Happy Anniversary! Its not the pale moon that excites me, thrills and delights me.....it's just the nearness of you! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN!

February 21, 1954

Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy!  68 years and you are able to celebrate together again.  It brings me such joy to know that.  You are both so missed, every single day.  I feel even safer and more at ease knowing you are both up there watching over us all.  I have told my children numerous times in the last nearly 2 months - I am not worried.  Yaya AND Poppa have it.  Just like when I was little.  

I want to thank you both once again, for being my foundation.  I am fortunate enough to have my children thanking me for the same things I have thanked you for over the years.  As you know, I did my best to instill the sense of family in them that you instilled in me.  I wanted them to feel safe and to know I would always have their backs like you always had ours.  I want to thank you for giving me that foundation.  Growing up I never worried about anything.  I knew you would always take care of anything and everything.  I miss that feeling on the physical level.  

It's funny, when we were planning Daddy's memorial I wanted everything the same as we did for yours mommy.  My siblings had to say, many times, "they are not one person". 

Ummm in my mind you were.  You were a unit.  I know (because as an adult my relationship with both of you was very different) that you were not always in perfect unison (that was a tough pill to swallow---my parents?  human?  the travesty! 😉)  However, I know how important it was to you both to have everything equal.  I guess that is where I got my obsession with fairness.  

When Daddy passed, my oldest child saw you both up there dancing.  He asked me if you guys used to dance.  Wow.  It was sad to me that he never got to see those days!  When you danced together it was magic.  DTM and Lu have had similar signs.  I know in my heart of hearts that you are both just so happy to be together again.  But I am not going to deny, it sucks.  Daddy I hear you SO clearly it is as if you are still here.  But you need to let mommy talk too you know, she had the floor for nearly 7 years and she's back to letting you take the wheel.💞  I still need to hear her too.

I know I have done many things that were hard for you to accept and understand---yet you never made me feel judged or like I disappointed you.  I remember when I said I was moving to Arizona, mommy said "Over my dead body!" and  I said "you don't live here, sorry you don't get a say".  And that

was the last I heard of it.  I am sure watching me make mistakes and decisions that you did not approve of were really difficult, yet you never made me feel unsupported.  Thank you for that.  I know first hand how difficult it is but you gave me an example to follow.  DTM called me the other day and needed me immediately.  I dropped everything and ran over (this is a rare occurrence, he is quite fiercely independent).  On the way home, after I took a breath I remembered calling you in Florida at 6 am from Long Island because I found a mouse half dead next to my stereo and I didn't know what to do. 😏  You responded "Tina, I'm 1300 miles away what do you want me to do?  Put a can over it until the landlord comes over"  I was so upset at the time.  It was the first time you could not fix it for me.  Looking back I realize it was probably hard on you as well.  

You two certainly were an amazing blueprint for what a marriage should be.  You never stopped holding hands.  You were there for one another first and foremost.  Nothing came above your marriage.  The sacrifices you made, I am sure, were not easy but you made them without anger, or resentment.  And now?  Now you rest in peace, and love....together (as it should be) for eternity.

Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy!  Salud!  Appletinis, Manhattans and shrimp cocktail for everyone!  I love you both----thank you for being the best there was!!!!  My God, how I miss you xoxoxoxo💔

it was NOT just a day in the life.  It is a day that began an amazing love story!

 

 

When you're weary....feeling small, when tears are in your eyes---I'll dry them all

 It is 7 years ago that I lost my mom.  I handled it much better than I have losing my dad.  It is not because I loved her less.  It is because when she passed I was worried about my dad.  I had intense things going on in my immediate family and God distracted me, I believe.  I thought I was a warrior.  Look at me.  Look how strong I am.  These people that are overcome with grief are weak.  Death is part of life.  Just move on.  To any that I thought that about, I apologize.  I did not understand.  I thought that because I did not see my mother all the time and hadn't in 30 years that it was easier for me.  I tricked myself into thinking that was it---I was used to not speaking/seeing my mother every day so I adjusted "so well".  Plus, I was still a bit upset with my mother when she passed, truth be told.  But in the years following her passing I would lose it at times, the grief would hit me like a sledgehammer out of the blue.  I was angry at myself---what is WRONG with you?  You are NOT weak!  You are NOT about this falling on the floor wracked with sobs that your son had to hold you and console you like a child!!  You are better than this!

