You can go your own way....you can call it another lonely day

Sometimes doing things your own way can create a lonely existence.  But isn't it better to be lonely than force yourself to live a lie?  In talking to my bestie from the country above me, we have once again realized many things in a short conversation on her drive to work.  Life is too short to fit into other peoples molds of what it's supposed to look like.  We realized last night that some people....okay MOST people do not look at life the way we do.  We never have fluffy conversations.  We don't discuss weather or food or plans for the day or clothing.  We discuss life.  We discuss purpose.  We discuss the past and how it relates to the future and the lessons we are learning and how to become the best people we can be.  The people we are destined to become.  It blew our minds last night when we realized not everyone does this.  What do they talk about, we pondered.  How can they look at things and not try to figure out WHY the patterns repeat and WHAT they are supposed to be changing or learning from each obstacle or issue that life throws at them.  What do they DO just ignore it?  Wow. Sad.  How can life ever get better if you don't figure out what's not working and why?  This brings me to this mornings chat.

I've been having difficulty sleeping for the first time in my life.  It is mind blowing to me that people deal with this for years and years and years.  The constant thoughts running through my head, fear gripping me, recurring dreams and messages and lying there just wanting sleep and it not coming.  Wow.  My heart breaks for those who deal with that.  Am I going to just say, damn now I'm one of them?  Hell no!  I'm not going down without a fight.  I figured out the reason for this and I will find a way to fix it.  So, I'm talking to my Canadian soul sister and we're running through 700 different topics in the 30 minutes we have to chat and what the main outcome today was....the hell with the experts and the leaders and what "they" say to do.  We need to find our OWN way and what works in OUR lives....all of us!  There is no cookie cutter recipe for success or happiness.  What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.  And for someone to THINK that their way is the only way just proves that they are small minded and pathetic.  Sorry.  Judgmental?  Maybe.  But that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it just like everyone else is.  And these so called "experts"?  Their view is most likely deeply rooted in their opinion...remember that!  Sure there are scientific facts that are valid and should be considered, but that's not LIFE! The only scientific fact that rules life is that we are all going to die...the rest is up for interpretation.  The only person who is an expert in YOUR life is.....drum roll please......YOU.  That's right dear reader...you are the only one qualified to make the determination for what is going to work in your life.  And here's the key.....the magic ingredient.....you need to TRUST yourself. Yes...yes that's right...trust YOU.  Not Abraham Hicks or Tony Robbins or Eckhart Tolle or Oprah and not even Deepak Chopra.  YOU!  Yes all of these "experts" have a lot of great information and tips to help.  Yes I've incorporated a lot of it into my life (except Oprah...not a fan 😉) but guess what? I had to learn to TRUST myself when something didn't resonate or feel right to me.  Yes...I'm slow and sometimes I spent months doing something that didn't resonate because ummmm duh, they're "experts" right?  WRONG!  My maple leaf bestie and I were discussing how those months/weeks/days of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were lessons yes but a huge waste of precious time that we could have spent trusting our guts/intuition/higher self.

I woke up this morning (woke up HA that's a hot one...if you call what I did last night sleeping!) in a huge panic.  I was shaking inside and felt so drained and just a huge mess if I'm being honest (WHICH I always am for the record) and I reached for my coffee and my newest best friend....my 3 journals.  I wrote until my hand was going to explode and poof.  Anxiety gone.  Ready to face the day with my big girl panties (OK, granny panties) in place.  This new ritual I started at the beginning of the year of journaling and pulling angel cards for myself to start the day is life changing.  The cards aren't always clear these days but the journaling is a life saver.  1 is my journal of thoughts, quotes etc.  1 is a prayer journal...direct letters from me to the Big Guy upstairs---this one is the BEST thing I've ever done for myself. I pour out every want, fear, doubt, blessing...I express my gratitude and I make deals with Him.  That's right...I make deals, don't judge 💗.  If you send me this I'll do this.....YES some "experts" might say it doesn't work like that but guess what?  Those experts don't have my relationship with God, I do!  Maybe it doesn't work for everyone but it works for me.  And that...my friends is what it is all about...finding what works for you....not anyone else...you!  And if you find that the people in your life don't agree with what you're doing?  Then stop asking them for permission to live your life....it's nobodies business.  And from this "expert's" opinion?  If that's the case? You need some new people....just sayin'.  No one has all the answers....but you're the best one to ask....because after all?  It's just a day in the life...

