What am I waiting for?

I've changed so much in the last 10 years I barely recognize myself sometimes.  A lot of the changes were gradual, but in the last year they have been rapid.  Most of the changes are easy to handle---I'm calmer, I don't yell like I used to, I maintain a positive outlook about most things, I've become financially mature and don't buy frivolous items anymore hoping to fix the sadness I used to feel.  These are all good things and happy changes.  Some of my changes have been more uncomfortable and harder for those around me to accept. I no longer feel guilty when I have to say no to someone (ok, to my kids yes--but I'm working on that).  I don't feel that I have to justify my responses anymore or go into detail when I decline someones offer or suggestion.  These are difficult changes for me but they are necessary and I am happier having done them.

I've been told that I'm my own worst enemy.  I hold myself back from so much, and it's true!  While trying to practice the Law of Attraction and manifest certain situations in my life I believe I was too focused on them and therefore kept them away.  Or maybe what I wanted wasn't in the cards for me---maybe God didn't plan for me to have it.  Maybe it was just a learning experience, something to teach me something about myself.  Well, it certainly did that.  I've been working on letting go, releasing what no longer serves me and finding my higher purpose.  However, that being said, the last week I have been consumed with helping my parents and trying to get answers from my mother's doctors and taking her to appointments etc. While sitting in the waiting rooms of these offices, surrounded by people battling cancer I retreated.  I tried to hide my head in the sand and pretend my family wasn't facing this situation again.  I was almost successful.

Today, I got the first copy of my book.  When I held it in my hand something changed inside of me.  As I flipped through the pages and wept with Danny and felt this exhilaration inside of me---it changed.  I realized I was doing it all wrong!  People were fighting for their lives every day, every minute and I was waiting to start mine.  What was I waiting for?  Danny made a comment last week about people who smoke or drink or just waste their lives and how it is like spitting in his face after he fought so hard to live.  I agreed.  It never occurred to me that by doing nothing but waiting in my life I was doing the same damn thing!

There is a man on the same radiation schedule as my mom.  All week he has come in with a big smile on his face and a cheery good morning on his lips.  He leaves with a big wave to everyone waiting and warm wishes for a great day.  He knows.  He knows that life is precious.  He knows that tomorrow isn't promised.  I can guarantee you he isn't wasting a moment waiting for something that may never happen.  The last 5 years I have been waiting to publish that book.  I kept saying, "well once the book is done"  or "I need to work on the book" and put off so much in the meantime.  There was a time that I was so happy I couldn't bring myself to write the book--it took a lot out of me to relive that time in my life.  Then I was so focused on certain situations that I couldn't bring myself to focus on the book.  Well, it's finally finished and I had such a sense of accomplishment holding it in my hands!  And then I knew!  I can't wait anymore for anything to happen, I need to move forward and live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. I can't waste another day waiting for the happily ever after---today is the happily ever after and I'm creating it minute by minute.  I've spent too much time waiting---when I was younger it was when I get married.  Then it was when I have a baby.  Then, when I have a house......the list goes on.  There is always something that we will be longing for, something that we wish we had---don't stop living your life in the meantime.  The people who are in your life are there for a reason and those who don't want to be aren't meant to be and there are new people just waiting to burst into your world and fill it with sunshine----but in the meantime enjoy every moment!!!!

Silence is Golden...

As I evolve and change and become more in tuned with the Law of Attraction and my angels and just the person I am inside I am getting more impatient with those that are not where I am.  It's not a good thing but I have no doubt that it is part of my growth process and a necessary one.  I need to learn to be silent.  I need to learn that not everything requires a response or a comment.  This is extremely difficult for me.  I am a talker.... I am a fixer.....I am a conversationalist.....but right now that makes me argumentative.  People are pissing me off left and right.  My life at the moment is basically a total tornado.  There is so much negativity swirling around me and so many REAL issues that are life changing that peoples tiny little petty crap  that is self induced and insignificant is frustrating me to no end!

SILENCE


My angels scream it into my head daily.  I wish they would put my hand over my mouth and take the negative emotion of anger away from me.  I am learning to release control of things...this is like asking me to become a man --it's that difficult!  But I am doing it...making good progress and feeling great about it.  However, being in the company of people who are still trying to control every tiny detail of life and then deny that they are doing it is making me nuts!  Or worse than that, people who continuously do the same thing day in and day out and wonder "why does this keep happening to me?"  Oy vey.  I know it is time for me to take a step back from society and the people in my life while I go through this transformation and these crappy situations that have taken over my life right now.  I am spewing negativity and I hate that!  I have come so far and this set back is devastating me.  I don't like being the person who bitches all the time, I know that it just brings me more to bitch about---I just am having trouble stopping.  And the more I am around people the harder it is for me to be that positive person I've worked so hard to become.  I know that the time is coming that a lot of people will have to be removed from my life in order for me to move forward on the path that I want to travel....the path I am destined to travel.   It's just easier said than done.  I am a life vest for a lot of people.  I am the voice of reason, the one who can make them laugh and pick up their down moods.  Well that's great and I love doing it---but at some point I have to look at myself and say---who does that for me?  Those are the people that I need to surround myself with.  Where are they?  I'm not going to attract them if I keep surrounding myself with negative Nellys/Neds.  This has happened before in my life....whenever you change and grow then some of the "excess" needs to fall away---that excess is negative people or people that just make me feel negative emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, and the one I feel the most---used and taken advantage of).  It's never easy, but it is necessary and I know this.  And the more I trust in God and ask Him to bring me a certain kind of person the more He delivers.  I am manifesting good things all the time.  I just need to be quicker to release what no longer serves me in my path to my higher self.  I'm stubborn, and working on it.

In the meantime....silence is golden and I need to learn to just BE QUIET!  Keep my thoughts to myself and not share every one with the world.  I'm a work in progress and I know I will love the finished result.....