Fast forward to losing my dad.  I STILL cannot think, type, speak it without the tears flowing.  It has been nearly 2 months and the pain is as fresh as the moment it happened.  I could not sleep the other night and I went on instagram and watched a video of my dad doing sega sega with my great niece.  I literally could not breathe. When my dad passed I said to my brother sobbing, "we're orphans" he replied swiftly- "we are NOT orphans!  we have each other." 💖.  I will never see my parents again.  Never. Well, I mean I will when I meet them in heaven (which pisses me off when people say that---"yes you will, you'll see them"---DUH!  Look who you're talking to!  I KNOW THAT!   I speak to them daily...I feel them and I see them.  It isn't the same!  I want them HERE!  I want them to see my daughter graduate...I want them to watch their great grandchildren grow...and be born....I want them at weddings and parties.  I want them to be here to hug me and bake with me and laugh with me.  I want them to guide my children with their wisdom.  I want them to tell me stories about their lives growing up. I want my dad to help me hang pictures on the wall, and let me bring him his lunch and a cup of tea to his favorite chair.   I want my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, or a banana sandwich or better yet a tomato sandwich (with the perfect amount of mayo and salt!) and call me Harriet! I want to see the way my mom would look at me, like I was the most amazing human being alive.  She did that you know....not when I was little, but when I was grown.  She admired me so much.....I miss that.  Having someone look at me with such love.  

Some days it is easy to pretend they are still here.  Like I said, I did not see or speak to them every day.  But then I realize they aren't and the wave hits me.  What I have learned is that some people treat you like you have a disease when you're grieving.  They avoid you.  They can't deal with the pain that is so raw in your eyes.  I get it.  Most people are not used to me being in a low energy place like this for long periods of time.  Oh well.  Sorry not sorry.  I cannot help it.  If I could, I would.  No one wants to feel like this. 

My children....my children...they have been incredible during this whole process.  My sons check on me daily (well....we normally check in with each other daily anyway, but I have been not myself-so it is different), my daughter is fiercely protective of me.  She insists on helping me set boundaries and to make sure I take care of myself.  I was a good daughter, but my children?  Make me look like the worst.  They are far more than any parent deserves.

So, it is in this time of mourning and grief that you realize---you realize who is truly there for you.  My family is very private in our grief.   We did not plaster it all over social media...we didn't send out huge announcements.  Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do, this is just how we deal with things.  So, the people that were told about my dad were important to us.  They were important to him.  So, imagine my surprise when there were so many that did not even reach out to say a simple "I'm sorry".  I know it's difficult to know the right thing to say in a time of grief and sorrow....but a simple I'm sorry is truly enough.  My cousin (who I do not speak to often) sent me the most beautiful, heartfelt message--so touching.  My other cousin in Vegas who was dealing with his beloved wife losing her battle with cancer at the time called and left me a heartfelt voicemail that brought me to tears....These are the messages and the people that I will treasure.  To say I am in shock about those who never even reached out to say "I'm sorry" is an understatement.  I do not think I will be able to get over that.  Grief is a strange thing.  It makes you different.  My reality is forever changed.   I am a forgiving person.  I have gone through a lot in my life that I have not shared with a lot of people.  So--I never expected people to know when I was at a low point or in pain because people aren't mind readers. However---knowing and not even attempting to console someone?  Speaks volumes about people's character in my opinion.

There are people that were there when my younger son had cancer that got a free pass for a lot of things because "oh they were so good when DTM had cancer though!"....when I got divorced it was not this tragic situation so no one needed to console or "be there" for me---however there were and are people that treated me like I had the plague because I got divorced!---I ignored it and got over it.  But this?  I don't think I will get over it.   I do not normally hold grudges.  I have forgiven people for far more. So, if you know me, and you see me, and I treat you differently?  Think about how you behaved when I lost my daddy---you might find your answer there.  Because...this....is not just a day in the life.

Conceal don't feel...Don't let them know---NO! Let it go!

 

Just this morning I had 3 separate conversations with 3 people I love very very much.  It hurt my heart.  These people are not ideally at the weight they would like to be at.  I have been there.  These people avoid photos...and maybe mirrors....and they wonder what other people think when they see them.  I have been there.  I have struggled with weight most of...no, ALL of my life.  I would have the best time at a party, or a dinner or just being and then I would see a photo of me and my entire mood would change.  THAT is what I look like?  Ugh.  I thought I looked good today! I tried every diet under the sun.  I would beat myself up for not being able to stick to anything. 

