Today my second born got his driver's license. It seems like yesterday that he was sitting in his car seat with a pretend steering wheel on the front of it. He just pulled out of the driveway with my youngest in tow. It's a tradition. When my oldest got his license he took my middle guy out for his first drive solo. Now, my middle is doing the same with the youngest. I have amazing kids. I love them more than I can express---but why do they have to keep getting older?
Seriously, though, when they were little I would cry when people sang happy birthday to them. It was so emotional for me, knowing that another year went by so quickly. Every year on the first day of school I would bawl my eyes out watching them go. Knowing that there was just that more time that I was missing and they were living their days not needing mommy every minute. I don't know what happened to that woman----I miss her sometimes. I just don't FEEL things as deeply as I used to. Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I am glad she's gone. Depends on the day and the emotion I'm feeling. I wish I could feel joy the way she used to. The littlest thing would send her into tears of joy---people would make fun of her because she was guaranteed to cry at weddings, graduations, first steps, Halloween, Christmas, you name it. Somewhere along the way she died. It's a blessing and a curse. Let me explain.
I think her/my heart could only take so much and then it finally started blocking the emotion. Or, I/she finally realized it's all ok and "this too shall pass", or I/she learned that everyone has their own path to walk and making everything my/her issue was just exhausting and didn't help anyone and made me/her stress more than she needed to.
My oldest child bitches constantly about being the "crash dummy" in the family. In other words, everything was tested on him, I was stricter, tougher punishments were doled out, I was "all up in his business" and I yelled a lot when he was younger. I am a "much different parent to the other two". He's right. I am. I grew up. I learned what was important and what wasn't. I also don't have an unhappy marriage stressing me out, nor do I have a husband that I need to work around when disciplining or running my household. I am in a better place. I also think that my younger two know what is expected after watching the "crash dummy" be raised. Who knows. It is what it is (my mantra at this point in life). What he doesn't realize is that he got the mommy that experienced everything for the first time and felt everything SO deeply it crippled her. His first day of preschool---I couldn't BREATHE, how could I live without him for 2 hours twice a week? I survived. First day of Kindergarten---omg 5 days a week? No way, I can't do it! I survived. I home-schooled him so a lot of the other firsts were given to my second son, who decided to go to school in 6th grade, but his (my oldest's) permit test, his driver's license, the first time he went out with friends driving, etc. was a HUGE deal to me...my heart ached with each milestone. Because someday (cue menacing music) he would leave for college! The year before he went to college I cried every day. I could not IMAGINE that I would survive not seeing his face every day. My 2nd born graduated middle school the day before my oldest graduated high school. I sobbed during the middle school graduation and then for the next 24 hours until the high school graduation. The middle school graduation was my first time experiencing that emotion---so it was fresh and my second son got to be the one I experienced it with first. Then the first time I left on a plane and my oldest was left behind---I cried for the first 3 hours of the flight, just sat there silently with tears streaming down my face. Now, I left this summer and the tears were minimal. I sometimes feel guilty for not feeling so deeply. I don't feel anything as deeply anymore. But maybe I am just growing up. Maybe my heart is guarded after too many breaks. It bothers me. I so badly want to feel deeply again. Is this what it's like as you get older? Things don't affect you as much anymore? I feel badly for my daughter sometimes, will I have any emotion left for her? Is that why she's so detached from things? I don't know. I can't change it, I won't fake it. But maybe I'm not becoming a hardened person, maybe it's just that after I experience something for the first time I realize it's not the end of the world and I will survive so I don't feel the emotions so deeply? I miss feeling the joy though...the happiness....the love. I used to be such a passionate person and now I still go through the motions, I just don't feel it deep in my heart. Maybe I am just growing up....or maybe I've been exhausted by that woman I used to be. Time will tell.