L is for the way you look at me....O is for the only one I see, V is very very---extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can LOVE

 

Valentines day......not one of my favorite days in the year.  In FACT - I am not a fan AT ALL.  9 years ago today I said goodbye to my mom for the last time.  In fact as I sat at the table this morning, the very table I held her hand at and said goodbye and I just felt sad.  I miss her.  So much.  I lied to her that morning.  It was a lie of love - I was protecting her from things that she couldn't know about.  Even the fact that I had put past issues behind me -  I smiled and said I forgave her.  I lied.  I would not forgive her fully until my dad passed away almost 7 years later.  But what good would it have done for her to know?  It would not have helped either one of us.  However - I am NOT a liar!  I do not lie.  And I don't appreciate people who do.  So this really still doesn't sit well with me.  I have apologized to her and she knows....she knows how much I love(d) her and I didn't want her to hurt any more than she already did.  But I wish I had 5 more minutes to hold her hand and look her in the eye and say those words again and mean them.  I love you, and I forgive you!

This brings me to today's post.  Love.  Truth.  Forgiveness.  So many people don't feel or express those three things the way they should---the way they would if they knew their time on earth with someone was not guaranteed.  And what is up with all the big gestures on Valentines day?  What about a regular Monday in June?  Tuesday in March?  Why do people save these things for a "special occasion" - if you are lucky enough to feel love for someone - say it!  Shout it from the rooftops.  You are blessed and so are they.  Who doesn't want to feel loved?  And not because someone has to, because they can't help but feel it.  Maybe because some people weaponize love---use it to manipulate someone?  Get them to follow along?  Who knows why people don't express it easily or freely, but they should.  

So many people these days say they never heard I love you as a child.  Honestly?  I don't remember if my parents said it often, but I knew they did.  I felt it deep inside, I felt safe and loved whether they said it or not.  I know as an adult they said it - all the time so I am assuming they said it when I was little.  I don't believe it is a word that should be thrown around like it's meaningless either. So--how do you know when it's real or just a word?  I would assume it's like when I was a child.....you just feel it.

What about forgiveness?  So many people say they forgive someone but yet they keep things in their back pocket just in case...that's not true forgiveness.  When you forgive someone you need to start with a clean slate and trust and believe they will not do whatever it is again.  Or that they truly didn't mean to hurt you.  And if you are lucky enough to receive true forgiveness you need to do the same - pay it forward.

My daddy made Valentines day so special for me and my sister and my mom.  But he also remembered to bring my mom flowers every month on the 21st which was their anniversary.  And she remembered to show him love every Thursday as they celebrated the beginning of their weekends in the later years.  Maybe that is why I believe in love and I believe you should show it and say it when you feel it.  Because I had such an amazing example growing up, not everyone did.  But you can change that today---you can be that example to others.  And I am going to believe that my mom knows that although I lied that day when I said goodbye that I love her more than she could ever know and I forgive her with my whole heart.

And honestly?  Today is just another day in the life after all.

They say it's your birthday......Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Daddy....

 

Happy 92nd Birthday Poppa....your first one in heaven.  You are most likely so happy to be surrounded by all of those you've missed for so many years on your birthday.  It is your first birthday with your mom in more years than you can count.  Funny because this year will be the first one that I do not spend with DTM....the circle of life, huh daddy?  You used to talk about that all the time.  The quotes you used, your pearls of wisdom....they stay with me.  They are a part of who I am.  I hear your voice and your words every single day.  "Where you are, I once was" -  that's been a big one lately.  I miss you.  So much.  I know we all do.  

I found a disk of photos that you had taken over the years.  I downloaded them on my computer and it is so cool to see your perspective on what was important to capture.  It was also pretty funny that every picture I took of you and you took of me, we were making faces at each other....I guess I only remember our long talks over coffee, or after dinner.  I forget the goofy stuff.  That's why I miss the days of cameras instead of cell phones for picture taking.  

