The miracle God gave to me, gives me strength when I am weak....in my daughter's eyes

Apparently today is National Daughter’s Day. Who knew? In my eyes EVERY day is national daughter's day. And I have the best. I had the strangest dream last night and I had to ask Chat GPT to interpret it because I knew it was important. There was a party, then a snake that turned into an alligator and then into the cutest little Simba like Lion cub. In the dream I was trying to keep the snake out of the house and as I was going to take the dog out - Bam, the snake slid under the door and turned into an alligator. I was kicking it in the mouth trying to keep it from attacking my daughter, myself, and the dog. I was calling for my daughter to get something I was going to use to defeat the alligator and while she was looking for whatever it was I led the alligator out of the house. It then turned into the cutest little simba like lion cub. Chat GPT asked where the fear was while I was fighting the snake and the alligator- my stomach, throat, chest? Fear? What is that? I did not feel fear, I said, I was too busy protecting my daughter and the dog. 🤔 Well apparently that changed the whole thing. What stood out to me was that Chat said that even though my daughter was not actively involved she was learning everything she needed by watching me.... learning her lessons and how to behave from observing me all these years.

That got me thinking back over so many times. When I decided to get

divorced.  What struck me the hardest was watching her play with her dollhouse and I thought - Oh my- she is going to think this is how a husband treats his wife. This is a healthy marriage.... oh no, we cannot have that! So, I was not strong enough to leave for myself but for her? Absolutely! Then fast forward through the next 13 years and she has watched me handle---well.... A LOT! And she has learned not to quit.  Not to give in.  She has learned how to set boundaries and find her voice.  Lately she has reminded me so much of my younger self, only stronger and smarter and definitely more beautiful!  She has been watching, and I am grateful she picked up on the strengths.

 

I am so grateful that I have had her all to myself for the last 3 years.  It has been just the two of us as we finally were able to regulate our nervous systems after over a decade of pain, grief, chaos, disappointment, betrayal and so much more.  We have forged a bond that I can confidently say will never be broken.  Obviously, I will always have her back, I am her mom, but I also know she has mine.  I know that no matter what, she will always be my ride or die.

 We have decided it is time to rejoin the world and begin to make a life for ourselves here.  We went to an event the other night and we were put

into separate groups.  I watched her from afar mingle and get to know people and my heart was bursting with pride.  She is all the best parts of me.  When the end of the evening came, she was waiting at the door for me and my new friend said, "there's your beautiful daughter" and I smiled and as we all started chatting they said "you guys have an accent" - try as I might I just can't seem to escape that, but my daughter was so happy!  She said, “I love hearing that!" And as we talked more someone said - "you are so much alike!"  We laughed and I swore I could not have been prouder.  She has grown into the most fabulous human being, and I am just so incredibly grateful to have had this time with her, just the two of us, as the next phase of life starts.  And it is starting.... I feel it.  I know she will be able to manage whatever life throws at her and she HAS learned from watching me...I can see that.  But today while we were out exploring the world separately, I let out a heartfelt prayer - Lord please protect her heart.  Please send her people to lift her up and appreciate her for the incredibly kind and smart and amazing person she is.  And send her a man who will love her unconditionally.  Please do not let her heart be broken the way mine has - please spare her that part of life. Send her a partner

who will support her and love her and not let her down - someone who knows how very blessed he is to have captured her heart - because she deserves EVERY good thing in this world and what is more? She's earned it! In watching me battle what life has thrown over the last decade especially she has already lived through more than a young girl should---let the next chapter lead to her happily ever after, because she is the best of me and deserves the best life has to offer.  And not just a day in the life!

 

If I could save time in a bottle...the first thing that I'd like to do

I spent 4 of the last 7 days in Disney World.  So many observations during that time, for sure, but I think the biggest one was how much time people spend capturing memories instead of living the moment.  Disney actually banned selfie sticks so that people would be present instead of focusing on "capturing the moment".  It didn't stop people though.  Walking down Main Street videoing every thing in front of them.  What were they NOT paying attention to?  Their family and loved ones that they came to the Magic Kingdom with!  As a resident of Florida and someone who can go there pretty much every day it afforded me the luxury of observing this practice without being part of it.  It allowed me to see how I myself have progressed where this is concerned.  My first visit to Walt's world was when I was 7 years old, so I had no control of picture taking, I do remember my parents taking a lot of photos of the scenery. The next trip was when I was 20 and then 22 and I admit I took a lot of scenery pictures.  Those have since been thrown out.  My next visit was when my kids were little. I did take a lot more photographs of them, but I didn't take any of the scenery...I was already realizing what was important when capturing memories.  Now, besides an occasional picture of my kids during a downtime moment my phone/camera stayed in my backpack.  I wanted to enjoy the time with my kids instead of capturing it.