And somewhere, sometime from now together again somehow All of the waiting will seem like a moment and then

Life can change in a moment.  Miracles happen every day.  These are the thoughts that have been consuming my head in the last few weeks.  That adorable puppy you see pictured above snuggled on my favorite blanket came into our lives in an instant.  I had been thinking hmmm maybe we should get a puppy.  I was wondering how my other dog would take it, I thought wth was I thinking?  Why make more work for myself and I was going back and forth. Not all the time but every few weeks the thought would pop in.  We were at the dentist and poof she was running down the street.  We picked her up with the intention of returning her to her owners.  Um,yea they never surfaced.  We put up signs, I posted on social media, we registered with the animal shelters.  Low and behold, 4 years later we can't imagine life without her. She immediately became part of the family as easy as breathing. The other morning she must have slipped past me out the back and I shut the patio door and didn't realize she was there.  A little while later I realized I didn't see her in the house and I panicked.  I looked all over, went out by the pool and started to get frantic.  I opened the front door and called her.  Nothing.. I repeated my steps and I was in disbelief that she could have disappeared.  I went out front again and she came running.  My head thought omg someone could take her and poof she'd be gone.  I would not know what to do.  Yes she's chipped and yes she has a tag but that doesn't help if someone wanted her!  It just proved to me that everything can change in an instant.

Yesterday I had this exchange with my beautiful daughter.   I looked at the time that I sent my message....11:55....angel numbers.  11 your thoughts are manifesting quickly into reality keep them positive and 55 rapid changes are coming.  Those numbers have been beating down my door as of late.  So I know the everything can change in an instant... thoughts aren't a coincidence.  I think big changes are coming for my family once again.

Yesterday my son texted me that he had to call 911 for a coworker having an asthma attack.  It was serious stuff.  I joked later with him because I called 911 too because I saw the start of a fire on the side of the road.  We had banter at the dinner table over who was the bigger hero.  I felt that I, of course, won because I pretty much saved the entire state of Florida from, quite possibly the worst forest fire ever 👧😏while he just helped a person get oxygen.  He disputed that he was practically a superhero because he followed the instructions and saved a life and my dinky little fire was probably controlled. 😑The conversation did become serious as we discussed that life can change in an instant.  The instant he was diagnosed with cancer....the minute he (at 5 years old) announced that he was okay with the family moving to AZ and the decision was made....the moment he decided that he lost his passion for baseball and changed his future plans (because it truly happened in an instant!)...getting a message out of the blue from someone who changes your life forever....it all happens in a moment.

This morning I got a message from my boss. Their sister in law has been suffering with a brain tumor for quite some time.  She asked me yesterday if I would be available at a moment's notice this week because it didn't look good.  This morning they realized that if they wanted to see her again before she passed they had to go today so she asked if I could handle things while they traveled to see her.  I started to cry for this woman I had never met.  I cried for her husband and her family.  Even though they have been preparing for the worst I am sure the finality of it was hitting like a ton of bricks.  In an instant....it's over.  

This week marks the anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today would have been their 64th wedding anniversary.  During that time I remember vividly sleeping on their couch and being woken up out of a sound sleep with the sick feeling in my stomach that my mom was going to die.  I thought Oh My God how does she feel knowing that these are her last days?  What does that feel like?  I am crying now as I cried then.  How scary!  But is it?  When you've been suffering for so long are you scared or are you peaceful?  All I know is that one moment she was breathing and the next she wasn't.  In an instant life changed.  It ended for her and it changed for the rest of us. 

