If you could read my mind now.....just like a paperback novel

In the past 48 hours I've had conversations with my sons that have really upset me.  I've come to a point in my life where I am ready to be more than a mom.  I'm ready to be that supporting cast in the movie of their individual lives and for them to be that in mine.  It's not always easy, because they do still rely on me quite a bit.  It's also not easy because I do still want us all to remain close.  I want the three of them to have that connection with me and with each other forever.  So, as with anything else in life, I'm searching for balance.  I have pretty much removed anyone in my life that doesn't bring positivity.  I only have relationships with people that are like minded.  Do I have to deal with people that aren't?  Of course, I don't live in a cave!  But the only people I give MY energy and MY attention to and the only people who get a front row seat or starring role in the movie of my life are carefully chosen.  Last weekend I healed two very important past relationships in my life with two very important conversations. I got the closure that I needed to give my heart peace and I can now go forward without having animosity or anything other than friendship.  It was a huge turning point for my future.  My sister mentioned how my past always comes back to me and I realized it's because I still had lessons to learn from those relationships.

One of these was with my ex husband.  We have been cordial for 80% of our divorce.  I just really didn't want a friendship with him.  I wanted to avoid contact with him as much as possible.  Something shifted in our situation in the last month or so.  I found myself calling him last weekend to check up on him and to talk to someone who gets me. We had an incredible conversation where he actually gave me some really great advice.  I think, for him, he is at peace and happy for the first time in a long time...maybe ever.  He's found his "niche".  I'm truly happy for him, it's a blessing to see.  I was telling him about some frustrations I've been having and how I wasn't at peace and I wasn't happy and he told me I needed to take time for me.  I needed to walk around the lake by my house, or go to the pool and do something for me every day.  So, I took his advice.  Of course when I went for the walk I saw the alligator coming out of the water and I thought...hmmmm was this his plan all along? 😉I thanked him for truly always being there for me at my darkest times.  We grew up together and although I know that our soul purpose of the journey we took was so that our 3 children could be born and nothing else, it is nice to have someone who knows me so completely and has nothing to gain or lose in this relationship and who wants nothing more than to have a peaceful friendship.

This brings me back to my conversations with my sons...I digress but there's a point to it.  Their father and I devoted ourselves completely to our children.  My ex was a detached spectator for the most part, but he has ALWAYS done whatever needed to be done to make sure the kids got whatever they wanted.  He allowed me to give them whatever they needed.  Because of choices we made I was able to stay home with my kids and devote myself to them.  My oldest son has said for nearly 10 years that he didn't want to bring kids into this world.  That hurt me, but I got it.  My younger son told me the other day that he didn't know if he wanted kids because they require so much.  He said "look at you, you're still taking care of us, I don't think I want that".  He was half joking (and I know he will go on to have a family...it's a newlywed thing for him I think).  I told my oldest son about this conversation this morning and he said "He's not wrong Ma....I wouldn't want your job!"  That hurt me so deeply.  I have always shown my kids what joy it brings me to be their mother.  Those aren't just words, that's my way of life.  They were my purpose for many years....they are my legacy and my mark on the world.  And that's how they see it?

My aunt passed away this week.  She was the only Aunt I had left, my dad's only sibling left.  I look at her life as such a success.  She had 4 children.  They all still went to her house on Sunday's for lunch/dinner.  She had 10 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren and 1 on the way.  What an amazing legacy.  They are all devastated that she's gone.  They have incredible memories of her.  Hell, our whole family has many memories of Christmas eve at her house, tons of Baptisms, showers, Easter dinners, the list goes on.  I wondered how my children will remember me and then I had these conversations with them and I'm not gonna lie it shook me.

My oldest son has a lot of negative memories from childhood.  He feels that he was bullied and even though he doesn't outwardly blame me for it (as he did for the last 10 years) I know he still feels it a bit.  It's part of being a parent, I know.  It's my need to do things perfectly in order to be happy (which I'm venturing away from) that causes my sadness about this.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  There's no such thing as a perfect partner.  There's no such thing as a perfect person.  I know this.  I still struggle to be what everyone needs while not losing myself in the process.  Hell for most of my life I didn't even know who I was.  But now that I've found her I'm determined to make sure that she doesn't get lost again.  But there will be bumps along the way.  I guess I need to not be so worried about disappointing those I love (since I seem to do that no matter what at times) and worry about not disappointing myself.  She's worked her ass off to become the person she is today and she deserves better.  She deserves the effort she gives everyone else.  She deserves everything she's ever wanted.  She's earned that right.  So I will protect her, the way I protect everyone else I love.  And she will finally be first in someone's life.....her own.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.....