player in this life he lives. When did that happen? I suppose as a parent God makes these changes slowly so that we don't notice it and it doesn't sting quite so badly. But every once in a while -BAM it hits. This was such a time. I have never wanted to keep my children little. I loved every moment (well almost -the 4s were NOT my favorite 😉) and I devoted my life to raising them. So I didn't miss a moment truth be told, so I always looked at them at whatever age they were and never compared them to the little person they once were. Until this week. I watched him navigate a new job, heard him on meetings being introduced to team members and I (as I always am) was stunned at how professional and mature and capable he is. But that little boy kept popping into my head. Sometimes it was something he said that reminded me of that magnetic tot. And my heart ached. It ached for that time when I was his whole world (except for baseball - I think baseball always took top spot 😅). This is why mother in laws get a bad rap. Because they can't get over that feeling of loss.<p></p><p>Thankfully, I know he is in good hands. His wife loves</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ8Nisf69lNfvdQAdGYWnfKBRqX7yRcJvDfNvM307SZQLKYioKrDSeCbfWLekmTTtfKASV6_rAVsv6hHoTnFzWllWuAeCZeuWIyInfXswJWAav-pwcz4BybBNvLhWtb3jy0M9QfTdl0eKOXTYuDVt-2tlHQ_9HqP7fTXAqbyD9gYWS_hsGP6mSLihMebk9/s1024/00000757.JPG" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ8Nisf69lNfvdQAdGYWnfKBRqX7yRcJvDfNvM307SZQLKYioKrDSeCbfWLekmTTtfKASV6_rAVsv6hHoTnFzWllWuAeCZeuWIyInfXswJWAav-pwcz4BybBNvLhWtb3jy0M9QfTdl0eKOXTYuDVt-2tlHQ_9HqP7fTXAqbyD9gYWS_hsGP6mSLihMebk9/w282-h212/00000757.JPG" width="282" /></a></div>him and definitely takes very good care of him. He also still keeps in touch with me frequently and doesn't push that off to his wife. But this is something no one teaches a mother of sons-that they become men. And as a woman, I don't always understand his logic and thinking. Watching my daughter grow up is like watching a new and improved version of me. The closeness we share is that of almost sisters. I don't ever wonder - am I overstepping? Should I say that to her? Is she going to think I am criticizing her? I just say whatever it is and it's easy. With a son, they become men and look at moms differently, they think differently. They hopefully know that you're proud of them but it's just different. There is a hidden boundary that cannot be crossed I feel. It's a respect thing maybe? I need to respect that he is a man and will do things his own way and doesn't necessarily want my opinion or thoughts. So, when I am asked I give them, if I am not I keep it to myself. <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlCr97dv1HYus9T5UjOh3WXx0ValVbaaDl1ru_ub_a-AOfpDabOrD2oKu51mEylcqcFEuFIzUq4x3w6MJ164p7c6z-iZ6AT489Pcd1-Mnf08B8i4-4bVQL24SLsaLoGG1NolxQIBcfRRfC0kdlVb3HOmA6B4oxl5Jbhr2iePFGb3VCh1_D2YAokSfrt4tt/s3648/IMG_1363.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2736" data-original-width="3648" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlCr97dv1HYus9T5UjOh3WXx0ValVbaaDl1ru_ub_a-AOfpDabOrD2oKu51mEylcqcFEuFIzUq4x3w6MJ164p7c6z-iZ6AT489Pcd1-Mnf08B8i4-4bVQL24SLsaLoGG1NolxQIBcfRRfC0kdlVb3HOmA6B4oxl5Jbhr2iePFGb3VCh1_D2YAokSfrt4tt/w267-h200/IMG_1363.JPG" width="267" /></a></div><br />It feels weird honestly. And I never really thought about it before. But I remember my mother would be very careful what she said to my brother as opposed to what she would say to my sister or myself. I thought she was being ridiculous - that's your son! I remember her crying because she got a card from my brother that he signed himself and wrote love before his name. But I get it now, I do. <br />And my ex mother in law. I always felt like she was so good, never interfered. Now I realize she was trying to be a good mother in law (she was!). I wish I had understood back then just how hard it was for her to lose that connection with her son. But it is just the circle of life. It reminds me of that wedding song "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home". I understand it so well now. It is the necessary process for growth. And I am ok with it most of the time. Like I said, I have never thought about it before last week.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>So, for all you daughter in laws out there (I was one of them) be sympathetic when your mother in law does something that pisses you off. Remember, she gave you one of her most loved and cherished gifts to share your life with. I remember I made a cross stitch for my mother in law with a poem that she hung in her family room, it said this ..<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi765EZ7P58dBTTe-UYPAc0QQTD9NM0TVOCghg1iTyqXqz8xQ6u-OoC0V0L8i6A0APLI83ZyzNVX1gdcHPEpJ9_UnnwpSWJsVo4CiRwSIyo80fP_kqbG14BVMxoKv3nAkpvts2UNGoG52EOIxQdSJpfK5h1zHZmvkKC7Y8aBOxBA8q_jP869VXlVbtKabSU" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1557" data-original-width="1170" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi765EZ7P58dBTTe-UYPAc0QQTD9NM0TVOCghg1iTyqXqz8xQ6u-OoC0V0L8i6A0APLI83ZyzNVX1gdcHPEpJ9_UnnwpSWJsVo4CiRwSIyo80fP_kqbG14BVMxoKv3nAkpvts2UNGoG52EOIxQdSJpfK5h1zHZmvkKC7Y8aBOxBA8q_jP869VXlVbtKabSU" width="180" /></a></div>Now did I feel all of that? When I made it I did....not so much most of the time truth be told. I wanted so badly to be a good daughter in law. I tried so hard to make them comfortable in my home, made their favorite foods, had her favorite wine. But she had daughters, and I had a mom so we never truly connected. I wish I had known then what I know now--I would have been more patient and kind with her shortcomings. Because, let's face it - we ALL have them. And for all you mother in laws out there---back off. Your daughter in law is doing the very best she can and your son is not a saint. She's navigating marriage and should not have to navigate the minefield that is the family dynamic. And whether you like it or not - she knows your son better than you do! You know the little boy/young adult he was - she is living with him as a man. They are different individuals. And if you have any hope of getting to know that man that he becomes, you need to befriend your daughter in law</div><div>and also get to know the man that is now your son. Accept his choices and personality and everything that comes along with that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUF7b-AB_lX2M6Ot3RhQRlu_3BCaNuUQMnbT1vhYovNmlem1ag8qRxFl-hC21Bkd1tXqzylgQQdo9USvsAhqlM_5jWfqCs1X49HzsTh3Yzdzq9l_gdIFsCUqqCPZR9hL68vDLjRgdqvKIn0HEAtxnRZnWA06PuKiW9RVRfM_gOBXEitQQlic7RJDxjYDJm/s827/meanddanny.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="826" data-original-width="827" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUF7b-AB_lX2M6Ot3RhQRlu_3BCaNuUQMnbT1vhYovNmlem1ag8qRxFl-hC21Bkd1tXqzylgQQdo9USvsAhqlM_5jWfqCs1X49HzsTh3Yzdzq9l_gdIFsCUqqCPZR9hL68vDLjRgdqvKIn0HEAtxnRZnWA06PuKiW9RVRfM_gOBXEitQQlic7RJDxjYDJm/w230-h230/meanddanny.jpg" width="230" /></a></div><br /><div>I have always tried to just make my children's lives easier. I have not put demands on them when it comes to spending time with me or holidays or any of that. I remember how stressful life can be when you're navigating adulthood and who are we kidding? LIFE! It's not easy. And my job, as their mother is to support them and if that means taking a back seat then that's where I will be. How lucky am I to have been there since they took their first breath and have the memories of those sticky little fingers and toddler arms wrapped around my neck. I raised in love a little boy and now he is a man. A man that I am so very very proud of. A man that makes tough decisions and stands by them, good or bad. A man that is not afraid to take chances and who is sought after in his field.</div><div><br /><div>These are the things we need to focus on. Not the past and what no longer is but the<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRGwwJ6Qlo_qDT6mb59B0Pxn7g_zZgWSMZu04Ue0bXlBS2b7v4sSREUWO2T2ydc_aa2QhNNb0XPuJuh0IxIh2BuZOE5Vgr2PouRRZn25Ki6cmsMvV8uW9LzR3S_xbHbzoUeIyu5zMuOC-mPrGf0I-qHsoGioqRFqyJjjCdsmHis_ELBWGo_PC6wrwdDdMa/s960/FB_IMG_1471909671319.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="540" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRGwwJ6Qlo_qDT6mb59B0Pxn7g_zZgWSMZu04Ue0bXlBS2b7v4sSREUWO2T2ydc_aa2QhNNb0XPuJuh0IxIh2BuZOE5Vgr2PouRRZn25Ki6cmsMvV8uW9LzR3S_xbHbzoUeIyu5zMuOC-mPrGf0I-qHsoGioqRFqyJjjCdsmHis_ELBWGo_PC6wrwdDdMa/w107-h191/FB_IMG_1471909671319.jpg" width="107" /></a></div></div><div>future and how lucky we are to have gotten this far! If we did it right our children</div><div>will still want us to be part of their lives. We will get to see them do things we wish we had done....or help them pick up the pieces when they make the same mistakes we did. I remember people saying that I needed to have a daughter, sons leave you blah blah blah. Guess what? Having a daughter doesn't necessarily mean they stay.....some mother and daughter relationships are a disaster! But I do agree that raising a son and raising a daughter are completely different, however I would not trade the experience of both for anything in the world. And when the time comes that my daughter has a mother in law I hope she remembers that her husband is still that mom's little boy. And I hope her mother in law respects the fact that my daughter is his future and doesn't overstep. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiS0niYXScCo5CtAj6wWNPCuA_WWxj6Xao-aUC-zZI5a3abptxAhFOUKQEGHGEQdHqhbW-aGvoyAvtbX8-m36oag5WKI9TsbFNdVf_CbDx4HL0-PG4JAPKWUyOQnxAsCiqCq6ts4RnyMmv6gtVlVpf8lYaZ8zdV94KzrIXcydXJCcZfg_3ohejAEa6hEWy/s979/FB_IMG_1540730659017_Original.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="717" data-original-width="979" height="145" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiS0niYXScCo5CtAj6wWNPCuA_WWxj6Xao-aUC-zZI5a3abptxAhFOUKQEGHGEQdHqhbW-aGvoyAvtbX8-m36oag5WKI9TsbFNdVf_CbDx4HL0-PG4JAPKWUyOQnxAsCiqCq6ts4RnyMmv6gtVlVpf8lYaZ8zdV94KzrIXcydXJCcZfg_3ohejAEa6hEWy/w198-h145/FB_IMG_1540730659017_Original.jpg" width="198" /></a></div>So, what I learned this week was that you can't go back. Looking at my son as the child he once was only hurts my heart and I don't want to go there. I will do my best to not get my feelings hurt while he is living his life (as he should) that doesn't really include me anymore. And I will look at him as a man I am so very very proud of, I will be excited when he sends me videos of when he plays softball. I will cherish every text and phone call and every "Hey mom---can I get your opinion on this?" and be grateful. Grateful for the role I played in his childhood and the role I will play in his life going forward, whatever that looks like. And if you're really lucky - moms of sons - you get a best friend for life and if you're extra lucky - one who makes literally the best espresso martinis in the world and you get to toast them and the future they are creating. Because spending time with my "boy", is never just a day in the life.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM7r5bCApJp8wlQ1xT3vTrzcQcHMpECSjhZDOdwWzk2KCeGswH3z3dBqwrNPMejoEKsx3YcrY-Jor76SQw2la18UcmoKarzA0VGHdluTdvpEsWvF0bQCPwtPrPJ54HalGm3tqTKs6zCdePOUDuNFNsa5MDvSv7fw9mnkz9hDpWdMBZQaUQr4VCVboyozvL/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM7r5bCApJp8wlQ1xT3vTrzcQcHMpECSjhZDOdwWzk2KCeGswH3z3dBqwrNPMejoEKsx3YcrY-Jor76SQw2la18UcmoKarzA0VGHdluTdvpEsWvF0bQCPwtPrPJ54HalGm3tqTKs6zCdePOUDuNFNsa5MDvSv7fw9mnkz9hDpWdMBZQaUQr4VCVboyozvL/w136-h150/IMG_2214.PNG" width="136" /></a></div><br /><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p></div><br /></div></div>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-50160185595332410192024-03-04T15:39:00.001-05:002024-03-04T16:00:49.801-05:00Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you--only you can let it in<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigOCiy91SZI8aV73EWDBbqvbRVP4yA9WhPyGLjF97bcz_zNhdOhHXOJcK9g2f1sKmzUimcOD_Mbe3SHpI5JcV0hNiNrb0xo1_hvU_EnkTH2PTuZFyAfSp2Oufz_BRzEfRwvyLWDz0JkdFWdVHDzQC31Pr9gjZnX6cujeLauuDZG4c4sIbKk0tZ8tuIE9TS/s1447/IMG_4112.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1447" data-original-width="1170" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigOCiy91SZI8aV73EWDBbqvbRVP4yA9WhPyGLjF97bcz_zNhdOhHXOJcK9g2f1sKmzUimcOD_Mbe3SHpI5JcV0hNiNrb0xo1_hvU_EnkTH2PTuZFyAfSp2Oufz_BRzEfRwvyLWDz0JkdFWdVHDzQC31Pr9gjZnX6cujeLauuDZG4c4sIbKk0tZ8tuIE9TS/w181-h224/IMG_4112.PNG" width="181" /></a> New week, new month, new...no...not a new me. Same old me. Slightly reformed, definitely upgraded, but somewhere inside I am still me. So many revelations in the last 4 days since March began. Sometimes the thoughts race through my head so quickly I cannot even grasp them. Something seems SO significant, yet when I go to write it down or even run it by someone I can't remember what was so important that I felt it HAD to be an epiphany. Even as I sit here at my keyboard ready to spew out some profound realization my mind is racing. So---here goes, not sure it will make any sense or if it will actually be read by anyone other than me, but I'll take a shot!</div><p></p><p>I have had the same meditation practice in the morning for nearly a year. I have rotated devotionals and different forms of "manifestation"(I despise that word at the moment) and gratitude (love that word always!). Lately it is leaving me flat. I am finding that it feels more like a chore than the uplifting, spiritual connection I am looking for to start my day. Ok, so switch it up right? Yeah...ummm.that's a bit of an issue for several reasons. 1. I cannot focus my brain on anything currently to even attempt to find something else to try. 2. I am a quitter. That's right, you read it right---I QUIT. My mother used to call me lazy and a slob. It is one of those labels I have never been able to shake. Even as I type it I feel the shame and tears creep up as if I am still that 13 year old girl who did not even understand it fully. My mother was a machine. She never stopped, never rested, never took a break. My childhood home was spotless at any moment on any given day you could eat off the floors. I felt like I lacked that gene, and as I became an adult I realized.....no...I resented it. I resented that cleaning always took priority over everything else. Mom, can we do xyz? We'll see, after I finish vacuuming/dusting/laundry fill in the blank. My mother felt that was her way of being valued/worthy/contributing. It's a long story and I understand why now but remember I was a kid! Stay with me. I think this is going somewhere.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gayTGK7SZ3U-9M1UAkyOc6Q7umk6Qa-5iUt-3soaeQUUA49ACl4MYttUsTvkQENq60KyvxirfVt0iCNvWSDQ6t4dLTZ-bjRHil9OeFL-vy0Ab7b6s1QSrJt6eYvvU7yeKktK7Gx4KI6zdATaCrz0prMWu1d2ooIxVgvTDCj568qyHPzmhplILss-_mD_/s1170/IMG_3950.PNG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="553" data-original-width="1170" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gayTGK7SZ3U-9M1UAkyOc6Q7umk6Qa-5iUt-3soaeQUUA49ACl4MYttUsTvkQENq60KyvxirfVt0iCNvWSDQ6t4dLTZ-bjRHil9OeFL-vy0Ab7b6s1QSrJt6eYvvU7yeKktK7Gx4KI6zdATaCrz0prMWu1d2ooIxVgvTDCj568qyHPzmhplILss-_mD_/s320/IMG_3950.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>Ok, so when I became a mom I refused to let anything take priority over my kids. My home was never dirty, but it was lived in. I homeschooled and my kids always had a playroom and I refused to make them clean up the latest episode of Power Rangers or "Dirt" Men/Heros or Barbie's latest adventure at the end of the day because I knew the next day that play would continue and I would never mess with their creativity just for aesthetics. Those days are long gone and I knew they would go fast. My kids are all very neat and clean and orderly so it did not make them "slobs", it encouraged their creativity. And they were always allowed to change their minds without negative feedback. Which brings me back to me being a "quitter". I have such a hard time when I realize something isn't working for me anymore - whether it be a journal, a book, a movie, a relationship, clothing---- you name it. I always question - am I being lazy? Am I not giving it enough effort? Is it just a mood? 59 years old and I still need permission from that 13 year old girl to move on!</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitPsipDm6SOxBtiq8TXPA8qDceormCm1bjo28t6cIkpUOR57BlVAg1dKHElJFcLLPxoSw5Q_hGVTJkx2S1lL3uo6skcDIy6bDLbqIcNCPpSvgoHdeq3C9vFmcLaK88RnOhYHj0S1j3BcOIX2iNPo2jVkV8zUKMdyRG9D1BwLoyMN8EipARuKDrxCPqWla4/s1170/IMG_3600.PNG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1160" data-original-width="1170" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitPsipDm6SOxBtiq8TXPA8qDceormCm1bjo28t6cIkpUOR57BlVAg1dKHElJFcLLPxoSw5Q_hGVTJkx2S1lL3uo6skcDIy6bDLbqIcNCPpSvgoHdeq3C9vFmcLaK88RnOhYHj0S1j3BcOIX2iNPo2jVkV8zUKMdyRG9D1BwLoyMN8EipARuKDrxCPqWla4/s320/IMG_3600.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><br />This morning my daughter and I were having our morning "debrief" as we have begun to call it. And we were discussing this issue. We have both started doing "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrnes. We are on day 17 and it required a print out. I printed 2 and I went to give her one. Well my incredible daughter said "Ma, that's not working for me anymore - I am just gonna stop doing it." I squirmed in my seat, holding my coffee mug between both hands, "Um well I think I need to find something to replace it, I just..I mean I am ..." "Tina Marie!" she exclaimed "No! You are allowed to take a break! Give me all those self help/spiritual books. I think you've done enough work on yourself! It's OK to just BE!" She's so wise----no clue where she got that from.(kidding - I know I did an incredible job on her -I gave her permission to be who she is without labels.😇). Jeez, I am getting all misty and again my thoughts are all over the place. Ok...where was I ....oh that's right....How to know when it's ok to quit/change your mind/ move on to something else.