May the good Lord be with you down every road you roam...

 

I was fortunate enough to have my son in town last week for a few days. Once again as I waited at the gate for him and my daughter in law to emerge I was brought back to so many memories.  Even though they were renting a car there was no way in hell that I would not be waiting for them at that gate.  It has been 7 months since I have seen him.  I remembered my parents waiting at that very same gate dozens of times to greet us when we arrived to visit.  It felt truly surreal.  As soon as I saw him I lost my mind.  I held onto him like I hadn't seen him in years and as if I didn't communicate with him almost daily.   I guess I block the feeling of missing him until he's right in front of me.

As we made our way down to baggage claim and I stood back while they handled their rental car it struck me (as it always does)....he's a man.  He's married and lives a life that I am no longer truly a part of.  While he shares a lot with me and I am grateful he does, I am no longer a key player in this life he lives.  When did that happen?  I suppose as a parent God makes these changes slowly so that we don't notice it and it doesn't sting quite so badly.  But every once in a while -BAM it hits.  This was such a time.  I have never wanted to keep my children little.  I loved every moment (well almost -the 4s were NOT my favorite 😉) and I devoted my life to raising them.  So I didn't miss a moment truth be told, so I always looked at them at whatever age they were and never compared them to the little person they once were.  Until this week.  I watched him navigate a new job, heard him on meetings being introduced to team members and I (as I always am) was stunned at how professional and mature and capable he is.  But that little boy kept popping into my head.  Sometimes it was something he said that reminded me of that magnetic tot.  And my heart ached.  It ached for that time when I was his whole world (except for baseball - I think baseball always took top spot 😅). This is why mother in laws get a bad rap.  Because they can't get over that feeling of loss.

Thankfully, I know he is in good hands.  His wife loves

him and definitely takes very good care of him.  He also still keeps in touch with me frequently and doesn't push that off to his wife.  But this is something no one teaches a mother of sons-that they become men.  And as a woman, I don't always understand his logic and thinking.  Watching my daughter grow up is like watching a new and improved version of me.  The closeness we share is that of almost sisters.  I don't ever wonder - am I overstepping?  Should I say that to her?  Is she going to think I am criticizing her?  I just say whatever it is and it's easy.  With a son, they become men and look at moms differently, they think differently.  They hopefully know that you're proud of them but it's just different.  There is a hidden boundary that cannot be crossed I feel.  It's a respect thing maybe?  I need to respect that he is a man and will do things his own way and doesn't necessarily want my opinion or thoughts.  So, when I am asked I give them, if I am not I keep it to myself.  

It feels weird honestly.  And I never really thought about it before.  But I remember my mother would be very careful what she said to my brother as opposed to what she would say to my sister or me.  I thought she was being ridiculous - that's your son!  I remember her crying because she got a card from my brother that he signed himself and wrote love before his name.  But I get it now, I do.  
And my ex mother in law.  I always felt like she was so good, never interfered.  Now I realize she was trying to be a good mother in law (she was!). I wish I had understood back then just how hard it was for her to lose that connection with her son.  But it is just the circle of life.  It reminds me of that wedding song "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home".   I understand it so well now.  It is the necessary process for growth.  And I am ok with it most of the time.  Like I said, I have never thought about it before last week.

So, for all you daughter in laws out there (I was one of them) be sympathetic when your mother in law does something that pisses you off.  Remember, she gave you one of her most loved and cherished gifts to share your life with.  I remember I made a cross stitch for my mother in law with a poem that she hung in her family room,  it said this ..

Now did I feel all of that?  When I made it I did....not so much most of the time truth be told.  I wanted so badly to be a good daughter in law. I tried so hard to make them comfortable in my home, made their favorite foods, had her favorite wine.  But she had daughters, and I had a mom so we never truly connected.  I wish I had known then what I know now--I would have been more patient and kind with her shortcomings.  Because, let's face it - we ALL have them.  And for all you mother in laws out there---back off.  Your daughter in law is doing the very best she can and your son is not a saint.  She's navigating marriage and should not have to navigate the minefield that is the family dynamic.  And whether you like it or not - she knows your son better than you do!  You know the little boy/young adult he was - she is living with him as a man.  They are different individuals.  And if you have any hope of getting to know that man that he becomes, you need to befriend your daughter in law

and also get to know the man that is now your son.  Accept his choices and personality and everything that comes along with that.