So remember....every moment is precious....because in the next? It can all change, for better or worse.  Be grateful for every breath you take and don't ever take that for granted.  And if this moment isn't actually one of the best don't worry....miracles happen every day and it can all change in a moments time....in a day in the life...... 

Like a bolt out of the blue, suddenly it comes to you...When you wish upon a star

Magical...stick with me...there's a point to my rambling.  Promise! 

I work for a property management company in Orlando.  I went in to check a house after vacationers had checked out.  There were 2 balloons floating at the top of the vaulted ceiling.  I contacted my colleagues and told them they would need to bring a ladder over because there was no other way to retrieve them.  I mentioned that I had always wanted one of those balloons since I was a little girl.  When we went to Disney for the first time last year after becoming resident pass holders I mentioned to my daughter that I had always wanted one of those balloons.  She looked at me with a big question mark on her face and said "Ummmm, why don't you just get one mama?"  I laughed and said that ship has sailed, I don't need it now I'm a grown ass woman.  It would be silly to buy one now.  I told her that when she and her brothers were little and we would go to Disney I secretly hoped one of them would ask for one because then I could have it too, but they were never interested.  It's pretty typical of my personality, it seemed so frivolous to waste money on a silly balloon no matter how much I was always drawn to it.  Here I was 46 years after the first time I had seen one still wanting it! 

Today I went to my bosses house to get it ready for the next guests and low and behold there was the balloon, waiting for me. They had sent me a picture of it the other day and I assumed it was to show me that they were able to get it down from the ceiling but no....they left it for me.  I finally have my wish fulfilled.  And then it hit me.....no matter how long it takes for a wish to come true you have to have faith that it will.

I came home holding my treasure, smiling probably larger than I would have even as a 7 year old little girl.  My kids laughed and said HA! You got one.  Did you go to Disney without us????  I said No!  It's from one of the houses!  And my son said "See, your prayer was finally answered and you got your wish!"  I looked at him with wide eyes and I said "That's EXACTLY it! " 

And so....I'm passing this on to you.  I'm sure it seems silly and like I'm reaching but I am telling you when I saw that balloon I felt a peace in my soul that life is unfolding exactly as it's supposed to.  And as I typed that "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on my speaker, as a confirmation from my mom. No matter what it is your heart desires if you keep on believing it will come to you.....don't give up!  Your happily ever after and dreams come true are there waiting....you just need to believe and be patient and accept that it's not always exactly the way you imagined it, but it's perfect nonetheless.  And today was so much more than just a day in the life......

Sunshine on my shoulders....makes me happy....

 I woke up this morning and I was transported back to 1970.  When I would wake up on Valentines day to presents from my daddy.  I was on the phone with my sister and I just started sobbing.  This boy of mine....he's a man now....just never ceases to amaze me.  He is so strong and wise beyond his years.  He has a heart that knows no bounds.  His love for us and his fiance is priceless.  I often wonder that he puts way too much pressure on himself but he is happiest when he is making others happy. I just described myself.

 The letter he wrote me is one that every mother should strive to receive.  I am always telling him he gives me way too much credit for my place in his life.  He insists he doesn't love everyone and he doesn't give out freebies!  He has shown that recently...he holds people accountable for their actions. But, I'll take it....even for today because my heart could use a band-aid and this healed it.   It's proof that everything can change overnight.  Today is the beginning of Happy Valentines days from now on.  No more mourning what is lost. He begged me to not stop being me...to not stop loving the way I love and to never stop having his back, because he needs me. He says we have to celebrate the team we are and how strong our family is to have survived the things we've survived.  We HAVE been through hell and back and we are bonded together tighter for it.  He left a bag for his sister and her letter was started as "To the sister I prayed for"  ....when he was a little 4 year old he would kneel by his bed every night and press his tiny little fingers together and say "Dear God, please let me have a sister".  Whenever my daughter is torturing him she says, "Dear God, LET me have a sister!  And HERE I am!!!!"  It makes me realize that even though we're missing a link we are still a strong chain.  We added a link, my future daughter in law, and she is right there with us during it all.  We will continue to add to our chain or team as my son called it and we will continue to weather life's ups and downs....together.  And my sister reminded me this morning of something I have preached many times....God has it.  I need to stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on the things I do.  Wow....she's probably the only person who can say that to me without me getting my panties in a bunch 😎  But she shook me out of my sadness.  Enough!

