Easy like Sunday mourning...

 

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that - I was literally up every hour 19 minutes past the hour) and I felt unnerved.  It is Sunday - the most perfect day of the week for me - so literally What the fuck?  I slept in (I need to not do that, it is NOT good for me) and felt like I had lost my best friend.  I did my usual, grabbed my coffee and went to start my morning routine.  I started with my journal because lately after doing my gratitude, time with God and prayer journal I have nothing to say in my journal because I feel so good.  So today I started backwards.  And out it flowed.  Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of losing my mom.  10 years - how?  It feels like yesterday, how have 10 years passed? It made me think of all that has happened since she left and then it all started flowing.  Losing her was so painful, but during that time the other part of my life ended and I believe that is what I am still grieving.  I hadn't thought about it before in that way.  My daughter and I always talk about the last decade being so painful and with so many changes and we firmly believe this next decade will be one of peace and happiness.  We have definitely earned it.  I think she has for sure.  When I look at life from her point of view the fact that she is as magical as she is shocks me.  But, you'll have to read her blog for that stuff - she is a gifted writer and not afraid to share her journey.  https://substack.com/@thechakrafairy

But this is about my grief and what I realized this morning I am grieving.  I am grieving my fairy tale, my happily ever after.  My dream of having that home with the welcoming front porch covered in grandchildren and my children close by.  Holidays and dinners with me in the kitchen with my loving husband as we exchange knowing glances as we watch the grandchildren play and our adult children playing a game at the table or simply watching something on TV and catching up on life and their views. This....this was my lifelong dream and it's one that I am realizing I need to let go of.  It's not in the cards for me - my first grandbaby is being born across the country this year, my oldest son is not in my life and that loving husband has never materialized.  And after writing in my gratitude journal about how grateful I am for the life I have I said I am always feeling like there should be more - and that other people have these grand dreams and plans and I don't.  I am quite content with my life and I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am - every single day.  I have things that a lot of people long for - I have faith, and peace and dare I say happiness these days.  But in order to fully embrace all the good in my life, I have to grieve what is left behind.  

As I wrote a letter to my mom this morning and I told her about all the things I have to be grateful for she reminded me of what I had lost on the way to this point.  That is where it all came out.  My dreams and goals from when I was a little girl were so very different than most people.  I achieved them, but they don't look the way I had hoped.  And that's okay - life rarely looks the way you thought it would, but that doesn't make if any less blessed.  It is also okay to mourn the life you thought you would have, just don't set up camp and stay there.  Because today is a beautiful day in the life.

No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....

 To say I am emotional today would be an understatement.  I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why.  I am not a nervous person at all.  I cannot shake it.  I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go.  But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.

I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it.  But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else?  No clue.  But here goes....

I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter.  He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her.  He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that.  He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad.  I fought back the tears and said "I sure did."  My dad was my hero.  He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me.  How fucking lucky am I?  To have had this man take care of me my entire life.  That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled.  Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes?  Maybe.  But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.

But.....that made me think of my daughter.  And that's when the tears truly fall.  She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post.  But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me.  Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them.  I know this.  But I had 2 parents that did that.  My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine.  She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband.  She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old.  Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way.  But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go.  She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him.  And she is happy.  She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told.  So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on.  Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky.  I don't know.  

I just feel like she deserves the world.  She has truly been the most perfect child since birth.  She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter.   When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom?  For people to compare her to me?  She is just that fabulous!  She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all.  In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has.  Some people just are incapable of any more.  And it is his loss for sure---

But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it?  And it hurts her deeply?  How will I fix that?  How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right?  I am not sure I will.  I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs.  Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.

Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl

Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...welcome to the final show!

 Today, my youngest child has her last day of high school.  Wow.  The end of an era.....the end of what feels like is my whole life and I am sure feels like it's been her whole life too.  She got picked up this morning, which made yesterday the last day I drove her and it was unbeknownst to me which was fabulous! .She got her cap and gown yesterday, but luckily I did not have too much time to get emotional because we had a dress disaster (note to anyone--do not order a dress with a pouf to go under a graduation gown unless you want to look like you are much larger than you are!

We have both been very busy and distracted these last few weeks.. She's been really enjoying her friends and activities and just really GOOD stuff.  But, she is my daughter through and through.  Last night as we had dinner and caught up on life she said that she was really drained.  It is catching up with her, all this social stuff.  We are definitely the same in that we need down time alone in order to recharge.  I think Monday it will possibly hit her--but I do not know.  This little girl whoops, this young woman has been through so much in her 18 years on this planet and she handles it all like a boss, I am not sure how it will affect her.  I just see a lot more emotion lately so I have to think it's all boiling up under the surface.  She thanked me on Monday for always showing her strength and how to handle things like a "bad ass bitch"--- it's funny, I feel like I have shown my kids my weakness more times than I can count---they have seen me at my worst, where I am crying so hard I cannot breathe.  But I guess, when it matters....when life really knocks me down, all they see is that I get up again and hold my head up and do what needs to be done.  And they follow suit.  I guess, that's what matters right?

I do not remember making a fuss over my son's last day of school---I guess it did not occur to me because I was excited for their next phase of life.  I knew it was not an ending but a beautiful exciting beginning. Also, they never seemed to make a big deal out of stuff like that.  For my daughter this is all a very big deal.  She told me her brother (cream filling) texted her this morning about it---she was really happy about that.  Normally, my daughter does not care about milestones or getting attention or recognition, so it's a really hard thing to know when she wants a fuss and when she does not.  But I know this is a huge event for her.  I hope I did not miss the boat with my sons, but hey, I am sure they would have mentioned it by now 😉  It is just that as my daughter ends this part of life, I am ending it with her.  And like many of her friends have confessed to me, they don't know what the next chapter looks like and they're scared.  Me too sweetie, me too. But it will all work out.  Maybe not how you thought, maybe not how you planned, but it will

She received the gold honors cord, my baby girl.  This kid missed more school than is legal.   But she always handed in her assignments and took pride in her work. Throughout these last four years alone she has dealt with moving, missing school to travel and be a bridesmaid in three weddings, cheer competitions, illness/turmoil in our immediate family, people she loves letting her down, a pandemic, rushing down several times to take care of her grandfather and ultimately the death of her grandfather-that is a lot for a high schooler to handle.   I know on Wednesday as I see her cross that stage I will feel that feeling of pride....that feeling of love swell in my chest.  The feeling of gratitude that God gave me this precious human being to raise and to love---and she is miraculous. I am so blessed to be the keeper of her secrets, her guidance system, her go to person.  I am sad that my extended family will not be at this graduation.  She was only given a limited number of tickets and she did not want to choose.  My oldest son will not be there as things are rocky with him right now.  I have always felt my daughter got the short end of the stick in so many ways.....this is no different.  She deserves a parade!  But instead, she'll get a moving truck and yet another goodbye as her brother moves back to Arizona.  She will get a time of uncertainty as we figure out what our next move is.  I know that this girl is tough as nails.  She rolls with the punches and finds the blessings in every situation.  She is grateful for the little things.  And I know that God is going to bless her with a magnificent future with more than she could ever imagine.  He will send her a husband who loves and adores her, and beautiful, healthy children and she will be the center of their world.  She will have a career that she loves until the time comes for her to focus on that beautiful family.  Because that is what she dreams of and she deserves nothing less. 

So, as I prepare to watch her embark on this next chapter I will continue to pray, and hold her close and cherish every moment with this beautiful human being and realize that in the grand scheme of things....it's just a day in the life.