On the path unwinding, in the circle of life

I just celebrated my baby girl’s 21st birthday, and I still can’t believe how quickly the years have flown by. It feels like just yesterday I was hearing her first cry in the delivery room - as soon as they made the incision on my stomach. I breathed a sigh of pure relief because I knew all is well with the precious cargo I carried for nearly 40 weeks. The room was filled with laughter, and when I saw her for the first time, she was perfect. She still is in my eyes.

She’s my best friend in this world, and I’m so, so blessed to have her. Watching your child grow up is one of life’s greatest joys—and lessons. It’s a profound reminder of the circle of life. I often find myself identifying with my own mother and wondering how many times I hurt her without ever realizing it. There’s so much I didn’t understand until now. I’m grateful every day that my daughter appreciates me as much as she does. She thanks me for things I don’t even realize I’ve done.

Watching her blossom in our new surroundings has been incredible. Moving here felt like stepping into the life God planned for us. From the moment we crossed the state border, we could feel the difference, even though we were tested right away with some challenges. Thankfully, those moments passed, and we were able to enjoy the fresh start we’d waited two years for. The past six weeks have been truly a blessing.

When a friend recently texted, “Nine degrees? Any regrets?” I didn’t hesitate: “Not a one.” It is really crazy how quickly we adjusted to hats and coats and socks, gloves and well, shoes.  We belong here!  We’ve also started exploring the area together. A few nights ago, we went to a Pentatonix concert, and the female lead said "if you came here with your mom, give her a hug",  we both teared up. My daughter hugged me and told me once again how grateful she is for me.  She took a lot of photos that night and she gets so happy when she sees how much we look alike.  I am so grateful for that.  I always feel badly when people tell her she looks just like me, like what if she doesn't want to (I know - strange!  I was always told I looked like my dad and it bugged me - I wanted to look like my mom and I think I do now!)

This past week brought a lot of challenges that in the past would have leveled me.  But it also brought some incredible things that reminded me of the miracles God brings in His time. As they sang Hallelujah, I felt that familiar swell of gratitude for the life I’m living and for the way it’s unfolding.

Sometimes the circle of life takes my breath away. My life looks so different from what I once imagined. I dreamed of growing old surrounded by my kids and grandchildren, family dinners, and holidays together. But looking back, aside from being a single mom, I’ve realized I’m reliving my parents’ life. They moved away when I was 20, and we never lived in the same state again. I moved to Arizona, far from family in New York, and now my children have built lives apart from me.

Still, my parents found ways to stay deeply connected to me and my children, and I hope to do the same. This new chapter excites me. My children are adults now, and I no longer play the central role in their lives. They want me to support them when they ask and that’s okay. Now, it’s my turn—to pursue the life I want and the happiness I deserve.

Through it all, I’m grateful for the bond I share with my daughter, one that reminds me so much of my relationship with my own mother. My mom was always my go-to person, my friend, and my support system. That’s what my daughter and I have, and I know it will never change.

By her 22nd birthday, things will likely look different. She’s blossoming, starting the next phase of her life, and I couldn’t be more excited for her. Watching her grow into the person she’s meant to be is an incredible gift. I’m so proud of her and so grateful to have a front-row seat to her journey.

And that… is not just a day in the life.

 

I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit...

 

How many times have I heard; you are SO strong.  You are SO brave.  Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.  I get it.  I am the epitome of Mary sunshine.  At least that's what is  shown to the world.  The handful of people that I reveal my true self to know differently.  I ugly cry.  I feel the agony of heartbreak.  Most people don't know that, my circle is extremely small.  Also, in all fairness I rarely stay in a place of despair for long.  It is just not who I am.  I can find the bright side and silver lining in pretty much any situation.  There are a few that I have trouble with.  And those are ones that I cannot change....because if I could, I most certainly would. That is why people say I am strong.  Because so help me God (and He does!) if I can change something I am unhappy with, damn straight I do!  Unfortunately, there are some things that are out of my control - those are the things that make me ugly cry.  That make me feel like I truly can't make it through another day with this pain and heartache -----yet somehow, I do.  What choice do I have?  If I could change it - I would.  But I can't - so I won't.   Make sense?  