<p></p><p>When is it ok to give yourself permission to give up? To say this is not working anymore I will no longer do this. Does everyone have an issue with this or is it just me? Yesterday I was watching some of my favorite trash/reality TV and a mother and daughter were speaking to a therapist and the mom said well I don't let things really bother me. And slowly it came out that she took things that hurt her and put them away for a better time to address it...and eventually they all got shoved in a closet and were never dealt with. And she came to the realization that eventually she stopped feeling---stopped feeling disappointment, hurt, sadness....hmmmm damn it. I felt the tears flowing down my face. Shit. I thought all along I was growing and healing and look at me! Nothing hurts anymore - I am bulletproof. I am so easy going - look at me taking it all in stride. I am a machine.......oh...where have I heard that before. If we do not admit the mistakes we have made we are destined to repeat them. I have protected my heart so much that I didn't even realize how much things hurt. So....I pulled out my trusty journal and out it all came. I am not a cold bitch after all. I have just had too much hurt and disappointment and unrequited love and devotion for this lifetime. That is why I keep people at arms length. Not because I don't care, but because I care too much and it is rarely reciprocated (hence the self help books---there MUST be something wrong with me because no one really truly cares about me long term). Well no amount of self-healing/work will change that so guess what? I quit. I am keeping this version of me and if I am the only one who accepts her then so be it. I worked really hard on her. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPeZBBp1-Y4lYyEeUvTzmNTk5m5jbd22Ty6ooyJZJZxEqC4jgZNr15OZ2T9Nuo2s7a1VKtRGjQ75mUvg1onov6sbGJ7U6CaLevKsmUq4DTXet5olXYKC8BNFfjLkwU94lXbqLyNeuZeTND_jRIaLGTNLNJsd4775aRDzb4J-Y1aEk0nJT0MAm9eM5Rp-y0/s1244/IMG_4129.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1244" data-original-width="944" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPeZBBp1-Y4lYyEeUvTzmNTk5m5jbd22Ty6ooyJZJZxEqC4jgZNr15OZ2T9Nuo2s7a1VKtRGjQ75mUvg1onov6sbGJ7U6CaLevKsmUq4DTXet5olXYKC8BNFfjLkwU94lXbqLyNeuZeTND_jRIaLGTNLNJsd4775aRDzb4J-Y1aEk0nJT0MAm9eM5Rp-y0/s320/IMG_4129.PNG" width="243" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p> I am grateful for any of you who actually got through this maze of thoughts (welcome to my brain lately-scary place). There is another book inside me somewhere and I need to figure out what it is because I have been really needing a creative outlet. Reading/doing "The Magic" has made me realize that maybe not everyone is grateful everyday....maybe people don't thank people for the little things --- maybe I am a "Wacko" (as my dad so kindly labeled me for many years)...so be it. I will continue to try to shine a light when I can and not hide in the shadows when I can't. I am ready to find that new morning routine that lights me up again and I won't stop until I find it....because it's not quitting, it is just a day in the life!</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH-s35Bg1GnmlIT_42_EkfpVd2GZ92XTBBrSRB3ThslJUsVo129zqVouivuHDjP-AZzQGfUkapca5WCLQExGPtzL0GnTJvjjhWgYi0dZFyjRFyo51RWZ6Iqff1WDkrbxDdIBI_mkhjSydNk09jTenJvBSqFzffqGfPhLVv6Gvw9SPf-fQp6dUGXLL0nHT-/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH-s35Bg1GnmlIT_42_EkfpVd2GZ92XTBBrSRB3ThslJUsVo129zqVouivuHDjP-AZzQGfUkapca5WCLQExGPtzL0GnTJvjjhWgYi0dZFyjRFyo51RWZ6Iqff1WDkrbxDdIBI_mkhjSydNk09jTenJvBSqFzffqGfPhLVv6Gvw9SPf-fQp6dUGXLL0nHT-/w173-h190/IMG_2214.PNG" width="173" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-82542852916333303462024-02-20T10:29:00.003-05:002024-02-20T10:33:51.805-05:00Sending Forget Me Nots-Help me to Remember<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgUvHD52khAwZ6z6gOwd574TwPiYW_ZKpjxpTuql1RSXzHhWhyDAur471BHqgxab560xMQ64ECcC9iQstNSnVGLQ0Hpd-f54vPo6fBuqzAspRYy3y2WCmr74efU4Yk6-WwfCkZt9bF2CEI-KRoKeDqBZEODrqdZUBCaZn8SptFS6P_FT9aHQ4uBN5fEpym/s1170/IMG_3950.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="553" data-original-width="1170" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgUvHD52khAwZ6z6gOwd574TwPiYW_ZKpjxpTuql1RSXzHhWhyDAur471BHqgxab560xMQ64ECcC9iQstNSnVGLQ0Hpd-f54vPo6fBuqzAspRYy3y2WCmr74efU4Yk6-WwfCkZt9bF2CEI-KRoKeDqBZEODrqdZUBCaZn8SptFS6P_FT9aHQ4uBN5fEpym/s320/IMG_3950.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><br />This morning during my morning meditation I had my hand on my heart and felt my heartbeat strongly. There was a time not too long ago that I did not feel my heartbeat no matter how hard I tried. Not sure why, I will not even attempt to understand why. While feeling that steady beat I was instantly transported to when I heard each one of my children's heartbeats for the first time. The tears started to flow. As a mother, that is one of the most memorable times in pregnancy. I was never anxious or nervous when I was pregnant - as always I knew God would allow me to have a healthy baby. I haven't thought about that moment in at least 20 years. I was brought back to those often cold exam rooms and I felt the joy and wonder of each one of their heartbeats. I think I cried every single time I had an appointment and I heard that heartbeat. My cousin had her third child this month and she told me she had forgotten how difficult C-Section recovery was - especially with 2 other little ones at home. I told her that is how God gets us to have more children - we forget what we have to go through to get there! Because it is always worth it in the end. It made me think about how many other things we get amnesia about in order to put ourselves through it again.<p></p><p>Moving--- every single time I move (and I have moved over a dozen times in my lifetime) I have convenient amnesia about what a pain in the ass it is. Yet moving day comes and I cringe and no matter how hard I worked and how much I prepared that last minute stuff keeps coming out of every crevice. And each time I swear - never again! But the alternative is staying in a place where I no longer want to be or belong. Not acceptable, soooo we put ourselves through it again.</p><p>Career/Job Changes - we are so convinced that the place we are in is so awful we must look for another job. Or maybe it's financially - we need a raise and we are not getting it where we are. We are so optimistic and excited about the possibility of change that we forget how awful the interview process is. And then when we do get the new position and have that first day - oh my! We forget how to uncomfortable it is to not know what the hell you are doing and trying to navigate new office relationships and procedures and that it takes close to a month before you start feeling at ease, and ew what if we made a mistake and this place is worse than the last? If we remembered all of those things it might have stopped us from doing what was needed and moving to a new workplace.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi09-IvwlNp28GfG8GuzRTlOme5VQsgj1ql4f2-eSMPbianbYZlNmzVKsNLopdMIIHxfZpToMY9WNird1Dm8Rvs7aDn2ngc2Kpe_iahBLNwrL9V03FTlcxGY_Kv0Xitj_f7iRcbBshZnrD6h6tavl-4fN_cGzKlDzRKqLQz1XIY2l2tjV5ZFkXKCSg1G4Q_/s1438/IMG_3949.PNG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1438" data-original-width="1170" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi09-IvwlNp28GfG8GuzRTlOme5VQsgj1ql4f2-eSMPbianbYZlNmzVKsNLopdMIIHxfZpToMY9WNird1Dm8Rvs7aDn2ngc2Kpe_iahBLNwrL9V03FTlcxGY_Kv0Xitj_f7iRcbBshZnrD6h6tavl-4fN_cGzKlDzRKqLQz1XIY2l2tjV5ZFkXKCSg1G4Q_/w201-h247/IMG_3949.PNG" width="201" /></a></div><br />Love - giving your heart to another person. Would any of us ever do this if we remembered how deeply the last one hurt? How much pain you can endure when you give your heart to someone and it gets broken? We would never give our heart again. So conveniently, we allow ourselves to hope and believe that this time will be different. And eventually, it is - we find that person who is worth any amount of heartbreak in the past or difficulty now or in the future. Although no relationship is perfect, we find one that is the best we have ever had and we stay. We never would find that if we had the memories of past heartbreak at the forefront of our minds.<p></p><p>So, the goal in most things in life is to not look back? I disagree with that. If we don't remember the past we are doomed to repeat it. We need to grow from the past and then move on from it. I can confidently say that I do not really even recognize my former self, however in some situations I remember her and I thank her for paving the way for the current version of me. As much as she is different she is still a part of me. Sometimes the best parts. Selective amnesia, although is necessary sometimes to encourage us to make difficult choices. My meditation today was about embracing the present and facing the future with eyes and heart wide open. After all, that past is gone, we don't live there anymore. The future is what we decide to make it. And today? Well....today is just a day in the life.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS9Hu1Z5HddUV2eFuVD9hqL0YLdTVxFhUYJN8ibsmUGTu9nmL_BNdgXGSmepQaOTzjTtgrW1WROnlZcqJY01HWkc6lTehdiSGg-agnY11_CwOd4OOuJkC_i-QLKrqhd8308vr2lL2K9nZtL3jqcCsA7wZhdpWGDLgjLU7u0d8MuhtvMoJKlPHM711LlIzP/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS9Hu1Z5HddUV2eFuVD9hqL0YLdTVxFhUYJN8ibsmUGTu9nmL_BNdgXGSmepQaOTzjTtgrW1WROnlZcqJY01HWkc6lTehdiSGg-agnY11_CwOd4OOuJkC_i-QLKrqhd8308vr2lL2K9nZtL3jqcCsA7wZhdpWGDLgjLU7u0d8MuhtvMoJKlPHM711LlIzP/w164-h181/IMG_2214.PNG" width="164" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-8843840460387438902024-02-14T15:20:00.000-05:002024-02-14T15:21:07.409-05:00L is for the way you look at me....O is for the only one I see, V is very very---extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can LOVE<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQhD_8NPxrEKgSZKfbcqFoMIthj6YLBFsuYAjHI43cMXLHkvA9_DX98gs8iVOo22qf_N92iRb1RjNWiSWME-6h4PeeYJGckMEG4rV18OumVGalrgjQpat-RvJscWFUvOcvQmbKvwg2YKAtBTUVcHimFxmMl0cyS3_LYJvSV4qEODUAOP9wb-m675RZyIlz/s1280/20140712_204631780_iOS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQhD_8NPxrEKgSZKfbcqFoMIthj6YLBFsuYAjHI43cMXLHkvA9_DX98gs8iVOo22qf_N92iRb1RjNWiSWME-6h4PeeYJGckMEG4rV18OumVGalrgjQpat-RvJscWFUvOcvQmbKvwg2YKAtBTUVcHimFxmMl0cyS3_LYJvSV4qEODUAOP9wb-m675RZyIlz/s320/20140712_204631780_iOS.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Valentines day......not one of my favorite days in the year. In FACT - I am not a fan AT ALL. 9 years ago today I said goodbye to my mom for the last time. In fact as I sat at the table this morning, the very table I held her hand at and said goodbye and I just felt sad. I miss her. So much. I lied to her that morning. It was a lie of love - I was protecting her from things that she couldn't know about. Even the fact that I had put past issues behind me - I smiled and said I forgave her. I lied. I would not forgive her fully until my dad passed away almost 7 years later. But what good would it have done for her to know? It would not have helped either one of us. However - I am NOT a liar! I do not lie. And I don't appreciate people who do. So this really still doesn't sit well with me. I have apologized to her and she knows....she knows how much I love(d) her and I didn't want her to hurt any more than she already did. But I wish I had 5 more minutes to hold her hand and look her in the eye and say those words again and mean them. I love you, and I forgive you!</p><p><br /></p><p>This brings me to today's post. Love. Truth. Forgiveness. So many people don't feel or express those three things the way they should---the way they would if they knew their time on earth with someone was not guaranteed. And what is up with all the big gestures on Valentines day? What about a regular Monday in June? Tuesday in March? Why do people save these things for a "special occasion" - if you are lucky enough to feel love for someone - say it! Shout it from the rooftops. You are blessed and so are they. Who doesn't want to feel loved? And not because someone has to, because they can't help but feel it. Maybe because some people weaponize love---use it to manipulate someone? Get them to follow along? Who knows why people don't express it easily or freely, but they should. </p><p><br /></p><p>So many people these days say they never heard I love you as a child. Honestly? I don't remember if my parents said it often, but I knew they did. I felt it deep inside, I felt safe and loved whether they said it or not. I know as an adult they said it - all the time so I am assuming they said it when I was little. I don't believe it is a word that should be thrown around like it's meaningless either. So--how do you know when it's real or just a word? I would assume it's like when I was a child.....you just feel it.</p><p><br /></p><p>What about forgiveness? So many people say they forgive someone but yet they keep things in their back pocket just in case...that's not true forgiveness. When you forgive someone you need to start with a clean slate and trust and believe they will not do whatever it is again. Or that they truly didn't mean to hurt you. And if you are lucky enough to receive true forgiveness you need to do the same - pay it forward.</p><p>My daddy made Valentines day so special for me and my sister and my mom. But he also remembered to bring my mom flowers every month on the 21st which was their anniversary. And she remembered to show him love every Thursday as they celebrated the beginning of their weekends in the later years. Maybe that is why I believe in love and I believe you should show it and say it when you feel it. Because I had such an amazing example growing up, not everyone did. But you can change that today---you can be that example to others. And I am going to believe that my mom knows that although I lied that day when I said goodbye that I love her more than she could ever know and I forgive her with my whole heart.</p><p>And honestly? Today is just another day in the life after all.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDm6P4fo0LfuesSo6vsb9I8QF0Agphtr4OQLKo56CHMVv4dKGk19vmcPrsdBgliug0NKanKt4WP0UciqttcCm6CPCWSMaaNjKD95muimf2Uk7frXFecHjVFWimaMkg8WMurAaWw8m40CM6nvgV9XGGVWeStmgP5kQ8tQugwPNMgTlSacNxJ8gzRBS2OzjW/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDm6P4fo0LfuesSo6vsb9I8QF0Agphtr4OQLKo56CHMVv4dKGk19vmcPrsdBgliug0NKanKt4WP0UciqttcCm6CPCWSMaaNjKD95muimf2Uk7frXFecHjVFWimaMkg8WMurAaWw8m40CM6nvgV9XGGVWeStmgP5kQ8tQugwPNMgTlSacNxJ8gzRBS2OzjW/w165-h182/IMG_2214.PNG" width="165" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-7037348154089148132024-01-21T20:53:00.001-05:002024-01-21T20:55:07.551-05:00I’ve Got the Music in Me<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSoQbwRtNCdFxXtVRqy2Fdp70B7zCvWzgjMtpnhazZ0WBR1XWXe7-auueIAWZ6wwu2MQW-8tPcjwWQvPT5Z0CAuKhPt75V27S_ESjkt0mtMbAD4D-9j1NSTBxVEzkkl4ebV1SHfM_F7jLvPo85xXXprJG1Zk-0jV93p4yZnOWwIYeZOtvincZNVbR1g-CL/s4032/IMG_3491.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSoQbwRtNCdFxXtVRqy2Fdp70B7zCvWzgjMtpnhazZ0WBR1XWXe7-auueIAWZ6wwu2MQW-8tPcjwWQvPT5Z0CAuKhPt75V27S_ESjkt0mtMbAD4D-9j1NSTBxVEzkkl4ebV1SHfM_F7jLvPo85xXXprJG1Zk-0jV93p4yZnOWwIYeZOtvincZNVbR1g-CL/w187-h249/IMG_3491.HEIC" width="187" /></a></div><br /> <span face="Helvetica, arial, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-size: 16px; text-size-adjust: 100%;">Music soothes the savage beast. Music soothes the soul. Music is magic. I remember back when my kids were little I took a quiz to see what affects my moods. I remember candles made me happy...and that I was sensitive to noise. However, music was right up there with what could affect my mood in a powerful way, I had a 500 CD holder and I insisted on having speakers in the ceiling of the house we had built in Arizona. I didn't care about much else, but that was a must have for sure. I have videos of my boys dancing from the time they could stand. I love that my kids all love the oldies and know the lyrics of songs that a lot of kids (now adults) would not.</span><p></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">I once did a Facebook post asking people to post a song that reminded them of me. It was a great experiment. I am sure there are certain songs that automatically bring you back to a specific moment in your life, or a specific person. With that comes a flood of feelings, some positive, some not so great. I have made playlists labeled by people close to me and also a happy playlist and a weepy playlist. I will try to link the happy ones here. </span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">Why a weepy playlist? C'mon - haven't you ever needed a good cry? I used to weep at the drop of the hat. As I have gotten older and more hardened sometimes the tears just don't flow. But you know that feeling in your throat and chest when you just know you need to let it out? Hence, the weepy playlist. I have been doing "brain dumps" lately more often then usual and the weepy playlist does the trick - I find myself writing things I didn't even know I felt through the tears and every single time I feel like myself when I am done.</span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">Spotify made me a playlist called "Feel Good Classics". I have been listening during the week at my desk and it makes my workday fly and I find myself dancing while I get another cup of coffee or have my lunch. What a mood booster! Even dealing with cranky guests or vendors my sing song voice is prevelant. Powerful!</span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">I am turning 59 years old tomorrow. I was having a bit of a not so great day yesterday and this morning. I didn't sleep well and woke up cranky. That is not usually my personality and I was not having it. So I decided to watch one of my favorite movies and then play that playlist and I instantly felt like myself. Why haven't I done this more often? The power in the lyrics and melodies is just magic. It transports me to a place where life is just easy. As I type this Sonny and Cher are singing in my ears---I got you babe! It's a time warp back to so many moments in my life. Happy mostly...today I won't let the sad ones pop up. Afterall - it is birthday eve and I am celebrating the gift of life. How lucky I am to be healthy and be given another trip around the sun. </span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">So I challenge you.....the next time you are feeling down go to your favorite music and find that joy. I can assure you that it won't let you down. And when you feel better you DO better. You can spread positivity around and the world just feels like a better place. </span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">It’s NOT just a day in the life!