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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Letter to my future daughter in law...Danny's wife

Dear Daughter in love....

Regardless of what people might tell you I do love you and welcome you into my family.  If my son has chosen you, you must be pretty amazing.  All I ask of you is that you treat my son like the gem that he is and you don't ever try to come between him and his siblings.  They will love you, because they love him, so it shouldn't be difficult.  As long as you love him we should be good.

I want to tell you a little bit about the man you have married....things you don't know because you haven't been around since he was born.  He's been through a LOT and I want you to always remember how blessed you are to have him!  Yes, even when he's annoying the bejeezus out of you ---he's a gift.  Believe me, I will tell him often that he is blessed to have you too, I don't play favorites :)

Danny is an amazing person, but you already know that or you wouldn't have married him.  Today he is recovering from shoulder surgery at the age of 16.  He is a champion.  Most people who have been through what he has would be cranky and jaded and have a woe is me attitude.  Not your husband.  He just takes it all with a smile and a great attitude.  He keeps apologizing to me for me having to do everything for him---little does he know (between me and you) I love it!  I love taking care of him.  I love the fact that he LETS me.  Some "patients" will whine and complain or try to play the hero and do everything themselves, then make it worse and wind up making everyone around them miserable.  Not Danny.  He sweetly says, mom can you help me.  Mom do you think you could ___fill in the blank.  That ALONE is reason to marry him.  Trust me, not all men are such good patients or as appreciative as the love of your life.  He's amazing.  (you will hear that a lot from me, sorry but he is)

You know that he had cancer at the age of 10....you've probably been told the stories a million times...I apologize.  It's a huge part of who he has become and how our relationship became what it is.  Hopefully when you are reading this my son and I are still as close as ever.  Of course YOU will be the main woman in his life and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I raised him to love you and to treat you well.  Ask him....he'll tell you that even when he was in his car seat I would turn around in the car and tell him---"don't ever treat your wife that way" after seeing or hearing something that I felt might influence him otherwise.  He is sweet and loving and thoughtful and kind and you are a very very lucky young lady.  He will treat you like gold as long as you don't give him a reason not to.  My son will give his whole heart and soul to you---don't take it for granted!  You are probably in your 20s and even though you don't realize it you don't know everything.  I've prayed about you since before he was born and I know God did not disappoint.  Whenever you are tempted to get angry at him or hurt him in any way I want you to stop and read this letter first.  Then I want you to read it again....it's not worth it!  Trust me....love is the only thing that matters.  If you talk to him in a calm, loving tone he will listen and understand (trust me---we've had a lot of arguments....I know ).     

Last but not least...treat his heart with gentle, loving care.  He will do the same for you, I can promise you that.  Make sure you two make time for date nights after you have children ----- don't ever feel awkward asking me to babysit or talking to me about anything.  I'm a good listener and well, I'm a pretty great mom because after all---look at the man I gave you to be your husband. <3


Love,

Me

Monday, August 18, 2014

If you believe in forever....then life is just a one night stand

I took the title from the song "Rock and Roll Heaven".  I've been thinking a lot lately about life...and death...and struggles and what IS important and what isn't.  I've realized that almost everything we worry and stress over is really just a transition to the next phase.  Even death is just a transition to the next phase...Heaven and then life everlasting, whether you believe your soul gets reincarnated or you just live peacefully for eternity in heaven---we never truly die.

That being said, living can be hard enough.  I see so many people that are so unhappy and so frustrated all the time.  They are living in fear.  And living in ego (ego being your earthly mind--- love being your higher self).  I am not having as much patience as I probably should with people who just dont get it.  After all, I'm a spiritual advisor and my job is to teach people about such things.  However, God has been sending me lots of stubborn ones.  These people hold a mirror up to my face and make me see how far I've come and how far I still have to go.  They make me see how pissed off MY mentors must have gotten/still get with me when I just don't get it.  When I see it so clearly and I tell people (who ASK me for guidance, I'm not randomly spewing advice to unwilling participants) what spirit shows me so clearly and they insist that they are either doing what I suggest already or they deny that they are doing it at all.  So I nod and say alright.  And to myself I say, I guess they're not ready for that challenge yet, but soon enough they will be.  Or maybe not....maybe they will continue beating the dead horse or trying desperately to break down the wall in front of them instead of just walking around it. It's their path to find.  We all have our own path to find and to walk.