The baby graduated last week Pop.  It was the first and only one you missed.  DTM was quick to say that you and mommy were both together and there for it.  I am not gonna lie, I felt the empty seat.  I always feel the absence of your presence.  Even when you were grouchy and I could tell you missed the quiet of your own place, it was a blessing to have you there.  

Everything is changing Daddy.  I know you would say that's life.  Which I would then turn to mommy so she would comfort and baby me lol.  But you are right....it is life.  And sometimes dad?  It sucks.  How come you never showed me that?  How come you and mommy made it seem SO easy?  I can hear you laughing at me.  Shaking your head and saying "Ah baby, if only you knew."  I think about all the birthdays growing up that you made so special.  I always felt like a princess on my birthday.  And your birthdays....you shaking boxes and guessing what was in it---used to piss us off so much!  😁  And now?  What a party there is in Heaven today!  Strawberry shortcake, mommy's potato salad---I can see it now.  It makes my heart smile.  You deserve it daddy!  But what I would not give to run down the street and meet you at the corner and hang out the car window while you drove home.  I miss you.

We will celebrate you today.  I think I will have a manhattan instead of an appletini to switch things up.  I miss you.  Remember how you used to tell me to use my "poison pen" when I had something to say?  I am losing my gift daddy---the words are just not coming.   My get up and go just got up and went (as mommy always said).  I am hoping time truly does heal all wounds---you wouldn't lie to me wouldja daddy?  Because I will remind you when we meet again.  I will have a list, because I am your daughter.

I am sorry I am not full of eloquence and all these incredible snippets that you looked forward to in the past.  I'm not gonna lie Poppa....I haven't been myself since you left.  I think you took a part of me with you----can you send it back please?  I kinda miss her.  But I am stronger than I used to be---I will give you that.  I am your daughter. And you raised me to do whatever it takes no matter what, right?  Right.  So here we go daddy---the next phase of life.  Stay close please...because I always need my daddy.

Happy Birthday Poppa!  You are loved and missed more than you know.  I hope it is truly the best one ever and not just a day in the life xoxoxo 

You're the end of the rainbow...my pot of gold, you're daddy's little girl to have and to hold

 

I lost my father on December 23rd, 2021.  We laid him to rest this past weekend.  I can type those words over and over again and they will never seem real.  My father was 91 years old.  Praise God he was a healthy man who did not stop working until January of his last year. He lived a good life.  He touched many lives.  He lit up a room. His love for my mother was immeasurable. These were all things that were said about him in the last few weeks since his passing.  They are all true. But what struck me most this past weekend was the legacy he leaves behind in his grandchildren.  There are seven of them.  Anthony, Jessica, Richie, Katey, Danny, Nicholas and Emily.  Those 7 human beings---they represent how my father will be immortalized.  And what an INCREDIBLE legacy that is.

In the beginning of October we got the news that my dad had a mass on his pancreas.  My brother and sister and I had a phone call about how to best present the news to my dad.  My brother was the one to have the conversation and my dad chose to not have any further testing or treatment.  We accepted his decision.  He was planning to spend a few months up north for the holidays anyway, so we moved up the date.  You know what?  I am going to spare you the details of the next 3 months and just discuss my daddy and the reason we are ALL so destroyed by his passing, even though clearly this news had us all knowing the outcome and that it would most likely be swift.

Growing up, my dad was not a warm, fuzzy man.  He didn't allow us to be weak or tolerate anything but our best.  If I received a B on a test he wanted to know why it wasn't an A.  He knew my potential and would not accept anything less.  I did not resent it, I embraced it.  I always wanted my dad to be proud of me.  During the luncheon following his memorial this weekend we were discussing how we were disciplined as children.  Of course most of the males in attendance remember having the belt used on them - my brother included.  Someone asked me if I was ever hit/spanked.  I said no.  (that's a lie, he spanked me once and my mother ended that immediately lol)  My brother in law scoffed at that - oh that's right you were perfect!  Not in the slightest.  However, the thought of disappointing my father kept me from disrespecting him or doing anything that would cause that reaction from him.  I often wonder why and how he had that "power" over me.  He earned it.  

