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Friday, February 24, 2017

And when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on,then remembering will have to do

A mere 24 months ago today my mother took her last breath on this earth.  It feels like decades.  I don't want to be that person who focuses on one day every year and mourns.  I have many days throughout the year that hit me about my mom.  My parent's anniversary just passed a few days ago.  Valentines day was the last day I saw her alive.  So basically February plain sucks in my world for now.  There are good points (there always are whether you see them or not is up to you) to this horrific month.  My kids and I talk about my mom a lot this month.  Last night we had a family dinner (which isn't as common as it used to be) and we all shared stories about her.  We cried.  My daughter is really struggling right now.  She was with me at the end taking care of her.  She walked her back and forth to the bathroom, brought her water and ice, cleaned up her spills from her unsteady hands, helped with her oxygen tank and sat with her at what would have been her last chemo treatment.  A lot for an 11 year old to deal with, especially because at the tender age of 5 she did it with her brother. It's coming out now in bits and pieces how hard it was for her.  My creme filling son has other things he deals with.  She's the only person who truly knew what he went through during cancer.  They had a few heart to hearts while she was sick and he misses her for so many other things too.  My oldest son shared memories of when he was little and would rise with the roosters and my mom would be in the bathroom doing her make up (she never slept I swear) and he'd sit and chat with her for an hour or so before everyone woke up.  We each have our own moments that stand out.  For me the memories come in bits and pieces.  A certain look.  Her laugh.  Her chastising me for speaking the truth (although she LOVED it!) with a "Tina bellina!" she'd say as she laughed because she knew what I said was truth.  I've become OBSESSED with the Wahlberg family because their mom, Alma, reminds me SO much of my mom.  The way she laughs, her reactions to things, her funny comments.  It's like having my mom here whenever I watch her on TV.

I was angry at her when she died.  I had a lot of pent up emotions and hurts that I never let out.  I didn't mourn for probably the first year.  I think I've written about that.  I've let go of all of that and just remembered the good things.  The other night while I watched "This is Us" it was all too much for me.  Seeing Randall's father in bed, riddled with cancer and the oxygen tube on his nose I lost my shit.  Well....I waited until my Lulu went to bed and THEN I lost my shit.  I looked over at her during that part and she had tears streaming down her face.  We exchanged a glance and I said "too familiar, huh Lu?"  she nodded.  After she went to sleep I sobbed like a child and my creme filling son just held me tight and let me.  I would like to be brave and strong and not let my kids see me like that, but it's impossible.  They know me too well.  We are too close, I can't get away with it. I knew my mom that way.  As an adult.  I could take one look at her and KNOW if something set her off or what she was thinking.  After I caught my breath I was determined not to let myself get immersed in the sadness.  My mom would not want that. My favorite conversations where when I'd make her laugh until she couldn't breathe and she would howl and say her stomach hurt.  There was no better sound to me than that laugh and knowing I was the reason she was laughing.

My mom was a very complex yet simple woman...I know contradictory.  The person she showed to the world was always happy go lucky and sweet and kind.  I was fortunate to see the real her.  She was all of those things, of course, but I was one of the very few people she let see the other side.  The side that struggled and feared and got angry and sad.  My mom had a tough life.  Her mom died (in front of her) when she was 10 leaving her to be shuffled between her siblings until my Aunt got back from the army and she had a permanent place with her.  Back in her day there were no therapists or sympathetic ears it was suck it up and deal with it.  It made her strong, even though she thought she was weak. She never blamed her past for her future.  I'm determined to be like that and to raise my kids that way. No excuses, just do the best you can with what you have.

My daughter is home from school today, my creme filling son is off of work.  We'll spend the day together which will make it easier for them.  Last year I went to the lake alone and desperately tried to feel what I'm feeling today.  It all comes in time I suppose. Last year I was chasing her.  Trying to find a certain feeling, trying to let the emotions out, trying to feel the "right ones". Today I have peace.  I feel her with me and she's telling me it's going to all be okay. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.


My funny valentine...you make me smile with my heart

I've mentioned before I'm not a huge fan of Valentines day.  Two years ago it became my least favorite holiday for new reasons.  Today marks the last day I saw my mom alive.  I am close to tears today and I refuse to give in to it.  But honestly I think I've become more synical to it all for other reasons as well.  I'm going to put a BIG disclaimer right here and say I'M NOT JUDGING ANYONE!  I'm simply stating my opinion.  Which if you're smart won't mean a rats ass to you ;)   it's just how I view things at this moment in time.  And believe me even 3-6 months ago I didn't view things this way so what the hell do I know.  But here's my take on this commercial holiday.