I have always tried to just make my children's lives easier.  I have not put demands on them when it comes to spending time with me or holidays or any of that.   I remember how stressful life can be when you're navigating adulthood and who are we kidding?  LIFE!  It's not easy.  And my job, as their mother is to support them and if that means taking a back seat then that's where I will be.  How lucky am I to have been there since they took their first breath and have the memories of those sticky little fingers and toddler arms wrapped around my neck.  I raised in love a little boy and now he is a man.  A man that I am so very very proud of.  A man that makes tough decisions and stands by them, good or bad.  A man that is not afraid to take chances and who is sought after in his field.

These are the things we need to focus on.  Not the past and what no longer is but the

future and how lucky we are to have gotten this far!  If we did it right our children will still want us to be part of their lives.  We will get to see them do things we wish we had done....or help them pick up the pieces when they make the same mistakes we did.  I remember people saying that I needed to have a daughter, sons leave you blah blah blah.  Guess what?  Having a daughter doesn't necessarily mean they stay.....some mother and daughter relationships are a disaster!  But I do agree that raising a son and raising a daughter are completely different, however I would not trade the experience of both for anything in the world.  And when the time comes that my daughter has a mother in law I hope she remembers that her husband is still that mom's little boy.  And I hope her mother in law respects the fact that my daughter is his future and doesn't overstep.  

So, what I learned this week was that you can't go back.  Looking at my son as the child he once was only hurts my heart and I don't want to go there.  I will do my best to not get my feelings hurt while he is living his life (as he should) that doesn't really include me anymore.  And I will look at him as a man I am so very very proud of, I will be excited when he sends me videos of when he plays softball.  I will cherish every text and phone call and every "Hey mom---can I get your opinion on this?" and be grateful.  Grateful for the role I played in his childhood and the role I will play in his life going forward, whatever that looks like.  And if you're really lucky - moms of sons - you get a best friend for life and if you're extra lucky - one who makes literally the best espresso martinis in the world and you get to toast them and the future they are creating.  Because spending time with my "boy", is never just a day in the life.

And I'm still trying to understand how a boy became a man

If you've been following me for any length of time you know that I'm a bit obsessed with my sons.  I have had different relationships with both of them.  They are 4 years apart and I always thought they were basically as different as night and day.  They do have their differences but right now....in this moment, they have more similarities than differences.  I was in a really bad place today.  I did something to my back and I've been in a lot of pain and not really able to do anything today.  I spoke to my younger son first this morning and after convincing him that I was really fine and didn't need him to send me food or anything else we had our normal conversation.  This evening I spoke to my first born and it struck me once again how blessed I am to have these men in my life.  Excuse me while I wipe the tears away as I type this.  The relationship that I have with my boys is so precious to me I really don't think anyone understands.  Especially as they begin to share with me the things they feel they have learned/gotten from me.  My younger son and I have not had that period of our relationship where he doesn't like me.  Where he has that "wow my mother is ...fill in the blank with the negative phrase"  Yes, we have had moments but not huge periods of time.  My oldest and I have had a very rough nearly 10 years (wow...last I checked it was 5---that escalated quickly!).  Since he turned 17 our relationship really changed. He blamed me for basically everything in his life that was wrong---well it was not pleasant, it was horrible to be honest.  We even went through a period of estrangement that lasted 8 months.  At that point I never thought we would be where we are now.  During our conversation today we touched on things that we have been working through during this period of global reset.  It struck me that the three of us are all going through similar periods of clearing, healing and growth.  We discussed things that we have been mulling over and I was relaying a huge time when I had to release things when I was close to his age.  He (in his wisdom) said, "Ma, I'm pretty sure they were threatened by you.  Which is really funny to me, because it's kinda like being threatened by Winnie the Pooh.  Like, Winnie the Pooh walks up and they're like "did you see how he said "oh bother"????    To some that might not make sense or even matter.  But to me????  It struck me in the heart twofold....1.  I decorated his nursery in Winnie the Pooh---I love Winnie the Pooh----and he has never ever mentioned Winnie the Pooh.  2.  Him saying this means he sees me through my heart and my kindness---which hasn't always been the case.  It melted me, honestly.  He told me today that he credits me with his positive side, whenever he is able to be positive and happy in the midst of chaos or negativity, he says "I get that from my mom."....if he only knew how much that means to me.  He also told me that I am the "time to buckle down and do it, even if you don't want to and it sucks" person.  He talked about stuff he did today that he REALLY didn't want to but he forced himself to because it had to be done.  It's nice for him to be giving me credit for the positive aspects of his personality.  Now if I could only get him to pray and turn to God I think his entire life would turn around.....I'm not giving up on that!

