Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.  

When I see you smile, I can face the world, you know I can do anything....

 Trigger warning!  I'm an anti-masker, read at your own risk.

That's right.  I think the masks are a method to invoke fear and control over us.  I'm tired of being quiet.  This weekend was the end for me.

I have been going out without a mask for a few weeks now.  It started because it was truly emotionally affecting me when I would go out and see everyone thinking this was normal.  Everyone just complying, even though there really are no facts that this is helping. I was alone every time I went out without one, but this weekend I met a friend for brunch.  I was sitting outside the restaurant (maskless) waiting for my friend to arrive.  I found it pathetic that the other patrons waiting outside were wearing masks.  Even though in about 15 ft. they would be removing them to sit at a table....hmmm...ok.  My friend approached, maskless, we embraced and went inside to be seated.  I had used the app to put us on the line already, not sure why others didn't but ok.  My friend commented that I wasn't wearing a mask---nope.  She was so nervous to not be obeying the rules but she confessed that she told herself that if anything went down that I would handle it.  I laughed at that because I am not a confrontational person---at all.  However, I've had enough of this bs.  I told her that I had a mask in my purse and I would not cause a scene if asked to put it on (after all the workers would just be doing their jobs) however I wasn't going to do it without being asked to.  We sat down and proceeded to have an amazing 3 hour brunch.  I was so proud of her for getting up to use the restroom and not putting on her mask.  She felt empowered being with me and that is my goal.  My goal is to have other people who feel the same way as I do become brave enough to take back their face.
Today my daughter was with me.  We were going in to a store to get school supplies and she went to take her mask out of my purse.  I was like ummm no!  What are you doing?  She was almost in tears.  Mom, what's the big deal?  Please let me just wear it I don't want to make a scene.  I said I had no intention of making a scene.  If I was asked to put it on I would say ok and grab it out of my purse.  RELAX I told her.  We approached the entrance and she proceeded to point out the sign to me.  I said "What sign?  We are talking, I'm distracted -- I forgot."  with that my boss, like the angel he is, called me and I was talking to him as I entered.  We proceeded to get her supplies, pay and leave.  We got in the car and I said "see?  that wasn't so hard now was it?"   The next 3 places we went into she didn't flinch.  Have I done her a disservice by teaching her to just follow the rules?  It makes me wonder.
I talked to my niece over the weekend and she mentioned that she was concerned about handing her 7 month old over to her swimming instructor with a covered face and that the baby would think she wasn't supposed to be upset being handed to a stranger whose face she couldn't see.  WOW!  I had never even considered that!  The list just grows and grows.  This is NOT okay. 
My cousin has followed my lead and started the same thing.  It has to start somewhere people.  Is it ok with you that this is going to be the new normal?  That masks will be considered a fashion accessory?  Wow, people that are selling masks are hoping that it will become normal. 
I met with two inspectors and the HOA president the other day to give them access to one of our properties.  The inspectors had masks on, the president and I did not.  When they came out of the property I complimented the one inspector on his American Flag mask.  He said, "Yea, thanks--it's soaked"  Ok, so that is useful right?  NO!  And the people all over wearing them below their nose?  NO!  It's all garbage.  I actually had my cousin go CRAZY on my instagram post telling me to just wear the mask!  I'm smarter than that....I replied YES!  I AM smarter than that.  I'm smart enough to think for myself.  He continued to berate my choice in political candidate (assumed it) and where I live (Florida is crazy already we don't need people going around without masks).  I didn't engage.  I explained that I don't need to defend my beliefs to him or anyone else, and as someone who lives an alternative lifestyle I would expect the same respect from him-----
The fact that, according to what I'm seeing, this virus is so brilliant it knows not to attach itself to you when you are sitting at a restaurant eating, yet if you get up to use the restroom or leave---that's fair game.  Huh?  People can wear masks to riot, use public transportation, go to the grocery store and they're safe---however----don't go to a funeral, wedding, church or a family bbq or Heaven forbid VOTE in person---the virus targets those spots.  Cmon people!  Wake up!  If you don't see that this is just a form of control than I can't help you. 
I'm assuming if you're someone who believes in masks you haven't gotten this far---if you have let me tell you I'm not judging your choice to wear one, so don't judge mine for not.  If you don't believe in them and are following the rules because you don't want to make waves, I encourage you to attempt going maskless and see what happens.  If enough of us take back our choices maybe it will become the majority.  And not wearing a mask will become just another day in the life.  God Bless.....