Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...welcome to the final show!

 Today, my youngest child has her last day of high school.  Wow.  The end of an era.....the end of what feels like is my whole life and I am sure feels like it's been her whole life too.  She got picked up this morning, which made yesterday the last day I drove her and it was unbeknownst to me which was fabulous! .She got her cap and gown yesterday, but luckily I did not have too much time to get emotional because we had a dress disaster (note to anyone--do not order a dress with a pouf to go under a graduation gown unless you want to look like you are much larger than you are!

We have both been very busy and distracted these last few weeks.. She's been really enjoying her friends and activities and just really GOOD stuff.  But, she is my daughter through and through.  Last night as we had dinner and caught up on life she said that she was really drained.  It is catching up with her, all this social stuff.  We are definitely the same in that we need down time alone in order to recharge.  I think Monday it will possibly hit her--but I do not know.  This little girl whoops, this young woman has been through so much in her 18 years on this planet and she handles it all like a boss, I am not sure how it will affect her.  I just see a lot more emotion lately so I have to think it's all boiling up under the surface.  She thanked me on Monday for always showing her strength and how to handle things like a "bad ass bitch"--- it's funny, I feel like I have shown my kids my weakness more times than I can count---they have seen me at my worst, where I am crying so hard I cannot breathe.  But I guess, when it matters....when life really knocks me down, all they see is that I get up again and hold my head up and do what needs to be done.  And they follow suit.  I guess, that's what matters right?

I do not remember making a fuss over my son's last day of school---I guess it did not occur to me because I was excited for their next phase of life.  I knew it was not an ending but a beautiful exciting beginning. Also, they never seemed to make a big deal out of stuff like that.  For my daughter this is all a very big deal.  She told me her brother (cream filling) texted her this morning about it---she was really happy about that.  Normally, my daughter does not care about milestones or getting attention or recognition, so it's a really hard thing to know when she wants a fuss and when she does not.  But I know this is a huge event for her.  I hope I did not miss the boat with my sons, but hey, I am sure they would have mentioned it by now 😉  It is just that as my daughter ends this part of life, I am ending it with her.  And like many of her friends have confessed to me, they don't know what the next chapter looks like and they're scared.  Me too sweetie, me too. But it will all work out.  Maybe not how you thought, maybe not how you planned, but it will

She received the gold honors cord, my baby girl.  This kid missed more school than is legal.   But she always handed in her assignments and took pride in her work. Throughout these last four years alone she has dealt with moving, missing school to travel and be a bridesmaid in three weddings, cheer competitions, illness/turmoil in our immediate family, people she loves letting her down, a pandemic, rushing down several times to take care of her grandfather and ultimately the death of her grandfather-that is a lot for a high schooler to handle.   I know on Wednesday as I see her cross that stage I will feel that feeling of pride....that feeling of love swell in my chest.  The feeling of gratitude that God gave me this precious human being to raise and to love---and she is miraculous. I am so blessed to be the keeper of her secrets, her guidance system, her go to person.  I am sad that my extended family will not be at this graduation.  She was only given a limited number of tickets and she did not want to choose.  My oldest son will not be there as things are rocky with him right now.  I have always felt my daughter got the short end of the stick in so many ways.....this is no different.  She deserves a parade!  But instead, she'll get a moving truck and yet another goodbye as her brother moves back to Arizona.  She will get a time of uncertainty as we figure out what our next move is.  I know that this girl is tough as nails.  She rolls with the punches and finds the blessings in every situation.  She is grateful for the little things.  And I know that God is going to bless her with a magnificent future with more than she could ever imagine.  He will send her a husband who loves and adores her, and beautiful, healthy children and she will be the center of their world.  She will have a career that she loves until the time comes for her to focus on that beautiful family.  Because that is what she dreams of and she deserves nothing less. 