I know it sounds like I'm judging, and I'm not!  My sister is the family photographer and any time anyone needs a picture for something they ask Aunt Debbie.  Living in Arizona for 12 years I often wished she was there to photograph my kids parties or events because that's her thing and she's damn good at it. And she seems to be able to be present AND take pictures.  I don't think that's a skill a lot of people have.

What the picture taking at Disney led me to realize was that people aren't just preoccupied taking pictures they are busy posting them for the world to see.  Look, look at me, look at what a GREAT time I'm having......WHY?  Why do people care if others see the fun, why aren't they more absorbed IN the fun instead of posting it?  I do post pictures of my family enjoying life....but I post it AFTER the fact 98% of the time.  I think that's the part that gets me.  Looking around so many people were on their phone, checking social media....why?  You are with people I'm assuming you love, because you've chosen to spend this time with them, so why are you checking out what everyone else is doing?  This social media addiction is causing people to be so discontented with their own lives it's become an epidemic.  I know, I got caught up in it many times.  Summer's that were so hot in Arizona that we were inside most of the time and everyone else was having bbqs and beach outings, I felt dismayed with my life.  Everything I post on social media is authentic and positive.  If it's a stressful or not fun experience I don't post about it.  I've had people tell me so many times (after I commented about something they posted) that they were miserable and it wasn't any fun at all, yet to the rest of the world it looks like they are having the time of their life.  WHY?  Why do you CARE what everyone thinks first of all and secondly, why try to fake it?  Anyway, I digress, this is not what this post started for.

Being present.  Yes, that's the ticket.  As my kids and I waited on line after line we made memories.  We relived memories, we laughed and just connected.  My son said to me a few times, Jeez ma everyone looks so miserable.  I tried to explain it away and say "well, they're trying to cram it all into a short period of time and we have all the time in the world, so it's different", but it made me think.  I think most people are searching for the next shiny toy, the next feel good moment, the next high.  I've come to realize that MOST moments are those moments if you look at it from a different perspective.  We were in Target the other night on the way home from Disney to pick up a few things and we literally were laughing so hard we cried.  I stopped in the middle of an aisle, doubled over in laughter and my kids were too.  We had just as much fun at Target as we had in Disney World. Why?  Because we were together and we have fun everywhere.  That's not to say we are never upset or less than happy, of course we are, we're human!  But, we try to look at the good in everything, even waiting on a long, sweaty line at Disney World.

My kids tease me a lot about how in love I am with my Prince Charming.  They imitate my facial expression when I talk about him or talk to him and my sister simply says "eye roll" when I gush about him.  They are all happy for me and they know how long I've waited for this happiness that surrounds me now.  On one of our very first dates we were sitting having coffee and there was a family of 3 sitting at the next table and they were each engaged in their own electronic device.  I looked at him and I said "Promise me we will never be like that!"  He immediately said "Absolutely not! No way will that happen."  And it won't....because we've made a conscious choice to make sure that it doesn't.  And it IS a choice.  Everyone has the option of focusing on what they choose to focus on, whether it be social media, television, a book, music or the people they're with.  No one else can make that choice for them.

Sometimes I just feel that everyone is looking for something to fill a void in their life, that empty spot that keeps them searching for more.  Sometimes it's because they are looking for something they think someone else has or sometimes they are just in the wrong relationships and they need to move out of their comfort zone to find what they seek.  Other times they need to look in the mirror to change something to fill that empty spot.  But a lot of times I think it's like Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz....."Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along."  You just have to put your phone down and SEE it.

Wake me up when September ends.....

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last month while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