Most people are too afraid to change things when they are unhappy with it.  Very sad to me.  Living in a place of unhappiness or negativity or despair or loneliness is such a waste to me.  Nothing is as scary as staying stuck in that place of misery.  I think most people are so accustomed to it that they think it's normal.  Well, it could be worse, right? Well, everyone is unhappy right?  Who is happy most of the time?  Ummmm I am!  And I can tell you why and how, but you don't want to know.  Right?  Because if you are in that place, you don't want to change it or you would have already.  It is not rocket science.  It just takes faith and hope - I think both are so easy to utilize...however I don't think it is for most people.  I am blessed I suppose. My faith in God and "meant to be" and His power over my life is my saving grace.  I suppose most people don't have that.  If they did, they certainly would not settle into the mundane existence they live in.

Change is inevitable, right?  If we don't grow, we die.  I think a lot of people are terrified of change. 

What if I screw it up?  I can't do that - how can I do that?  My question is - how can you not?  How can you live each day feeling anything less than happy?  My daughter said to me the other day - "it's so annoying (she was laughing) I cannot even get mad about stuff anymore because I know it is all working out the way it is supposed to". Thank God that side of me rubbed off on her and my creme filling son.  He was super unhappy last year in his career and business.  Did he wallow in it?  Nope.  He did what he needed to do to change that situation and although it took longer than he would have liked - he knew it would happen exactly when it was meant to.  It makes me feel like even with all the screw ups I made as a parent - this is something I am extremely proud to have passed on to them.  Is life simple or easy for them - hell no!  They have stuff that comes up just like everyone else.  But they choose to change the things they can and pray on whatever they cannot. 

And before you grumble to yourself that I don't understand your situation - maybe I don't.  However, I have been dealt a hell of a lot of shit in my life (abusive relationships, childhood cancer, bankruptcy twice, mental illness, death of both of my parents to cancer, divorce, getting back into the workplace after 18 years without a college degree, moving across the country and back, alienation from people I love - you get the drill) yet I wake up every day and I am grateful for the good in my life.  Wow just typing all that made me depressed I am not gonna lie.  Maybe I am delusional....maybe I just don't really think about all I have been dealt.  People will say that is why I can be happy.  Well, what other choice is there?  I could not change any of those things - (except the divorce, I chose that, and I did that to make life better for myself and ultimately my children) so am I supposed to just sit in that misery?  What a waste of life.  So why are you?  Can you change your circumstances?  Are you living in a place of resentment or obligation or a life full of shoulds?  There is where it needs to change!  If you are holding onto unforgiveness or any of the ugly emotions that cause unhappiness - who are you hurting?  Not the person you need to forgive - not the job/boss/fill in the blank that you are resenting.  You are hurting yourself!  You need to learn to accept the apology you never got - you need to stop letting people take advantage of your kindness if that is causing resentment - and your job?  Please.   If you left tomorrow they would replace you without a second thought - find another job!  Life is too short to live in discomfort.

Faith is your secret weapon.  If you believe that God is real, then you need to trust that whatever He is putting on your heart is for your best interest.  I have written numerous times about times that I knew He was moving me to do things.  I never question it; I just do it.  And I have never been sorry.  Is life always easy?  No.  Do I know that better days are coming?  Yes.  Does that mean life will never get hard again?  No.  Here's what I suggest you do.  Take 30 minutes today and think about the main reason for your unhappiness/discomfort/sadness/despair or any other emotion that isn't making your life happy.  What is causing it?  Can you change it?  Then make a plan to do that.  If you can't change it - give it up to God.  And listen.  Feel.  What is He putting on your heart?  Follow that.  Make today not just a day in the life....I promise you won't regret it!

