Hush little baby don’t you cry, momma’s gonna love you all your life

I sent this to all three of my adult children today.  My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry

too.  He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest).  He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself  up for not being perfect.  Wow.  Who says kids don’t know anything?  It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child.  That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old.  It took me way longer to see that.  And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did.  I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not.  But I strived to be I suppose.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise.  I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes.  Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember.  So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect.  I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible.  I still do.  And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore.  As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow.  Well I didn’t sign up for that!  She’s right I know.  Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night.  As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway.  I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why?  I am fine!  HA!  Sorry mom - I get it now.  Oh boy do I get it.

My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life.  I told him - peace, love and joy.  I used to say happiness - but I want joy again.  I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t

always possible so when they are I embrace them.  But I do cry a LOT.  Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here.  I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here.  But, I know God had other plans.  Every day I just feel so grateful to live here.  I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts.  And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path.  I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is.  I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing!  I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.

I have never dreamt a lot that I remember.  But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up.  So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW!  It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on.  Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on.  (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned.  People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring.  Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses.  Well talk about feeling called out!  I thought I had let go of all that!  I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment.  But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.

Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them.  It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate.  The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning.  Ok, well that went well.  I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time.  Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection.  Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way.  It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me.  Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.

Look at the stars....how they all shine for you

Today.....today was one of those perfect days. I will try my very hardest to remember this feeling and this day when things get hard (which of course they will - this is life after all) 2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, since in the last decade I have gotten divorced, moved 4 times, lost both of my parents, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But 2022 ---- it was (I believe) the ending of a time of torment and it had to get it's last licks in. And if today is any indication of what is to come -- it was all worth it. Every single moment. I am blessed. I know this. My family is protected. I know this. But that does not mean that bad things do not happen. But I don't want to focus on 2022 - I want to focus on today. I started my morning with a phone call from my oldest son in California before I had my coffee. Normally, he texts me that early with our good morning gratitudes. It is something we have started recently. But a phone call that early would have sent me into a panic in the past (especially because we spoke last night) But it doesn't anymore. He's doing well - so well that I do not believe I have ever seen this version of my son as an adult. He had good news for me - that's why he called. So we started chatting and wow - it went deep. He gave me a gift that he didn't even know I needed. He thanks me all the time for things I've done, things I am still doing, I do not need thanks. I tell him, all I need is for him to live his best life. THAT is the greatest gift to me. He understands me very well. All three of my children do, honestly. Because I have always been honest and open about my life and my feelings with them. But he relates a lot to who I was as a child and things I have shared about that period in my life. He is also the one who saw the toxicity of my marriage more than the other two. He understands now things I did to protect them. I guess what he gave me yesterday was validation. Something he has never given me before. I hung up the phone feeling like I could conquer the world. Feeling like if this was my last day on earth I would be able to die happy. The joy in my heart was overflowing that my baby boy (who is a man) is in such a great space and our relationship is where it is. It did not end there ----- my creme filling son and I had a catch up call this week. The time difference and our work schedules do not allow that as often as we would like. It was just so great. We text nearly every day, but those phone calls are needed. So we were texting today and it was great. My daughter in law also thanked me for raising him - that was a bonus too. Then out of the blue tonight he sent me a song and said "make sure you're not in public" - again, he knows me well. I sobbed my eyes out - I am crying now as I type this. It was very similar to what my oldest said to me earlier. I cannot explain the feeling --- I grew up in a very male dominant household, my father and brother did not show their emotions (the soft ones) and I thought men did not have emotions. I thought men were made of stone. I believe that is why I chose my ex husband. He showed emotions. He cried. He described loving me in words that curled my toes. But, as soon as we got engaged that went away. So----I assumed that that is how it worked. Now he was just like all the other men in my life. I thought this was normal! I was determined to let my sons show emotions and not be ridiculed for them. I succeeded. Then they became men. And I see they don't show them to the outside world (which is fine! That is saved for the ones that love you!) but I know what goes on inside. And it has given me a whole new insight into the male species. I wish I had known all of this when I was a young girl. It would have helped me understand that women aren’t the only ones with feelings. Raising these boys changed my life in ways they will never know. These men that I raised....they have given me a run for my money. From childhood and their constant fighting to their teen years which made me long for the days when all I had to do was deal with their fighting to their 20s which have had more ups and downs then the tower of terror in Disneyworld. But today----today I got to see a glimpse of what it was all for. These men....are incredible. They love me just as much as they did when they were little. They will always need me, in a very different way, but need me nonetheless. All of those prayers, and sleepless nights and days when I did SO many things that I really did not want to do and the days I felt like a failure (a lot of those)----it was all worth it. Every minute of it. Today (and I know this will not be permanent unlike the old me who thought once things were good they stayed that way) today is that day when all is right with the world. And I feel HAPPY and JOYFUL and dare I say bliss. Today was SO much more than a day in the life.....