Yes, today was a horrible, tragic day 3 years ago.  Probably one of the worst of my life.  Yes, my life isn't what I hoped it would be at this moment in time but so what?  It's pretty damn good.  And through it all God will hold us in the palm of his hand and never let us fall...because after all....it's just a day in the life.

We're after the same rainbows end....waitin' round the bend.....

Valentines Day for many is a day to celebrate love.  To show the world how much your significant other and the other people in your life mean to you.  For me?  It's become a day of loss.  A day of pain and a day of suffering.  No.  Not because I don't have a Valentine.  Because of the things that have occurred on this day in 2015 and the years following.  It seems impossible to remember the happy days when I was a young girl when I'd wake up to candy and an adorable stuffed animal from my daddy.  When I'd come home from school with armloads of valentines from classmates.  From my high school years when my boyfriends would spoil me with gifts and signs of affection.  From the years that I would work so hard to make Valentines day special for my kids and their classmates.  Was that even this lifetime?  I can't remember.  For me it's a day of pain and sorrow.  It's a day of shutting down and tears and primal sobs. My son is determined that this year he will begin to celebrate Valentines day again...he and his fiance are off of work and school and they're going to Disney and have a magical day.  Good for HIM!  It's time he begins to break this darkness. My daughter on the other hand came to me the other day and said Mommy I can't go to school on Wednesday, please don't make me.  I immediately thought of the boy she likes and thought she was trying to avoid the disappointment that not getting that message would bring.  I was preparing my great mom speech about self love when she burst into tears about her brother and her YaYa.  Shit. Wow.  Now what?  Selfishly I was thinking I was the only one who felt it every year.  I was hoping to have that time while she was in school to suffer alone and wallow in my own pain and heartbreak.  Well, misery loves company I suppose.  She assured me the dance was Tuesday and she would, of course, go to that.  Okay then.  Sobfest 2018 table for two please?  I realized I'd have to put the mask on and be there for her.  I can't fall apart because she's falling apart. 

I dropped her at school this morning and she was wearing this beautiful maroon dress that she didn't get to wear to her cousin's engagement party and Wow.  She looked stunning....my baby girl.  All grown up...I missed it.  I feel like I've missed so much, I have forgotten what it was like when she was little.  It seems she grew up overnight.  There is a hint of sadness around her that shouldn't be there!  She should be happy and moody and all teenage like.  She has had so many people let her down already in her 14 years it crushes me!  I fear what her future relationships will look like because the men in her life have given her nothing to trust.  Except one of her brothers.  He is her rock.  He is her standard that I pray she holds all other men to.  They are so close...they speak a language only they understand.  His fiance and I look at each other with giant question marks when they are speaking and laughing so hard they can't breathe.  He is the only light in her bleak vision of the male gender.  I pray she holds onto that. I pray she realizes that sometimes peoples actions and words do align. I pray she knows that it's possible for her to trust that no matter what she'll find someone like that who will not let her down.

