Well you have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it's time you won

 This blog post is for women...mainly moms who have adult children (isn't that an oxymoron).  If you are not a woman or if you haven't reached the age of having most of your life behind you, this is not for you.

Hi, now that it is just us - how are you?  No REALLY how are you?

 Why is that such a difficult question to answer honestly?  Fine.  Not bad.  Hanging in there.  Can't complain. I could ask any of my female friends or relatives that question and I would get some kind of response like that.  Most of us are not, however fine. Most of us are hanging on by a thread - but will we admit it freely?  Most likely not to a lot of people.  Either because we can't really explain how we feel or we think no one cares OR most likely we don't want to burden anyone else with our true feelings.  I am fortunate.  I have several people that I can actually tell how I am feeling and they tell me back.  This sisterhood is sacred.  We don't ever judge one another, we usually can relate and if we can't, then we honestly say - I don't know how you do it because I am not so sure I could!  I have had these conversations a lot lately.  Life is constantly changing yet it feels so redundant - can you relate?  I feel blessed to have confidants in my life that I have been blessed to know for decades if not more.  One of these precious souls, my cousin JM is battling a terminal diagnosis.  We talk pretty much every day and while I cannot pretend to know what she goes through and I pray I never will - we can both discuss anything and everything and can usually get the other one to see the light in a situation.  She knows me better than most people and she holds a mirror to my face if I need it.  Most of my tribe I don't speak to as often, but I can rely on them always!  My sister from another mister came into my life when our kids were at varying ages - we met through a disastrous mom's group and the only good thing that came out of that was our friendship.  She has been there for me during every phase of life.  When I was in Florida

taking care of my mom in the last days of her life and I couldn't get back to Arizona fast enough - she was there - in an instant she stepped up and stepped in.  We had a falling out at one point and hadn't spoken for a long time- she picked up the phone and called me at her wits end and I got in my car and went to meet her.  Last year when I couldn't get to Arizona fast enough yet again, she dropped everything and went shopping for formula and diapers for my newborn granddaughter while her mother was in the hospital so that my son would not have to worry about it.  I got to see her a few times in person in the last year, and it is the most comforting feeling to have someone who knows you, supports you and you can count on - no matter what!  I texted her recently about a situation and she was so angry FOR me and so indignant I had to pick up the phone and call her because she made me go from tears to laughter in minutes from her texts.  I am in the process of planning a road trip with my cousin Robyn - we decided it was time for us to figure out who we are and what we like before we are too old to do it!  We've been going through this for years, her adult sons have recently all moved home and she is realizing too that it is time for her to figure out what brings her joy.   I could go on and on with stories like these about these fabulous women who I am blessed to know.  One thing we all have in common is navigating this next phase of life after devoting most of our adult years to raising children.  It became our identity - what do we like to do?  Beats me - I spent a nearly two decades homeschooling, volunteering at schools, at more baseball fields than I can count, the dance studio, cheer competitions and living in my car going to all these places.  In between there was teaching CCD, teaching them how to drive, visiting colleges, moving them into colleges, moving them out of colleges, surgeries, illnesses, proms, homecomings, car issues, the list goes on.  Who had time to think about what we liked to do?  Did it matter? And now?  Now there is time - somedays too much time and we need to figure out what to do with it.

My older son is turning 32 this week.  He mentioned how I fulfilled my childhood prophecy when I gave birth to him (becoming a mom) and now....it's my time.  He is what prompted this post.  He asked me - what do I want?  (interesting - he is the one that asked me if I was happy in 2010 which made me first start questioning that) He told me my mission in the world is complete, now it's my turn. Well, that is very scary at the moment because I am clueless as to what comes next.  But at least I am not alone.  I have an army of fabulous women who are in the same place and together we will figure it out - we always do!  And until then, it will be just a day in the life.

Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy

Two blogs in one week?  It's not possible!  However, the more things change the more they stay the same.  I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me this week and it's not a feeling I am used to anymore.  I have created a very peaceful, calm existence for myself and it has taken me years to cultivate.  There have been a lot of goodbyes, see ya later or never to get me to this point and I am okay with that.  There is peace in letting go of situations and relationships that just make you feel....well badly---or less than---or unimportant.  I always know when it's time to move on from a person or a situation.  When it is causing me more pain or sadness than anything else than it doesn't belong in my life anymore.  There are, however, certain things that I can't get away from no matter how hard I try.  I have gotten better at blocking out the affect these things have on me, however - just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.  Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me or sometimes consume me.

There are the mornings like this when I wake up to text messages that make my heart drop and my stomach twist in knots.  Texts that used to cripple me and have me in a panic for days....weeks even.  But I have responsibilities that can't just be ignored and I have to show up and be "on".  It's funny, my daughter mentioned yesterday the first trip that we took solo that began the years of us being "travel buddies".  She mentioned how it was so fun.  I laughed and said "If you only knew what was going on in my head and my nerves were on the outside of my body" (we were going to Florida to take care of  my mom and take her to her radiation appointments) I was leaving my 15 year old son and my 19 year old son home alone in Arizona -  Seems like not such a big deal right?  Well it was - they did not get along and my 19 year old was not reliable.)  Add that to the fact that I knew my mother was dying.  No one else wanted to believe me, but I knew it in my soul.  It made me realize that I am pretty good at hiding my inner turmoil apparently.  I smiled through the whole week and no one would ever have known how truly overwhelmed and anxious I was inside.  I became really good at that because 5 years before that my middle son (at 10 years old) had cancer.  That's when I really mastered the art of smiling on the outside and crumbling on the inside.  