EVERY DAY SHOULD FEEL LIKE VALENTINES DAY if you're with the right person.  Ok not EVERY day we all have shitty periods in our relationships, even the right ones, but MOST of the time!  Why do we need a money making holiday to get the flower, card and candy companies rich?  Why do we need an EXCUSE to tell the world that we love our person?  Does it make your relationship better because your significant other wrote a sweet testament of love on your face book wall?  Or on theirs?  Why does it matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship if you both know it's great?  I find it shallow.  There I said it.  Sigh.  There was a point in time that I would have killed to have someone do that for me.  But now?  I prefer my relationship to be between us.  We know.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, does it?  My love is a very private man.  He is supportive of the fact that I'm a tell all kind of person, but I'm sure he's not overjoyed at the fact :)..  However, I've realized that he is SO right and I need to put a lid on it.  (I'm not going to lie, I've never admitted another person is right as much as I admit he is....he's lucky I love him cause it's kinda annoying hee hee).  Maybe it's my age, maybe as I get older I see things....no....no that's not it because I see people much older than me still needing the approval of others, whether they realize it or not.

I could easily shout out to the world today that I'm sad because it's the last day I saw my mom alive and that I spent Valentines day for nearly 30 years being disappointed or I could say that I'm so in love right now that every day feels like Valentines day and because of that I think it's stupid?  Does it matter?  No.  Because no one else's perception or opinion of my life is real.  Think of it that way.  YOU know what your life is made of.  Why does it matter to you what anyone else's perception is?  Remember the girl who got flowers at work all the time?  Did you ever wonder WHY he didn't just bring them to her at home?  Yea....because they wanted EVERYONE to see what a great relationship they had.  Sorry I know I sound like a bitch, but think about it?  Wouldn't those flowers have been enjoyed more at home?  I'm not saying these gestures aren't sweet or nice or genuine.  I'm just saying that perhaps the intention behind them wasn't necessarily pure.

But tomorrow I could feel differently....it's just a day in the life.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony......

Today I spent nearly 4 hours reading cards and giving spiritual guidance to virtual strangers, yet I felt like I was with family.  An odd family we would be, a 16 year old aspiring Soccer player, the owner of the shop who speaks broken English at best and the mechanic, a gentle giant who reminded me of John Coffey from the Green Mile, and me.  We laughed, we (well they) cried and it was just an incredible experience that left me knowing (as if I didn't know already) that there are no such things as chance meetings.

At the beginning of the week I needed to find someone to replace my son's headlight. My son is determined to learn how to fix things and as a single mom I'm not going to lie it breaks my heart a bit that he has no male presence in his life to teach him. We attempted to do it ourselves but it just wasn't possible to maneuver without me having a heart attack thinking we were going to make it worse.  I wrote previously about how I went into the shop and struck up a conversation/friendship with the owner.  Well two days later my son was having issues with his car running rough and I called the mobile mechanic to come and look at it.  He took one look and gave us an estimate and told us he needed the car for a whole day so we'd have to make an appointment and bring it to his shop.  I took that knowledge and called my new friend for another estimate.  She asked me to bring the car in because she wanted the mechanic to look at it so she could try to save me some money in case we didn't need a full tune up.  I reluctantly rearranged my day and took his car there after I dropped him at work.  She was so excited to see me.  She told me on the phone she wanted me to bring my cards and she couldn't wait to see me because her whole life changed after meeting me.  I couldn't help but laugh because I didn't do anything and I certainly haven't been Suzy Sunshine this past week, but I'd take the morale boost.

I walked into the shop and she hugged me so tightly.  I sat down and there were other customers there so we didn't get started right away.  We talked for a while then finally the mechanic came in and asked me to come outside.  He explained what needed to be done to the car (same as the mobile guy) and he quoted me a price far less than Mobile man.  I was so excited I told him I'd bake him cookies if he could get the car done on Monday.  He quickly replied "Peanut butter" with a chuckle.  I said you got it!  It was so friendly and I felt safe which is something I don't usually feel especially with mechanics.  (My AZ mechanic aside).