</span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYiUAqpcj4Tb9e9L23Yn0o5JaNcuQ4GKMxSYgRNOBABzRhvwW99LEox2ZBD3mW_VEiKusohi-X-eFd_ozDKN7RBDrnqgsJBoJUdkE6xyVlnqk2SmxIPcD1eCTbr8kBUfB4IXyAD1FAc6K1kb-LymocU57V3Bw9eZRkgmgWiXs3CMi9gktZSwDrBjpYICY_/s200/image.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYiUAqpcj4Tb9e9L23Yn0o5JaNcuQ4GKMxSYgRNOBABzRhvwW99LEox2ZBD3mW_VEiKusohi-X-eFd_ozDKN7RBDrnqgsJBoJUdkE6xyVlnqk2SmxIPcD1eCTbr8kBUfB4IXyAD1FAc6K1kb-LymocU57V3Bw9eZRkgmgWiXs3CMi9gktZSwDrBjpYICY_/s1600/image.png" width="182" /></a></div><br /><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></span><p></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7mPFCyksrvnD5H4qsBYygn?si=vSv_HBwhTPWBBUSy_1hgzw" target="_blank">Feel Good Oldies</a></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></span></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-33351433623875962992024-01-01T14:12:00.013-05:002024-01-01T14:25:32.660-05:00Every day is a holiday…<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3tWw_ePCrNfHKRvMWqvlv_1NjShf67KXgv7b46vHNSplXLPXAxTEc18vBVcN0n1SXER9AKEs9g_1_nlgzPNLN7a7g46PyFa2UuApt9Qkj_Tl41uE6C6sXt1kkaOk9e3Obk-WMrNvzb-FXn8di1EPEbijT_9E3B_nDZ7Lfe05iEFJUAIEHRUa3mHPn5o9k/s1462/1316883C-A289-4955-AF41-A3E2C27266EF.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1462" data-original-width="1170" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3tWw_ePCrNfHKRvMWqvlv_1NjShf67KXgv7b46vHNSplXLPXAxTEc18vBVcN0n1SXER9AKEs9g_1_nlgzPNLN7a7g46PyFa2UuApt9Qkj_Tl41uE6C6sXt1kkaOk9e3Obk-WMrNvzb-FXn8di1EPEbijT_9E3B_nDZ7Lfe05iEFJUAIEHRUa3mHPn5o9k/s320/1316883C-A289-4955-AF41-A3E2C27266EF.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">When you look at the calendar you see 1/1/24 - New Years Day! Oh my, what will I do? I must celebrate! Or maybe on New Year's Eve you felt upset because you did not have big plans - what about the Happy New Year kiss that is supposed to be so magical? So much pressure! Coming off of the Christmas hype of perfect presents and decor. Is it any wonder half the world is on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication? </span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /></span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;">Why? Why does society put so much pressure on certain dates on the calendar - birthdays, valentines day, anniversaries, Mother's day, Father's day, Grandparents Day? Hallmark and other card companies love those days, at least they used to -cards have kind of fallen by the wayside these days. I understand the need to make people feel special - I do! But why do we put them on specific dates? Think about it! We save up all our love and attention for 1 day a year? Why? Because some genius decided that day was significant? To add more pressure to an already busy life? It's ridiculous. </span></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;">I used to tell my kids that when they got older and married and possibly moved away that any time we were all together would be a holiday. I swore that I would celebrate Christmas on a Tuesday in July if needed. The celebration is supposed to be the joy the day brings, not the date on the calendar! Now some may argue that Religious holidays are different - Easter, Christmas (secret, Jesus was not born on December 25th) etc. But honestly? For the majority of the world Easter and Christmas have been overtaken by a Bunny and a fat guy in a Red Suit so no, I don't believe there's a difference!</p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;">I have been on a journey to become closer to God. In doing so I realize more than ever that EVERY day should be celebrated. There is something good in every single day that God chooses to wake us up in the morning. Even if it's something as small as a really good cup of coffee or a message from someone you love. My daughter sometimes leaves me little notes on my coffee pot in the morning - notes of love or appreciation or just funny things.....she doesn't have to wait for Mother's day or my Birthday to tell me she appreciates me. You don't either - tell the people you love that you appreciate them today. These are moments that need to be cherished and not taken for granted. I have started sending messages to people when I think about them - hey just thinking about you, hope that everything is well in your world. Or maybe something that I love about them, or a special memory. As you can imagine I get back messages usually telling me that they needed that or just that they were happy I thought of them. Imagine if we all did that every day? Not just on a date specified on the Calendar.</p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;">I am not a fan of New Years Eve - never have been. I can count on less than 2 hands how many New Years Eves I have enjoyed in 58 years. Why? Because the build up and the need to "make it memorable" has, in fact, done just the opposite. This year my daughter and I decided we weren't doing it. We were just treating it like any other Sunday. And guess what? That's when I realized that I truly do celebrate every day! I live every day as if there is someone wonderful right around the corner. Because I know that life can change in a minute - for better or for worse. And the only moment we have for certain is the present one. And doesn't that moment deserve to be celebrated? I think so! </p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;">Change begins with you! Because it’s not just a day in the life 😉</p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN78bzYe5-WHDzsQnTbu01tge4ySCGPAksUr7HwiwiWMMiJbjlY68XZYmcQcBdtZvYfqLvfgf6uy1TuEzym0PgWOiIvEDqoNDS3Tqdb6LDrS28xqIfQLS7kvx4wpSEUdwFeK_5YFLIqWLDm2Q45Ji43yHqHJyPv1e7L2VbgiumCj7rsFpgwOwwd4yRNYuT/s200/image.png" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="113" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN78bzYe5-WHDzsQnTbu01tge4ySCGPAksUr7HwiwiWMMiJbjlY68XZYmcQcBdtZvYfqLvfgf6uy1TuEzym0PgWOiIvEDqoNDS3Tqdb6LDrS28xqIfQLS7kvx4wpSEUdwFeK_5YFLIqWLDm2Q45Ji43yHqHJyPv1e7L2VbgiumCj7rsFpgwOwwd4yRNYuT/w103-h113/image.png" width="103" /></a></p><p style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; box-sizing: inherit; caret-color: rgb(27, 27, 27); color: #1b1b1b; font-family: Helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></span></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-24097034145965238952023-10-11T13:49:00.001-04:002023-10-11T13:52:22.007-04:00Blew out my flip flop....stepped on a pop top<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaijggLYt1Dj0mr4rf_4nznPYiLz3DTB3x4o1YWNfSvTpdPLt8kG2hqfc3UV4-li1URkH1gYTXHDEG3-n17EyRcisPqjdVEbOACsVdqsadi6khy9seGWBRKtkULMYZn4x7jprV9DwWzraiAqLvRntoCF0sFOW3Dd7n7umLlMOcvaCXXYfNxzd8rhHhf7tD/s2048/IMG_39751.jpg" style="clear: left; display: block; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="1538" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaijggLYt1Dj0mr4rf_4nznPYiLz3DTB3x4o1YWNfSvTpdPLt8kG2hqfc3UV4-li1URkH1gYTXHDEG3-n17EyRcisPqjdVEbOACsVdqsadi6khy9seGWBRKtkULMYZn4x7jprV9DwWzraiAqLvRntoCF0sFOW3Dd7n7umLlMOcvaCXXYfNxzd8rhHhf7tD/s320/IMG_39751.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span> Th</span>is photo was taken 2 years ago during our first annual Cousins reunion in Marco Island. I had not seen my cousins in 5 years. It was as if no time had passed. We only spent the day but it was an<div><span> a</span>mazing time. You know when you have people in your life that just make you happy being in their</div><div>company? That is my Vegas family. We did not know then that this short visit would be the</div><div>beginning of a very important tradition.
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7O4SonafWM9bMppFX8cHeDDkE8Jsbd09YtarK68EVXPkRGZzhUNcW9IMFjUQJiYrieyylnEoBSH-QUEd313pzcLKupx1OB1Gj7YiVDvC8zKsrIkzaRfSSycMm5UHrNcbbbVAtxXPOVIp3xWKT_CfK26AV-dNQJRy2kjTh9Z_xJ7S6-MOL3uSZ4HufB2VE/s4032/IMG_7366.HEIC" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7O4SonafWM9bMppFX8cHeDDkE8Jsbd09YtarK68EVXPkRGZzhUNcW9IMFjUQJiYrieyylnEoBSH-QUEd313pzcLKupx1OB1Gj7YiVDvC8zKsrIkzaRfSSycMm5UHrNcbbbVAtxXPOVIp3xWKT_CfK26AV-dNQJRy2kjTh9Z_xJ7S6-MOL3uSZ4HufB2VE/s320/IMG_7366.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>
This photo was taken last year in Fort Lauderdale. Thanks to hurricane Ian this trip almost did not happen. Marco Island was hit hard and my cousins were coming from Vegas and Philly so the logistics were a bit challenging, but we did it! Although we were all only together for 3 days it was another period of rejuvination for my soul. It was once again just so easy to be together and we picked up where we left off! My daughter looks at her 3 cousins as additional siblings and the bantering and and connection is really so amazing to see. She is not someone who shows her true personality to many people but Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy definitely see the true Lulu. I love watching it. We stayed in a hotel this trip and it was more challenging (connecting rooms apparently mean the same hallway in Ft. Lauderdale) but we made it work and had a blast. From being surrounded by fish in the ocean to closing the pool bar down, this was an amazing trip! We vowed to make it an annual thing!</div><div><br /> This photo was taken yesterday once again in Marco Island. Our 3rd annual family reunion. It was by <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisSdgxET68ReWFChJLYuEkWUBz2djdin63VGCYbLMLwt-Lq5PoNR9IK77JuXD_1zG5-eZCBp7Re8gyGVqEnZaVvq_kasam7BCrcW9CFCZggs3nct_dJGPTHImJ-4r69yY6u4jKzeLujOzPfeZ8Mcf7gslPqDIJ0w_WL68JelTn2zIlZgDcjiHtk0jnI79D/s3527/IMG_2061%20Copy.JPG" style="clear: right; display: block; float: right; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="2014" data-original-width="3527" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisSdgxET68ReWFChJLYuEkWUBz2djdin63VGCYbLMLwt-Lq5PoNR9IK77JuXD_1zG5-eZCBp7Re8gyGVqEnZaVvq_kasam7BCrcW9CFCZggs3nct_dJGPTHImJ-4r69yY6u4jKzeLujOzPfeZ8Mcf7gslPqDIJ0w_WL68JelTn2zIlZgDcjiHtk0jnI79D/w320-h181/IMG_2061%20Copy.JPG" width="320" /></a></div></div>far the best one yet! We left feeling rejuvenated in a way that only happens when you are with people that truly love and accept you. It was as if we were together every day. You know those times when you laugh so hard you cannot breathe? A few of us actually had headaches from laughing too much. It was so needed for me. There are very few people in my life that make me feel like I can just be myself and not worry about the aftermath. My cousins are these people to me. It was so relaxing and easy and just fun! We are able to have those tough talks about big issues and then laugh until we cry (literally-there was snorting!). How blessed am I to have this in my life? And how fabulous to see my daughter be 100 percent unapologetically herself and be embraced for it. Uncle K and Aunt R are exactly what Lulu needed at this time in life, so it was not just me that needed it. And my nephews, Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy are 3 of my favorite people in the world. They are so easy to be with and I can talk to them about anything and I love watching them grow into the incredible men they are becoming. We are already looking forward to next year! <div><br /></div><div>This trip has shown me how important it is to be around people you love and how important it is to maintain those connections. Rockin R and I have made a point of catching up with a phone call at least once a month and I look forward to those calls so much. I drove home last night feeling lighter than I have in a very long time. I fell into bed physically exhausted yet emotionally alive in the best possible way. I am so very very grateful to have this to look forward to every year and have these 5 people in my life....it makes me feel joy. My absolute favorite emotion. And having that joy makes me know there is more on the way and I am excited for it. Life is what you make it ---so let's make it right. It is too short to be stuck in unhappiness, or the day to day blahs that become your normal way of life. Every day is NOT just a day in the life --- it is what you make it and for me? I am choosing joy....and whenever I can I will do something that makes me feel that----every day in the life.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg36bAk4lCsp5AhIEAHhba-K1IXP86V9dJs3EjZZlxzofI5yhRekf3lmRcuWzgB9iWuhfSvHH-DB3TUSJDt3CkykhLC0S-Ut0X74EoI7hVY2IE1EiULcOEgjD7bUWGqHZX3NsOdkNQREdpGwG0VLiqgZC6Uq4Z34ftSW6YyJhA0kEnOvdNCOXS9m2FbBw7o/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg36bAk4lCsp5AhIEAHhba-K1IXP86V9dJs3EjZZlxzofI5yhRekf3lmRcuWzgB9iWuhfSvHH-DB3TUSJDt3CkykhLC0S-Ut0X74EoI7hVY2IE1EiULcOEgjD7bUWGqHZX3NsOdkNQREdpGwG0VLiqgZC6Uq4Z34ftSW6YyJhA0kEnOvdNCOXS9m2FbBw7o/w116-h128/IMG_2214.PNG" width="116" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-58741993524332432802023-01-14T21:30:00.007-05:002024-01-03T09:19:18.429-05:00Look at the stars....how they all shine for youToday.....today was one of those perfect days. I will try my very hardest to remember this feeling and this day when things get hard (which of course they will - this is life after all)
2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, since in the last decade I have gotten divorced, moved 4 times, lost both of my parents, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But 2022 ---- it was (I believe) the ending of a time of torment and it had to get it's last licks in. And if today is any indication of what is to come -- it was all worth it. Every single moment.
I am blessed. I know this. My family is protected. I know this. But that does not mean that bad things do not happen. But I don't want to focus on 2022 - I want to focus on today.
I started my morning with a phone call from my oldest son in California before I had my coffee. Normally, he texts me that early with our good morning gratitudes. It is something we have started recently. But a phone call that early would have sent me into a panic in the past (especially because we spoke last night) But it doesn't anymore. He's doing well - so well that I do not believe I have ever seen this version of my son as an adult. He had good news for me - that's why he called. So we started chatting and wow - it went deep. He gave me a gift that he didn't even know I needed. He thanks me all the time for things I've done, things I am still doing, I do not need thanks. I tell him, all I need is for him to live his best life. THAT is the greatest gift to me. He understands me very well. All three of my children do, honestly. Because I have always been honest and open about my life and my feelings with them. But he relates a lot to who I was as a child and things I have shared about that period in my life. He is also the one who saw the toxicity of my marriage more than the other two. He understands now things I did to protect them. I guess what he gave me yesterday was validation. Something he has never given me before. I hung up the phone feeling like I could conquer the world. Feeling like if this was my last day on earth I would be able to die happy. The joy in my heart was overflowing that my baby boy (who is a man) is in such a great space and our relationship is where it is.
It did not end there ----- my creme filling son and I had a catch up call this week. The time difference and our work schedules do not allow that as often as we would like. It was just so great. We text nearly every day, but those phone calls are needed. So we were texting today and it was great. My daughter in law also thanked me for raising him - that was a bonus too. Then out of the blue tonight he sent me a song and said "make sure you're not in public" - again, he knows me well. I sobbed my eyes out - I am crying now as I type this. It was very similar to what my oldest said to me earlier. I cannot explain the feeling ---
I grew up in a very male dominant household, my father and brother did not show their emotions (the soft ones) and I thought men did not have emotions. I thought men were made of stone. I believe that is why I chose my ex husband. He showed emotions. He cried. He described loving me in words that curled my toes. But, as soon as we got engaged that went away. So----I assumed that that is how it worked. Now he was just like all the other men in my life. I thought this was normal! I was determined to let my sons show emotions and not be ridiculed for them. I succeeded. Then they became men. And I see they don't show them to the outside world (which is fine! That is saved for the ones that love you!) but I know what goes on inside. And it has given me a whole new insight into the male species. I wish I had known all of this when I was a young girl. It would have helped me understand that women aren’t the only ones with feelings. Raising these boys changed my life in ways they will never know.
These men that I raised....they have given me a run for my money. From childhood and their constant fighting to their teen years which made me long for the days when all I had to do was deal with their fighting to their 20s which have had more ups and downs then the tower of terror in Disneyworld. But today----today I got to see a glimpse of what it was all for. These men....are incredible. They love me just as much as they did when they were little. They will always need me, in a very different way, but need me nonetheless. All of those prayers, and sleepless nights and days when I did SO many things that I really did not want to do and the days I felt like a failure (a lot of those)----it was all worth it. Every minute of it. Today (and I know this will not be permanent unlike the old me who thought once things were good they stayed that way) today is that day when all is right with the world. And I feel HAPPY and JOYFUL and dare I say bliss. Today was SO much more than a day in the life.....
