And when one of us is gone......and one of us is left to carry on....then remembering will have to do

 Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like "what is the point?"  I am having one of those days.  I am not a person who gives up easily.  However, sometimes when it seems like I am getting slammed with one thing after another I truly want to just hide.  Unfortunately, my brain will not allow that.  I am realizing lately that even when I tell myself I am going to retreat and turn the world off, my thoughts just won't stop.  I have that panicked feeling that I might be needed or somehow I am required to do something.  I think the needed part comes from being a mom and someone always needing me --- those days are truly gone.  It is rare that my adult children need me at this point.  It seems the only place I am needed now is at work.  I used to work 7 days a week without any set hours and although I now work 9-5 Monday through Friday I still have that "on call" mentality that really makes me always feel like there is an urgent matter somewhere that needs my attention.  Truth be told, it doesn't - I am not that vital, my job is not rocket science and my boss is quite capable of handling things when I am not on the clock. So, I am trying to train my brain to be able to relax.  It is unlearning years of learned behavior, but I am getting there.  Boundaries - as my daughter reinforces to me daily.  Yes, grasshopper I understand.  Have I mentioned I want to be her when I grow up?  She is truly remarkable.

Anyway - now what?  What exactly do I do while I am in this in between phase?  I know God is getting ready to move me again ---the signs are all there I am just waiting for when and where.  People say well where do you want to live?  Ummm if I knew that I would be doing it!  And when I move I am determined to find people who want and deserve my energy.   I am determined to not be that person who forces herself on people that don't want or need her energy.  I feel that I have been taken for granted for far too long and I have removed my attention from things that make me feel that way.  Being the "good girl" and thinking about everyone else's needs above my own is slowly disappearing.  It can be a lonely place, but luckily I am in good company----my own!  

And then there are mornings like this morning---the grief of a life that is not longer, another life that

will never be, the missing a time in my life when I knew what was required of me.  The time when I knew what my purpose and meaning was.  So I turned to my mom (in prayer) and the tears flowed.  The ache in my heart for my parents came full force and I let it.  I allowed myself to feel the loss and the sadness and the longing for a life that used to be, that could have been - I let it all flow.  When they say grief comes in waves they truly knew what they were talking about.  Sometimes that wave knocks you over and pulls you out with the tide.  Today is such a day.  I feel lost.  What I would not give for just one more talk with my dad "Listen angel life is not fair", or a "oh, Tina...." and a hug from my mom.  But as the song that was mine and my moms (You and Me against the World by Helen Reddy) eloquently states - and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on---then remembering will have to do!.  Well it sucks - sounds great as song lyrics but in life?  Sucks.

I think the hardest thing for me lately is that I don't trust my own intuition anymore.  I used to know so strongly what actions I should take, what I needed to do and say.  But that has been taken away slowly but surely and all I am left with is doubt and confusion and the question of did I REALLY ever know anything?  Was my intuition just a form of wishful thinking?  Maybe it was.  So what now?  If I don't trust myself how do I know what is meant for me?  How do I know what my next action is?  It leaves me wanting to hide in bed and not face anything - but that is not what I am made of.  I am stronger than that.  I found myself asking my mom for a sign today a BIG one --- but I didn't even know what sign to ask for or what I wanted it to mean.  I miss the days when I gave a shit about anything - I want this, I don't want that - I love this, I don't like that.  I am in a place of not caring.  Usually it is a peaceful, pleasant place of just allowing life to unfold the way it's meant to and being grateful for what comes. But when you have decisions to make and you just don't care it is really difficult to make them.  I look around and I have a really good life.  I know I have things that I once prayed for and they have been answered.   I am grateful-  SO very grateful for so many things in my life.  I know (and have lived it) things could be so much worse than apathy.  It seems everyone close to me is dealing with those things - so I have absolutely no right to complain.  But for someone like me----who used to be so passionate about everything to have apathy, and for someone who trusted her intuition like most people trust a GPS to doubt every thought that comes in my head?  It is a form of slow torture.  I miss me.  I miss that woman who stood so passionately for things that mattered to her.  I really hope she comes back and it's not just another person to grieve.  But for now?  I am grateful for this day in the life.

What the world needs now is love.....

January was quite possibly the worst I can ever remember.  February isn't looking much better.  I live in a beautiful climate so I can't blame it on winter blues.  It's something in my soul that aches and my brain is allowing itself to set up camp there as well.  I want to jump out of my skin and run away but to where?  No matter where I go, there I am you know?  I need to take a look in the mirror again and realize what I want to see looking back at me.  Ok, done.  I like her.  I really like her.  But honestly?  I think she's too much for most people to handle.  She is kind and loving and funny and real.  She gives far more than she takes and I think most people have a hard time with the depth of what she gives.  Maybe this is why people come and go out of my life so frequently.  Maybe this is why I don't have people who can deal with me on a daily basis.  Except my kids, they can't get enough of me (poor things). So I spend a lot of time alone.  I normally don't mind that, but lately I need more.  So, I once again began my quest for my purpose in life.