My younger son and I ---well the God part is huge with us.  We look at things the same way nearly all the time.  Our conversations are similar to the one I just relayed with my oldest, but I've come to expect that from our talks. He and I discuss our emotions much more than the average person. We have always had similar attitudes about things, but today it really hit me once again how very blessed I am to have raised these men.   They are proof to me that not all men are stoic or emotionless.  Not all men are stubborn or too prideful to admit their true vulnerabilities.  Maybe they're not like that with everyone, true.  But they are like that with the people that matter to them---the people they love and trust.  They are so compassionate with me, and their sister.

They both always ask how I am and truly take the time to listen.  They're my closest confidants.  I miss their physical presence so much during this quarantine.  I miss their handsome faces and their amazing hugs.  I miss their smiles and just absorbing their energy.  I miss the way they smell.  It brings me back to the days when they were little and how every minute of my day was spent taking care of their needs, including their education.  I see all these parents complaining about having their kids home and having to home school and I just feel jealous.  I would give anything to go back to that time again, knowing what I know now.  Knowing they would turn into these incredible men and that they would still love me with all their hearts and we would be friends.  I understand a lot of these parents are working from home and don't have the time to devote that I did, but still.  To be able to build Legos again and play dough and paint and build forts---even for just a day.  To remember their smells and wipe those tiny little hands after they eat.  To see those bedhead faces and smiles when they came downstairs in the morning.  Dancing in the kitchen to our favorite songs.  I'm missing that so much during this time.  It sucks that because they had to grow up, so did I.

Right now, I feel like we're growing together.  I am open about my feelings of being lost at this time in life.  Not knowing what's next for me and being confused about the whole thing.  We help each other navigate the whole thing, this thing we call life.  God willing we will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I love watching them become the men I knew they could be...and I thank God every single day for the gift of their presence in my life.  Most women pray for a man like their daddy----I am praying for a man like my sons.  One who will be open and honest about their feelings and own up to their mistakes and shortcomings.  One who doesn't have it all figured out and is okay admitting that and accepting help along the way.  And most importantly, one who sees the good in me, who knows my heart and accepts me exactly as I am, because after all......it's just a day in the life.

Watching boys become men.....

My sons are the loves of my life.  Don't get me wrong I ADORE my daughter but my boys...well they are my boys.

