Where are you going my little one....

Well, it's official.  My youngest son moved to North Carolina yesterday.  It was not a pretty scene and I have not seen an improvement yet.  They left and I looked at my daughter and said "and then there were two".  I was expecting to be okay after saying goodbye.  I was convinced the goodbye part was the hard part.  I was an idiot.  As I type this tears are streaming down my face and I can't breathe.  I tried to keep busy yesterday.  I put the new headboard on my bed at the new house, started to assemble to TV stand.  Nothing is going well and everything seems to be a struggle at the new house.  From getting my gate bar code to work to nothing fitting or matching in the new space.  I figure I better take a step back before I taint that space with negative vibes.  So, we slept at the old house again last night.  Just my daughter and me and Zoey our very confused dog.  As I opened my eyes this morning I realized....I don't want to leave this house.  It's too final.  It's the final connection to what once was.  The four of us in one place.  I'm not ready.  We moved here with such hopes and dreams....the Fab Four and our two pups.  I'm leaving this home with my daughter and only one of the pups.  Two years have wreaked havoc with change in this family.  I know it's all for the best (minus poor Roxie).  My sons are men now.  Strong, capable, handsome, sensitive men.  They are moving on to the next phase of their lives and I'm so very very proud of them.  And I'm excited for them.  But I'm mourning the last phase of my life.  The phase that was the biggest part of my 53 years on this earth.  I talked to my oldest son for an hour or so last night and he was so very sweet.  Trying so hard to understand my emotions and be there for me.  While we were talking my younger son started a family group chat for the four of us so we can keep each other updated and stay connected.   I want them back.  I want them close to me again.  Not in the same house but at least in the same state.  No one prepared me for this phase of life.  I guess I was truly living in the moment and not thinking about what lies ahead.  My daughter said, in her wisdom, "well of course not mommy.  No one hands you a baby and says ok, but remember they're going to grow up and leave!"  I know this is all for the best.  I know my sons are strong and they are adaptable and they are brave enough to explore different places and experiences and I'm so very proud of them for that (and so many other things) but they aren't just my sons.....they're my very best friends.  They are my favorite people in the whole world.  How lucky am I?  But how very painful is this....I truly have never experienced a broken heart until now.   My spirit is broken at the moment.  My hope and faith and strength....all broken.  I want to shut out the world and have a "jammie" day, which is what we used to do when they were little.  But I can't.  Life has not only changed for them, it has for me as well.  I'm on my own and the only one who can get stuff done.  And there is a lot to get done because at the moment I have two houses that have basically crap all over the place.  Who is going to fix that?  Me.  I've done it so many times before but this time....this time is different.  I'm broken and tired and I want it all to go away.  I look around and think how the hell am I going to do this all by myself.  But I will, I always do.  My daughter is a HUGE help, but she's still young and a teenager who is on summer break and sleeps....A LOT  lol.  Plus I have a new job that needs to be my priority.  I am still getting used to it and I can't just stop my world anymore.  It's all good.  I know this in my heart and soul.  But right now?  At this moment?  I just am struggling to breathe.  But then I know.....it's just a day in the life.

When your heart belongs to two people at the same time

Can you love two men at the same time?  Truly love.  With all of your heart and soul? Unconditionally?

There are two men that have my heart.  One is tall and thin and has light hair and light eyes.   He's serious and quiet.  He's contemplative and still figuring himself out.  Our relationship has been bumpy and volatile at times.   My love for him has never wavered.  His love for me however has disappeared a few times.... buried under anger and blame.   It's always there deep down but sometimes I fear it will be lost forever.   We have these intense, life altering conversations that leave me a better person. I can share my internal work and spiritual thoughts with him and he shares lessons with me.   He has made me face a side of myself that isn't always easy but it's necessary.  I feel blessed that he is in my life and that I am one of the few people he allows into his world.  He had my heart first.   He captured it so abruptly and so completely I never thought I could love anyone else  that way ever again in my life.  I was wrong.

There's another man that also has my heart.  Just as strongly and completely.   My relationship with him is easier.   He's more muscular and he's got dark wavy hair and dark soft eyes.   He and I speak the same language.  He's charming and out going and I always know what he's thinking and feeling.  We lean on each other and have this connection no one else can understand. He's my biggest fan and I never have to doubt his love or his presence in my life.   He lets me know how much he needs and loves me always.   He has my back and never waivers in his devotion to me and allows my love and devotion to him exactly as it is.   He never asks me to be someone I'm not.   He shows me the best part of myself and I'm blessed and grateful every day that we have each other.

So how can I choose?  Torn between these incredible men?  It seems an impossible choice.... One that no one would ever be able to make.  And thankfully.....I don't have to.   I get to love them both.... have them both.... exactly as it is.  I don't have to limit anything or change my love for either.   How you ask?   Well it's simple..... they're my sons.... and I'm the luckiest woman alive to be their mom.