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2Fg7HqK4gubEUoKgyWcAoeHalniBoJeprpZ3ptLyNcU8XovA77wXkeeK7T1mWXhgQGCejD0WxAFL5ioIJx3X0wanm2a_xmynL7v86VqcuCdjtSxt4ws8hb-Y52O8TVg-zPwJzds8e4AGYdcIJoeZ09sfBoNpMQfAhYKKkYYCQO387FRa_HrH-FArjA/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" style="clear: left; display: block; float: left; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2Fg7HqK4gubEUoKgyWcAoeHalniBoJeprpZ3ptLyNcU8XovA77wXkeeK7T1mWXhgQGCejD0WxAFL5ioIJx3X0wanm2a_xmynL7v86VqcuCdjtSxt4ws8hb-Y52O8TVg-zPwJzds8e4AGYdcIJoeZ09sfBoNpMQfAhYKKkYYCQO387FRa_HrH-FArjA/s200/IMG_2214.PNG" /></a></div>
Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-55366916760247639182022-08-25T12:30:00.005-04:002022-08-26T11:39:24.721-04:00No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii4zHBvYMj4jOB1hCPoBV7ad6uAcCPb7G9ZV4EdT63ootaOHWzZEiNwNQInqcvOA7giK6mOOKMErg8farpOgGchu64sl7ia5GFb8MWruXLgwXiw5C8Mnrt7_pQ9c7HclsIPPSLy6-AFmxVclg9VHTnCNcCPcqbWjRaHRBtyPNVfVEHr4W43HDqK-Hm3A/s4032/IMG_6869.HEIC" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii4zHBvYMj4jOB1hCPoBV7ad6uAcCPb7G9ZV4EdT63ootaOHWzZEiNwNQInqcvOA7giK6mOOKMErg8farpOgGchu64sl7ia5GFb8MWruXLgwXiw5C8Mnrt7_pQ9c7HclsIPPSLy6-AFmxVclg9VHTnCNcCPcqbWjRaHRBtyPNVfVEHr4W43HDqK-Hm3A/s320/IMG_6869.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div><br /> To say I am emotional today would be an understatement. I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why. I am not a nervous person at all. I cannot shake it. I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go. But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.<p></p><p>I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it. But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else? No clue. But here goes....</p><p>I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter. He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her. He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that. He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad. I fought back the tears and said "I sure did." My dad was my hero. He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me. How fucking lucky am I? To have had this man take care of me my entire life. That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled. Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes? Maybe. But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjALAvebINhU_DTPiNKMyMpVRWBwu24tUAS8cyp5rcYZhrOdkcVXsUPBMnBbOTtLpu7573pw105p5KZtfi0nH3TyLdV6abF_fhv9YSKu8sDJcVXVP23oyXnmBsqxcvv7zNOD-PezdKts4t5oMqbph3i3KINI817FoKzq-pZ3aaiYWqufKEDPyM9d5jOzQ/s4032/IMG_0857.heic" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjALAvebINhU_DTPiNKMyMpVRWBwu24tUAS8cyp5rcYZhrOdkcVXsUPBMnBbOTtLpu7573pw105p5KZtfi0nH3TyLdV6abF_fhv9YSKu8sDJcVXVP23oyXnmBsqxcvv7zNOD-PezdKts4t5oMqbph3i3KINI817FoKzq-pZ3aaiYWqufKEDPyM9d5jOzQ/s320/IMG_0857.heic" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>But.....that made me think of my daughter. And that's when the tears truly fall. She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post. But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me. Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them. I know this. But I had 2 parents that did that. My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine. She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband. She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old. Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way. But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go. She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him. And she is happy. She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told. So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on. Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky. I don't know. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEa2OZEdnBAlgkSS2cm9q6PMnad4srLOwJX1d2_nwMKLmZhHH6fs8_CTWwHRdSdQQpJ3Zs_eiYpjune4GCuT1nfYbUXHGllFlHp6WlV2fd_m9SEwBUSTe5LiV7QkZBfeeUsG7cXtO-CsNDt0XYJwjzlSYycaywGrSOaeO_IXcASgNOKlBDp0fEjsLAFA/s3240/FH000001-COLLAGE.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3240" data-original-width="2160" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEa2OZEdnBAlgkSS2cm9q6PMnad4srLOwJX1d2_nwMKLmZhHH6fs8_CTWwHRdSdQQpJ3Zs_eiYpjune4GCuT1nfYbUXHGllFlHp6WlV2fd_m9SEwBUSTe5LiV7QkZBfeeUsG7cXtO-CsNDt0XYJwjzlSYycaywGrSOaeO_IXcASgNOKlBDp0fEjsLAFA/s320/FH000001-COLLAGE.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>I just feel like she deserves the world. She has truly been the most perfect child since birth. She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter. When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom? For people to compare her to me? She is just that fabulous! She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all. In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has. Some people just are incapable of any more. And it is his loss for sure---</p><p>But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it? And it hurts her deeply? How will I fix that? How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right? I am not sure I will. I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs. Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.</p><p>Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7HL-yUbRW1WeRgeswJ6xBgkBvpgKr13YVrnLCRY8YUO-MbQHdELz53cHg8jg9BoTF13KbBx-g08Nl-rriM1-p8tRSZQCU0kUDqP0MlTfRLJJe7OzzbxE9eZa1HWhgPk0NpcinNdqSB-5apxMadjZFUGbskYE0Pe-psnKkrGJjXFzrzh-Z_l63z2o1FQ/s200/image.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7HL-yUbRW1WeRgeswJ6xBgkBvpgKr13YVrnLCRY8YUO-MbQHdELz53cHg8jg9BoTF13KbBx-g08Nl-rriM1-p8tRSZQCU0kUDqP0MlTfRLJJe7OzzbxE9eZa1HWhgPk0NpcinNdqSB-5apxMadjZFUGbskYE0Pe-psnKkrGJjXFzrzh-Z_l63z2o1FQ/s1600/image.png" width="182" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-61931851343893281602022-08-12T20:15:00.001-04:002022-08-26T15:32:47.063-04:00Because I'm 18 and I still live with my parents, yeah they're not like yours<p> Happy 18th Birthday to my answered prayer.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8wM2CVPXv7huCdqBcEApP2Km0GpqBXAWWbBLkl8RyKGvVIdsffG-yc6ohIi9DiWwgGmj2bK_bmpwgxdw0qYvdLGq04mfrOlKcba5dCpiPiTnMHdyOM4ghAywd9uTjzn03RdhAERk0V-U_cs1GUIV3zt1bMIeZKGBiGuZy5Y90iwJNOuUhCEXNl9VinQ/s3402/IMG_6287.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="3402" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8wM2CVPXv7huCdqBcEApP2Km0GpqBXAWWbBLkl8RyKGvVIdsffG-yc6ohIi9DiWwgGmj2bK_bmpwgxdw0qYvdLGq04mfrOlKcba5dCpiPiTnMHdyOM4ghAywd9uTjzn03RdhAERk0V-U_cs1GUIV3zt1bMIeZKGBiGuZy5Y90iwJNOuUhCEXNl9VinQ/w219-h194/IMG_6287.HEIC" width="219" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>That's right. Today is a very special day! 18 years ago my daughter's best friend was born. As a mom I have prayed since before my children were born for the right people to surround them in life. My prayers for my daughter were different than those for my sons. Not much, but there was one key difference. For my daughter I prayed for her to find that one best friend that she would keep for life. I have had several of those friends during my life, but I never had that one that lasted my whole life. Eighteen years ago today my daughter's bestie was born.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_cS4iprAdhoKKEpnI4G46gb_-0ty4BPo1TGJA9WG05sLSnNU3kzUoEiQGbYsfLA_6lf54nYAjvkRoRHCnmqYarTXkoswdeNGrRPxb3vo6jQ2086ip8EUwTD0d-BCzQcBj8MHn4ePipg9kAEFuVqHP5kDTTJC-WcUmsLZPeWAqaVm04ZAuQJD0GSGisQ/s4032/IMG_5439.HEIC" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_cS4iprAdhoKKEpnI4G46gb_-0ty4BPo1TGJA9WG05sLSnNU3kzUoEiQGbYsfLA_6lf54nYAjvkRoRHCnmqYarTXkoswdeNGrRPxb3vo6jQ2086ip8EUwTD0d-BCzQcBj8MHn4ePipg9kAEFuVqHP5kDTTJC-WcUmsLZPeWAqaVm04ZAuQJD0GSGisQ/w200-h150/IMG_5439.HEIC" width="200" /></a></div><p></p><p style="text-align: left;">When I took this picture as they drove away to graduation, I was so emotional. I made them both promise to always stay close and remain as true to each other as they have been. <span style="text-align: center;">they laughed at me but promised! It was in that moment that I realized my little Gracie Lou Freebush was the answer to that prayer I prayed so often during my daughter's life. And I could not have chosen a better soul sister for my little girl.</span></p><div><span style="text-align: center;">And today I got to watch them in action and it is truly amazing. Amazing how two young women could be so similar and so strong and so supportive of each other. They have the same sense of humor (which is not easy because half the time no one else can understand what they're saying 😂 </span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: center;">Normally, I would have made a post for her on social media---but since I have gotten off of social media, this was the next best thing. One of the things I love about GracieLou is how sweet she is. She thinks about my LuLu's feelings and everyone else's feelings usually before </span><span style="text-align: center;">her own. She is <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTky-e8cBORnNSjOg4h4PaL87uC1z1ns5_MhitbcfV2M00f4aHmyvjJKh6cIwu52EoHaP8MGcVgsdwsmRxLHColgZjXgItAdvG6uyyvHvemccb7NwPPCws5wOGCotRnNMVravfYbUJtabht78bK2kxJgOeHpvZvYKT8ntLR5P7SCk717nsY-90aKptEg/s1054/IMG_5955.heic" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1054" data-original-width="567" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTky-e8cBORnNSjOg4h4PaL87uC1z1ns5_MhitbcfV2M00f4aHmyvjJKh6cIwu52EoHaP8MGcVgsdwsmRxLHColgZjXgItAdvG6uyyvHvemccb7NwPPCws5wOGCotRnNMVravfYbUJtabht78bK2kxJgOeHpvZvYKT8ntLR5P7SCk717nsY-90aKptEg/w108-h200/IMG_5955.heic" width="108" /></a></div>honest, and funny and she is never afraid to be honest. She is brave. She stands up for what she believes in. Soon she will go off to her next phase of life....college in South Carolina. I </span><span style="text-align: left;">kn</span><span style="text-align: left;">ow Lulu will be heading up there to visit her soon. What I love about their friendship is that they support and want the absolute best for each other----that is something I did not find until I was much older! They are so lucky to have found this type of friendship so young in life. There is no drama between these two, they are upfront and honest and so articulate (which is incredible since their high school clearly did not teach them this).</span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-align: center;">So, as you venture off to your next phase of life, my little GracieLou Freebush I hope you know how much you are loved and valued. I pray that you always stay true to yourself and <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2LK_wFgjypr4UfAj8RiCvxyhtC1h2172Epz8QFINnbC10B34jtGi-GrJJcYo3Ebnfy2hQ1lTgYipGVNq0QohxO_AxXxp4_Mz-kWHyZYRL_S-5HLAmulyATK2yiQSo5imtHvGC214rdTqF9KdbcYKb77OuVfG1NaLR6xm3R0rLrBKWT-FPl7xPHhAE9w/s1560/IMG_5367.JPG" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1560" data-original-width="1170" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2LK_wFgjypr4UfAj8RiCvxyhtC1h2172Epz8QFINnbC10B34jtGi-GrJJcYo3Ebnfy2hQ1lTgYipGVNq0QohxO_AxXxp4_Mz-kWHyZYRL_S-5HLAmulyATK2yiQSo5imtHvGC214rdTqF9KdbcYKb77OuVfG1NaLR6xm3R0rLrBKWT-FPl7xPHhAE9w/w150-h200/IMG_5367.JPG" width="150" /></a>know how damn AMAZING you are! Never doubt that (remember the conversation in your kitchen). You will always have a place in our home no matter where that ends up being 😊. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I love you like you are my very own (and trust me----that doesn't happen often, you know this!) Happy Happy Birthday little Gracie Lou! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsdauvZkOgALNFjt-98-9f8BQ3ohQ-TXYn61pMbcoZu5nvyG4MpIf1pCUY-YobJ0kGxcwfdocHWfKuPeR8KBcKe1aXdGGS9nNgBAO8wT2MthjfmVb5N7Mqq7iSL-kuCggYRRcN4iF-zielKEvuXnor9PZw1rNRlMbxAHn5_BcUZoMZ6t1Gm77RwBl7cw/s4032/IMG_5073.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsdauvZkOgALNFjt-98-9f8BQ3ohQ-TXYn61pMbcoZu5nvyG4MpIf1pCUY-YobJ0kGxcwfdocHWfKuPeR8KBcKe1aXdGGS9nNgBAO8wT2MthjfmVb5N7Mqq7iSL-kuCggYRRcN4iF-zielKEvuXnor9PZw1rNRlMbxAHn5_BcUZoMZ6t1Gm77RwBl7cw/s320/IMG_5073.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuYKTh-54JOOvRC5-piaMcQplOQkTp-G_P3QQxp-tAIxdPP1u5s3fxU7ZRxglGX45wI7PyumX_BhgQFNQKZ6-3lA1E8p66yS72LD31nnSjpXFYR8Axn_yNcmn0rPl_l2JzzsT6ujBtjZyb1Oq8uU39RE8nGvtfG0We9y7tjp70n42gX9qCny1WokWHaw/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuYKTh-54JOOvRC5-piaMcQplOQkTp-G_P3QQxp-tAIxdPP1u5s3fxU7ZRxglGX45wI7PyumX_BhgQFNQKZ6-3lA1E8p66yS72LD31nnSjpXFYR8Axn_yNcmn0rPl_l2JzzsT6ujBtjZyb1Oq8uU39RE8nGvtfG0We9y7tjp70n42gX9qCny1WokWHaw/w150-h165/IMG_2214.PNG" width="150" /></a></div><span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-39163728560073430392022-06-01T08:41:00.002-04:002022-08-26T15:29:08.566-04:00They say it's your birthday......Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Daddy....<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ0oqaRCronHxpEN6tIZu5V697ARo1W8jZXoCdqG3O3OnDgvGteCw9PPP78_CylKoFgbMxZr5VQFVgtihy1aWiaTOKKClKqGfifcR7euTrbHaKDVgQzZ8pHmqiVfXaavUnrwHCSygdBBA4_zcS53PXxOI28Wg2kVuIpnuq6LE5leb1K-qCotFe0I64bw/s2656/20150804_193304.heic" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1494" data-original-width="2656" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ0oqaRCronHxpEN6tIZu5V697ARo1W8jZXoCdqG3O3OnDgvGteCw9PPP78_CylKoFgbMxZr5VQFVgtihy1aWiaTOKKClKqGfifcR7euTrbHaKDVgQzZ8pHmqiVfXaavUnrwHCSygdBBA4_zcS53PXxOI28Wg2kVuIpnuq6LE5leb1K-qCotFe0I64bw/s320/20150804_193304.heic" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Happy 92nd Birthday Poppa....your first one in heaven. You are most likely so happy to be surrounded by all of those you've missed for so many years on your birthday. It is your first birthday with your mom in more years than you can count. Funny because this year will be the first one that I do not spend with DTM....the circle of life, huh daddy? You used to talk about that all the time. The quotes you used, your pearls of wisdom....they stay with me. They are a part of who I am. I hear your voice and your words every single day. "Where you are, I once was" - that's been a big one lately. I miss you. So much. I know we all do. </p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNWXzcecTn5GlckyIc3AHjcuzBGIgVrRFvtaZ0iBk3dZhGqOpSQkxeJyqRFDF_D9ms7jyhYxOEzs58m2QdLiVezKUYwgg-tiZbLgnR6znPNFwnOgVA0d7WtZKWLAdj6dCgyzHQqacDbmba1gI2TXIsXDUwX7hHW5TWIM4MCY3VvCLjfl1RZdEGzL85g/s2576/100_0079.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1932" data-original-width="2576" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNWXzcecTn5GlckyIc3AHjcuzBGIgVrRFvtaZ0iBk3dZhGqOpSQkxeJyqRFDF_D9ms7jyhYxOEzs58m2QdLiVezKUYwgg-tiZbLgnR6znPNFwnOgVA0d7WtZKWLAdj6dCgyzHQqacDbmba1gI2TXIsXDUwX7hHW5TWIM4MCY3VvCLjfl1RZdEGzL85g/w267-h200/100_0079.jpg" width="267" /></a></div>I found a disk of photos that you had taken over the years. I downloaded them on my computer and it is so cool to see your perspective on what was important to capture. It was also pretty funny that every picture I took of you and you took of me, we were making faces at each other....I guess I only remember our long talks over coffee, or after dinner. I forget the goofy stuff. That's why I miss the days of cameras instead of cell phones for picture taking. <br /><p></p><p>The baby graduated last week Pop. It was the first and only one you missed. DTM was quick to say that you and mommy were both together and there for it. I am not gonna lie, I felt the empty seat. I always feel the absence of your presence. Even when you were grouchy and I could tell you missed the quiet of your own place, it was a blessing to have you there. </p><p>Everything is changing Daddy. I know you would say that's life. Which I would then turn to mommy so she would comfort and baby me lol. But you are right....it is life. And sometimes dad? It sucks. How come you never showed me that? How come you and mommy made it seem SO easy? I can hear you laughing at me. Shaking your head and saying "Ah baby, if only you knew." I think about all the birthdays growing up that you made so special. I always felt like a princess on my birthday. And your birthdays....you shaking boxes and guessing what was in it---used to piss us off so much! 😁 And now? What a party there is in Heaven today! Strawberry shortcake, mommy's potato salad---I can see it now. It makes my heart smile. You deserve it daddy! But what I would not give to run down the street and meet you at the corner and hang out the car window while you drove home. I miss you.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8fxgvWUn5cmoeIMpV3WTPJOM2dFhIdbAEdHeEYU39R2tfNnHAqpWC68AdrAnPXCS_VOUlRn_9ohz52tklfqU_FT5ekcZtKOzlPc9e31PbBM0HbDJO8QKhizCDMK2ZP25ohlyMBxOR24MEAHSEfH2ZifD92XFcbrctvuEYi7ZORrvnSVM8kNThcD2VIw/s2048/100_0052.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8fxgvWUn5cmoeIMpV3WTPJOM2dFhIdbAEdHeEYU39R2tfNnHAqpWC68AdrAnPXCS_VOUlRn_9ohz52tklfqU_FT5ekcZtKOzlPc9e31PbBM0HbDJO8QKhizCDMK2ZP25ohlyMBxOR24MEAHSEfH2ZifD92XFcbrctvuEYi7ZORrvnSVM8kNThcD2VIw/s320/100_0052.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>We will celebrate you today. I think I will have a manhattan instead of an appletini to switch things up. I miss you. Remember how you used to tell me to use my "poison pen" when I had something to say? I am losing my gift daddy---the words are just not coming. My get up and go just got up and went (as mommy always said). I am hoping time truly does heal all wounds---you wouldn't lie to me wouldja daddy? Because I will remind you when we meet again. I will have a list, because I am your daughter.<div><br /></div><div>I am sorry I am not full of eloquence and all these incredible snippets that you looked forward to in the past. I'm not gonna lie Poppa....I haven't been myself since you left. I think you took a part of me with you----can you send it back please? I kinda miss her. But I am stronger than I used to be---I will give you that. I am your daughter. And you raised me to do whatever it takes no matter what, right? Right. So here we go daddy---the next phase of life. Stay close please...because I always need my daddy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Happy Birthday Poppa! You are loved and missed more than you know. I hope it is truly the best one ever and not just a day in the life xoxoxo <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz996vr2fo7MXl2ooKB-x5SZpSt3OY5F3MCwRVvkB_czW3s-5SU7h2QqftYSvYD8JjPYu_mohQ4IMZiEk90jcPhi3nGLj4KiHZtGl862ynFXrZsoUFSTwTBRIR5Cp_T1cf-UVAGA1fhtxhfnf-zSpbZBv6C1WfsUK7uZe5aRCwLKnHIRrDV2PV4INSQA/s2816/IMG_0737.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1584" data-original-width="2816" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz996vr2fo7MXl2ooKB-x5SZpSt3OY5F3MCwRVvkB_czW3s-5SU7h2QqftYSvYD8JjPYu_mohQ4IMZiEk90jcPhi3nGLj4KiHZtGl862ynFXrZsoUFSTwTBRIR5Cp_T1cf-UVAGA1fhtxhfnf-zSpbZBv6C1WfsUK7uZe5aRCwLKnHIRrDV2PV4INSQA/s320/IMG_0737.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3vkNymRVCiY5HOnoLjxg2BDioXsUhqhgbTA1T0SgOJ0O_Vcg0pvfc9mW52FFlZOxSDwSbpWCq0sCifc_f2Fy7UKt9JJtTVDSsHDd3m7TWW86H8oCnLyBrEAiPhaE3KAr6IUAeYoHL36fD5TNFih_p6a9JF0b7JAniN-2e2jfq4jsYkckpp4pOgBefvA/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3vkNymRVCiY5HOnoLjxg2BDioXsUhqhgbTA1T0SgOJ0O_Vcg0pvfc9mW52FFlZOxSDwSbpWCq0sCifc_f2Fy7UKt9JJtTVDSsHDd3m7TWW86H8oCnLyBrEAiPhaE3KAr6IUAeYoHL36fD5TNFih_p6a9JF0b7JAniN-2e2jfq4jsYkckpp4pOgBefvA/w102-h112/IMG_2214.PNG" width="102" /></a></p><p><br /></p></div>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-43563853647262310742022-05-20T08:52:00.004-04:002022-08-27T09:50:54.537-04:00Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...welcome to the final show!<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMCcDdp77Ob4R-5cbZOr12ITEdq05xLRkzodd5TFPV5ZuAyk2c-9ncgiu38FnE5LX9F81aEBSAgNFOhrUvPEg4l55uUzYRu88ke7bBlxli2pry6KSYwE1mhXtgbeMvdJnX4-pHJjxARUOXdpOSVF7y2TX9c33Jd_ojYPZcx2ZX9MIpCW_mQ9HdF2PWQ/s4000/IMG_5319.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="4000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMCcDdp77Ob4R-5cbZOr12ITEdq05xLRkzodd5TFPV5ZuAyk2c-9ncgiu38FnE5LX9F81aEBSAgNFOhrUvPEg4l55uUzYRu88ke7bBlxli2pry6KSYwE1mhXtgbeMvdJnX4-pHJjxARUOXdpOSVF7y2TX9c33Jd_ojYPZcx2ZX9MIpCW_mQ9HdF2PWQ/s320/IMG_5319.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /> Today, my youngest child has her last day of high school. Wow. The end of an era.....the end of what feels like is my whole life and I am sure feels like it's been her whole life too. She got picked up this morning, which made yesterday the last day I drove her and it was unbeknownst to me which was fabulous! .She got her cap and gown yesterday, but luckily I did not have too much time to get emotional because we had a dress disaster (note to anyone--do not order a dress with a pouf to go under a graduation gown unless you want to look like you are much larger than you are!