When they were little I spent practically every waking moment with them.  I think I lived my life in a bubble.  I never thought about what they'd be like when they were adults, I just relished in their childhood and their presence no matter what age they were.  Thinking about the future for me back then entailed the current year we were in.  I never thought about them growing up and not needing me every second.  When they would drive, or work or date or grow up and leave our home.  So, each milestone hit me like a ton of bricks once they reached high school age.  When my oldest left for college I thought I would have to be committed.  I was devastated.  But, it became the new normal and we all adjusted.  It became the next stage of life.  And it was all OK.  He came home this year and decided not to go back to school, another adjustment---we did it, all of us.  It's again the new normal. Then my younger son got his license and that was it---I never see him.  Now, he's working---the nights that we can have family dinner are dwindling down to maybe 1 a week.  It's OK, I adjusted it's a new normal.  Yesterday he said to me, "Wow, mom I haven't been alone with you in the car in forever!"  It was nice to chat with him in depth without interruption.  I had the same thing with my oldest this week a few times, things I used to take for granted, just talking to my boys is now a cherished happening.  It's nice to know they cherish it too.  I'm blessed.  Most kids their age take their parents for granted and don't really WANT to spend any time with them.  That's how I was at that age.  Which leads me to my thoughts today.....

Most parents want certain things from and for their kids.  I always ALWAYS only wanted them to be happy.  Do I relish when they succeed?  Absolutely!  I love when their grades are high and they are given an award, do well during a baseball game---all of that.  But that's my ego, not my heart.  My heart---it just wants them to be happy.  I realize that most of my childhood and most people I know are superficial.  It's all about how it looks to people. The status of their jobs, their cars, their bank accounts.   I don't give a shit about any of that anymore.  I get annoyed when I talk to those who are in that mindset---actually, I think I've cut out pretty much everyone who does for the most part.  Maybe occasionally interacting on Face book, that's about all I can handle.  Life is so much more than that!

I had a conversation with my oldest yesterday about how people take their jobs so seriously it's ridiculous.  Unless you are saving lives, really?  Does your job mean THAT much?  People put their entire worth into what they do for a living.  It's sad to me.  You are supposed to work to live not live to work.  Life is about relationships and family and food and fun and enjoying---not the bottom line!  However, with that being said, my family has an amazing work ethic.  We do the best at whatever we are given to do.  I am proud of that.  My nieces, nephews, siblings and my own children all have that ethic.  My parents are amazing role models in this behavior.  No matter what task they undertook they did it to the best of their ability (which, not gonna lie, is better than most people's abilities, just sayin').

I have always babied my kids.  I did everything for them.  Never asking them to so much as empty the garbage when they were younger.  Never made their beds, put laundry away, did dishes, hell didn't even prepare their own breakfast until they were like 14.  When my oldest went off to school he accused me of making him unable to care for himself.  Wow-slap in the face---but he had a point!  So, with that I started making them do certain things for themselves.  It made me worry that I had raised spoiled, inept human beings who had a sense of entitlement.  Crap.  That would suck. Then my oldest got a job---that kid busted his ass every day in 115 degree heat with rarely a complaint.  Never called in, never left early, never took a day off.  Thank God, he has it!  He has the work ethic.  Do whatever you do to the best of your ability.  He told me the other day that when he's put in charge at work he's very fair.  He even gave me credit for teaching him how to be fair, that was a nice plus :)

Now his younger brother has joined the work force.   He's got the same attitude.  He didn't love not getting home until midnight the other night when he was supposed to be finished at 9 and had to leave the house at 8 am for baseball.  But he did it.  Kept a positive attitude about it.  He makes me so proud!  These boys were raised in an environment that depicted work as something to complain about....something to hate....to make you miserable, but something that had to be done and in effect defined who you were.  I'm so glad they didn't take any of that into their personalities.  I'm so happy that their genetics won out where that was concerned.  My dad is a HUGE role model for my boys.  They take their cues from him and they couldn't ask for a better example.  I'd like to think that my influence has given them the ability to see what's important in life and how to find balance.   I love that they look forward to time spent together as a family at this stage in their lives.

Being in this phase of life, with my boys branching off and starting their own lives and my role in those lives being reduced to a supporting cast member, it's hard to remember what it was like when we spent 24/7 together and life was just us and the only outside influence was when and who I chose.  This just seems normal and right.  I truly thought when I got to this stage I'd be devastated and living in the past and melancholy---but I'm happy and excited to see what this stage brings.  Just like every other stage with my kids---I never rushed it, just enjoyed it and learned from it.  After all----it's just a day in the life <3