Because you matter to me, I promise you do, you see?

At one time in my life, I had 21 nieces and nephews.  I took great pride in being an aunt.  Before I became a mom, being an aunt defined me. When I got divorced (even before then) I lost 14 of those nieces and nephews.  I remained close to my niece and two nephews who lived in Arizona, but the rest wrote me off like I never existed.  All those years of playing barbies with them, letting them do my hair, baking them cakes for celebrations, my "famous" pasta salad that they requested all the time, dance recitals, sleepovers at my house, being their confidants when they couldn't tell their mom something - all forgotten.  I was erased with a signature on a divorce paper.  I never really thought about it over the years.  It was best to have that clean break, I have mentioned in previous blogs I was never really accepted into my in laws circle.  But my nieces and nephews - they accepted me completely - and if I am being honest, probably part of the reason why their mothers did not.  Over the years since my divorce, I remained in contact with my niece and 2 nephews from Arizona.  The boys joined the Army, and I was lucky enough to be able to continue contact with them while they were overseas.  One of them came and stayed with me in Florida with his army buddy while they were stationed in North Carolina.  The divorce didn't include them, and I am so grateful.  They've had kids of their own now and that is what brings me to this post.  My niece...she is 33 and a mother of 4.  Her first child is a teenager.  When she found out she was pregnant she told me before anyone else.  She made me swear to keep it a secret, she did not want her parents to make her end the pregnancy.  By this point she was very close to that not being an option anymore.  I did.  I took her to her sonogram appointment and got to see the baby and that is a memory I cherish.  I felt guilty about keeping it a secret, but I told my ex-husband (her blood uncle) and he agreed I needed to keep the baby safe.  Well, I was ostracized when the family found out I knew.  It was fine.  That was between me, and God and I did what I thought was right and I would do it again!  That was in 2008.  The baby was born on my son's birthday during his cancer treatment, so I had more important things to deal with than disapproval from a family that I never fit in. 

 

Fast forward to now.  My niece had a hysterectomy yesterday.  I am praying they got the cancer out completely.  She has had so much dealt to her.  A child with mental illness, one with Autism, a husband that was deployed during her pregnancies - the list goes on.  But she is a badass.  She handles it all and is in the process of closing on a million-dollar home that came from her putting herself through dental hygienist school, running a tanning and teeth whitening business on the side, being an army wife and now she is killing it as a realtor. I am so very proud of her!  In the morning, we were texting before her surgery, and she told me I always know exactly what to say to her when she needs it.  Tears in my eyes I told her - it's in the aunt's handbook.   Last night I was texting her after her surgery and she asked me if my kitchen in New York was decorated in Apples. I had not thought about that in a hundred years.  I laughed and said yes, why?  She began to tell me how she was telling her husband about what an impact I had on her life and how she remembered being in my kitchen and how I would let her do play dough and paint and all the things her mom never let her do.  She told me she always felt safe with me. So many emotions flooded my mind.  Wow.  I did not even remember that.  That brought me to a memory of my own mom and how she let me have play dough once -and I was only allowed to use it outside.  I swore I would let my kids do playdough whenever they wanted.  It led to a conversation with my daughter about how to my kids it was just. normal to be able to make messes and how they didn't know any different!  Anyway, this is taking waaaaayyy too long to get to my point.  If you're still here, bless you 😇  

 

What I learned and I want you to remember ---- sometimes it's a little thing that you don't even think about that can make a difference in someone's life.   My daughter's kindergarten teacher commented on her Facebook post the other day and we had a laundry list of things that we both remembered about her.  And 16 years later her teacher remembers things about us both fondly- tiny little things that did not mean anything while I was doing them, but she remembers. Growing up we never got ourselves something to eat or drink without asking anyone if they wanted something.  I raised my kids the same way.  It wasn't until years later that we realized this isn't necessarily "normal".   Lately I have been feeling less than important in the grand scheme of life so this interaction with my niece was much needed.  I guess I still react to words of affirmation after all, and I realize that many other people are more affected by acts of service.  It makes me feel good when I know that my words of affirmation and my acts of service made a difference to people.  Sometimes, I think we take it for granted in the people closest to us and it becomes not expected but just "normal" and it isn't appreciated as much.  I know I have been guilty of that in the past.  I have tried really hard to be conscious of it and make sure to tell people that they are important to me. So, today - take some time and think about someone or something that has made a difference in your life and tell them.  Even if you told them yesterday.  Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a decade. No one gets tired of hearing that they matter.  For all you know it could make tomorrow more than just a day in the life. 