<p></p><p>We have both been very busy and distracted these last few weeks.. She's been really enjoying her friends and activities and just really GOOD stuff. But, she is my daughter through and through. Last night as we had dinner and caught up on life she said that she was really drained. It is catching up with her, all this social stuff. We are definitely the same in that we need down time alone in order to recharge. I think Monday it will possibly hit her--but I do not know. This little girl whoops, this young woman has been through so much in her 18 years on this planet and she handles it all like a boss, I am not sure how it will affect her. I just see a lot more emotion lately so I have to think it's all boiling up under the surface. She thanked me on Monday for always showing her strength and how to handle things like a "bad ass bitch"--- it's funny, I feel like I have shown my kids my weakness more times than I can count---they have seen me at my worst, where I am crying so hard I cannot breathe. But I guess, when it matters....when life really knocks me down, all they see is that I get up again and hold my head up and do what needs to be done. And they follow suit. I guess, that's what matters right?</p><p>I do not remember making a fuss over my son's last day of school---I guess it did not occur to me because I was excited for their next phase of life. I knew it was not an ending but a beautiful exciting beginning. Also, they never seemed to make a big deal out of stuff like that. For my daughter this is all a very big deal. She told me her brother (cream filling) texted her this morning about it---she was really happy about that. Normally, my daughter does not care about milestones or getting attention or recognition, so it's a really hard thing to know when she wants a fuss and when she does not. But I know this is a huge event for her. I hope I did not miss the boat with my sons, but hey, I am sure they would have mentioned it by now 😉 It is just that as my daughter ends this part of life, I am ending it with her. And like many of her friends have confessed to me, they don't know what the next chapter looks like and they're scared. Me too sweetie, me too. But it will all work out. Maybe not how you thought, maybe not how you planned, but it will</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7fKKLm8NQBCGrOLh2GLgkJB3cHpywn_JllDlTrHQIxCjHz5OE5gSkdUZkKeqmc9YaZ7BKVX3alUc8aHQtgVlGLooggxBiHqYIY0RpOcIq3goA49T2Ks8MTXm5TFm6ouBbovI_VHbHkRemxEXC8CXJ00nkeeFrOG9yLN-Uct9XYndGmc62N88qSXyWIA/s3088/67465827385__4AB1173F-AFE6-491F-9502-93AA4F94A7A3.heic" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7fKKLm8NQBCGrOLh2GLgkJB3cHpywn_JllDlTrHQIxCjHz5OE5gSkdUZkKeqmc9YaZ7BKVX3alUc8aHQtgVlGLooggxBiHqYIY0RpOcIq3goA49T2Ks8MTXm5TFm6ouBbovI_VHbHkRemxEXC8CXJ00nkeeFrOG9yLN-Uct9XYndGmc62N88qSXyWIA/s320/67465827385__4AB1173F-AFE6-491F-9502-93AA4F94A7A3.heic" width="240" /></a></div><p></p><p>She received the gold honors cord, my baby girl. This kid missed more school than is legal. But she always handed in her assignments and took pride in her work. Throughout these last four years alone she has dealt with moving, missing school to travel and be a bridesmaid in three weddings, cheer competitions, illness/turmoil in our immediate family, people she loves letting her down, a pandemic, rushing down several times to take care of her grandfather and ultimately the death of her grandfather-that is a lot for a high schooler to handle. I know on Wednesday as I see her cross that stage I will feel that feeling of pride....that feeling of love swell in my chest. The feeling of gratitude that God gave me this precious human being to raise and to love---and she is miraculous. I am so blessed to be the keeper of her secrets, her guidance system, her go to person. I am sad that my extended family will not be at this graduation. She was only given a limited number of tickets and she did not want to choose. My oldest son will not be there as things are rocky with him right now. I have always felt my daughter got the short end of the stick in so many ways.....this is no different. She deserves a parade! But instead, she'll get a moving truck and yet another goodbye as her brother moves back to Arizona. She will get a time of uncertainty as we figure out what our next move is. I know that this girl is tough as nails. She rolls with the punches and finds the blessings in every situation. She is grateful for the little things. And I know that God is going to bless her with a magnificent future with more than she could ever imagine. He will send her a husband who loves and adores her, and beautiful, healthy children and she will be the center of their world. She will have a career that she loves until the time comes for her to focus on that beautiful family. Because that is what she dreams of and she deserves nothing less. </p><p>So, as I prepare to watch her embark on this next chapter I will continue to pray, and hold her close and cherish every moment with this beautiful human being and realize that in the grand scheme of things....it's just a day in the life.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEI4Oh4CJuz0WMHXIoNYRVeaTzkZESW-VzJWHt2KT0J-4R8RZdK1vLigEPWvTq-P4CIrrbXNuI7Tj1kr5SFN6axf2pAvY1Gj9dkpDkgUfhp9DHfdHcpj9avY53cthXjv6_zrjw300RlaVIUrWuh50XKNPm9R8EWQFYHQFeb-EwnKDC22dfLlLy-Cdz5w/s825/IMG_2214.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEI4Oh4CJuz0WMHXIoNYRVeaTzkZESW-VzJWHt2KT0J-4R8RZdK1vLigEPWvTq-P4CIrrbXNuI7Tj1kr5SFN6axf2pAvY1Gj9dkpDkgUfhp9DHfdHcpj9avY53cthXjv6_zrjw300RlaVIUrWuh50XKNPm9R8EWQFYHQFeb-EwnKDC22dfLlLy-Cdz5w/w217-h239/IMG_2214.PNG" width="217" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-52954948510135533992022-05-01T18:25:00.005-04:002022-05-03T03:04:46.151-04:00When I look back on these days I look and see your face You were right there for me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbAEfpAViFoPdEoCXXqy4w0D9BMCSmCEbBxhFpdd--t68oeeMGKsmAk4LyOSSD03QUOzmVJWDDlyMOwc7-GXBmMMAL99UKVnWda4m4XOHUTj7zlULHzZMoh6Ks_4K6iBS-6Umeo4MhJ9Dskrdf2TaiF-uG1UsA8VzK6SWh4RHv1jmS8-4a7MhWu5ad2A/s2306/IMG_5147.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2306" data-original-width="2092" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbAEfpAViFoPdEoCXXqy4w0D9BMCSmCEbBxhFpdd--t68oeeMGKsmAk4LyOSSD03QUOzmVJWDDlyMOwc7-GXBmMMAL99UKVnWda4m4XOHUTj7zlULHzZMoh6Ks_4K6iBS-6Umeo4MhJ9Dskrdf2TaiF-uG1UsA8VzK6SWh4RHv1jmS8-4a7MhWu5ad2A/s320/IMG_5147.HEIC" width="290" /></a></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div> When I think I've healed, sometimes the grief hits harder. Today I made the drive to my parents home. I have made this trip more times than I can count over the last 25 years. I think every single one of them came flooding back during those 3 hours. There was a huge difference this time.....neither one of my parents would be there to greet me. This is the first time I have come here since my dad passed. The last time I was here I knew he would not be returning, and it hit me so hard I said I would not return. Well, here I am. When I got closer to the exit the sobs really overtook me. I realized he would not be there with that huge smile to greet me. Even typing it hours later the tears start flowing again. How many times did I get off that exit, tired, stressed out, overwhelmed, scared, excited, emotional? No matter how many times it all ended the same way - I would see him get up and come to greet me with that smile and a "hiiiiyaa baby! it's so good to see you." that hug....oh lord that hug. I truly felt faint when I got out of the car. My daughter felt it too as soon as she walked in. His coffee cup was still sitting on the Keurig, still waiting for his return. The tears came flooding again. He never did get to "see the place again"....one of the last things he said to me in person was "I really thought I would get back to see the place again, I don't think I will." Oh Daddy.....<p></p><p>Once we unloaded the car we took a brief inventory and made a trip to get the car washed (aka the love bug remains washed off) and then to pick up some necessities. While I drove that familiar strip of road, I remembered how excited my sons used to be when we would come down on vacation. They loved visiting Yaya and Poppa I think more than any other place on earth. So many memories flashed through my mind. My oldest jumping off the side of the pool until he couldn't breathe, playing at the coffee table with the new toys he inevitably got, my cream filling son in his stroller, walking with my mom and I up to go shopping, our trips to Playmobil that my boys looked forward to every time. Zoo trips, the list goes on. My daughter did not have those as much because we moved to Arizona when she was one and we would meet my parents in New York rather than Florida. Yet, she still loved coming here, even after my mom passed. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicLD36YtIlygDXZvqw5v0nLFFuFXPYwL3rj5QEvLZi0MGHcqv49j2X8EklMmkFWsfVzosBmK8bh5YkcVsN35ZrPBlnw75EFXCX75v5jiZj044tQi57rADoEqascRKY_ub8SjbVHLQ5nf3ROwk1po5lL5yUfNg18qOKzid-cKaL-AHoBuFSZbDwcU0Mng/s4028/IMG_5148.HEIC" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4028" data-original-width="2706" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicLD36YtIlygDXZvqw5v0nLFFuFXPYwL3rj5QEvLZi0MGHcqv49j2X8EklMmkFWsfVzosBmK8bh5YkcVsN35ZrPBlnw75EFXCX75v5jiZj044tQi57rADoEqascRKY_ub8SjbVHLQ5nf3ROwk1po5lL5yUfNg18qOKzid-cKaL-AHoBuFSZbDwcU0Mng/s320/IMG_5148.HEIC" width="215" /></a></div><br />It is so strange because it doesn't feel like their house anymore. It is just an address. My mom's presence has been gone for a few years in my opinion. Now that my dad is gone, it's just a place. It does not feel connected to them anymore. The memories took place here, but it feels different. I still see my daddy walking through the door after work, my mom and me in the kitchen making dinner. Stopping to greet my dad, the kids running to see him. Then in later years we would go pick him up at work---I treasured that time. Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes one of the kids would come. They loved picking Poppa up. <p></p><p>I have not thought about these memories in so long. Today, it is all that I can think of. Everything in life is changing---absolutely everything. And I know God has it under control. I am just unsure as to whether or not God's plan will be remotely what I would like my life to look like. So many things have made me realize that just because we have faith and believe in fate and destiny does not mean it looks the way you thought or would like it to. Time will tell. But for today.....it is just a really sad, emotional day in the life.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-76884944680804892022022-04-19T14:28:00.000-04:002022-04-19T14:28:49.615-04:00As the present now, will later be past--the times they are a changin'<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEialubqS-ApVzvcRB98d57k3OgKortS245GuyhIaY2SZPb5TvnTKv5yzpEcTS7riLF_n0ow4ACe199FvxkevkXm-NvnKMn1ACdT8bqLClzTQNrTCLm0iSP12YRXONxCrffp3q2POVoGOTuiZ8WdrAXede94KMNx6aOhrzV_uGwqfZjnQx7SqhR9rFEDwg/s1440/IMG_3874.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEialubqS-ApVzvcRB98d57k3OgKortS245GuyhIaY2SZPb5TvnTKv5yzpEcTS7riLF_n0ow4ACe199FvxkevkXm-NvnKMn1ACdT8bqLClzTQNrTCLm0iSP12YRXONxCrffp3q2POVoGOTuiZ8WdrAXede94KMNx6aOhrzV_uGwqfZjnQx7SqhR9rFEDwg/s320/IMG_3874.JPG" width="213" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /> Is there ever a time when things stay the same? I look around at other people and they seem settled. Their jobs stay the same, their addresses stay the same, their feet are firmly planted. Everything changes for me....often. Even my thoughts and attachments and desires change. I used to hold on so tightly to control. To plan every moment out, every detail, everything was scheduled. I realized that was "wrong" and I taught myself how to go with the flow. It was a difficult journey, but I got there. However....now that I am here---I find myself not just going with the flow, but just not caring anymore. About almost anything. Is this normal? Is this how people feel all the time? I used to live my life with such gusto, such passion! I loved with all of my being and fought for things I wanted/needed and could not live without. Now? I just feel like I have kinda laid down and just let life roll over me. What's the point in fighting for anything? If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not? Well, then it's not.<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">I used to try to make my life better. Make myself better. I just don't have it in me anymore. I am tired of being hurt, and disappointed. So---if I just stop caring that can't happen anymore. Truth? Yes. But am I really living? I don't know. It doesn't really matter because it is what it is. I cannot change my feelings or lack of them. </span></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZtxj-v7yttJ-i4jXmaW9LumhhOdYa5-GjzVcDKUifNpaeEYnUzFspdxeykMH-4LQavOsMIrCIsRrkViUxhr9Ys3JQJFh-Fc36tEiSV_lrU1Mj-ALce_Ee5XwgShBVBiQKzHNoRIYQ5ZUntkmt_YZkkPJJW67p0nxHcIkhEpUjvD6_Obvh0t9UvHcc9g/s1170/1643242808.762865-1B111E74-EBB0-49FE-979A-3CDAD61C2E93.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="1170" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZtxj-v7yttJ-i4jXmaW9LumhhOdYa5-GjzVcDKUifNpaeEYnUzFspdxeykMH-4LQavOsMIrCIsRrkViUxhr9Ys3JQJFh-Fc36tEiSV_lrU1Mj-ALce_Ee5XwgShBVBiQKzHNoRIYQ5ZUntkmt_YZkkPJJW67p0nxHcIkhEpUjvD6_Obvh0t9UvHcc9g/s320/1643242808.762865-1B111E74-EBB0-49FE-979A-3CDAD61C2E93.png" width="320" /></a></div><br />Easter had me thinking a lot. As much as I do not miss the stress of preparing holidays (coordinating outfits, hundreds of plastic eggs being filled, dying eggs, finding cellophane to match the baskets---you get the drill) I do miss the fun. I miss being excited--I don't get excited anymore. This morning I dropped my daughter at school and I realized very soon it will be the last time I ever drop one of my kids off at school! I would not allow myself to go there. You know that saying that if you knew it would be the last time you were going to do something you would cherish it more? I felt that. I remember the last moment I had with each of my parents and I run over them in my mind often. I got to say what I wanted to and needed to say to each one of them---how blessed am I. I thought that would make them being gone easier----it does not.<p></p><p>In the next few months my entire world will be changed yet again. For the first time I do not know what is next. I don't know what it looks like. I just know that it will be ok. Because it always is, isn't it? But it just doesn't seem like enough anymore. I need more. I need some of my old spark and zest back. I need some joy. I need companionship. I need more than mere existence. Because I'm tired of it just being a day in the life. I want more life in my days.</p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-51909260217296290252022-02-21T07:30:00.001-05:002022-02-21T07:43:45.262-05:00Happy Anniversary! Its not the pale moon that excites me, thrills and delights me.....it's just the nearness of you! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN!<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiaXdltoIPQowtHfjN0zudXgYfzH6fWU63DSOPjNPWZbZcunXcLB-AdTZmxz-IboAr_WcsaFxKAwf_9yjysnsGhO-JsEaDbebsS8_ZyPIZoyX_uUMtfUUxcACQXpghEmM2SpaWF0B7A0PUDsdk7f1Z7Hg5n8wJVenRofSWANaWVdCmrQ-YRIbCDzanlOQ=s592" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="592" data-original-width="416" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiaXdltoIPQowtHfjN0zudXgYfzH6fWU63DSOPjNPWZbZcunXcLB-AdTZmxz-IboAr_WcsaFxKAwf_9yjysnsGhO-JsEaDbebsS8_ZyPIZoyX_uUMtfUUxcACQXpghEmM2SpaWF0B7A0PUDsdk7f1Z7Hg5n8wJVenRofSWANaWVdCmrQ-YRIbCDzanlOQ=w451-h640" width="451" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">February 21, 1954</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy! 68 years and you are able to celebrate together again. It brings me such joy to know that. You are both so missed, every single day. I feel even safer and more at ease knowing you are both up there watching over us all. I have told my children numerous times in the last nearly 2 months - I am not worried. Yaya AND Poppa have it. Just like when I was little. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I want to thank you both once again, for being my foundation. I am fortunate enough to have my children thanking me for the same things I have thanked you for over the years. As you know, I did my best to instill the sense of family in them that you instilled in me. I wanted them to feel safe and to know I would always have their backs like you always had ours. I want to thank you for giving me that foundation. Growing up I never worried about anything. I knew you would always take care of anything and everything. I miss that feeling on the physical level. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">It's funny, when we were planning Daddy's memorial I wanted everything the same as we did for yours mommy. My siblings had to say, many times, "they are not one person". <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhjJS8q-TjuNo3fuEFTfzsO8xZ15PJyNzmqTLzEhMyIvUkk_gDwqtXCtxNCyXjDW-3lQaqjbrHuY4R3uQGE_dvIkRKfLCpcPCKNzug9ItPXEgxGVdI1Eb44ptNSOtPDDKxa4rZ_qkJ2yuCmXdqxDJiVswZDYFlahIh9tpDMH2VIZrFjzbqjEgbZT_gEuA=s5312" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2988" data-original-width="5312" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhjJS8q-TjuNo3fuEFTfzsO8xZ15PJyNzmqTLzEhMyIvUkk_gDwqtXCtxNCyXjDW-3lQaqjbrHuY4R3uQGE_dvIkRKfLCpcPCKNzug9ItPXEgxGVdI1Eb44ptNSOtPDDKxa4rZ_qkJ2yuCmXdqxDJiVswZDYFlahIh9tpDMH2VIZrFjzbqjEgbZT_gEuA=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /> Ummm in my mind you were. You were a unit. I know (because as an adult my relationship with both of you was very different) that you were not always in perfect unison (that was a tough pill to swallow---my parents? human? the travesty! 😉) However, I know how important it was to you both to have everything equal. I guess that is where I got my obsession with fairness. </div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">When Daddy passed, my oldest child saw you both up there dancing. He asked me if you guys used to dance. Wow. It was sad to me that he never got to see those days! When you danced together it was magic. DTM and Lu have had similar signs. I know in my heart of hearts that you are both just so happy to be together again. But I am not going to deny, it sucks. Daddy I hear you SO clearly it is as if you are still here. But you need to let mommy talk too you know, she had the floor for nearly 7 years and she's back to letting you take the wheel.💞 I still need to hear her too.</div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">I know I have done many things that were hard for you to accept and understand---yet you never made me feel judged or like I disappointed you. I remember when I said I was moving to Arizona, mommy said "Over my dead body!" and I said "you don't live here, sorry you don't get a say". And that <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjghQMIkA-dRj-6DlqPVVIFrSmuBpwcDlxczl6Nc9VUBr3QDGvazZflXDM8m_qIz2gL309k2vd0pm11KGEK9aswAo88ycj3Ey-VxZ7dzBVFR-Jyu-fjk9SzLNmnQayq8xYt--gBBwASuB6QxqCmDqjzmbNzLDTBLlYV7YIYczQp7aKaIF15yn9UFD9cVQ=s582" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="582" data-original-width="379" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjghQMIkA-dRj-6DlqPVVIFrSmuBpwcDlxczl6Nc9VUBr3QDGvazZflXDM8m_qIz2gL309k2vd0pm11KGEK9aswAo88ycj3Ey-VxZ7dzBVFR-Jyu-fjk9SzLNmnQayq8xYt--gBBwASuB6QxqCmDqjzmbNzLDTBLlYV7YIYczQp7aKaIF15yn9UFD9cVQ=w260-h400" width="260" /></a></div><br />was the last I heard of it. I am sure watching me make mistakes and decisions that you did not approve of were really difficult, yet you never made me feel unsupported. Thank you for that. I know first hand how difficult it is but you gave me an example to follow. DTM called me the other day and needed me immediately. I dropped everything and ran over (this is a rare occurrence, he is quite fiercely independent). On the way home, after I took a breath I remembered calling you in Florida at 6 am from Long Island because I found a mouse half dead next to my stereo and I didn't know what to do. 😏 You responded "Tina, I'm 1300 miles away what do you want me to do? Put a can over it until the landlord comes over" I was so upset at the time. It was the first time you could not fix it for me. Looking back I realize it was probably hard on you as well. </div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">You two certainly were an amazing blueprint for what a marriage should be. You never stopped holding hands. You were there for one another first and foremost. Nothing came above your marriage. The sacrifices you made, I am sure, were not easy but you made them without anger, or resentment. And now? Now you rest in peace, and love....together (as it should be) for eternity.