The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......

Does it really matter?

Today is my daughter's 7th dance recital.  It went from being a one show deal to her being there all day and doing 3 shows and 12 dances.  It makes me reflect on the difference between then and now.  It makes me wonder if I don't care as much about things, or I've learned what's really important....I think it's the later.  When my kids were little I would become so obsessed with how they looked and what they wore and making sure everything was perfect.  Now, I realize, there is no such thing.

In an effort to make everything perfect, I often neglected to enjoy anything.  I would become so crazed and neurotic before a major holiday or event that I didn't ever remember to just be present.  That's all changed now.  I am able to finally live and go with the flow---it's so much better for everyone!  My kids are more relaxed, I am more relaxed---it's definitely more fun!  

With that being said, the old me rears her ugly, OCD head occasionally with her list of shoulds and her finger pointing at someone else who is doing it perfectly and look at how they LOOK.  There is the key word that shuts me down and flips me right back to relaxed mom.  They LOOK perfect.  Yes, that girls costume has way more accessories than mine does---so what?  Yes that little girls hair is perfectly done differently for each and every dance---so what?  Her make up is changed between numbers to match whatever costume is coming next----so what?  My daughter is HAPPY!  She is relaxed and able to be herself.  She doesn't WANT all that crap that I used to push on her.  If she ASKED me for all that, you know what---I would snap on my supermom cape and do the best I could to get it for her.  But she doesn't care about it.  It was ME that used to fuss and push and try to make it all "perfect"---meanwhile, it's supposed to be for her, right?  I think a lot of parents forget that.

My older son has returned from his second year of college and commented the other day that I am a total different parent to "those two" (his younger siblings) than I was to him.  I'm raising them differently he said.  He's right.  I'm a totally different person now.  I'm not all crazed and angry and frustrated and exhausted---well I AM still exhausted but I can handle that.  Plus, I'm divorced and I don't have a stressful, unhappy marriage weighing me down anymore.  I am free to be me!  I'm sorry he had the ubercrazyperfectionist mom---she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.  Everyone thought we had this perfect family---what I've come to realize is that everyone isn't living in my home.  Everyone is not living my life---I don't need to impress anyone!  And if there is anything that my oldest has taught me is that it is THEIR lives not mine to live.  I do my best to impose my morals and my opinion of right and wrong to them and raise them the way I feel will make them good, kind, decent human beings.  The rest is just for show and it's THEIR show, not mine---I want them to be happy not perfect.  As far as the rest.....does it really matter?

Silence is Golden...

As I evolve and change and become more in tuned with the Law of Attraction and my angels and just the person I am inside I am getting more impatient with those that are not where I am.  It's not a good thing but I have no doubt that it is part of my growth process and a necessary one.  I need to learn to be silent.  I need to learn that not everything requires a response or a comment.  This is extremely difficult for me.  I am a talker.... I am a fixer.....I am a conversationalist.....but right now that makes me argumentative.  People are pissing me off left and right.  My life at the moment is basically a total tornado.  There is so much negativity swirling around me and so many REAL issues that are life changing that peoples tiny little petty crap  that is self induced and insignificant is frustrating me to no end!

SILENCE


My angels scream it into my head daily.  I wish they would put my hand over my mouth and take the negative emotion of anger away from me.  I am learning to release control of things...this is like asking me to become a man --it's that difficult!  But I am doing it...making good progress and feeling great about it.  However, being in the company of people who are still trying to control every tiny detail of life and then deny that they are doing it is making me nuts!  Or worse than that, people who continuously do the same thing day in and day out and wonder "why does this keep happening to me?"  Oy vey.  I know it is time for me to take a step back from society and the people in my life while I go through this transformation and these crappy situations that have taken over my life right now.  I am spewing negativity and I hate that!  I have come so far and this set back is devastating me.  I don't like being the person who bitches all the time, I know that it just brings me more to bitch about---I just am having trouble stopping.  And the more I am around people the harder it is for me to be that positive person I've worked so hard to become.  I know that the time is coming that a lot of people will have to be removed from my life in order for me to move forward on the path that I want to travel....the path I am destined to travel.   It's just easier said than done.  I am a life vest for a lot of people.  I am the voice of reason, the one who can make them laugh and pick up their down moods.  Well that's great and I love doing it---but at some point I have to look at myself and say---who does that for me?  Those are the people that I need to surround myself with.  Where are they?  I'm not going to attract them if I keep surrounding myself with negative Nellys/Neds.  This has happened before in my life....whenever you change and grow then some of the "excess" needs to fall away---that excess is negative people or people that just make me feel negative emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, and the one I feel the most---used and taken advantage of).  It's never easy, but it is necessary and I know this.  And the more I trust in God and ask Him to bring me a certain kind of person the more He delivers.  I am manifesting good things all the time.  I just need to be quicker to release what no longer serves me in my path to my higher self.  I'm stubborn, and working on it.

In the meantime....silence is golden and I need to learn to just BE QUIET!  Keep my thoughts to myself and not share every one with the world.  I'm a work in progress and I know I will love the finished result.....