We went back inside and I started doing a reading for my new friend.  She called the young apprentice in to translate.  She was teary eyed with some of the messages I gave her and then she asked if I had any information for the young man.  I read for him and he started to cry.  He was totally moved and understood exactly what I was talking about.  The Angels never ever fail.  With that the mechanic came in and my new friend explained quickly that we weren't doing anything witchcraft like it was all light and love.  He quickly sat down to get his messages.  I think he almost fell off his chair when I asked him if he had issues with his knees.  I'm not going to lie I never get tired of seeing people's reactions when I do a reading.  It's SO rewarding to see people have that understanding come over their faces.  He got a bit teary eyed too with his messages and they both realized that they were meant to be working together and they were each an answer to the others prayers!  It turns out she just hired him this week AFTER I was in the shop.  She told me that I changed the whole energy in the shop, I made it "clean" and joyful.  She motioned like a tornado and said that's what I did to the energy.  I was so moved. After I left the other day she turned to the angels and asked them to bring her the right man for the job.  Two days later he called her.  I should never be surprised at these occurrences but I'm not going to lie it still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart beat a bit faster.

I also realized that a good mechanic will come in handy for other business ventures that I hope are coming to Florida.  And they have a huge parking lot that I discussed possibly using for the same venture as well as potential investors she might know. This meeting was definitely divinely orchestrated and it definitely lifted my spirits this week.  They were even kind enough to give me a ride home and I couldn't help but feel blessed.  On so many levels.  It reminded me that I needed to return to my angel readings and that God always gives you opportunities to make a difference in people's lives and for them to make a difference in yours, but you have to be open to it.  I was drawn to that specific shop and that was no accident.  

So pay attention to the divinely orchestrated occurrences around you....because as you know miracles can happen in any day in the life!

Friday, February 10, 2017

Time to learn a lesson Like Pavlov's dog If same-ing isn't working Why don't you different instead, instead, instead

I've been given signs this week about lessons I still need to learn.  I really really stupidly thought I was done with these lessons.  I've done more self work in the past 10 years than most of Hollywood has done on their physical appearance.  However, when we stop growing we die right?  But it seems my lessons keep repeating because I guess I think I've got it down, but not completely.

We have lived in this house now for 6 months.  My oldest dog continues to go to the left of the sliding door to go out.  That's where the door opened in Arizona.  Here it opens on the right. No matter how many times she goes to the door she continues to do it.  It made me think of the saying "Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."  I realized with a jolt that that was EXACTLY what I was doing!

I stopped meditating when life got good.  Mistake number 1.  Don't stop doing the things that got you where you wanted to be.  Meditation is vital to my well being I've learned.  It gets me out of my busy little head and into my heart and closer to God.  Lesson learned....again.  While I was searching for the right guided meditation the other day I came across an Abraham Hicks video with the title "When you're stuck in the asking you can't receive the manifestation".  Duh.  I know this!  Every time my life spins out of control I realize that I get manic and think it's always going to be like this. I try to find solutions, I go over the situation again and again....I get stuck in the problem....which brings more of the problem. I think I have to fix it I have to blah blah blah.  No.  Silly child.  Your job is to accept it and have faith that better days are coming.  I can't TELL you how many times this has happened to me. I learned the lesson 2 years ago but apparently I had to learn it again.  I have released it all and left it to God to sort it out.  I know what I want, the outcome that I desire.  However, sometimes it's not what's meant for you and fighting it, I have learned the hard way, is futile.  I asked God yet again, nearly 2 years after the first time I did it to show me His will.  Show me what is meant for me. Thy will not mine be done.  Last time I did that my life turned around in a magical way.  Things came to me that I never would have dreamt of, better than if I had planned it myself.  But I had to TRULY be open to an outcome different than that which I so desperately wanted.  And it turned out to be the absolutely most perfect time in my life.  Because I trusted.  And I'm going to trust again.  When you've done all that you can do, then it's time to let God (or the Universe if that's what you're comfortable with) do the rest.  What's meant for you can never be taken from you.

I'm usually a very positive person.  I can always see the bright side to any situation. If you've read my book you know that even my 10 year old having cancer didn't change that.  There were many blessings in even the darkest moments.  My problems stem from when I believe in my whole heart and soul that something is destined to happen and it doesn't. Well, at least it doesn't in my time frame or in the way I thought it would.  My problems come from me thinking things are about me when they aren't.  Not every thing is about me or my feelings...shocking I know.  Another lesson I've painfully learned many damn times.  But apparently I needed a refresher course.  Just because I would never react to something the way someone else does doesn't make their way of reacting wrong or bad.  Shocker.  I wonder if I will ever completely learn this particular lesson or if I'll keep getting it beat over my head.  I am usually really good at putting myself in someone else's shoes but sometimes I just can't understand why people do the things they do.  I'm sure people look at me the same way.