</div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy! Salud! Appletinis, Manhattans and shrimp cocktail for everyone! I love you both----thank you for being the best there was!!!! My God, how I miss you xoxoxoxo💔</div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgqsjMm5EAg8YTsV1HhELpZ1DRah8xZbj2vLTKmTVTHBCxBstWPskVPBA1MrGYDOQUoOOHeNUAdUOlJ3Y5Up1EBxJvA1KKjR8HAAzNe1RuBGWoXPsgDUc0SfcNRG-M9uwp5gS5kDL0ZiEv16qOQzsGbWMlGn2Qo-nOaIScWoP4T3O-G-5QxKSXeFXrvNw=s4000" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="4000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgqsjMm5EAg8YTsV1HhELpZ1DRah8xZbj2vLTKmTVTHBCxBstWPskVPBA1MrGYDOQUoOOHeNUAdUOlJ3Y5Up1EBxJvA1KKjR8HAAzNe1RuBGWoXPsgDUc0SfcNRG-M9uwp5gS5kDL0ZiEv16qOQzsGbWMlGn2Qo-nOaIScWoP4T3O-G-5QxKSXeFXrvNw=w400-h400" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">it was NOT just a day in the life. It is a day that began an amazing love story!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjkgob4-8ZelEl5xzf0DOZnw3POAabNWer2uXuUtCebwCm1Hf2cmRQyv7clRtR9WIsLKwJRuv2hSinxkpdJy6w0N2RysfKkTApxxrNIBMJq4E70_MrlImnL1qHczWbH2hOxSDjo0OrPJFFEH9zD0Ryg6Hv3fvEx9ILQ3I2QqiJwoXiJ2LJfgWXk0XM-YQ=s200" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjkgob4-8ZelEl5xzf0DOZnw3POAabNWer2uXuUtCebwCm1Hf2cmRQyv7clRtR9WIsLKwJRuv2hSinxkpdJy6w0N2RysfKkTApxxrNIBMJq4E70_MrlImnL1qHczWbH2hOxSDjo0OrPJFFEH9zD0Ryg6Hv3fvEx9ILQ3I2QqiJwoXiJ2LJfgWXk0XM-YQ=w158-h173" width="158" /></a></div><br /> </div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh1R1VGN9xKo0Lfo21gSRnTPrR7w1JkhXN0nYFXlbG9SV0LvqqySxbevNjL3950ZWfZ7hxQVFjobc9GHaEG3SHSvF-4jtMnvgi1CGI_Vp9cgDWV4g6NpYaNFDg9onMNbB-4pQikzUMysWuox8EKLXXJL6-BYb1t05gXGksaQkpo6nHerui892Ng5ytRVw=s240" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /><br /></a></div></div><br /> <p></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-9774795252375918742022-02-09T16:51:00.004-05:002024-01-08T08:51:58.335-05:00When you're weary....feeling small, when tears are in your eyes---I'll dry them all<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjJgKTaAGNqObo78cPaBv5JWhyGmf1nI4qySWgDlXJGibTNM19cnvcYysQz1wJ259LfHb97XxRG3T5c5MLcSGnNiloelB_EkZw1tHOq-dikNXRxNdXB-7nR3WxHkz1gUWpfjU4UNogMFUJ90jJnRRL2lQrrME8ij8kjl_ubDhQpp80bwmYcmq5slFHutw=s500" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjJgKTaAGNqObo78cPaBv5JWhyGmf1nI4qySWgDlXJGibTNM19cnvcYysQz1wJ259LfHb97XxRG3T5c5MLcSGnNiloelB_EkZw1tHOq-dikNXRxNdXB-7nR3WxHkz1gUWpfjU4UNogMFUJ90jJnRRL2lQrrME8ij8kjl_ubDhQpp80bwmYcmq5slFHutw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /> It is 7 years ago that I lost my mom. I handled it much better than I have losing my dad. It is not because I loved her less. It is because when she passed I was worried about my dad. I had intense things going on in my immediate family and God distracted me, I believe. I thought I was a warrior. Look at me. Look how strong I am. These people that are overcome with grief are weak. Death is part of life. Just move on. To any that I thought that about, I apologize. I did not understand. I thought that because I did not see my mother all the time and hadn't in 30 years that it was easier for me. I tricked myself into thinking that was it---I was used to not speaking/seeing my mother every day so I adjusted "so well". Plus, I was still a bit upset with my mother when she passed, truth be told. But in the years following her passing I would lose it at times, the grief would hit me like a sledgehammer out of the blue. I was angry at myself---what is WRONG with you? You are NOT weak! You are NOT about this falling on the floor wracked with sobs that your son had to hold you and console you like a child!! You are better than this!<p></p><p>Fast forward to losing my dad. I STILL cannot think, type, speak it without the tears flowing. It has been nearly 2 months and the pain is as fresh as the moment it happened. I could not sleep the other night and I went on instagram and watched a video of my dad doing sega sega with my great niece. I literally could not breathe. When my dad passed I said to my brother sobbing, "we're orphans" he replied swiftly- "we are NOT orphans! we have each other." 💖. I will never see my parents again. Never. Well, I mean I will when I meet them in heaven (which pisses me off when people say that---"yes you will, you'll see them"---DUH! Look who you're talking to! I KNOW THAT! I speak to them daily...I feel them and I see them. It isn't the same! I want them HERE! I want them to see my daughter graduate...I want them to watch their great grandchildren grow...and be born....I want them at weddings and parties. I want them to be here to hug me and bake with me and laugh with me. I want them to guide my children with their wisdom. I want them to tell me stories about their lives growing up. I want my dad to help me hang pictures on the wall, and let me bring him his lunch and a cup of tea to his favorite chair. I want my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, or a banana sandwich or better yet a tomato sandwich (with the perfect amount of mayo and salt!) and call me Harriet! I want to see the way my mom would look at me, like I was the most amazing human being alive. She did that you know....not when I was little, but when I was grown. She admired me so much.....I miss that. Having someone look at me with such love. </p><p>Some days it is easy to pretend they are still here. Like I said, I did not see or speak to them every day. But then I realize they aren't and the wave hits me. What I have learned is that some people treat you like you have a disease when you're grieving. They avoid you. They can't deal with the pain that is so raw in your eyes. I get it. Most people are not used to me being in a low energy place like this for long periods of time. Oh well. Sorry not sorry. I cannot help it. If I could, I would. No one wants to feel like this. </p><p>My children....my children...they have been incredible during this whole process. My sons check on me daily (well....we normally check in with each other daily anyway, but I have been not myself-so it is different), my daughter is fiercely protective of me. She insists on helping me set boundaries and to make sure I take care of myself. I was a good daughter, but my children? Make me look like the worst. They are far more than any parent deserves.</p><p>So, it is in this time of mourning and grief that you realize---you realize who is truly there for you. My family is very private in our grief. We did not plaster it all over social media...we didn't send out huge announcements. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do, this is just how we deal with things. So, the people that were told about my dad were important to us. They were important to him. So, imagine my surprise when there were so many that did not even reach out to say a simple "I'm sorry". I know it's difficult to know the right thing to say in a time of grief and sorrow....but a simple I'm sorry is truly enough. My cousin (who I do not speak to often) sent me the most beautiful, heartfelt message--so touching. My other cousin in Vegas who was dealing with his beloved wife losing her battle with cancer at the time called and left me a heartfelt voicemail that brought me to tears....These are the messages and the people that I will treasure. To say I am in shock about those who never even reached out to say "I'm sorry" is an understatement. I do not think I will be able to get over that. Grief is a strange thing. It makes you different. My reality is forever changed. I am a forgiving person. I have gone through a lot in my life that I have not shared with a lot of people. So--I never expected people to know when I was at a low point or in pain because people aren't mind readers. However---knowing and not even attempting to console someone? Speaks volumes about people's character in my opinion.</p><p>There are people that were there when my younger son had cancer that got a free pass for a lot of things because "oh they were so good when DTM had cancer though!"....when I got divorced it was not this tragic situation so no one needed to console or "be there" for me---however there were and are people that treated me like I had the plague because I got divorced!---I ignored it and got over it. But this? I don't think I will get over it. I do not normally hold grudges. I have forgiven people for far more. So, if you know me, and you see me, and I treat you differently? Think about how you behaved when I lost my daddy---you might find your answer there. Because...this....is not just a day in the life.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEisNpJvFyY_MzWSM9k_tcw21l5JOOMw9tsyFzyIIpOujzkHH8Ay743xrpbKzSBccOHPuj83xr9yQ7e4h2WEAcM5aXUACi3gdrpyxSKTOwhyo2WL4LwWkBYYzzoEmZh3DOMqEwBS5PNeirpDFxRGsAx8rTTYl_iChpZh0CxK2TJMc4YEKaEvEXzTiIUn5g=s825" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEisNpJvFyY_MzWSM9k_tcw21l5JOOMw9tsyFzyIIpOujzkHH8Ay743xrpbKzSBccOHPuj83xr9yQ7e4h2WEAcM5aXUACi3gdrpyxSKTOwhyo2WL4LwWkBYYzzoEmZh3DOMqEwBS5PNeirpDFxRGsAx8rTTYl_iChpZh0CxK2TJMc4YEKaEvEXzTiIUn5g=w164-h181" width="164" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-8531972013025049082022-02-06T13:42:00.005-05:002022-08-27T09:56:21.892-04:00Conceal don't feel...Don't let them know---NO! Let it go!<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiZ4sLL0zTfM3yOdNRbyI3N54YNQEXujFuZ7H_zgujc8z_z7uJjHoKZjDilcgIF8jGOE_U8-XrrBBfYE8eYRiduAjJjmdZQ3F3ucfSEuMzOLsX82Q9wY3e9v8zKf46znXoK7yDV32FyksEq6cEUmaRkhlotiT0liEhzyyhQckziFNhRdAJ1ZyUs47X0MQ=s935" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="908" data-original-width="935" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiZ4sLL0zTfM3yOdNRbyI3N54YNQEXujFuZ7H_zgujc8z_z7uJjHoKZjDilcgIF8jGOE_U8-XrrBBfYE8eYRiduAjJjmdZQ3F3ucfSEuMzOLsX82Q9wY3e9v8zKf46znXoK7yDV32FyksEq6cEUmaRkhlotiT0liEhzyyhQckziFNhRdAJ1ZyUs47X0MQ=s320" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Just this morning I had 3 separate conversations with 3 people I love very very much. It hurt my heart. These people are not ideally at the weight they would like to be at. I have been there. These people avoid photos...and maybe mirrors....and they wonder what other people think when they see them. I have been there. I have struggled with weight most of...no, ALL of my life. I would have the best time at a party, or a dinner or just being and then I would see a photo of me and my entire mood would change. THAT is what I look like? Ugh. I thought I looked good today! I tried every diet under the sun. I would beat myself up for not being able to stick to anything. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p> I remember, I would get within 10 pounds of my goal weight and panic because OMG I have to do this forever???? And I would ultimately sabotage myself. I reached my goal weight in 1990 probably. I remember a particular wedding that I felt really good at. I was wearing a size 7 and felt like a million bucks. My now ex sister in law said to me "You are like an entirely different person when you feel good about yourself! You are so much more fun!" I remember being insulted (truth be told no matter what she said to me at that time I would have been insulted---I was in denial) and thinking NO! That's not true. (Was 1000 percent true! And if I could I would thank her for that, because it stuck in my head and ultimately helped me connect the dots to my inner issues) .</p><p> I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with my first blessing in 1993. I gained 75 lbs. with that pregnancy. But I felt beautiful, every minute. I was creating another human being and I was glowing. Fast forward to 2021 and I finally lost the remainder of that 75 lbs. 27 years and 2 more babies and I kept that extra 25 lbs. on my body. Some years it bothered me, some years not so much. In 2011 I began a journey to self love. I began to realize it did not matter how anyone else saw me. What mattered was how I saw myself. </p><p>While I began to explore the reasons why I didn't fully accept myself for who I was a miraculous thing happened. The weight came off. I did nothing differently. In fact, when I did diet/exercise nothing happened. I could not even lose weight using the methods that have worked in the past. I won't name them here, but they are ALL famous and they do work if you work them. Not this time. This 25 lbs would not budge. In fact, I gained another 10 at times. I was DETERMINED to be thin at my sons wedding in 2018---I was not. I think I lost 10 lbs. during that year but it wasn't because I was trying----it was because I was diving deeply into ME. Into what made me tick. Why was I codependent? Why did no one ever put me first? Why did I care how people perceived me? Why did I need people to acknowledge that I had changed? Why couldn't I accept that I was different and "weird" and a "wacko" (that last one was my dad's favorite description of me. No, he was not mean, or horrible. He didn't understand this spiritual life changing journey I was on.) A lot of people couldn't and still can't. And that was ok, because God brought me people who could. </p><p>In 2013 I started really opening up about the spiritual journey I was on. I could hear the whispers behind my back. I did not let it stop me. Was it hard? Ummmm damn straight. I would see my family and know they thought I was-whatever they thought I was. I stopped caring. I love my family with all my heart but I am different. I homeschooled my kids---I got divorced-----I moved across the country--- I am the black sheep, rebel in my family. Do they love me? Of course they do. But I don't think they understand me. And that is okay! I let go of needing anyone to "get" me....or accept me....and as I did that----the scale numbers went down. I accept me....I get me....and that is all that matters! For me AND for you! </p><p>I realized that our cells hold onto emotions. I remember in 2011 I had a distance healing with this amazing woman in Ireland. She told me certain pains in your body were a result of past trauma and wounds. I had this persistent pain in my left hip (I did not tell her this) and she told me that a past betrayal (she described it and the year it happened in detail) was being stored in my hip. As I released it---that pain disappeared and has not (knock on wood) returned. This was miraculous to me! It made me realize how amazing the human body is. Also weight sometimes protects you. If you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you avoid certain situations and those situations could be detrimental to you. It was funny, because a lot of people say that their partners make them feel horrible when they are overweight. They say cruel things, threaten to cheat---horrible, awful things. I remember hearing them in the meetings I would go to for one of the programs I was on. I remember saying - I would get bigger if my partner did that to me! AHHHH I was onto something---some people would stay overweight as a method of control. That weight was protecting them by making them realize that their partner was an ASSHOLE! They needed to figure that out so they could change their lives. My ex would try to sabotage my diets. I think he was nervous that I would lose the weight and leave. He never made me feel ugly or like something was wrong with me. But I think that weight protected me from leaving before it was time. And it's all about timing----Divine timing, not ours. </p><p>It is also a process....this journey of self love. Sometimes, we meet someone who makes us see ourselves in a way we have not before. They love us unconditionally and see our soul. And when we see ourselves through their eyes we realize that is the person we want to be. Sometimes that person is ourselves --- every journey is different. But the most important thing to realize is WHO we are is SO much more than what we LOOK like. The world has gone absolutely crazy with plastic surgery and botox and lift this and tuck this. For the love of GOD do you not think God made you perfectly?!?!?!?</p><p>At the end of the day, the only person who is inside of your head is YOU. And if YOU are not accepting and loving yourself EXACTLY as you are---then who is going to? Learn to love the person and the body looking back at you in the mirror RIGHT now----as is....and watch everything in your world change! After all, it is just a day in the life----- </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEja1VL2u0X735rzhFXePyQt644JILi2aHvb0s2Msp1SvktZ1F7xpKGMp0Bj_uVLa8Sfe6IZWbEJKy5ANzJ4JYPSR5f6-z-FEVSjJGlEbJG-tRedZHvkfkMKz5JZOT-ymQCRsW4zxG05HcZxZy1KvrUmtPuzwlZA1U25HZX8UNwXmGtf1657iAGEyn5hkg=s825" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEja1VL2u0X735rzhFXePyQt644JILi2aHvb0s2Msp1SvktZ1F7xpKGMp0Bj_uVLa8Sfe6IZWbEJKy5ANzJ4JYPSR5f6-z-FEVSjJGlEbJG-tRedZHvkfkMKz5JZOT-ymQCRsW4zxG05HcZxZy1KvrUmtPuzwlZA1U25HZX8UNwXmGtf1657iAGEyn5hkg=w182-h200" width="182" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-56820948199456380132022-01-10T21:10:00.005-05:002022-02-06T18:39:40.421-05:00You're the end of the rainbow...my pot of gold, you're daddy's little girl to have and to hold<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiwAOETp-Aa2Bgi7NqqBnjN_R3dUzH2VQxryLcut7kDGgPOsPHWjd6CfqiwttJP9mMYyeiUWOBZ71rGHaneWVNIjRfcSfwe-8zXliUNLhJr0n07e2ghDsmFGxc-mUl9lc-ngq_lWgeEcwu1ZsTheuaSumSzFrV2o_WxUbxVNEsA9S4ULFgbnsGreReG5g=s1024" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiwAOETp-Aa2Bgi7NqqBnjN_R3dUzH2VQxryLcut7kDGgPOsPHWjd6CfqiwttJP9mMYyeiUWOBZ71rGHaneWVNIjRfcSfwe-8zXliUNLhJr0n07e2ghDsmFGxc-mUl9lc-ngq_lWgeEcwu1ZsTheuaSumSzFrV2o_WxUbxVNEsA9S4ULFgbnsGreReG5g=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br />I lost my father on December 23rd, 2021. We laid him to rest this past weekend. I can type those words over and over again and they will never seem real. My father was 91 years old. Praise God he was a healthy man who did not stop working until January of his last year. He lived a good life. He touched many lives. He lit up a room. His love for my mother was immeasurable. These were all things that were said about him in the last few weeks since his passing. They are all true. But what struck me most this past weekend was the legacy he leaves behind in his grandchildren. There are seven of them. Anthony, Jessica, Richie, Katey, Danny, Nicholas and Emily. Those 7 human beings---they represent how my father will be immortalized. And what an INCREDIBLE legacy that is.<p></p><p>In the beginning of October we got the news that my dad had a mass on his pancreas. My brother and sister and I had a phone call about how to best present the news to my dad. My brother was the one to have the conversation and my dad chose to not have any further testing or treatment. We accepted his decision. He was planning to spend a few months up north for the holidays anyway, so we moved up the date. You know what? I am going to spare you the details of the next 3 months and just discuss my daddy and the reason we are ALL so destroyed by his passing, even though clearly this news had us all knowing the outcome and that it would most likely be swift.</p><p>Growing up, my dad was not a warm, fuzzy man. He didn't allow us to be weak or tolerate anything but our best. If I received a B on a test he wanted to know why it wasn't an A. He knew my potential and would not accept anything less. I did not resent it, I embraced it. I always wanted my dad to be proud of me. During the luncheon following his memorial this weekend we were discussing how we were disciplined as children. Of course most of the males in attendance remember having the belt used on them - my brother included. Someone asked me if I was ever hit/spanked. I said no. (that's a lie, he spanked me once and my mother ended that immediately lol) My brother in law scoffed at that - oh that's right you were perfect! Not in the slightest. However, the thought of disappointing my father kept me from disrespecting him or doing anything that would cause that reaction from him. I often wonder why and how he had that "power" over me. He earned it. </p><p>On Christmas day (2 days after his passing) I had an uncontrollable melt down while getting ready to go to Christmas dinner. I said to myself, I cannot do this. I am not going, surely they will understand?! I heard my dad say "You are going! You made a commitment and you will stick to it!" I went. I told my son what happened he chuckled and said "That's EXACTLY what Pop would have said!" </p><p> His demeanor and his presence had such an impact on his grandchildren. The 7 of them have (as my siblings and I do) a work ethic that is bar none. While I made the trip to Long Island this weekend to lay him to rest I was quite simply a mess. I have cried more in the past 3 months than I think I have in the last 15 years. The grief hits me like a sledgehammer. I have been shopping and tears just silently flow down my face. I have been driving and had to pull over because the sobs overcome me. I was convinced that after this weekend I would have some sort of "closure" and it would lessen---not the case. My children have been feeling the same. My oldest and youngest do not always show their emotions but the amount of tears I have watched them shed for their Poppa are immeasurable. I knew my cream filling son was going to take it hard. He was the closest to my dad. He has been calling him since he was 8 years old on his own. He would take trips down to see him and spend weekends there. I was expecting this to be hard on him, but I don't think I expected it to hit the other two this hard. But it shows the impact both of my parents had on their lives.