On Christmas day (2 days after his passing) I had an uncontrollable melt down while getting ready to go to Christmas dinner.  I said to myself, I cannot do this.  I am not going, surely they will understand?!  I heard my dad say "You are going!  You made a commitment and you will stick to it!"   I went.  I told my son what happened he chuckled and said "That's EXACTLY what Pop would have said!" 

 His demeanor and his presence had such an impact on his grandchildren.  The 7 of them have (as my siblings and I do) a work ethic that is bar none.  While I made the trip to Long Island this weekend to lay him to rest I was quite simply a mess.  I have cried more in the past 3 months than I think I have in the last 15 years.  The grief hits me like a sledgehammer.  I have been shopping and tears just silently flow down my face.  I have been driving and had to pull over because the sobs overcome me.  I was convinced that after this weekend I would have some sort of "closure" and it would lessen---not the case.  My children have been feeling the same.  My oldest and youngest do not always show their emotions but the amount of tears I have watched them shed for their Poppa are immeasurable.  I knew my cream filling son was going to take it hard.  He was the closest to my dad.  He has been calling him since he was 8 years old on his own.  He would take trips down to see him and spend weekends there.  I was expecting this to be hard on him, but I don't think I expected it to hit the other two this hard. But it shows the impact both of my parents had on their lives.

I am not going to lie, I do not even really know how they reacted during the Mass honoring his life, because I was trying not to scream out with the utter anguish that was inside of me.  My middlest said last night that he looked over and kept seeing me shaking my head violently on my lap.  Because I kept saying NO!  I will NOT accept THIS!  He's not gone.  And that was the only way I could stop myself from screaming it.

My Godson, the oldest grandchild, gave a beautiful, emotional Eulogy for my dad.  My cream filling son gave the first reading, my brother's oldest daughter did the second, my sister's son and brother's youngest daughter did the last one.  All 7 of them walked up together and presented the gifts to the priest.  That was the most beautiful tribute to their grandparents ever.  I will hold that vision in my head for the rest of my days.  That is what my father wanted.  That is what he preached to us our whole lives---Family First!  And my sister, brother and I have done him proud with the way we have raised our children.  He did not always agree with our parenting styles --- but the end product was the same.  7 INCREDIBLE, respectful, loving, hard working, intelligent, good looking (if I do say so myself 😉 individuals.

My daughter is devastated that she is the only one he will not see graduate.  But she is carrying on his legacy by going to cosmetology  school (my dad was a barber).  He commented often that he was so happy and so proud that someone was going to carry on that tradition and legacy.  And I know he and my mom will be there as she turns her tassel in May.  Maybe not in a seat like the others, but in all of our hearts and in spirit.

What struck me so hard is that I will never again hear him say "I'm proud of you Angel"....I cannot breathe at the thought of it.  He did not say that a lot when I was a child, but he made up for it once I became a mother.  He often told me how much he admired the type of mother I was.  Then when I rejoined the workforce at nearly 50 years old he would tell me all the time how proud he was of me.  He was the only person in my life that I KNEW would be there for me 24/7/365 and he is gone.  He's gone......how on earth will I survive the rest of my life without him?  I do not know.  But I know I will, because he raised me to be that way.  And he raised me to never give up and never say never.  I will continue to do my very best to live up the standards he set for me....and my last words to him (in person) were "Thank you for being my daddy, I love you"----how lucky am I that I got to tell him that?  How lucky am I that I had a dad that left such a hole in the lives of those who loved him.....  

Very lucky indeed.....Arrivederci poppa----give mommy a big hug and now both of you will keep us safe and watched over.  I love you.   Thanks for being my daddy 💓