I can take myself dancing and I can hold my own hand

 You know that feeling when you know that your mere existence is pissing someone off?  What do you do in that situation?  Me?  I remove myself from the person and the situation.  I have spent decades blaming myself, analyzing my behavior and burying the pain and heartache that this causes.  I have adjusted my behavior, kept my opinions to myself and tried being supportive when sometimes all I wanted to do was say what I felt.  But that has gotten me into way too much trouble in the past, so I zip my lips.  I have spent most of my adult life giving all I had to the ones I love.  I know no other way.  But then, maybe the people I love don't love me the same way.  Maybe my existence is an irritant to them, and they wish I would just disappear.  Ok.  wish granted.  

In the past few months, I have been shown that there are people who actually want me in their life.  They want to spend time with me, come visit me, take trips with me - so I am allowing it.   I have decided that if there is someone that makes the effort to show me that they want to spend time with me than I am going to entertain that regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.  It's my time.  It is time for me to do what I want to do no matter how anyone else feels.

I realized that I ask very little, if anything, from the people I love, and many

of them give me pretty much just that.  My expectations and requests for myself have taught people that they can treat me like I am expendable.  Whose fault is that?  Mine I suppose, for thinking that people valued me the way I value them.  Most of my life my love language was words of affirmation.  And that's what it took to reel me in - words.  Well as the saying goes, talk is cheap!  Lately I have been shown that actions speak WAY louder than words and my new language is quality time and acts of service.  Not service in a way of doing things so I don't have to- it is looking at me and thinking - what can I do to ease any stress she has?  Without me asking - I do not ask because I don't NEED anyone to do things for me, but it is really nice when someone does something just because it might make me smile. Just because they were thinking about me. Just because sometimes I am carrying heavy things alone.  Just because sometimes I am quietly suffering and still do whatever I can to make someone else's day brighter.

I realized a long time ago that expectations are just disappointment waiting to happen, so I don't expect anything from anyone.  However, I am no longer available to meet other people's expectations (spoken or unspoken) without some type of reciprocity.  I have feelings and I am not someone who deserves to be treated like I am expendable and I will not accept that any longer.  I have people in my life who are showing me that I matter and that is where I am leaning towards.  And I am excited to see tomorrow is not just a day in the life!

Because you matter to me, I promise you do, you see?

At one time in my life, I had 21 nieces and nephews.  I took great pride in being an aunt.  Before I became a mom, being an aunt defined me. When I got divorced (even before then) I lost 14 of those nieces and nephews.  I remained close to my niece and two nephews who lived in Arizona, but the rest wrote me off like I never existed.  All those years of playing barbies with them, letting them do my hair, baking them cakes for celebrations, my "famous" pasta salad that they requested all the time, dance recitals, sleepovers at my house, being their confidants when they couldn't tell their mom something - all forgotten.  I was erased with a signature on a divorce paper.  I never really thought about it over the years.  It was best to have that clean break, I have mentioned in previous blogs I was never really accepted into my in laws circle.  But my nieces and nephews - they accepted me completely - and if I am being honest, probably part of the reason why their mothers did not.  Over the years since my divorce, I remained in contact with my niece and 2 nephews from Arizona.  The boys joined the Army, and I was lucky enough to be able to continue contact with them while they were overseas.  One of them came and stayed with me in Florida with his army buddy while they were stationed in North Carolina.  The divorce didn't include them, and I am so grateful.  They've had kids of their own now and that is what brings me to this post.  My niece...she is 33 and a mother of 4.  Her first child is a teenager.  When she found out she was pregnant she told me before anyone else.  She made me swear to keep it a secret, she did not want her parents to make her end the pregnancy.  By this point she was very close to that not being an option anymore.  I did.  I took her to her sonogram appointment and got to see the baby and that is a memory I cherish.  I felt guilty about keeping it a secret, but I told my ex-husband (her blood uncle) and he agreed I needed to keep the baby safe.  Well, I was ostracized when the family found out I knew.  It was fine.  That was between me, and God and I did what I thought was right and I would do it again!  That was in 2008.  The baby was born on my son's birthday during his cancer treatment, so I had more important things to deal with than disapproval from a family that I never fit in. 

 

Fast forward to now.  My niece had a hysterectomy yesterday.  I am praying they got the cancer out completely.  She has had so much dealt to her.  A child with mental illness, one with Autism, a husband that was deployed during her pregnancies - the list goes on.  But she is a badass.  She handles it all and is in the process of closing on a million-dollar home that came from her putting herself through dental hygienist school, running a tanning and teeth whitening business on the side, being an army wife and now she is killing it as a realtor. I am so very proud of her!  In the morning, we were texting before her surgery, and she told me I always know exactly what to say to her when she needs it.  Tears in my eyes I told her - it's in the aunt's handbook.   Last night I was texting her after her surgery and she asked me if my kitchen in New York was decorated in Apples. I had not thought about that in a hundred years.  I laughed and said yes, why?  She began to tell me how she was telling her husband about what an impact I had on her life and how she remembered being in my kitchen and how I would let her do play dough and paint and all the things her mom never let her do.  She told me she always felt safe with me. So many emotions flooded my mind.  Wow.  I did not even remember that.  That brought me to a memory of my own mom and how she let me have play dough once -and I was only allowed to use it outside.  I swore I would let my kids do playdough whenever they wanted.  It led to a conversation with my daughter about how to my kids it was just. normal to be able to make messes and how they didn't know any different!  Anyway, this is taking waaaaayyy too long to get to my point.  If you're still here, bless you 😇  

 

What I learned and I want you to remember ---- sometimes it's a little thing that you don't even think about that can make a difference in someone's life.   My daughter's kindergarten teacher commented on her Facebook post the other day and we had a laundry list of things that we both remembered about her.  And 16 years later her teacher remembers things about us both fondly- tiny little things that did not mean anything while I was doing them, but she remembers. Growing up we never got ourselves something to eat or drink without asking anyone if they wanted something.  I raised my kids the same way.  It wasn't until years later that we realized this isn't necessarily "normal".   Lately I have been feeling less than important in the grand scheme of life so this interaction with my niece was much needed.  I guess I still react to words of affirmation after all, and I realize that many other people are more affected by acts of service.  It makes me feel good when I know that my words of affirmation and my acts of service made a difference to people.  Sometimes, I think we take it for granted in the people closest to us and it becomes not expected but just "normal" and it isn't appreciated as much.  I know I have been guilty of that in the past.  I have tried really hard to be conscious of it and make sure to tell people that they are important to me. So, today - take some time and think about someone or something that has made a difference in your life and tell them.  Even if you told them yesterday.  Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a decade. No one gets tired of hearing that they matter.  For all you know it could make tomorrow more than just a day in the life.