Look how much time it took to get right here, but God's timing is perfect

 
Today is the end of an era.  My baby got her driver's license. Now I need to buy a new car because this one is hers and it has been hers since 2021, she just couldn't drive it alone. Some might say well she's 21 what took so long.  And to those I say - zip it skippy!  You have no idea!  So I will tell you.  I will remind you that God's timing is perfect and everything happens exactly when it's meant to and not a moment sooner.  So here we go.

Anyone who has driven in that state of Florida can attest that they are the worst drivers around.  The I4 is the most dangerous highway in the country.  And they let kids get their licenses at 16 years old.  Um, no.  Not in my world.  My sons were both licensed in Arizona where I believe it was 16 also.  They did not get their licenses until I felt they were ready.  My daughter was no different.  My oldest and youngest were both very nervous behind the wheel.  My middle son was born to drive, there was no hesitation at all.  I never wanted to teach my children how to drive.  I am not a very good teacher of things I have been doing practically my whole life.  But there was no one else so I had to.  But my daughter - well I tried to get my son and daughter in law to teach her, but she was really so anxious and it didn't work.  So, I offered to get her driving lessons - nope - she was having none of that.  So....we waited.  I was praying for someone to come along and take this task off my hands, but no one was coming to rescue me.  Luckily, she was in no hurry to get her license so it never was a big issues.  When we moved from Florida to South Dakota something just clicked.  She got behind the wheel the first time here and it was like she had been driving her whole life.  There was no anxiety, there was no hesitation, she just did it.  Which leads me to the point of this blog....when it's time (God's time) nothing will stand in the way.  If you try to force things that are not in God's timing you will be met with obstacles and challenges and you will still get there if you're meant to - however it will be a tedious journey.

Surrendering everything to God's timing is second nature for me.  But I had a conversation with my dearfriend the other day about trusting God to provide when you've spent most of your life being the person who provided for everyone else is not easy.  I get that.  For them the issue was financial - worrying about how to pay for things when there is just not enough money coming in.  I spent most of my marriage telling my ex that God will provide and he would be furious with me, called me Pollyanna, Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, several other not so nice things that I will not repeat.  It was then that I started to realize my faith wasn't something everyone had.  My daddy instilled so much faith in me and I didn't realize it then.  He was not big on the bible or religion and his lessons felt more like just life wisdom than instilling faith, but looking back I realize that my dad really was a man of God (how I miss that man every day!)  Side note, my daughter put on her ring with her Pop's dates on it alone today because she knew she needed just Pop to be with her while she drove the car he left her almost 4 years ago - he is the father every girl should have.    Back to God's timing.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were saying that when you pray for something and it takes a really long time for God to answer, or maybe God just answers with a no - that is protection.  Last week an amazing event unfolded so magically that I just couldn't help but be in AWE of how God took a cancelled appointment and made it into this magical event that put me where I needed to be at just the right time and an encounter with people that were definitely meant to be in my life and it was just such a God moment that I am not going to write about, at some point I will do a video about it - and it led to another meeting the next day that was completely unrelated but God meshed them together.  Mind-blowing.  If you look back at your life to certain times when you were told no by God or redirected and now it all makes sense, it should remind you that God's timing is perfect and you are not late or behind you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Unless of course you are stubborn and don't listen and keep procrastinating - then....well then....God will forcibly move you or make life SO uncomfortable until you wind up where you are meant to.  Trust - total reliance upon spiritual timing.  And these days?  They are not just a day in the life.

Hush little baby don’t you cry, momma’s gonna love you all your life

I sent this to all three of my adult children today.  My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry

too.  He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest).  He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself  up for not being perfect.  Wow.  Who says kids don’t know anything?  It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child.  That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old.  It took me way longer to see that.  And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did.  I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not.  But I strived to be I suppose.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise.  I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes.  Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember.  So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect.  I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible.  I still do.  And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore.  As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow.  Well I didn’t sign up for that!  She’s right I know.  Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night.  As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway.  I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why?  I am fine!  HA!  Sorry mom - I get it now.  Oh boy do I get it.

My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life.  I told him - peace, love and joy.  I used to say happiness - but I want joy again.  I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t

always possible so when they are I embrace them.  But I do cry a LOT.  Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here.  I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here.  But, I know God had other plans.  Every day I just feel so grateful to live here.  I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts.  And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path.  I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is.  I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing!  I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.

I have never dreamt a lot that I remember.  But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up.  So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW!  It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on.  Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on.  (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned.  People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring.  Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses.  Well talk about feeling called out!  I thought I had let go of all that!  I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment.  But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.

Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them.  It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate.  The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning.  Ok, well that went well.  I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time.  Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection.  Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way.  It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me.  Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.

You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!

I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit...

 

How many times have I heard; you are SO strong.  You are SO brave.  Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.  I get it.  I am the epitome of Mary sunshine.  At least that's what is  shown to the world.  The handful of people that I reveal my true self to know differently.  I ugly cry.  I feel the agony of heartbreak.  Most people don't know that, my circle is extremely small.  Also, in all fairness I rarely stay in a place of despair for long.  It is just not who I am.  I can find the bright side and silver lining in pretty much any situation.  There are a few that I have trouble with.  And those are ones that I cannot change....because if I could, I most certainly would. That is why people say I am strong.  Because so help me God (and He does!) if I can change something I am unhappy with, damn straight I do!  Unfortunately, there are some things that are out of my control - those are the things that make me ugly cry.  That make me feel like I truly can't make it through another day with this pain and heartache -----yet somehow, I do.  What choice do I have?  If I could change it - I would.  But I can't - so I won't.   Make sense?  

Most people are too afraid to change things when they are unhappy with it.  Very sad to me.  Living in a place of unhappiness or negativity or despair or loneliness is such a waste to me.  Nothing is as scary as staying stuck in that place of misery.  I think most people are so accustomed to it that they think it's normal.  Well, it could be worse, right? Well, everyone is unhappy right?  Who is happy most of the time?  Ummmm I am!  And I can tell you why and how, but you don't want to know.  Right?  Because if you are in that place, you don't want to change it or you would have already.  It is not rocket science.  It just takes faith and hope - I think both are so easy to utilize...however I don't think it is for most people.  I am blessed I suppose. My faith in God and "meant to be" and His power over my life is my saving grace.  I suppose most people don't have that.  If they did, they certainly would not settle into the mundane existence they live in.

Change is inevitable, right?  If we don't grow, we die.  I think a lot of people are terrified of change. 

What if I screw it up?  I can't do that - how can I do that?  My question is - how can you not?  How can you live each day feeling anything less than happy?  My daughter said to me the other day - "it's so annoying (she was laughing) I cannot even get mad about stuff anymore because I know it is all working out the way it is supposed to". Thank God that side of me rubbed off on her and my creme filling son.  He was super unhappy last year in his career and business.  Did he wallow in it?  Nope.  He did what he needed to do to change that situation and although it took longer than he would have liked - he knew it would happen exactly when it was meant to.  It makes me feel like even with all the screw ups I made as a parent - this is something I am extremely proud to have passed on to them.  Is life simple or easy for them - hell no!  They have stuff that comes up just like everyone else.  But they choose to change the things they can and pray on whatever they cannot. 

And before you grumble to yourself that I don't understand your situation - maybe I don't.  However, I have been dealt a hell of a lot of shit in my life (abusive relationships, childhood cancer, bankruptcy twice, mental illness, death of both of my parents to cancer, divorce, getting back into the workplace after 18 years without a college degree, moving across the country and back, alienation from people I love - you get the drill) yet I wake up every day and I am grateful for the good in my life.  Wow just typing all that made me depressed I am not gonna lie.  Maybe I am delusional....maybe I just don't really think about all I have been dealt.  People will say that is why I can be happy.  Well, what other choice is there?  I could not change any of those things - (except the divorce, I chose that, and I did that to make life better for myself and ultimately my children) so am I supposed to just sit in that misery?  What a waste of life.  So why are you?  Can you change your circumstances?  Are you living in a place of resentment or obligation or a life full of shoulds?  There is where it needs to change!  If you are holding onto unforgiveness or any of the ugly emotions that cause unhappiness - who are you hurting?  Not the person you need to forgive - not the job/boss/fill in the blank that you are resenting.  You are hurting yourself!  You need to learn to accept the apology you never got - you need to stop letting people take advantage of your kindness if that is causing resentment - and your job?  Please.   If you left tomorrow they would replace you without a second thought - find another job!  Life is too short to live in discomfort.

Faith is your secret weapon.  If you believe that God is real, then you need to trust that whatever He is putting on your heart is for your best interest.  I have written numerous times about times that I knew He was moving me to do things.  I never question it; I just do it.  And I have never been sorry.  Is life always easy?  No.  Do I know that better days are coming?  Yes.  Does that mean life will never get hard again?  No.  Here's what I suggest you do.  Take 30 minutes today and think about the main reason for your unhappiness/discomfort/sadness/despair or any other emotion that isn't making your life happy.  What is causing it?  Can you change it?  Then make a plan to do that.  If you can't change it - give it up to God.  And listen.  Feel.  What is He putting on your heart?  Follow that.  Make today not just a day in the life....I promise you won't regret it!