</p><p>I am not going to lie, I do not even really know how they reacted during the Mass honoring his life, because I was trying not to scream out with the utter anguish that was inside of me. My middlest said last night that he looked over and kept seeing me shaking my head violently on my lap. Because I kept saying NO! I will NOT accept THIS! He's not gone. And that was the only way I could stop myself from screaming it.</p><p>My Godson, the oldest grandchild, gave a beautiful, emotional Eulogy for my dad. My cream filling son gave the first reading, my brother's oldest daughter did the second, my sister's son and brother's youngest daughter did the last one. All 7 of them walked up together and presented the gifts to the priest. That was the most beautiful tribute to their grandparents ever. I will hold that vision in my head for the rest of my days. That is what my father wanted. That is what he preached to us our whole lives---Family First! And my sister, brother and I have done him proud with the way we have raised our children. He did not always agree with our parenting styles --- but the end product was the same. 7 INCREDIBLE, respectful, loving, hard working, intelligent, good looking (if I do say so myself 😉 individuals.</p><p>My daughter is devastated that she is the only one he will not see graduate. But she is carrying on his legacy by going to cosmetology school (my dad was a barber). He commented often that he was so happy and so proud that someone was going to carry on that tradition and legacy. And I know he and my mom will be there as she turns her tassel in May. Maybe not in a seat like the others, but in all of our hearts and in spirit.</p><p>What struck me so hard is that I will never again hear him say "I'm proud of you Angel"....I cannot breathe at the thought of it. He did not say that a lot when I was a child, but he made up for it once I became a mother. He often told me how much he admired the type of mother I was. Then when I rejoined the workforce at nearly 50 years old he would tell me all the time how proud he was of me. He was the only person in my life that I KNEW would be there for me 24/7/365 and he is gone. He's gone......how on earth will I survive the rest of my life without him? I do not know. But I know I will, because he raised me to be that way. And he raised me to never give up and never say never. I will continue to do my very best to live up the standards he set for me....and my last words to him (in person) were "Thank you for being my daddy, I love you"----how lucky am I that I got to tell him that? How lucky am I that I had a dad that left such a hole in the lives of those who loved him..... </p><p>Very lucky indeed.....Arrivederci poppa----give mommy a big hug and now both of you will keep us safe and watched over. I love you. Thanks for being my daddy 💓</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhBgiEeuKnNYyuoTfzlnSw8KdOKN6Y_5_VGd6EouYglGHyNHTkDz_TbBHnwvga-t4vC9NJTstR8JGxPTF-6L4HqomtvkylsnM37ie8jwA_WmLtKbRs2jmRqvGKTqF1QLt4R2QhB39trJ68ZZsK422gOoc7xleFeXzfhi_3RUOtb49MVkbZhYmqx6sQ6aw=s825" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="750" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhBgiEeuKnNYyuoTfzlnSw8KdOKN6Y_5_VGd6EouYglGHyNHTkDz_TbBHnwvga-t4vC9NJTstR8JGxPTF-6L4HqomtvkylsnM37ie8jwA_WmLtKbRs2jmRqvGKTqF1QLt4R2QhB39trJ68ZZsK422gOoc7xleFeXzfhi_3RUOtb49MVkbZhYmqx6sQ6aw=w134-h147" width="134" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-43788767037644512122021-10-11T16:22:00.004-04:002022-02-07T19:43:48.244-05:00Unbreak my heart----bring back the joy to my life<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRK2bCKIwp6xfR2ZGf07CmAciStabGuN9mFk5azGAVwsl4Psues71T9_9bE8-XMXqXo7tEPSY2hviVL_Uj-_co8YWxih1WffiSVNWDJCQ1QKZa77BlAMX3FmE76b6_GYDh_X6hVuDTkYyg/s985/IMG_2184.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="985" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRK2bCKIwp6xfR2ZGf07CmAciStabGuN9mFk5azGAVwsl4Psues71T9_9bE8-XMXqXo7tEPSY2hviVL_Uj-_co8YWxih1WffiSVNWDJCQ1QKZa77BlAMX3FmE76b6_GYDh_X6hVuDTkYyg/s320/IMG_2184.PNG" width="244" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div> If any of you have google photos you will know that every once in a while it makes a collage of pictures for you with a nifty little title. I usually love that. Today, however I looked at them and I realized.....I am not the same person I was in 2013. I read energy in photos. I read eyes. Well my eyes do not have the same sparkle they did in the beginning of 2013. Something happened at the end of 2013 that changed me. I realize now I believe it broke my soul. I have not been the same since. I sent a message to my creme filling son stating this and he agreed. It changed me. I lost a part of myself. I want to get her back. I have been working SO hard to get her back for the last 8 years. I know part of her needed to change and fall away. The codependent part. The possessive part, the combative part. I don't miss her AT all. Good riddance. But the part of her that found such JOY in life---the one who didn't expect people to hurt her, didn't accept it as part of life---where the hell did she go? Is she ever coming back? I don't think so. And that makes me sad. She was fun. She did not hold back on loving people. She was shocked and hurt and genuinely disappointed when someone treated her poorly and hurt her heart instead of expecting it. <p></p><div>I always thought I became this way because of disappointment in romantic relationships. I always seem to choose emotionally unavailable people. I have come to realize that was because I thought if only I could prove my love enough they would need me the way I needed them. It was a personality flaw in myself. But the person that hurt me in this way was not a romantic partner. I think that is why I was so shocked by this revelation today. It also wasn't one of my parents--nope can't blame childhood trauma. But this revelation today opens a whole new chapter in my healing journey. I probably journaled 20 pages in the last few days. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had to take an emergency trip over the weekend and my reaction to everything was so detached. I was crying on the way home thinking---what is WRONG with me? Why am I so cold? So calm? So---unemotional? My daughter - who is brilliant and truly an incredible human being - explained it how she sees it. I no longer allow people to have a part of me just because of DNA or past relationships. I treat people as they treat me and I don't let people have that part of me that is reserved for those that treat me properly. Ok. That makes sense, but I don't like being so detached. However, as I write this I am crying---so it's there, the emotion. I am not made of stone. I just can't allow myself to get hurt the way I used to. And that all started in 2013. I was emotionally destroyed by someone I loved more than I thought I could love a person, someone I trusted to never hurt me. And I was unprepared. So unprepared. And it happened again nearly every year since. It happened again in August. And I haven't even shed a tear. It is like I expected it. I did not get angry. I did not get upset. I just shrugged and said "It is what it is. I did nothing wrong and this is not my fault." Ahhhh, that's the difference! In the past I blamed myself. Beat myself up over and over again. Changed the behavior. Changed ME. But guess what? I am no longer taking blame when I did not cause a situation. And not that I needed confirmation, but I have received confirmation from people close to the situation that this is not my fault. But whether or not I have allowed it to destroy me again, it did enough damage the first time, obviously. So what do I do? Can I ever get that person I was back? Do I want to?</div><div><br /></div><div>For me....it is safer being this person. I have allowed several people to destroy me since 2013. Several times. I always forgive, but I am not sure I can fully allow myself to FEEL the things I used to. I still love, but it is guarded. It is like I am always expecting them to hurt me or let me down and when they do I just accept it. It's like I just don't care anymore about things that I used to. Will that ever change? I hope so. It is not fair to anyone who comes into my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Two weeks ago I got some life changing news. I am still processing it and I truly could not function for a good part of a week. Then, last week I met my cousins from Las Vegas at the beach. I had a blissful, joyful day. We floated in the water, had lunch, just shared life and enjoyed each other's company. I told my daughter on the way home, THIS.... TODAY is what I want in my life. Easy conversations, people who GET me without me having to defend myself. I drove 6 hours to spend 7 hours with them. It was worth every second in the car. I know the more time like that I spend the more I will get back to who I want to be. But I also know that it requires me to either remove people from my life permanently or to keep them at arms length. What concerns me the most is the lack of emotion that I feel even about the good stuff. I guess it's because I know that the good stuff doesn't last, so why get excited about it. It is just a matter of time before it disappears and you never know if and when it will come back. And if it does, for how long? </div><div><br /></div><div>I have found a way to live in the moment. I appreciate every single day and I realize that everything happens for a reason---even this situation and discovery today. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjMDxQwCOgR8D-ZMYnBcbdTAOLFowdu2VY3-2Lkr54gjaZMW4DIvbfR-2i_iIKLej4MAf_CBye4guIbR4S5cECAjBSok8jH9oltGLm6VZRhrPrkY0iWa9CdFp8xlBky_UQzbcz-pXsbW_j1dOz2daj1vmFmMvyvmHVLKKZcyhIEGe_aUm3CGRY2Boyv2g" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjMDxQwCOgR8D-ZMYnBcbdTAOLFowdu2VY3-2Lkr54gjaZMW4DIvbfR-2i_iIKLej4MAf_CBye4guIbR4S5cECAjBSok8jH9oltGLm6VZRhrPrkY0iWa9CdFp8xlBky_UQzbcz-pXsbW_j1dOz2daj1vmFmMvyvmHVLKKZcyhIEGe_aUm3CGRY2Boyv2g" width="218" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><div><br /></div>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-6179913463568650432021-09-02T13:16:00.004-04:002022-02-07T19:45:05.498-05:00Rising up…straight to the top. Got the guts got the glory<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga4CAjkO0KXs3qxUeB9kN4kg4x7mHm2AHQ-VKubzjcvRoFmmwV1c7G-MkXParL38kNj1x_yUJFNIgg8OJHqzJv3CvQChcgTSh92ehFgnLWrfjEiZkBs9KHl0La75laQRW_DQgtH08q0GBB/s545/IMG_1453.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="519" data-original-width="545" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga4CAjkO0KXs3qxUeB9kN4kg4x7mHm2AHQ-VKubzjcvRoFmmwV1c7G-MkXParL38kNj1x_yUJFNIgg8OJHqzJv3CvQChcgTSh92ehFgnLWrfjEiZkBs9KHl0La75laQRW_DQgtH08q0GBB/s320/IMG_1453.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><br />I forget a lot of negative things in life. A lot. I have worked really hard to focus on the present moment (as that is all we are promised). This week the past has come back with my creme filling son in a positive way and a negative way. I got to see him back on the field for the first time in 5 years. I cannot even type that without tears streaming down my face. I cannot explain the range of emotions I experienced that night. Nostalgia, excitement, sadness, happiness, faith and confirmation. Confirmation that everything happens exactly as it should and that when you have faith and hope and conviction in your prayers- God delivers. Now, he's playing in a men's softball league---so many would say, SERIOUSLY? What's the big deal? (Including my son, who laughed when he took one look at my face and knew I was about to cry). Yes! Seriously!!! I wrote an entire book about how the game of baseball saved my son's life. His love of that game and his desire to be on that field kept him fighting though his battle of childhood cancer. When he decided to leave the game of baseball in college, I knew it was the right decision. I was, however, afraid he would never pick up a glove again. He said as much. I knew, in my heart, that that would be a big mistake. However, he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish in his life and this was not the time for baseball. He has since completed his bachelor's degree, gotten his real estate license, moved out of state and back, gotten married, purchased his first brand new home, (not in that order)at the young age of 23. So, when he decided it was time to join a league I knew that divine timing was at play.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Last night he asked me for some pictures of when he had cancer. He has never wanted to look at those before. I asked why. He said, "It's childhood cancer awareness month". I forgot. So I shared a file I have of pictures of just him. I kept adding the cancer ones (noticing there were none of the two of us together--hmmm) He said, "I do not recognize that boy. You don't have to go through anymore mom if it's too hard for you." Huh? I said I don't mind it AT all. All I feel is proud and happy when I see those pictures. He replied "WHY?" I said "WHY? Because look at you now!" To which he sent me a wiseass selfie commenting on yea, now I have hair. I said No! Without that little boy, this man would not be who he is! So as heart wrenching and AWFUL as it was---I can't wallow there.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I will honor September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I will keep all of those families in my prayers as they battle this horrific disease. I know not everyone is blessed to have our outcome. I am grateful EVERY day for DTM's life and the man he has become.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJRDqOa9-QfN69TRNTeI-418k7mVr1SveQfsQ5qaJKv-kP4zk5zhrYGzv-0AokBMKDKFNm1IfxbBMwUfhMuIX0CJo99Vv0SSa4P9ZS5vfkI1DYrhzjROGz9RlKB_Wlp0GdkRUBVVi-atVQ/s1800/Danasu2_0383.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="1235" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJRDqOa9-QfN69TRNTeI-418k7mVr1SveQfsQ5qaJKv-kP4zk5zhrYGzv-0AokBMKDKFNm1IfxbBMwUfhMuIX0CJo99Vv0SSa4P9ZS5vfkI1DYrhzjROGz9RlKB_Wlp0GdkRUBVVi-atVQ/s320/Danasu2_0383.jpg" width="220" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Because not every day is JUST a day in the life....</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg=w157-h173" width="157" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><br /><p></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-56932141554211433412021-08-06T11:41:00.002-04:002022-02-07T19:45:46.598-05:00Homeward bound, I wish I was...homeward bound....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgANCPy32Y6ls0ZXYwJPiakRmLplP7kcDgxfuHfGjnJogI-at9UnVEV1ooY58TyGvoj4ZS9O9kJ-gg4_bsDhetXk-zztjw2JuyMbqDSZ8yPrAA7OA7yiwSoP1KOPpZ7piw-7sQZAUawae8I/s504/IMG_8545.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="504" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgANCPy32Y6ls0ZXYwJPiakRmLplP7kcDgxfuHfGjnJogI-at9UnVEV1ooY58TyGvoj4ZS9O9kJ-gg4_bsDhetXk-zztjw2JuyMbqDSZ8yPrAA7OA7yiwSoP1KOPpZ7piw-7sQZAUawae8I/s320/IMG_8545.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />Home is where the heart is....this is a completely accurate statement. Over the last few years I have gotten this overwhelming feeling every once in a while that I want to go home. It was confusing to me, because most times I was home. It happened enough that I felt like I had to delve deeper into what it meant to me. At first I thought it was an energetic feeling coming from someone that felt that I was home---but I have discovered that was not it. Then I thought, maybe it is heaven---maybe I wanted to go be with God in my heavenly home. That did not feel right either. I think I have figured it out. I want to go back in time to when my children were all home with me under one roof. Before school happened (the older two were homeschooled), before cancer, or other medical issues, or divorce touched our lives. When every day was ours, just ours to do whatever we wanted. When I could solve every problem they had and I had the responsibility to keep them happy and fed and well rested. Life was so simple then.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I spoke to my sister about it, she said when she feels that way, for her it is going back to living in my parents home--when summer days were long and lazy. I don't want to relive my childhood---I want to relive my childrens. Although I am enjoying this phase of life where I have more freedom personally, I crave the days of snuggling under blankets watching movies and making memories. My heart literally aches when I think about it. And now, we are separated in different states as well as different homes. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I also think it is more to do with who I was when they were little. I miss HER too. She had so much passion and love in her heart. She loved fiercely *pause to take a phone call from my youngest son--yes there was bawling on my part* Ok, she still loves fiercely---it's just different. Everything is different. It is not bad, just different. I love the relationships I have built with my children. I treasure it! I only wish I could go back with the knowledge of how amazing our relationships would be. I would have enjoyed it even more.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Well, my entire mood has shifted after talking to my creme filling child. How amazing that my children are my best friends? How blessed and lucky am I? That is why I miss those times, when it was just the four of us--in our own little bubble. Luckily, I did cherish those moments while they were happening. And I still get glimpses when we are all together. But, as I am realizing, nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. I guess I have not gotten better at letting go of the picture of life the way I want it instead of what it is. Although, back then I never thought past that day. I never thought about what it would be like when they grew up. I just loved the moments. And that is why I do not like change. And I feel the changes will be coming more consistently and I am not sure I am ready.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My hope is that where ever I am, my children will always consider that home. Because my heart belongs to them and they will always be my home no matter what day in the life it is.....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg=w157-h173" width="157" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-40967698443447076112021-06-01T10:23:00.003-04:002022-02-07T19:46:38.712-05:00Good morning yesterday.....you wake up---and time has slipped away<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZg6IOKICzR8OfZh1XAI8UxfywHItOFLS2s_r-7W1uy5GQo8w1wh6a6k-qgAvZyu5f59hOnVpSWDx_6vf_3rk98kRyALd-CY74Ua9NFduTkRbOnCrurIOWhnzhDqHN-mlUOT7XTQsCZqfN/s4032/IMG_9962.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZg6IOKICzR8OfZh1XAI8UxfywHItOFLS2s_r-7W1uy5GQo8w1wh6a6k-qgAvZyu5f59hOnVpSWDx_6vf_3rk98kRyALd-CY74Ua9NFduTkRbOnCrurIOWhnzhDqHN-mlUOT7XTQsCZqfN/s320/IMG_9962.HEIC" /></a></div>I am not really sure what is going to come through, but this post has been floating in my brain all weekend. I was blessed to spend the weekend with all three of my children in beautiful Amelia Island. I really cannot remember the last time we went away together when we were not visiting family in New York or Las Vegas or Florida. I think their entire childhoods flashed before my eyes this weekend, along with every vacation we had ever taken. This time away was much needed. I gave my work phone to my daughter for the weekend (ok, she demanded it lol) and at first I felt lost like I was missing a limb--that made me realize how much I had changed and grown as much as my children have. By the time we got to the hotel and settled in it went away. I am enjoying my role as friend in my children's lives and not so much mommy anymore. There is no worrying about whether I have packed their favorite things- they do that themselves now. No more planning their meals and making sure they have snacks in between (yes, I still pack them, along with water, but if I did not they would fend for themselves). I realized how different life has become....I was sitting poolside with my oldest and discussing everything under the sun and it occurred to me how quickly I had become a working mom and forgot what life was like before. Watching all these families on vacation and kids in the pool with their parents I quickly went back in time to when that was me. Yes, I got emotional, but not because they are grown up, but because I realized how I never could be completely in one place back then. I remembered a trip to Disney World when my boys were probably 7 and nearly 3. I thought about how when I was in the room with my younger son while he napped and my oldest was in the pool with his dad that all I could think about was being at the pool having fun with him. Then, when my parents took over room duty and I was down in the pool I was thinking about how I wished my younger son would wake up and come have fun. I could never fully enjoy myself. I was always micromanaging time and moods and making sure everyone had the best time. Yesterday morning we were at the pool and my younger son saw two brothers fighting in the pool and he turned to me and said "Hey ma! Bring back memories? Do you miss it?" chuckling with his brother. I quickly replied, NO! lol. I much prefer this<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqBoqRuODDxMFH-B4ytkGjJ1LjvPTyA-RpZK4Q3VWvR_0mYVhgp6AAY1ukN56bPdOIbrORQI-lsGuBd95HwdUMEBrHsXQPesyaoF89HGolYXwQOOJlZogyD_AflR2TDV6ZJMRqYSFC00p6/s3024/IMG_9964.