So, I woke up this morning and allowed myself the emotions that February has come to represent.  I listened to "Moon River" by Andy Williams and let the sadness that has overcome my life recently to roll down my cheeks.  The ache in my heart to just come out of my throat and just feel it.  I have to.  I have suppressed it for far too long.  I cried out to my mom to please please help me...She has worked so many miracles in my life since she has passed but I don't think she's able to fix what's broken this time. It's time for me to realize that nothing will ever be what it once was just a short time ago. Sometimes loving people isn't enough.  Sometimes you have to let them go. You can reach out and show your love and support but if that love and support isn't wanted or needed there isn't much you can do.  Sometimes the way you love isn't the love that a person needs. I must admit that with everything I have experienced in my life nothing hurts more than being shut out of someone's life without warning or discussion or closure of any kind. I can deal with pretty much anything except that.  When I said goodbye to my mother 3 years ago tomorrow I at least knew it was most likely the last time I would see her. But once I know I've done everything I can I need to let it go.  My knees are bruised from constant prayer and that I will never stop.  My faith in God and His plan for my life is strong.  I don't see it or understand it but I trust it.  I know that He is with us during this time and He will continue to be, because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways...wishing you were here

It's February.  Already.  I have never been a huge fan of January or February but these past 3 years they have been even worse.  I can't believe it's been nearly 3 years since I said goodbye to my mom.  I do my best not to dwell on the sadness and negativity surrounding that time and I think about how my family came together and we celebrated her life and supported each other through it.  But after watching This is Us on Sunday night and having a conversation with my creme filling son yesterday the emotion was really raw.

My younger kids miss my mom tremendously.  I feel badly because I know they don't talk about it as much as they normally would because I am so emotional about it.  I miss her so much.  Just last week I actually thought I need to call mommy.  And then these waves of sadness took over my body and I couldn't stop the tears.  She's gone dummy you can't call her!  I need her right now. I need someone who looks at me like I hung the moon....someone I don't need to be strong for, someone who just loves me and doesn't need anything from me and who I can't disappoint...someone who would defend me tooth and nail with no thought.  I need my mommy.

When she first passed away I was totally fine.  I thought, hmmm why do people act like it's the end of the world.  It's not like I saw her every day....it's not that bad.  As time passed the pain got worse.  I think I remembered every negative thing about my mom at the beginning as a protection for myself.  There was so much other stuff going on in my life I didn't have time for more sorrow.  But as time healed those wounds the wound of my mom's death seemed to open up.  Each milestone with my kids was like salt in that open wound.  Wanting to share it with her and I can't.  My son is getting married and so is my niece.  My Godson is expecting his first child....these are all HUGE things that my mom would be over the moon excited about!  When I think of my son's wedding and her not being there it makes me physically hurt.  She adored him....she had a very very special relationship with him....and he with her.  The thought of a picture on a table replacing her physical being is painful to me.  My son and daughter talk about her all the time...ALL the time.  She is a constant fixture in my home.  If she only knew how many YaYaism's there were. How many times they say "YaYa would HATE that!"  or "YaYa would be rolling on the floor over that"... I know she knows....I feel her with us.  I am fortunate enough to be able to hear her and talk to her, but it's not enough.  I want her HERE.  I want to smell her.  I want to hold her hand and laugh with her.  I want to tell her how much I understand about what she must have felt while we were becoming adults.

This also leads me to think about my oldest son....my first born....if you would have ever told me we would be estranged I would have thought you were crazy.  But here we are.  I am relieved that my mother isn't physically here to see that.  It would break her heart.  My creme filling son and I were discussing it yesterday and it hurts me more I think that my kids aren't talking to each other more than it hurts that my son turned his back on me.  Being a parent of adult children is harder than any sleepless night, stomach virus, ear infection, flu, playground altercation or anything else you go through when they're little.  Last week my daughter had an issue at school and I went in and handled it.  I was her hero---mommy fixed it.  Damn, I miss those days when I could FIX things.  I can't fix this, any of this.  I can't bring their beloved YaYa back....I can't make my children speak to each other...I can't heal the disappointments or disagreements.  When they were little I'd make them stay in the gameroom for 24 hours together until they worked it out.  They hated me for it but it worked!  I can't do that anymore.  I'm helpless....not a good look for a mama bear like me.  But....what I can do is get on my knees and pray every night for God to fix it.  I can beg my mom to watch over them and nudge them in the right direction.  That's all I can do and I hope it's enough.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

and as if by magic my phone went off......and this is what I found.  Can't make this stuff up.