I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit...

 

How many times have I heard; you are SO strong.  You are SO brave.  Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.  I get it.  I am the epitome of Mary sunshine.  At least that's what is  shown to the world.  The handful of people that I reveal my true self to know differently.  I ugly cry.  I feel the agony of heartbreak.  Most people don't know that, my circle is extremely small.  Also, in all fairness I rarely stay in a place of despair for long.  It is just not who I am.  I can find the bright side and silver lining in pretty much any situation.  There are a few that I have trouble with.  And those are ones that I cannot change....because if I could, I most certainly would. That is why people say I am strong.  Because so help me God (and He does!) if I can change something I am unhappy with, damn straight I do!  Unfortunately, there are some things that are out of my control - those are the things that make me ugly cry.  That make me feel like I truly can't make it through another day with this pain and heartache -----yet somehow, I do.  What choice do I have?  If I could change it - I would.  But I can't - so I won't.   Make sense?  

Most people are too afraid to change things when they are unhappy with it.  Very sad to me.  Living in a place of unhappiness or negativity or despair or loneliness is such a waste to me.  Nothing is as scary as staying stuck in that place of misery.  I think most people are so accustomed to it that they think it's normal.  Well, it could be worse, right? Well, everyone is unhappy right?  Who is happy most of the time?  Ummmm I am!  And I can tell you why and how, but you don't want to know.  Right?  Because if you are in that place, you don't want to change it or you would have already.  It is not rocket science.  It just takes faith and hope - I think both are so easy to utilize...however I don't think it is for most people.  I am blessed I suppose. My faith in God and "meant to be" and His power over my life is my saving grace.  I suppose most people don't have that.  If they did, they certainly would not settle into the mundane existence they live in.

Change is inevitable, right?  If we don't grow, we die.  I think a lot of people are terrified of change. 

What if I screw it up?  I can't do that - how can I do that?  My question is - how can you not?  How can you live each day feeling anything less than happy?  My daughter said to me the other day - "it's so annoying (she was laughing) I cannot even get mad about stuff anymore because I know it is all working out the way it is supposed to". Thank God that side of me rubbed off on her and my creme filling son.  He was super unhappy last year in his career and business.  Did he wallow in it?  Nope.  He did what he needed to do to change that situation and although it took longer than he would have liked - he knew it would happen exactly when it was meant to.  It makes me feel like even with all the screw ups I made as a parent - this is something I am extremely proud to have passed on to them.  Is life simple or easy for them - hell no!  They have stuff that comes up just like everyone else.  But they choose to change the things they can and pray on whatever they cannot. 

And before you grumble to yourself that I don't understand your situation - maybe I don't.  However, I have been dealt a hell of a lot of shit in my life (abusive relationships, childhood cancer, bankruptcy twice, mental illness, death of both of my parents to cancer, divorce, getting back into the workplace after 18 years without a college degree, moving across the country and back, alienation from people I love - you get the drill) yet I wake up every day and I am grateful for the good in my life.  Wow just typing all that made me depressed I am not gonna lie.  Maybe I am delusional....maybe I just don't really think about all I have been dealt.  People will say that is why I can be happy.  Well, what other choice is there?  I could not change any of those things - (except the divorce, I chose that, and I did that to make life better for myself and ultimately my children) so am I supposed to just sit in that misery?  What a waste of life.  So why are you?  Can you change your circumstances?  Are you living in a place of resentment or obligation or a life full of shoulds?  There is where it needs to change!  If you are holding onto unforgiveness or any of the ugly emotions that cause unhappiness - who are you hurting?  Not the person you need to forgive - not the job/boss/fill in the blank that you are resenting.  You are hurting yourself!  You need to learn to accept the apology you never got - you need to stop letting people take advantage of your kindness if that is causing resentment - and your job?  Please.   If you left tomorrow they would replace you without a second thought - find another job!  Life is too short to live in discomfort.

