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Sunday, March 27, 2016

Holiday Road

Happy Easter!  It seems so strange to me that today is Easter.  Holidays are not what they used to be for me and I'm okay with that.  I threw the kids Easter baskets together last night and this morning and they were happy with them, as always.  I'm not sure if the difference is because they are older now, the magic is gone...the anticipation is non existent. Or, is the difference in me?  Or maybe a combination of both.  Since we moved away from family 11 years ago and even before if I'm being honest holidays were smaller.  I wanted to make traditions for my kids that didn't include running around like a chicken with my head cut off resulting in a stressed out cranky mommy.  When my older 2 were little I'm afraid they got a lot of that.  Trying to find the perfect clothes for the holiday, stressing because the matching shirts didn't come in the right sizes, no they wore that color last year in the picture with Santa or the Bunny--oy vey!  Then trying to cram my traditions into a very small window so that we could rush out to some relatives house to follow their tradition.  Not fun.  The kids would enjoy it....sometimes.....depending on the moods and the energy of whoever's home we were at.  Truthfully the only holiday I ever truly loved was Thanksgiving because I had it at my house every year.  Yes, it was a lot of prep and work, but I always knew what to expect. Once we moved from New York to Arizona I still dressed the kids up for a year or so, but then I realized it wasn't worth the trouble and they weren't comfortable the whole day.  That began my transformation into holiday chill.  Ahhhhh....guess what?  The world kept spinning and my kids were so much happier!  Then I began to stress less about the food.   Guess what?  same thing.  Until finally I let go of all the appearance stuff and went with what made us feel good.  No more waking them up and rushing them on a time schedule.  What's the point?  Where's the joy in that?   This is the first year that I let the younger 2 open their baskets without the oldest.  He's going to sleep half the day away and my younger son had to go to work.   The egg hunt will take place when he gets home from work.  Dinner?  Frozen lasagna---yes that's right, don't judge me ;)  We only have a small window and then we're heading to the movies to see something we've all been waiting to see and we are all together!  Isn't that what's it's about in the end?  Us being together?  Next year, my son has informed me he won't be home at Easter because his team will be playing Easter weekend (he'll be away at college).  There was a time that would have sent sheer panic through my veins.  I looked at him and said, "So?  We'll come to you!"  Who cares where we are?  Sometimes I do worry that my daughter will not have a sense of what a holiday "should" be.  But I know deep in my heart she will have the BEST memories of them, because we are all happy!  There is no stress, no anger, no resentment about doing something you don't want to do.  She won't have the memories of being crammed in a church pew with people who are only there because they are afraid of going to hell if they aren't.  God is part of EVERY single day in our home, not just holidays.  Besides, holidays are about being with the ones you love.  Not about trees or baskets or balloons or even cake.  It's about spending time with the ones who make life worth living.  And if you live your life right?  Every day is a holiday and a blessing....at least it is for me <3 p="">

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Finding the balance within myself

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see.  I've had so many come to Jesus moments in the past 8 years and I've always come out as a bigger, better  version of the person I was before it. I'm struggling at the moment with deciding when enough is enough.  When is it time to just embrace the flawed human being I see when I look in that mirror.  When do my feelings matter more than others needs and wants of me?  I struggle with this every day.  My greatest strength and weakness is wanting the people in my life to be happy....sometimes at my own expense.  I've never felt like my needs and feelings should come first.  However, with that being said, I've realized that sometimes I only think about my own feelings and I don't realize that others sometimes feel things just as strongly---see the quandary?  This is why I struggle.  Am I being too selfish or too selfless?  I feel like there are 2 people inside of me fighting each other.  Can I find the blend?  The best of both of them, therefore creating the best version of me?  Or should I just allow me to be me and those who love me, truly love me, will accept me for who I am and if someone can't then I guess that's important to know.

I appear to be a strong, confident, independent woman.  In some ways I am just that.  With the outside world, people who don't matter in my life yes....I am that person. I really don't care what others think of me in outside world, their opinions are not personal to me. To those that I love...especially in a romantic sense....I am a marshmallow.  I have no spine.  I lose myself in trying to please them.  When parts of my personality come out that they don't like or that frustrates them I try to change it.  Sometimes I'm successful and I become a better version of myself.  Sometimes I'm successful and I lose part of myself that maybe should have been embraced. How do I decide?  What about the parts of me that no matter how hard I try I can't overcome? When do I throw in the towel and just embrace the crazy and let the chips fall where they may? I try so hard to have peace in my life that sometimes it causes a tornado inside of myself.  Then it comes out in destructive ways sometimes, because I'm forcing myself to swallow things that I just can't seem to get down.  It's a form of self-sabotage, I suppose.  I don't know.  I do know that I'm tired. For some reason that I have not been able to figure out (except for a tiny incident when I was about 5 years old) I need to be first to someone.  I need someone to put me before everything else in their life-always.  I need that proof and I need it daily.  Sounds like a lot I know.  Sounds needy....I GET it.  But I cannot overcome this need.  I've been trying for YEARS to overcome it....because I've been disappointed time and time and time again because I've never been that to anyone.  Maybe it's unrealistic.  But guess what?  It's not!  Because I do it.  I do it all the time.  So, is it unfair to want this?  I'm trying still to get over this need.  I just can't do it.    This journey to self discovery and self work is a hard one.  And I know it never ends.  But right now?  I need a break from it.  I need to just allow myself to be me and give myself the love and devotion that I give those close to me.  And I need to realize that I may never receive that same devotion back from anyone other than myself.  And I need to be okay with that, I need to realize that not everyone needs or wants that kind of devotion.  I learned it the hard way with my oldest son.  Maybe it's time to take it easy on myself.  Maybe that's my newest lesson....