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="3024" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqBoqRuODDxMFH-B4ytkGjJ1LjvPTyA-RpZK4Q3VWvR_0mYVhgp6AAY1ukN56bPdOIbrORQI-lsGuBd95HwdUMEBrHsXQPesyaoF89HGolYXwQOOJlZogyD_AflR2TDV6ZJMRqYSFC00p6/w400-h238/IMG_9964.HEIC" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p>watching them have a catch on the beach. They had a wiffleball game with my daughter, daughter in law and her brother too. This was much more fun. Truth be told when they were little the beach was always a place they got along well. This trip was a beautiful reminder of that. Only now they go smoke cigars together instead of building sand castles -- still bonding.</p><p>My daughter and I went to order breakfast and they asked if we had paid for our coffees already---I said oh yes, my sons came down earlier and they brought them up to us. She said "Oh yes, your boys were so nice! Very polite, lots of please and thank yous--such gentlemen" Wow, that never ever gets old. I am so very proud of them every single day. My daughter---where do I begin? I feel like she is the absolute best version of me. She is going away this week to spend time with our family in New York and knowing that, she stayed pretty close to me this weekend. I cannot wait for my family to get to spend time with her alone and see her personality and just get to know her as an almost adult. I will miss her, that goes without saying, but just like her brothers before her I love watching them get to experience life and become the people I prayed they would be.</p><p>I have never been one to think about my age, but this trip it really hit me that I am getting older. I had the replay of my life in the back of my mind while at the forefront was the beautiful addition of my precious time with my kids. Something was missing, but that is nothing new---that is missing every day of my life, I am getting used to that constant ache, but I forced myself to focus on the good. The break from work, my 3 healthy, happy, miraculous offspring---enjoying each other's company while we still live in the same state. I realized how blessed I am. Some people never see the fruits of their labor. I see it every time they are together. Every time they talk about memories (even ones that make me look not so great ;) and knowing that their bond has strengthened over time....and that the one thing I worked so hard to instill in them shows---- Family First. And everything else? Just a day in the life.....</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg=w157-h173" width="157" /></a></p><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-30355084845391377212021-02-26T10:47:00.002-05:002022-02-07T19:47:08.866-05:00Sing.....Sing a song...sing out loud.....sing out strong!<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUAvFyWAESdvAiLcEcW4E1T20p8Sw43RUes1FwcvETWxRbLi1h6GChzNaxcj3e3tFtC-Bxopn2e2Ct3IFzto77XJHeD5FPxA45OjmjqAQrlmS-kNMtCAhc39nwQAhMgTARkGlvA7i2CIQg/s1333/35B9A494-34BC-4808-B9F0-319EBA890208.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1333" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUAvFyWAESdvAiLcEcW4E1T20p8Sw43RUes1FwcvETWxRbLi1h6GChzNaxcj3e3tFtC-Bxopn2e2Ct3IFzto77XJHeD5FPxA45OjmjqAQrlmS-kNMtCAhc39nwQAhMgTARkGlvA7i2CIQg/s320/35B9A494-34BC-4808-B9F0-319EBA890208.jpg" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Music.....it is really just words put to a tune, but it is so much more powerful than just that. Music has the ability to touch your soul in a way that few things can. It can take you to another place, can take you to a memory in a mere instant. Recently I have been listening to music consistently. I remembered when I took a quiz to see which senses were most important to having me feel joy. That's when I realized that candles and music were very important in allowing myself to have those feelings. As always, I lose my way and I don't make time for those simple things, but I decided it was time to make it a priority again. Singing and dancing can make me feel that happiness I felt when my kids were little and we would dance in the kitchen every day. I know most people have that memory with their significant other, you always hear about couples dancing together in the kitchen. I've never had that. I've only experienced that with my children, but that joy was precious nonetheless. It brings me a lot of happiness that my children have playlists that include those songs and their memories are just as special.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The other day I was driving and listening to a recommended playlist on Spotify. The song "Cherish" by the Association came on. My first thought was of my cousin Cathy. It was her wedding song with her first husband waaaaaayyy back in the 70's. It made me wonder where she is and if she was still alive. (she is one of the handful of cousins that no one really speaks to). In a matter of a minute, my mind went from that to how fortunate we are to have not lost many cousins on that side. My cousin Tommy, my cousin Robert - and I thought wow, same family, that's odd. Then I remembered my cousin Cliff who passed away when I was so young, his sister Lenore that I believe has passed and hmm, what is Mitchell up to? and then, of course to my cousin Richie who was killed in Viet Nam and how happy I am to be back in touch with his sisters (my cousins Pat and Annette). All of those thoughts within a minute, simply from a random song. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It made me wonder----are there any songs that would make me pop into someone's head? Does everyone do this when they listen to music? This also prompted another conversation....about cooking, and when you put love into the food.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">My friend's father is turning 94 this week. He is the sweetest man. I have been promising him Pasta Fagioli for the last few years and they were celebrating his birthday this week so I finally got to deliver on my promise. I often get nervous when cooking for people for the first time. My children think I'm the best cook ever, my ex husband's family loved my cooking as well, but I still always worry that maybe I am not as good as they think I am. I also made a Vegan version for a big majority of the group and that really made me nervous! So I dropped the Vegan version off the night before the gathering so it could be heated before I got there the next day. My friend and his brother tried it. His brother is not my biggest fan so I knew he would not lie about how it tasted. His entire demenour changed after one spoonful. He looked at me with different eyes, I was no longer a fiesty opponent but a "damn good cook". Hmmmm....maybe the way to a man's heart truly is through his stomach. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The next day I arrived with the regular version of my mom's infamous pasta fagioli. The birthday boy was just as excited to see that crockpot as he was to see me! It was really such a special day and I am so grateful I was able to be a part of it. Watching him be the center of attention and share his memories of when he was a child was truly magical. The topic of cooking came up and a few of us were discussing how some people can make the same recipe and it tastes differently. My adversary turned friend agreed with me that when someone cooks with love it definitely makes a difference. I think that is why a mom's cooking tastes the best to their children. These batches of pasta fagioli were made with me dancing and singing at the top of my lungs throughout the whole process. I truly love the people I was making it for and knowing that the birthday boy was excited for it gave me such joy. It is no wonder there was magic in each bowl. Last night I had some and my daughter (who does not LIKE pasta fagioli) asked if she could have a taste. I said, "ew it's cold." She took a spoonful anyway.....she is now hooked! She loved it. She said it's never tasted so good! See? Music=magic!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Here are my thoughts on this whole topic, you need to bring JOY into everything you do! Whatever that looks like to you. Music may not be your thing, then find out what is! What makes your heart and soul sing? Do that! Find that! It changes everything! And joy, changes what would just be a day in the life.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="182" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhGu7_2tMwOE5UvWThwTTMfJ2pHW3qM44ohtyKayR3JC08OSLmQGN_VvKr70Nv9OWE7-4TdvZY-PKHtWdKzpzKxzvmTC6MEq9kSGLxaOo-ATZ8Ry3mYjOuzlyaOtHdVtyvAbKI3hJb_TasYC4gsJar18A-oJ59b0Rf4RoHowSn5B7mLGM9k9B4bL2A6rg=w157-h173" width="157" /></a><br /> </span><p></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-15181431024599830892020-12-28T11:44:00.002-05:002020-12-28T11:50:28.672-05:00Everything I knew but I didn't know <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijEG8eqXaoffT8waB41JKpX94rkqEON2FaDu0NcgbiAPlev1PgFaUH6XjjM5Z_HhWKNUtPeejimDTJ26Ajz0UtQZW-HOdH6VQ4ELvIRfGKH_E-JqxFjDfJvQ4MbWo9-OtQRkj6SLFslP9L/s4032/IMG_0629.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijEG8eqXaoffT8waB41JKpX94rkqEON2FaDu0NcgbiAPlev1PgFaUH6XjjM5Z_HhWKNUtPeejimDTJ26Ajz0UtQZW-HOdH6VQ4ELvIRfGKH_E-JqxFjDfJvQ4MbWo9-OtQRkj6SLFslP9L/w240-h272/IMG_0629.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />It's the last Monday of 2020. Some are saying Thank God it's almost over. I say Thank God it happened. Thank God that I had these 365 trips around the sun. I learned a few years back not to evaluate my life by the numbers on the calendar. Every year has challenges and blessings. Some have more of one than the other. For those who are so over the top disgusted with 2020 because of the changes in their lifestyle I say, you are a lucky person. When I look back on "bad" years it was because horrible, terrible things were happening in my life. Not because I can't go out to eat with my friends or find toilet paper. It is all about choices and viewpoint. I am choosing to bless 2020 and thank it for the things it taught me and the happiness it brought.<p></p><p>2020 started with my oldest son in a very bad place. If you had told me then that by the end of it he would be where he is I am not sure I would have believed you. For that alone 2020 will be a year I would relive gladly to get to where we are today. </p><p>Later in January we were blessed with my great niece being born. She is a light in this world that God knew we needed. Her mere presence in the world makes it a better place. She has not had an easy start---allergies, eczema so severe she has to work like Houdini to scratch the itch, and coming into the world when everything has been on lockdown for most of her first year. Yet, Miss Lyla is a fighter. That little girl is going to change the world just by being in it. 2020 will always remind me of the blessing she is.</p><p>We had cancelled trips a plenty, fear of losing jobs, shocking deaths (not Covid related), prom cancelled, graduations cancelled, Weddings cancelled just like everyone else. Is it difficult? Of course, but really? In the grand scheme of life those are things people experience all the time. I am choosing to look at the blessings.</p><p>My Godson graduated college to go on to his Masters program, it didn't look like he thought it would but someday he'll look back and realize he's not alone and a lot of people will have some crazy stories of quarantined graduations. It makes us have to work a little harder to make moments like this special.</p><p>My dad celebrated his 90th birthday. I was lucky enough to be able to spend it with him but I know it's not what anyone expected or wanted. But the important thing is that we have been blessed to have him celebrate his 90th birthday. That is a gift denied to many.</p><p>My son turned 22 and although the cruise he had planned was cancelled they made the best of it and took a weekend away at the beach where they got married in 2018. My daughter and I were lucky enough to spend his birthday with him on the beach and if he had been on the cruise it would have been the first birthday we didn't get to see each other. See how I turned that around? 😎</p><p>My daughter's junior year is not looking like she thought it would but she's finally being "homeschooled" like her brother's were and she's realizing it's not too bad to do school from her pajamas.</p><p>We finally took a trip to NY to meet my beautiful great niece and were lucky enough to be there when my niece Katey got engaged! How lucky was THAT! She was supposed to be in San Diego that week and the proposal would have happened there. Thank you 2020 for allowing me to be part of that amazing moment in her life. Had there been no pandemic that would never have happened.</p><p>We got to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family and also with my daughter in laws family which was such a huge blessing and so much fun! We have gotten so close and it is truly a joy that 2020 has given us this time.</p><p>My son and his beautiful wife bought their first home. It is being built as we speak. Because of that they have been staying with me on and off and we are lucky enough to have the beauty of my son's "last Christmas at home" for probably the third time 😉.</p><p>My daughter in law finished her college classes. She will be graduating in May. Such a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her! </p><p>Thank you 2020, for these and many other blessings that I can't write about. Thank you for the lessons and the changes and the growth that you've brought. Here's to another 365 trips around the sun with the ones I love, because after all----it is just a day in the life.</p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4336954301137730931.post-28246078697669610682020-10-25T11:23:00.001-04:002020-10-25T11:32:55.308-04:00You may say I'm a dreamer......<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBpcDiOUb0UDFkW1UDx0rv66BxAyiYBLtqoHfJcbMdbVhyphenhyphenRTEyMMwJUH4h11Js9YlZUI48yBuAXE9a91jombJPj324RWLWq3j2SL9MIZ6bN9RWVw40gml4zkLAHbNDdeWbk8Mx6gY33BxY/s3024/IMG_0297.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2109" data-original-width="3024" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBpcDiOUb0UDFkW1UDx0rv66BxAyiYBLtqoHfJcbMdbVhyphenhyphenRTEyMMwJUH4h11Js9YlZUI48yBuAXE9a91jombJPj324RWLWq3j2SL9MIZ6bN9RWVw40gml4zkLAHbNDdeWbk8Mx6gY33BxY/s320/IMG_0297.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div><br /> Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving. I know it's a month away, but we were all together and as I always told my kids I don't care if it's a Wednesday in April and we celebrate Christmas---when we're all together it's a holiday for me. Now, I've been off my holiday game probably since my youngest found out that Santa isn't real. Being a person who makes an average Tuesday into a holiday has its pros and cons. It means that the ACTUAL holidays are not as important and the stress and hoopla is kinda a nuisance to me. BUT, I have traditions that I have created and my kids look forward to them so I continue them (or face the wrath lol). Every Thanksgiving I give them each a decoration that they will then take with them when they move out of my home. My oldest---nutcrackers. So we have 20 something Nutcrackers that come out every December. My creme filling son---it was snowmen. His wife was a little underwhelmed with the amount of snowmen that now decorate her home, so a few years back I switched to just giving them a random decoration on Thanksgiving (I'm not sure my son likes this too much....he loved his snowmen). When he moved out I realized that I really need to purchase some decorations of my own because 20 snowmen missing was a huge gap in the decor. My baby girl started out with Angels and then she decided she preferred snowglobes so that's what she gets. Well I normally have an extra month to get these things but when I returned from a trip on Monday I realized that I had less than a week! I also realized that buying my Turkey on Wednesday (at full price for the first time in 32 years!!!) did not give it enough time to defrost in the Fridge....minor details. I also realized that no one sells lemon pudding anymore! Walmart online delivery to the rescue---my oldest needs his lemon meringue pie! Ok, so....here we go. The reason for this blog post----at least I THINK there is a message.<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p>I actually convinced myself it was Thanksgiving. I was shopping on Saturday for a new tablecloth because I did not have time to get to storage and get out my dishes and tablecloths etc. I was irritated at how little Thanksgiving things were around, because ummm helllooooo tomorrow is Thanksgiving...oooh wait---no it's not. And, shoot---late that evening the boys ate all the munchies during their Saturday night MMA fight night hoopla and I can't run out on Thanksgiving morning! We even found the parade on You Tube. My daughter woke up that morning and didn't understand why none of her friends were posting anything on social media about Thanksgiving. We were really living in another dimension. That brings me to my realization....</p><p>We can convince ourselves of anything---our imagination is a powerful tool. If you believe it, you can create it and achieve it. You can convince yourself of pretty much anything if your heart is in it. </p><p>Spending a week with my oldest is really eye opening for me. He sees me in a way that warms my heart. He has truly seen me at my worst and at my best and he and I have been through really awful moments in our mother/son relationship, including nearly a year of not speaking. We discussed how the mind works and why we are all (our family) able to live in this year of craziness and see the good in it, to see the reasons for a lot of it. He knows so much about the subconscious mind and how to clear things out---he helps me process so much. We discussed visualizing things and how it becomes real. I've never been much of a visualizer--I can't see things that I imagine. But I'm realizing that the things I cannot visualize are things that aren't meant for me. Which also makes me realize that if I can imagine it than it's possible! </p><p>I decided to take a course this month related to that Quantum leap. It's teaching me a lot about myself and the fact that there isn't much I want materially in life. When guided to try to manifest a thing----there isn't anything materially that I want. Everything that makes me happy and makes my heart sing and my soul have peace has to do with relationships and the people I love. It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. What do I strive for? What can I do to make my life better when the only things I want aren't things at all? What can I do when people that are my priority have other priorities? This is what I'm working on....trying to figure out what to do about this. I want to say what's wrong with me? But then I realize I don't know how to be any other way. I've been this way my whole life- yes in the past I wanted certain material things (a home of my own, a new car etc.) but those were only to enrich the things that were really important to me. The home was for my children and the car was for safety and the new car smell (I'm a sucker for new car smell). ...............</p><p>Well I will continue to work on this thing we call life....try to find new passions and things that drive me---but unless you can teach an old dog new tricks I'm not sure how successful I will be.</p><p><br /></p><p>Happy Thanksgiving.....it's just a day in the life <3</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Journey Back to Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00105891352497942375noreply@blogger.com0