Everything I knew but I didn't know

 

It's the last Monday of 2020.  Some are saying Thank God it's almost over.  I say Thank God it happened.  Thank God that I had these 365 trips around the sun.  I learned a few years back not to evaluate my life by the numbers on the calendar.  Every year has challenges and blessings.  Some have more of one than the other.  For those who are so over the top disgusted with 2020 because of the changes in their lifestyle I say, you are a lucky person.  When I look back on "bad" years it was because horrible, terrible things were happening in my life.  Not because I can't go out to eat with my friends or find toilet paper.  It is all about choices and viewpoint.  I am choosing to bless 2020 and thank it for the things it taught me and the happiness it brought.

2020 started with my oldest son in a very bad place. If you had told me then that by the end of it he would be where he is I am not sure I would have believed you.  For that alone 2020 will be a year I would relive gladly to get to where we are today.  

Later in January we were blessed with my great niece being born.  She is a light in this world that God knew we needed.  Her mere presence in the world makes it a better place.  She has not had an easy start---allergies, eczema so severe she has to work like Houdini to scratch the itch, and coming into the world when everything has been on lockdown for most of her first year.  Yet, Miss Lyla is a fighter.  That little girl is going to change the world just by being in it.  2020 will always remind me of the blessing she is.

We had cancelled trips a plenty, fear of losing jobs, shocking deaths (not Covid related), prom cancelled, graduations cancelled, Weddings cancelled just like everyone else.  Is it difficult?  Of course, but really?  In the grand scheme of life those are things people experience all the time.  I am choosing to look at the blessings.

My Godson graduated college to go on to his Masters program, it didn't look like he thought it would but someday he'll look back and realize he's not alone and a lot of people will have some crazy stories of quarantined graduations.  It makes us have to work a little harder to make moments like this special.

My dad celebrated his 90th birthday.  I was lucky enough to be able to spend it with him but I know it's not what anyone expected or wanted.  But the important thing is that we have been blessed to have him celebrate his 90th birthday.  That is a gift denied to many.

My son turned 22 and although the cruise he had planned was cancelled they made the best of it and took a weekend away at the beach where they got married in 2018. My daughter and I were lucky enough to spend his birthday with him on the beach and if he had been on the cruise it would have been the first birthday we didn't get to see each other.  See how I turned that around? 😎

My daughter's junior year is not looking like she thought it would but she's finally being "homeschooled" like her brother's were and she's realizing it's not too bad to do school from her pajamas.

We finally took a trip to NY to meet my beautiful great niece and were lucky enough to be there when my niece Katey got engaged!  How lucky was THAT!  She was supposed to be in San Diego that week and the proposal would have happened there.  Thank you 2020 for allowing me to be part of that amazing moment in her life.  Had there been no pandemic that would never have happened.

We got to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family and also with my daughter in laws family which was such a huge blessing and so much fun! We have gotten so close and it is truly a joy that 2020 has given us this time.

My son and his beautiful wife bought their first home.  It is being built as we speak.  Because of that they have been staying with me on and off and we are lucky enough to have the beauty of my son's "last Christmas at home" for probably the third time 😉.

My daughter in law finished her college classes.  She will be graduating in May.  Such a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her!  

Thank you 2020, for these and many other blessings that I can't write about.  Thank you for the lessons and the changes and the growth that you've brought.  Here's to another 365 trips around the sun with the ones I love, because after all----it is just a day in the life.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