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......

How can I be sure?

Is it something I've said?  I've been so in the vortex lately---feeling good, staying positive, and yet this weekend I've had a huge dose of negative reality smack me in the face.  What gives?

I've finally become comfortable explaining to myself why I am the way I am....why I think the thoughts I do, why I feel the way I feel.  I finally GET me.  (only took 49 years, but I'm a slow learner apparently--better late than never I always say) Now all of a sudden everyone around me is demanding to know why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel and why I am behaving the way I am.  I don't want to argue.  I'm over arguing.  I truly can't do it anymore.  I surrender.  Waving the white flag and going peacefully into my hut.  But unfortunately, the people around me are not taking that for an answer.  I don't know what to do.  I can only cut so many people out of my life (and I have and I do!) there are certain people who are related to me or too important to me for me to do that.  So what can I do?  I don't know.  I'm trying so hard to keep my feelings to myself, not spew every thought that comes into my head out loud or on paper or in text---but some people take that as an insult.  I can't help that.  This is a case where "it's not you it's me" is truly real!  But no one will take it as an answer.  How about none of your damn business, is that a better response?  Somehow I don't think that would go over well at all!

My family is dealing with some pretty serious stuff at the moment.  Un-chartered territory, murky waters, sadness, reality checks, and possibly some devastation coming on the horizon.  Luckily, my siblings and I are bonding together in this time of crisis---thank GOD.  I hear so many horror stories and I always knew deep down we wouldn't be one of them, but it's such a great feeling to know that my sister and brother and I are, at the core, connected in a way that we aren't with any other people on the planet.  But that makes me wonder----have I instilled the same in my children?   In the face of adversity and sorrow and grief and devastation, would they band together?  Would they support me the way my siblings and I are supporting my parents?  Whether we agree with them or not?  This is weighing on me.

My sister posted something on her face book wall yesterday ---- A letter from mom and dad to their kids about growing older and please have patience.  I know I'm a good daughter.  I have no doubts about that.  What I got from it was---will my kids look at me when I'm old and say that I was a good mom?  Was I patient?  Will they remember the good times we've had, the times I was there for them and all the things I have lovingly done for them?  Or will they only remember the times I was having a bad day?  Or the times I said "Not now!" or shouted because I was overwhelmed?  I hope it's a blend.  I don't want them to think of me as perfect, but damn, I hope they remember the good things outweighed the bad.  My oldest son is in a phase of life right now where he looks at me like I'm pathetic.  He doesn't agree with anything I say and when I get annoyed at his constant argumentative behavior he gets so upset with me.  I went from having the greatest relationship with my kids to feeling like I can't do anything right.  Will it always be this way?  Is THIS the time that they will remember?   When their mom was going through a huge transformation in her life?  According to my oldest I was a horrible mother.  All the times I set up legos or Power Rangers or painted or baked cookies or kissed boo boos, or woke him up to see a meteor shower or slept on the couch with him when he was sick or arranged the first ever YuGiOh tournament at my house complete with prizes for his friends is forgotten.  All he remembers are the times I punished him "unfairly" or the times I was too strict and the fact that his siblings have a kinder, gentler, less stressed mommy.  It makes me frozen in fear to parent sometimes.  When I was growing up I wouldn't dare call my parents out on such things.  But then again, when I was his age my parents had moved 2500 miles away from me, so I don't know what would have happened if we still lived together.