Faith is your secret weapon.  If you believe that God is real, then you need to trust that whatever He is putting on your heart is for your best interest.  I have written numerous times about times that I knew He was moving me to do things.  I never question it; I just do it.  And I have never been sorry.  Is life always easy?  No.  Do I know that better days are coming?  Yes.  Does that mean life will never get hard again?  No.  Here's what I suggest you do.  Take 30 minutes today and think about the main reason for your unhappiness/discomfort/sadness/despair or any other emotion that isn't making your life happy.  What is causing it?  Can you change it?  Then make a plan to do that.  If you can't change it - give it up to God.  And listen.  Feel.  What is He putting on your heart?  Follow that.  Make today not just a day in the life....I promise you won't regret it!

I made a promise, I'll never run and hide

 Have you ever had a dream that lasted all night?  Even if you wake up and go back to sleep it continues?  I have had this happen to me many times. When I was a child there was one dream in particular that happened for years - a giant chasing me through a maze/house.  Even typing that gives me a pit in my stomach, it was terrifying as a child.  I also had one where snakes were biting my feet - there was more to that one but I don't remember it.  I remember waking myself up because I wanted it to stop, yet I would try drifting off to sleep and it would pick up where it left off.  Not sure if there is a reason why these happen but I am not a fan.

So, last night's "dream" was very detailed, however when I woke up and started trying to talk about it the details were hazy.  There was a huge storm/wave coming and everyone at the resort or cruise ship or wherever I was, was terrified.  Everyone was preparing to die, honestly.  Me?  I was in the ocean floating on the waves having a grand time.  The person who I was with (no face, this happens a lot in my dreams - faceless, but I can usually sense who its "supposed" to be) was like ummmm, Tina?  Look behind you.  I was like "OH, hmmmm.  I guess we should get out!"  YA THINK?  So, we went inside this building which was set up for everyone to basically just be piled into rooms like sardines - anticipating death I suppose.  I saw some old friends from Elementary school, and I asked if I could save the seat in between them with my jacket.  They looked at me like I was crazy as I went off, happy as a lark to get some pizza and watch a movie.  Other things happened, fuzzy now, but I remember feeling like no one wanted to be around me, they looked at me like I was out of my mind.  Truth be told I started to feel alone and sad.  But I continued on exploring the ship looking for I am assuming my family.  I finally woke up for the day and ended the extremely uncomfortable dream.

Over coffee this morning I was telling my daughter about it and I realized ---- everyone was prepared to die, and I was like - uhhh no!  God is protecting me, I am fine, I don't know about you all.  And my daughter - in her brilliance - was like Ma, that's what it was.  That is how you are in real life and that is why people don't get you!  I was like Aha!  You are right!  And she said "and the waves represent all the changes that are coming.  We know they're coming but we don't know when it's going to hit.  But we are not scared because we know we will be fine, and God has got us."  Have I mentioned she's brilliant?  And I made her 😃

I don't usually have dreams that can be interpreted this way (at least I don't think so) but perhaps the ones that I cannot wake up from during the night are those types of dreams and I am supposed to learn from them.  I realize part of my purpose in this lifetime is to teach by example how to surrender it all to God.  When you have worries - give them to God.  The more you do that the less you will feel the need to worry, because God is up all night anyway.  I remember my daddy saying to me that God would say "Are you going to worry about this?  Because if you are going to worry about this then I won't because no sense both of us losing sleep over it" - FACTS.  Here's the main issue - if there is something in your life that you are concerned about, and you can change it - than do it!  Make the change and fix it.  If there is something in your life that you can't change - then you have to surrender it to God and let Him work it out in your best interest.  So....basically, worrying is a complete waste of time.  Think about my dream?  All those people were sitting around just waiting to die, while I was walking around eating Pizza and watching a movie.  The end result was the same - however I was enjoying the time while they were wasting it.

Right in front of you is 24 hours - we all have the same 24 hours.  Are you going to spend yours unhappy and glum or are you going to make it more than just a day in the life?  Choice is yours....