And I'm still trying to understand how a boy became a man

If you've been following me for any length of time you know that I'm a bit obsessed with my sons.  I have had different relationships with both of them.  They are 4 years apart and I always thought they were basically as different as night and day.  They do have their differences but right now....in this moment, they have more similarities than differences.  I was in a really bad place today.  I did something to my back and I've been in a lot of pain and not really able to do anything today.  I spoke to my younger son first this morning and after convincing him that I was really fine and didn't need him to send me food or anything else we had our normal conversation.  This evening I spoke to my first born and it struck me once again how blessed I am to have these men in my life.  Excuse me while I wipe the tears away as I type this.  The relationship that I have with my boys is so precious to me I really don't think anyone understands.  Especially as they begin to share with me the things they feel they have learned/gotten from me.  My younger son and I have not had that period of our relationship where he doesn't like me.  Where he has that "wow my mother is ...fill in the blank with the negative phrase"  Yes, we have had moments but not huge periods of time.  My oldest and I have had a very rough nearly 10 years (wow...last I checked it was 5---that escalated quickly!).  Since he turned 17 our relationship really changed. He blamed me for basically everything in his life that was wrong---well it was not pleasant, it was horrible to be honest.  We even went through a period of estrangement that lasted 8 months.  At that point I never thought we would be where we are now.  During our conversation today we touched on things that we have been working through during this period of global reset.  It struck me that the three of us are all going through similar periods of clearing, healing and growth.  We discussed things that we have been mulling over and I was relaying a huge time when I had to release things when I was close to his age.  He (in his wisdom) said, "Ma, I'm pretty sure they were threatened by you.  Which is really funny to me, because it's kinda like being threatened by Winnie the Pooh.  Like, Winnie the Pooh walks up and they're like "did you see how he said "oh bother"????    To some that might not make sense or even matter.  But to me????  It struck me in the heart twofold....1.  I decorated his nursery in Winnie the Pooh---I love Winnie the Pooh----and he has never ever mentioned Winnie the Pooh.  2.  Him saying this means he sees me through my heart and my kindness---which hasn't always been the case.  It melted me, honestly.  He told me today that he credits me with his positive side, whenever he is able to be positive and happy in the midst of chaos or negativity, he says "I get that from my mom."....if he only knew how much that means to me.  He also told me that I am the "time to buckle down and do it, even if you don't want to and it sucks" person.  He talked about stuff he did today that he REALLY didn't want to but he forced himself to because it had to be done.  It's nice for him to be giving me credit for the positive aspects of his personality.  Now if I could only get him to pray and turn to God I think his entire life would turn around.....I'm not giving up on that!

My younger son and I ---well the God part is huge with us.  We look at things the same way nearly all the time.  Our conversations are similar to the one I just relayed with my oldest, but I've come to expect that from our talks. He and I discuss our emotions much more than the average person. We have always had similar attitudes about things, but today it really hit me once again how very blessed I am to have raised these men.   They are proof to me that not all men are stoic or emotionless.  Not all men are stubborn or too prideful to admit their true vulnerabilities.  Maybe they're not like that with everyone, true.  But they are like that with the people that matter to them---the people they love and trust.  They are so compassionate with me, and their sister.

They both always ask how I am and truly take the time to listen.  They're my closest confidants.  I miss their physical presence so much during this quarantine.  I miss their handsome faces and their amazing hugs.  I miss their smiles and just absorbing their energy.  I miss the way they smell.  It brings me back to the days when they were little and how every minute of my day was spent taking care of their needs, including their education.  I see all these parents complaining about having their kids home and having to home school and I just feel jealous.  I would give anything to go back to that time again, knowing what I know now.  Knowing they would turn into these incredible men and that they would still love me with all their hearts and we would be friends.  I understand a lot of these parents are working from home and don't have the time to devote that I did, but still.  To be able to build Legos again and play dough and paint and build forts---even for just a day.  To remember their smells and wipe those tiny little hands after they eat.  To see those bedhead faces and smiles when they came downstairs in the morning.  Dancing in the kitchen to our favorite songs.  I'm missing that so much during this time.  It sucks that because they had to grow up, so did I.

Right now, I feel like we're growing together.  I am open about my feelings of being lost at this time in life.  Not knowing what's next for me and being confused about the whole thing.  We help each other navigate the whole thing, this thing we call life.  God willing we will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I love watching them become the men I knew they could be...and I thank God every single day for the gift of their presence in my life.  Most women pray for a man like their daddy----I am praying for a man like my sons.  One who will be open and honest about their feelings and own up to their mistakes and shortcomings.  One who doesn't have it all figured out and is okay admitting that and accepting help along the way.  And most importantly, one who sees the good in me, who knows my heart and accepts me exactly as I am, because after all......it's just a day in the life.