Sign, sign everywhere a sign, Do this - don't do that - can't you read the signs?

 

Signs.  I remember when I first started receiving signs from above.  I would be SO excited when I saw an angel number (1111, 222, 333, 444 etc) and it became such a confirmation for me.  Just like anything else in life, you become immune to that and it becomes just a normal occurrence.  I also question every single thing lately so signs are like a joke to me.  However, ever the optimist I was writing a letter to my mom last week and I asked her for a sign.  A big one.  I said I didn't even know what sign I wanted or what I wanted it to mean (super helpful Tee...great job).  Anyway, later that day my friend told me that she heard the song Moon River 3 different times that day and by a specific artist (ummm would it be Andy Williams?---duh). I knew that was my mom reaching out to me through her because ummm I am a bit of a sceptic these days.   She also sent another song that shocked the bejeezus out of me but ok....I got it.  Later that day someone else told me something that I knew immediately was from my mom.  I literally laughed out loud.  Ok ok I give....I know my mom is watching over me and handling things.  I said to my daughter - I wonder why Yaya sent the signs to other people?  To which she looked at me with a smirk (that actually looks so much like mine it was comical) Uhhhhh. HELLOOO!  You could ask for a giant purple tonka truck and you would see it and be like I'm not sure-----  Okay, okay - guilty as charged.  (Told you I am a bit sceptical as of late)

Fast forward to this weekend.  I took a different route than I normally take - lo and behold on the opposite side of the street was - you guessed it - a large purple truck parked on the side of the road - it's driver fishing off the bridge.  I said to my daughter - did I just see?  She's like yup.  I'm like we should check out the license plate to see if it means anything - should I turn around?  She's like I definitely think you should.  I made a U turn and there were no extra signs....ok well still, it was a sign.  When I turned back around I got stuck at a light and BAM in front of us was another sign.  We looked at eachother and I was like REALLY?  She said See and if you hadn't turned around you would not have seen that!  (Smartass - who told her she could be wiser than me?  I don't believe I gave permission).  So, on we went.  Did it give me any answers?  Hell no- I am still doubting.

There are so many signs that are universal to everyone (pennies from heaven, white feathers, cardinals for passed loved ones, butterflies, dragonflies, rainbows, hummingbirds) the list goes on.  Feel free to choose your own signs and watch the angels deliver.  Butterflies and rainbows were my signs from my mom - Eagles and bears for my dad.  But I have pushed for more significant ones because they seemed too easy.  And since I didn't listen to music the day I asked for the signs, my mom sent them through someone else.  So don't ever think your request is too difficult.  God, your angels and passed over loved ones are extremely powerful and they love to delight and surprise you!  Give it a test-you won't be disappointed.

One of my favorite signs was when God started putting it in my thoughts to homeschool.  It's funny how those little thoughts pop into your head out of nowhere.  We were on vacation and I was in the pool with my boys and I thought- I don't want this to end.  I want to be with them all the time.  And I thought why don't you homeschool - WHAAATT???  I was the PTA president and class mom extraordinaire what?  When we got home I reserved a book from the Library on meal planning.  What was there when I went to pick it up?  A book by the same author on - you guessed it- homeschooling.  OK did I leave the book at the library?  No! that would be embarrassing 🙄). My friend saw the book in the car and was like homeschooling?  I said yea no way I'm doing that!  God kept bringing me homeschooling people, signs, etc.   Finally I said ok fine - I gave Him 2 options - either I will see the teacher who I wanted my son to have the next year at church (We saw him almost every week). OR I will see the family that we met that homeschooled (have never seen them before). Yes - I was stacking the deck - sue me!  Well not only were 2 of the boys in that family Altar Servers that day but the ENTIRE family (iincluding grandparents!) was called up to present the gifts.  I started crying right there because God truly did deliver!  I have a TON of those stories - I actually forgot them until I started writing. 

So my point in all this drivel is that you need to pay attention to the signs.  They come from all places and things.  Just now my daughter started singing the song Georgy Girl..(one of my moms favorites!). and she's like, did this play this morning?  I'm like umm no---now it's stuck in both of our heads--thanks Mom!  Not sure what that one means but at least I know she's with us.  And that it's not just another day in the life!