Last week my cream filling son and I left the gym and went to the grocery store.  I was wearing a BEAT CANCER shirt.  The woman bagging the groceries asked if I knew anyone who had cancer.  I pointed over my shoulder and said "Yes.  Him".  She gasped and my son chuckled.  I said my mom did too.  She began to tell us about her mom who was battling cancer.  She was in NY and we are in Florida.  She stepped away with us and let it all out. We found ourselves sharing things to help this woman deal with this horrific time in her life.  My son explained a lot about what a chemo patient goes through (have I mentioned he is truly my hero and I am so incredibly blessed to call him my son?) and what helped him and what made things worse.  I shared my experience more with my mom because she could relate to that.  She hugged me so tightly when we left and thanked us both over and over again.  We wished her luck and we were on our way.

I had to take my son's car to be fixed the other day.  I called a few places and longed (for one of the first times) to be back in Arizona where my mechanic and I are facebook friends and I trusted him to make time for me whenever I needed it and to be honest and fair.  So I turned to Google and the first place I called the woman had such a thick accent and said she'd call me back.  I almost didn't go because I thought if she can't understand me how is this gonna work?  I'm so glad I went.  I walked into the office and she treated me like we were old friends.  She took one look at me and said "Your eyes!  Ay dios mio your eyes!"  I was like, huh?  My eyes, I know, didn't have their usual sparkle, I was feeling sad and flat and defeated.  But she saw the light.  She said I had a bright soul.  I asked her if she had psychic abilities she said no.  We talked for over an hour about angels and spirit guides and God and how He shows things and people don't listen.  Turns out she is very much psychic she just didn't know it.  We exchanged numbers and she asked me to do a reading for her.  We hugged like old friends.  These are the people who get me.  I thanked God for the meeting and decided I knew what came next.

February marks the anniversary of my mom's death.  It's been two years since she passed.  It feels like 12.  I realized what my next step needed to be.  I needed to finally put my energy into something that couldn't ignore me or dismiss me and something that needed someone like me.  I signed up to volunteer to help families with children with life threatening illnesses.  To be there for them, shop for them, help with chores.  All the things I know I'm good at and I haven't been able to find the right outlet for.  I signed my daughter up too.  I want her to have tools to focus her energy in the right places and not end up like me figuring it out at 52 years old.  Loneliness is a terrible thing.  Especially when you're surrounded by people who love you.  But unless you have someone who really truly understands what you're going through you feel alone.  Hopefully I can be that to some of these families.  And in doing that maybe I can save myself as well.

After all....it's just a day in the life.

That's what Friends are For

Have you ever sat in a group of people and yet felt completely alone?  This happens to me a lot, unfortunately.  If you knew me you would probably be surprised by that statement.  I am very friendly and chatty, but I hate superficial conversations.  They bore me to tears. However, I've learned (the hard way!) that not everyone is trustworthy and I can't talk honestly to everyone.  So, that leaves me feeling very much alone, unless I'm around people I'm close to.  With that being said, I have changed so much in the last 5 years and even more so in the past year that I'm afraid the number of people I'm close to has been reduced to half a handful.  It makes for a lot of lonely times.  

I have always had a strong faith and belief in God.  I believe that whatever I pray for He will bring me whatever I need and/or ask for, not necessarily when I want it, but He delivers none the less.  I used to think it was coincidence that I would think something or feel something in my "gut" and then it would happen.  I now realize that those were answered prayers and my intuition giving me a heads up.  

I used to wonder how people could be friends with people on Facebook that they have never met.  Last July I prayed to God to bring me like minded people in my life.  I was changing so rapidly and I found myself alone in my way of thinking.  In September I started my business page on FB, Chat with your Angels and I was introduced to a few of the most wonderful women I've ever met.  These women have become my closest confidants, my daily dose of friendship and my soul sisters.  God always answers prayers.  I wasn't specific in where these friends would come from I just asked Him to send them. And send them He certainly did.  I know that I can shoot a text, or pick up the phone or email them and they will get back to me instantaneously.  That is priceless to me.  I can also tell them anything (and I mean anything) and I know they will "get it" and better yet, not judge me!  How many of you have people like that in your life?''  I know that someday I will meet them face to face and it will be like we've known each other our whole lives!

I wake up every morning expecting a miracle.  I know God makes them.  Then I realize that every moment is a miracle.  And even though there are times I feel alone I realize that I never am.  I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, 3 perfect children and a God that loves me and watches over me every second of the day!  And I have angels around me all the time that are just waiting for me to talk to them.  Who could ever feel alone?