So, as I prepare to watch her embark on this next chapter I will continue to pray, and hold her close and cherish every moment with this beautiful human being and realize that in the grand scheme of things....it's just a day in the life.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

Welcome 2020

Here we are again....the end of the year, but this year it's the end of a decade!  My memory is fuzzy but this decade was jam packed for sure.  I started it with my oldest being 16 and ended it with my youngest being 16.  I got divorced, moved 3 times (once across the country), I discovered my connection to my angels and the spiritual realm, I went from being a stay at home mom to working for 2 different companies full time...those are just the basics.  I don't even recognize the woman I was 10 years ago...hell I don't recognize the woman I was 12 short months ago.  I began this year with so much hope and conviction of what would transpire during this year.  I am ending it with the knowledge that I don't know anything and that sometimes life is just what it is and you have to accept it.    In this decade there have been communions, confirmations, surgeries, engagements, graduations - high school and college, weddings, deaths and births, beginnings and endings, more than I can count.  My heart has been overflowing and it's been broken.  Has it been different than past decades?  I think so.  I think the events that transpired were harder than ever before.  I've become numb to things that would have destroyed me in the past.  I don't feel things as deeply as I have in the past---is that age?  Maybe.  But I think it is more about disappointment breaking down the ability to feel as deeply.  The fear of feeling utter joy and bliss because the pain of it being taken away is too devastating than never feeling that joy and bliss in the first place.  I am ending this decade in a place of acceptance.  Accepting life as it is and not expecting anything but what is.  If something good comes then I'm pleasantly surprised, if something bad happens I'm not shocked.  I know that it is all in God's hands at the end of the day and in His time.  That brings peace.  Joy is something I've traded for peace I suppose.  I'm not going to lie, I miss joy.  Even when I am at my happiest I am unable to feel joy.  I'm making that my mission in this next decade---to not let the fear of it being taken away to stop me from feeling joy.  Or maybe contentment is what you feel as you get older.  I look around and I see people just existing and I never wanted to be that person.  I never wanted to just allow life to pass by without truly embracing the wonderful moments.

Thanksgiving was a great day.  We enjoyed dinner and then went to Disney  World.  I had my kids all with me, everyone was getting along-  but I just didn't feel fully happy. I was standing in the kitchen looking at my family gathered around the table together, laughing and that woman who started the decade would have been bursting with joy.  My daughter turned 16 this month.  My sister flew in to surprise her and it was really a wonderful weekend.  I looked around the table when we were all laughing and truly enjoying being together, yet joy wouldn't come.  That's when I realized something was wrong.  That's when I realized that this decade really did kick my ass.  I vowed that I was going to change that.  I was going to find out how to get that joy back.  In fact, I decided I'm going to write a book about this very thing.  This can't be all there is---just existence. I don't want to believe it.  Yet that is where I'm at.

Well I took a break in writing this and this past weekend brought a situation back that has broken my heart in the past more than once.  I handled it like a robot.  I had absolutely no emotion.  I just went through the motions and stoically handled  it.  I called my sister to inform her of the situation and told her how I just didn't care anymore, that it didn't matter.  After a lengthy conversation she convinced me that I was blocking any feeling because I just could not allow it again.  I couldn't allow myself to feel the pain anymore. Shit.  As usual, she knows me pretty damn well and confirmed my earlier suspicions .  I went about my day and I slowly found myself remembering things that made me feel differently.  She was right.  I have blocked things that make me feel the pain and heartbreak of certain situations.  I have stopped hoping for better things on the horizon, I've stopped thinking that happy endings are guaranteed.  I am still a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and that God's plan is always unfolding, however I've given up thinking things will get better.  I do believe that whatever comes I will have the strength to deal with it.

I suppose what I need to decide as I enter this next decade is if being numb is better than feeling the good and the bad and all the emotions in between.  In this decade I have felt the happiest I had in my entire life and the most broken and sad as well.   I know I've written about this before and back then I decided that being numb was not the answer, because I would rather 5 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special (Thank you Shelby/Steel Magnolias).  I think I'd like to change my answer.  I'll take numb for $500 Alex.  I guess what the last decade has taught me is how to deal with everything life throws at me without getting wrapped around the axle about it.  I just treat it all like it's just a day in the life, because, after all----that's what it is.