My kids and I are very similar.  We think the way we do things is normal, obviously, or we wouldn't do it.  We think everyone does things this way.  But they don't.  Here's an example.  When we go to bed we all go to each other and say goodnight.  Love you.  Give a hug most times.  We come in the house we say hello to each other.  How was your day?  Share pleasantries.  We leave to go to the store or the gym or work, we say good bye, love you, have a good day etc.  My son's girlfriend mentioned to him once that it was strange that we do this.  She likes it, don't get me wrong, but she says she's never seen anyone do this.  Huh?  Hmmm.  Flashback to when I was married and my ex would walk in the door from work.  We all stopped whatever we were doing and greeted him.  My friends all thought I was crazy.  They'd be like does he expect that?  Ummm no.  In fact I think he'd have preferred if we didn't do it looking back.  It was just what I was raised with and I thought it was normal.  Looking back I always was saddened by the fact that he didn't seem to care that we did this.  I should have read the definition of insanity and I could have saved us all a lot of grief.

My point in all of this is that change is necessary.  You have to grow in order to thrive or maybe it's thrive in order to grow.  "Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."  So true.  I love the analogy that in order for a seed to grow it needs to be covered in dirt and kept in the dark.  So is the seasons of our lives.  The beauty is what you do with those dark times....do you curse the darkness or find your own light?

After all....it's just a day in the life xo

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

What the world needs now is love.....

January was quite possibly the worst I can ever remember.  February isn't looking much better.  I live in a beautiful climate so I can't blame it on winter blues.  It's something in my soul that aches and my brain is allowing itself to set up camp there as well.  I want to jump out of my skin and run away but to where?  No matter where I go, there I am you know?  I need to take a look in the mirror again and realize what I want to see looking back at me.  Ok, done.  I like her.  I really like her.  But honestly?  I think she's too much for most people to handle.  She is kind and loving and funny and real.  She gives far more than she takes and I think most people have a hard time with the depth of what she gives.  Maybe this is why people come and go out of my life so frequently.  Maybe this is why I don't have people who can deal with me on a daily basis.  Except my kids, they can't get enough of me (poor things). So I spend a lot of time alone.  I normally don't mind that, but lately I need more.  So, I once again began my quest for my purpose in life.


Last week my cream filling son and I left the gym and went to the grocery store.  I was wearing a BEAT CANCER shirt.  The woman bagging the groceries asked if I knew anyone who had cancer.  I pointed over my shoulder and said "Yes.  Him".  She gasped and my son chuckled.  I said my mom did too.  She began to tell us about her mom who was battling cancer.  She was in NY and we are in Florida.  She stepped away with us and let it all out. We found ourselves sharing things to help this woman deal with this horrific time in her life.  My son explained a lot about what a chemo patient goes through (have I mentioned he is truly my hero and I am so incredibly blessed to call him my son?) and what helped him and what made things worse.  I shared my experience more with my mom because she could relate to that.  She hugged me so tightly when we left and thanked us both over and over again.  We wished her luck and we were on our way.

I had to take my son's car to be fixed the other day.  I called a few places and longed (for one of the first times) to be back in Arizona where my mechanic and I are facebook friends and I trusted him to make time for me whenever I needed it and to be honest and fair.  So I turned to Google and the first place I called the woman had such a thick accent and said she'd call me back.  I almost didn't go because I thought if she can't understand me how is this gonna work?  I'm so glad I went.  I walked into the office and she treated me like we were old friends.  She took one look at me and said "Your eyes!  Ay dios mio your eyes!"  I was like, huh?  My eyes, I know, didn't have their usual sparkle, I was feeling sad and flat and defeated.  But she saw the light.  She said I had a bright soul.  I asked her if she had psychic abilities she said no.  We talked for over an hour about angels and spirit guides and God and how He shows things and people don't listen.  Turns out she is very much psychic she just didn't know it.  We exchanged numbers and she asked me to do a reading for her.  We hugged like old friends.  These are the people who get me.  I thanked God for the meeting and decided I knew what came next.

February marks the anniversary of my mom's death.  It's been two years since she passed.  It feels like 12.  I realized what my next step needed to be.  I needed to finally put my energy into something that couldn't ignore me or dismiss me and something that needed someone like me.  I signed up to volunteer to help families with children with life threatening illnesses.  To be there for them, shop for them, help with chores.  All the things I know I'm good at and I haven't been able to find the right outlet for.  I signed my daughter up too.  I want her to have tools to focus her energy in the right places and not end up like me figuring it out at 52 years old.  Loneliness is a terrible thing.  Especially when you're surrounded by people who love you.  But unless you have someone who really truly understands what you're going through you feel alone.  Hopefully I can be that to some of these families.  And in doing that maybe I can save myself as well.

After all....it's just a day in the life.