 I remember, I would get within 10 pounds of my goal weight and panic because OMG I have to do this forever???? And I would ultimately sabotage myself.  I reached my goal weight in 1990 probably.  I remember a particular wedding that I felt really good at.  I was wearing a size 7 and felt like a million bucks.  My now ex sister in law said to me "You are like an entirely different person when you feel good about yourself!  You are so much more fun!"  I remember being insulted (truth be told no matter what she said to me at that time I would have been insulted---I was in denial) and thinking NO!  That's not true.  (Was 1000 percent true!  And if I could I would thank her for that, because it stuck in my head and ultimately helped me connect the dots to my inner issues) .

 I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with my first blessing in 1993.  I gained 75 lbs. with that pregnancy.  But I felt beautiful, every minute.  I was creating another human being and I was glowing.  Fast forward to 2021 and I finally lost the remainder of that 75 lbs.  27 years and 2 more babies and I kept that extra 25 lbs. on my body.  Some years it bothered me, some years not so much.  In 2011 I began a journey to self love.  I began to realize it did not matter how anyone else saw me.  What mattered was how I saw myself.  

While I began to explore the reasons why I didn't fully accept myself for who I was a miraculous thing happened.  The weight came off.  I did nothing differently.  In fact, when I did diet/exercise nothing happened.  I could not even lose weight using the methods that have worked in the past.  I won't name them here, but they are ALL famous and they do work if you work them.  Not this time.  This 25 lbs would not budge.  In fact,  I gained another 10 at times. I was DETERMINED to be thin at my sons wedding in 2018---I was not.   I think I lost 10 lbs. during that year but it wasn't because I was trying----it was because I was diving deeply into ME.  Into what made me tick.  Why was I codependent? Why did no one ever put me first?  Why did I care how people perceived me?  Why did I need people to acknowledge that I had changed?  Why couldn't I accept that I was different and "weird"  and a "wacko" (that last one was my dad's favorite description of me.  No, he was not mean, or horrible.  He didn't understand this spiritual life changing journey I was on.) A lot of people couldn't and still can't. And that was ok, because God brought me people who could.  

In 2013 I started really opening up about the spiritual journey I was on.  I could hear the whispers behind my back.  I did not let it stop me.  Was it hard?  Ummmm damn straight.  I would see my family and know they thought I was-whatever they thought I was.  I stopped caring.  I love my family with all my heart but I am different.  I homeschooled my kids---I got divorced-----I moved across the country--- I am the black sheep, rebel in my family.  Do they love me?  Of course they do.  But I don't think they understand me.  And that is okay!  I let go of needing anyone to "get" me....or accept me....and as I did that----the scale numbers went down.  I accept me....I get me....and that is all that matters!  For me AND for you!  

I realized that our cells hold onto emotions.  I remember in 2011 I had a distance healing with this amazing woman in Ireland.  She told me certain pains in your body were a result of past trauma and wounds.  I had this persistent pain in my left hip (I did not tell her this) and she told me that a past betrayal (she described it and the year it happened in detail) was being stored in my hip.  As I released it---that pain disappeared and has not (knock on wood) returned.  This was miraculous to me!  It made me realize how amazing the human body is.  Also weight sometimes protects you.  If you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you avoid certain situations and those situations could be detrimental to you.  It was funny, because a lot of people say that their partners make them feel horrible when they are overweight.  They say cruel things, threaten to cheat---horrible, awful things.  I remember hearing them in the meetings I would go to for one of the programs I was on.  I remember saying - I would get bigger if my partner did that to me!  AHHHH I was onto something---some people would stay overweight as a method of control.  That weight was protecting them by making them realize that their partner was an ASSHOLE!  They needed to figure that out so they could change their lives.  My ex would try to sabotage my diets.  I think he was nervous that I would lose the weight and leave.  He never made me feel ugly or like something was wrong with me.  But I think that weight protected me from leaving before it was time.  And it's all about timing----Divine timing, not ours.  

It is also a process....this journey of self love.  Sometimes, we meet someone who makes us see ourselves in a way we have not before. They love us unconditionally and see our soul.  And when we see ourselves through their eyes we realize that is the person we want to be.  Sometimes that person is ourselves --- every journey is different.  But the most important thing to realize is WHO we are is SO much more than what we LOOK like.  The world has gone absolutely crazy with plastic surgery and botox and lift this and tuck this.  For the love of GOD do you not think God made you perfectly?!?!?!?

At the end of the day, the only person who is inside of your head is YOU.  And if YOU are not accepting and loving yourself EXACTLY as you are---then who is going to?  Learn to love the person and the body looking back at you in the mirror RIGHT now----as is....and watch everything in your world change!  After all, it is just a day in the life-----