It seems like a great thing to be able to cope with things while smiling and not bringing the rest of the world down, but is it?  I am not so sure.  But it was necessary, as I had 3 children to protect and also I despise pity.  NEVER tell me you feel sorry for me because I will lose my shit.  So----I learned to wear the mask and it became quite comfortable.  It became my persona.  Only a very few select people got to see the disfigured human underneath that mask.  She was not a pretty sight.  I don't like her if I am being honest, she's weak.  No thank you. I don't do weak or pity - yuck - so unattractive.  For me!  In others I can sympathize, empathize, commiserate - I don't expect anyone to be like me.  I am not so sure it's healthy, honestly.  This week is showing me that.  This morning I  let it all out in a phone call and I allowed myself to be raw and vulnerable.  I admitted I have no clue how to feel or what to do or how I am going to get through it.  But I will.  I always do.  But it is really comforting to have someone who just gets it!  Who says - I put myself in your shoes and I feel sick to my stomach!  Yes!  THANK YOU!  That's exactly it.  And also - I don't know what to tell you because I have no idea what I would do!  Yes!  THANK YOU again!  I don't expect anyone to fix what's going on - it's not fixable.  But coupled with the fact that this week has shown me that I am always having to cave to other people's ways of doing things with no regard to how it affects ME - is just too much!  

I feel betrayed by some, I feel neglected and dismissed by others, I feel used and taken for granted by others still.  But what will I do?  I will carry on, put a smile on my face and do what needs to be done one day at a time.  And I will find ways to drizzle joy into those days because life is too short!  2025 is halfway over already!  So I will love the people who love me back, find a way to move on from situations that seem to hurt me no matter what I do to avoid it and I will adjust the mask when it's necessary and take it off when I feel safe.  At this moment, it is truly just a day in the life-

Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Wake me up when September ends.....

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last month while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

I'm still confused when I think about what state I'm in....where I'm from....this adjustment is still happening.  It's frustrating to me.  I don't like limbo.  I don't like feeling uneasy or unsettled.  But there's a lesson in this I'm sure.  I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, to be quite honest.  I told my sister the other day that I feel like a worn out security blanket that they keep putting back into the washing machine to get another use out of.  You know what I'm talking about...the one that's in tattered shreds and is barely held together?  Yea, that one.  My kids have been really good about understanding that I'm hanging by a thread.  Their compassion for how much I've been through in the past year and a half is really a testament to the type of people I've raised.  It makes me so happy to see.  They love me, no matter what frazzled state I'm in.  I'm sure they are looking forward to the time when their mom is back in full force....and stays that way.  Guess what?  So am I!  I don't like feeling weak.  I don't like being unhappy and I hate complaining.  So I shut down.  It's the only way I know how to cope with all of this.  I trick my mind into believing things that my heart might not agree with.  This has helped me throughout my life to avoid feeling pain or sadness.  I think that mechanism is malfunctioning because at this point in my life it's making me feel weak.  Like I should just face it and move on.  But I just can't do it.  I tried.  I let that wall down for a while and allowed myself to try to work through pain and sadness and anxiety (yes, that's a new one for me) but I just can't do it anymore.  Not when I don't have an end in sight.  Whenever my kids and I would say good bye to our family we would always be fine when we knew when we would see them again---even if that time was almost a year away---we were ok, we knew there was an end to the time apart.  At this moment in time I have no end in sight to these feelings, so the only way to stop them is to shut them off.

I took my first road trip with my daughter yesterday to see my dad.  I would love to say it was the fun exciting trip I think she wanted but it wasn't.  We have the dogs with us and Roxie cried for the first hour of the trip, I slipped and fell at the rest stop, we hit a horrific rain storm.....you get the drift.  Then I walked into my dad's home and it hit me yet again.  She's not here.  He rearranged the furniture when my brother was here last week and I felt angry. NO! mommy put it that way it has to stay!  A far cry from where I was earlier this year thinking it was good that my dad was wanting to change things.  He has a shrine set up to her.....I lost it.  I had to go into the bathroom because I didn't want him or my daughter to see it.  That was a big mistake because all the memories of my the times I spend in front of that mirror with my mom.  I had to shut it down.  I put on the mask and joined them in the living room.  Then my daughter was talking to her brother at college and the tears came again.  I miss him.  I talk to him every day most of the time texting all day too but I miss him. Then I got a text from my oldest son checking on me.  He asked if there was anything I wanted him to do before I got home.  I told him one thing.  He sent me a picture showing me it was already done.  Tears.  Again.  I want so badly to be my usual happy self.  I miss crying happy tears.  I miss being able to deal with whatever life throws me without skipping a beat.  September sucks.  My spiritual friends keep telling me there's a weird energy, mercury retrograde blah blah blah. I'm sure they're right but I don't like to place blame on anything but me.  I'm in control of my actions and feelings.  People telling me that I've been through so much is getting old, I just want to feel better and be happy.

So, today I begin going to back to my meditation schedule, my morning and evening gratitude and living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  Tomorrow isn't promised, I know this, so every day I want to be able to say if it was my last one on earth that I would be satisfied with it.  And after all.....it's just a day in the life.