My newest mission is to just let go.  Let it all go.  My issues, my kids issues, my family's issues ---just release it.  It doesn't really matter.  If you look back on your life have you overcome and gotten through everything that's come your way?  Ummmm....yeah....you're still standing right?  So, then what does it matter?  Why worry?  Why stress?  It just makes life harder.  I know you're thinking "but....but....I want THIS to happen and if THIS doesn't happen it will be the end of the world!"  No....no it won't.  Trust me.  Life will go on.  Will it be difficult at the time?  Maybe.  Will it FEEL like the world is coming to an end?  Possibly.  But guess what?  It's just another day.  Even the death that we all fear so much is simply a transition to the next great thing.  Is it horrible for those remaining?  Absolutely, but it's not the end of the world.  You will get through it and maybe, if you're lucky and in tuned to your angels and God's voice and your intuition, someday you will figure out why.  Why it had to happen that way.  Maybe you will see that YOU caused it to happen that way, that it didn't have to BE so difficult, you were forcing something that wasn't meant to be.  Maybe you will never hold the mirror up to you and see your part in anything, maybe you will continue to fight what's meant to be and your life will be a constant uphill battle.  Either way, what's meant to be will always find a way despite you and your ego and your trying to control the outcome.  So isn't it just easier to let it go?  Whisper a prayer to God and say "Please let this turn out such and such a way, but if not YOUR will be done"  and simply release it.  Trust me....it gives such a sense of peace!

The Beatles song is on replay for me on such days where I can't just release it.....Paul McCartney was inspired by his Mother Mary who died when he was only 14.  His mom came to him in a dream, speaking words of wisdom.  So you see...even after death, we are never really gone from those we love.



Let it Be
by Paul McCartney
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Friday, August 1, 2014

We are all growing up!

Today my second born got his driver's license.  It seems like yesterday that he was sitting in his car seat with a pretend steering wheel on the front of it.  He just pulled out of the driveway with my youngest in tow.  It's a tradition.  When my oldest got his license he took my middle guy out for his first drive solo.  Now, my middle is doing the same with the youngest.  I have amazing kids.  I love them more than I can express---but why do they have to keep getting older?

Seriously, though, when they were little I would cry when people sang happy birthday to them.  It was so emotional for me, knowing that another year went by so quickly.  Every year on the first day of school I would bawl my eyes out watching them go.  Knowing that there was just that more time that I was missing and they were living their days not needing mommy every minute.  I don't know what happened to that woman----I miss her sometimes.  I just don't FEEL things as deeply as I used to.  Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I am glad she's gone.  Depends on the day and the emotion I'm feeling.  I wish I could feel joy the way she used to.  The littlest thing would send her into tears of joy---people would make fun of her because she was guaranteed to cry at weddings, graduations, first steps, Halloween, Christmas, you name it.  Somewhere along the way she died.  It's a blessing and a curse.  Let me explain.

I think her/my heart could only take so much and then it finally started blocking the emotion.  Or, I/she finally realized it's all ok and "this too shall pass", or I/she learned that everyone has their own path to walk and making everything my/her issue was just exhausting and didn't help anyone and made me/her stress more than she needed to.

My oldest child bitches constantly about being the "crash dummy" in the family.  In other words, everything was tested on him, I was stricter, tougher punishments were doled out, I was "all up in his business" and I yelled a lot when he was younger.  I am a "much different parent to the other two".  He's right.  I am.  I grew up.  I learned what was important and what wasn't.  I also don't have an unhappy marriage stressing me out, nor do I have a husband that I need to work around when disciplining or running my household.  I am in a better place.  I also think that my younger two know what is expected after watching the "crash dummy" be raised.  Who knows.  It is what it is (my mantra at this point in life).  What he doesn't realize is that he got the mommy that experienced everything for the first time and felt everything SO deeply it crippled her.  His first day of preschool---I couldn't BREATHE, how could I live without him for 2 hours twice a week?  I survived.  First day of Kindergarten---omg 5 days a week?  No way, I can't do it!  I survived.  I home-schooled him so a lot of the other firsts were given to my second son, who decided to go to school in 6th grade, but his (my oldest's) permit test, his driver's license, the first time he went out with friends driving, etc. was a HUGE deal to me...my heart ached with each milestone.  Because someday (cue menacing music) he would leave for college!  The year before he went to college I cried every day.  I could not IMAGINE that I would survive not seeing his face every day.  My 2nd born graduated middle school the day before my oldest graduated high school.  I sobbed during the middle school graduation and then for the next 24 hours until the high school graduation.  The middle school graduation was my first time experiencing that emotion---so it was fresh and my second son got to be the one I experienced it with first. Then the first time I left on a plane and my oldest was left behind---I cried for the first 3 hours of the flight, just sat there silently with tears streaming down my face.  Now, I left this summer and the tears were minimal.  I sometimes feel guilty for not feeling so deeply.  I don't feel anything as deeply anymore.  But maybe I am just growing up.  Maybe my heart is guarded after too many breaks.  It bothers me.  I so badly want to feel deeply again.  Is this what it's like as you get older?  Things don't affect you as much anymore?  I feel badly for my daughter sometimes, will I have any emotion left for her?  Is that why she's so detached from things?  I don't know.  I can't change it, I won't fake it.  But maybe I'm not becoming a hardened person, maybe it's just that after I experience something for the first time I realize it's not the end of the world and I will survive so I don't feel the emotions so deeply?  I miss feeling the joy though...the happiness....the love.  I used to be such a passionate person and now I still go through the motions, I just don't feel it deep in my heart.  Maybe I am just growing up....or maybe I've been exhausted by that woman I used to be.  Time will tell.