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My younger kids miss my mom tremendously. I feel badly because I know they don't talk about it as much as they normally would because I am so emotional about it. I miss her so much. Just last week I actually thought I need to call mommy. And then these waves of sadness took over my body and I couldn't stop the tears. She's gone dummy you can't call her! I need her right now. I need someone who looks at me like I hung the moon....someone I don't need to be strong for, someone who just loves me and doesn't need anything from me and who I can't disappoint...someone who would defend me tooth and nail with no thought. I need my mommy.
When she first passed away I was totally fine. I thought, hmmm why do people act like it's the end of the world. It's not like I saw her every day....it's not that bad. As time passed the pain got worse. I think I remembered every negative thing about my mom at the beginning as a protection for myself. There was so much other stuff going on in my life I didn't have time for more sorrow. But as time healed those wounds the wound of my mom's death seemed to open up. Each milestone with my kids was like salt in that open wound. Wanting to share it with her and I can't. My son is getting married and so is my niece. My Godson is expecting his first child....these are all HUGE things that my mom would be over the moon excited about! When I think of my son's wedding and her not being there it makes me physically hurt. She adored him....she had a very very special relationship with him....and he with her. The thought of a picture on a table replacing her physical being is painful to me. My son and daughter talk about her all the time...ALL the time. She is a constant fixture in my home. If she only knew how many YaYaism's there were. How many times they say "YaYa would HATE that!" or "YaYa would be rolling on the floor over that"... I know she knows....I feel her with us. I am fortunate enough to be able to hear her and talk to her, but it's not enough. I want her HERE. I want to smell her. I want to hold her hand and laugh with her. I want to tell her how much I understand about what she must have felt while we were becoming adults.
This also leads me to think about my oldest son....my first born....if you would have ever told me we would be estranged I would have thought you were crazy. But here we are. I am relieved that my mother isn't physically here to see that. It would break her heart. My creme filling son and I were discussing it yesterday and it hurts me more I think that my kids aren't talking to each other more than it hurts that my son turned his back on me. Being a parent of adult children is harder than any sleepless night, stomach virus, ear infection, flu, playground altercation or anything else you go through when they're little. Last week my daughter had an issue at school and I went in and handled it. I was her hero---mommy fixed it. Damn, I miss those days when I could FIX things. I can't fix this, any of this. I can't bring their beloved YaYa back....I can't make my children speak to each other...I can't heal the disappointments or disagreements. When they were little I'd make them stay in the gameroom for 24 hours together until they worked it out. They hated me for it but it worked! I can't do that anymore. I'm helpless....not a good look for a mama bear like me. But....what I can do is get on my knees and pray every night for God to fix it. I can beg my mom to watch over them and nudge them in the right direction. That's all I can do and I hope it's enough.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.
and as if by magic my phone went off......and this is what I found. Can't make this stuff up.
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