My middle son is going through changes now, and we are navigating our relationship through the twists and turns.  I don't know how many more changes I can take, to be honest.  I just want peace and to be a good mom and maybe someday to have someone to share my golden days with.  I am distancing myself from everyone around me to a degree.  And my son is taking it personally.  He is afraid I am changing because of things my older one said.  I am to a degree but why can't I just BE who I am and not answer to anyone?  I'm not asking for anyone else to change why do people always expect so much from me?  I'm tired.  I'm spent.  I'm emotionally vacant sometimes.  I'm living in the moment and it's making life so much easier for me.  Unfortunately, I can't make everyone else live that way so their demands and questions and plans do affect me.  It seems to me every time the seasons change I am faced with a challenge.  When spring changed to summer I was so overwhelmed I couldn't breathe.  Summer brought me a happy, joyful, peaceful time.  Now summer is turning to autumn and I want to run away again.  I want to go back to a time when I lived at home with MY siblings and I want to be with them again on a daily basis and witness life as just a sister and a daughter and enjoy it fully knowing it doesn't last forever.  Then maybe I can come back to THIS time in my life and realize the same thing......or maybe I just did <3

The times they are a changin'.....

Last night I went to see the movie “Mom’s Night Out”…I wasn’t expecting much but I figured a couple of laughs would be a good thing.  I didn’t expect to be laughing and crying during the whole movie!  It really made me think!

One line that hit me most was when she said “All I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife and I’m living my dream but I’m not happy”  See, that’s the thing—-that’s ALL I ever wanted and I was happy doing it when my kids were little (not the wife part but hey can’t have everything).  Yes I had days where I wanted to hide but for the most part that was exactly what I wanted.  I thrived in that environment, being a mommy and a caregiver—then those little buggers grew up.  And I had to face the fact that although my future plans included the four of us (me and my 3 kids) their futures awaited and only included me as a supporting role.  Crap.  Now what the hell do I do with my life?

I am proactive.   I’m a planner.  So, I planned.  I realized my marriage was NOT what I wanted forever and the thought of being with my ex husband after my kids were grown threw me into a panic that I knew wasn’t going to work  So, I got divorced.  That was not part of the plan.  Never in my thoughts did being divorced seem ok.  Being 2 years divorced I am happier than I have been in a looooonnnnnng time.  But every once in a while I look around and think wow it would be nice to share this with someone.  I have never been alone in my life, I’ve always had a man by my side—-this is a necessary time for me to grow, I get it.  Just a new kinda normal.

I moved to Arizona almost 10 years ago and never looked back.  I love it here.  I always felt such a comfort and peace here.  I came home from vacation in Florida last week and realized——I’m not sure I want to live here forever.  That shook me to my core—what is HAPPENING to me?  I thought, well I’m here for 2 more years until my son graduates high school and then who knows?  I always wanted my kids to have a childhood home that they would return to—-that got lost many years ago—but that’s okay.  It’s just a new kinda normal.

2 years ago my oldest son went away to college.  I cried for 6 months leading up to that moment—-how was I going to stand not seeing his face every day?  Not hearing his voice, not hugging him?  I was a shell of my former self, I would break down in tears at the drop of a hat!  I came home from dropping him at college and cried in his pillow.  Now?  It’s normal for me to know that he will not be living with me permanently ever again and guess what?  I’m ok with that….I’ve adjusted.  It’s a new kinda normal.

My middle guy is going to get his license in 2 weeks—-he will not need me to chauffeur him around anymore and before I know it HE will be leaving for college.  I still get that shaky feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat thinking about it—-he is my buddy and I doubt his college will be 3 hrs away driving…but it will be okay.  It’s just a new kinda normal.

I don’t make family dinners every night anymore.  It just seems pointless sometimes, there is always someone gone or somewhere we have to be.  I worry about my daughter and how that will affect her.  She’s happy as a lark—-it’s just a new kinda normal.

I think the hardest thing for me to accept and deal with is that it’s not at all what I planned, or how I envisioned my life ummm EVER.  But it’s all okay.  I will be okay.  They will be okay.  Change is hard, but staying stuck in a place of unhappiness is way harder.  So I will embrace the changes, roll with the punches and wake up every morning and smile at the new me I see and realize——-

It’s just a new kinda normal <3