I'm still confused when I think about what state I'm in....where I'm from....this adjustment is still happening.  It's frustrating to me.  I don't like limbo.  I don't like feeling uneasy or unsettled.  But there's a lesson in this I'm sure.  I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, to be quite honest.  I told my sister the other day that I feel like a worn out security blanket that they keep putting back into the washing machine to get another use out of.  You know what I'm talking about...the one that's in tattered shreds and is barely held together?  Yea, that one.  My kids have been really good about understanding that I'm hanging by a thread.  Their compassion for how much I've been through in the past year and a half is really a testament to the type of people I've raised.  It makes me so happy to see.  They love me, no matter what frazzled state I'm in.  I'm sure they are looking forward to the time when their mom is back in full force....and stays that way.  Guess what?  So am I!  I don't like feeling weak.  I don't like being unhappy and I hate complaining.  So I shut down.  It's the only way I know how to cope with all of this.  I trick my mind into believing things that my heart might not agree with.  This has helped me throughout my life to avoid feeling pain or sadness.  I think that mechanism is malfunctioning because at this point in my life it's making me feel weak.  Like I should just face it and move on.  But I just can't do it.  I tried.  I let that wall down for a while and allowed myself to try to work through pain and sadness and anxiety (yes, that's a new one for me) but I just can't do it anymore.  Not when I don't have an end in sight.  Whenever my kids and I would say good bye to our family we would always be fine when we knew when we would see them again---even if that time was almost a year away---we were ok, we knew there was an end to the time apart.  At this moment in time I have no end in sight to these feelings, so the only way to stop them is to shut them off.

I took my first road trip with my daughter yesterday to see my dad.  I would love to say it was the fun exciting trip I think she wanted but it wasn't.  We have the dogs with us and Roxie cried for the first hour of the trip, I slipped and fell at the rest stop, we hit a horrific rain storm.....you get the drift.  Then I walked into my dad's home and it hit me yet again.  She's not here.  He rearranged the furniture when my brother was here last week and I felt angry. NO! mommy put it that way it has to stay!  A far cry from where I was earlier this year thinking it was good that my dad was wanting to change things.  He has a shrine set up to her.....I lost it.  I had to go into the bathroom because I didn't want him or my daughter to see it.  That was a big mistake because all the memories of my the times I spend in front of that mirror with my mom.  I had to shut it down.  I put on the mask and joined them in the living room.  Then my daughter was talking to her brother at college and the tears came again.  I miss him.  I talk to him every day most of the time texting all day too but I miss him. Then I got a text from my oldest son checking on me.  He asked if there was anything I wanted him to do before I got home.  I told him one thing.  He sent me a picture showing me it was already done.  Tears.  Again.  I want so badly to be my usual happy self.  I miss crying happy tears.  I miss being able to deal with whatever life throws me without skipping a beat.  September sucks.  My spiritual friends keep telling me there's a weird energy, mercury retrograde blah blah blah. I'm sure they're right but I don't like to place blame on anything but me.  I'm in control of my actions and feelings.  People telling me that I've been through so much is getting old, I just want to feel better and be happy.

So, today I begin going to back to my meditation schedule, my morning and evening gratitude and living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  Tomorrow isn't promised, I know this, so every day I want to be able to say if it was my last one on earth that I would be satisfied with it.  And after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Filling the Void

Think back on a time when you were really happy.  Can you feel the excitement?  The joy?  The just overwhelming feeling of gratitude for this incredible experience?  We've all had them. For me....those moments always had this feeling that it wasn't complete.  I felt the joy and the gratitude but there was a feeling that something was missing.  I would talk myself out of it.  I would tell myself that I was expecting too much, that I was afraid the happiness wouldn't last and talking myself out of the happiness....it made sense, right? Well until recently it did.

There were other times that I was finally doing something that I had always wanted to do, or maybe an event I had waited for finally arrived and I should have been over the moon.  But, in my chest, next to my heart there was this feeling....like something was wrong, or missing.  I would tell myself I was nuts, it's in my head.  I wish I had listened to my gut.  Listened to that feeling and known that it was not right.   I'd like to say that at this point in time I've learned my lesson.  But you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.  Each time I go through one of these situations I take some of that into the next experience and I always take away something to help in the next one.

I think I've been so trained to have no expectations so that I wont be disappointed that sometimes I watered down my needs and desires until I settled for so much less than what brought me fulfillment.  This is what caused the void...the hole, the dissatisfaction that I felt deep in my soul.  How to fix this?  Well, first of all I think it's important to truly get to know yourself.  The real you, not the you that society tells you to be, the you that makes your heart pound and overflow with love and happiness.  The real you that admits things that may not be popular to the rest of the world.  That's the person that can tell you what needs to be done to make your soul sing.  Once you learn to listen to that voice, that person inside then you can begin to fill the hole inside.  But you need to trust it.  The whole process.  It will bring you to places you've never dreamed of.  For me?  It all began with a list.  A wish list for the important things I wanted.  And then, the key was to let go of how those things would come to me.  I just knew they would.  And from that moment on life began filling in the void.  If you would have told me 6 months ago that my life would be what it is right now I would not have listened. But I knew, in that deep part of my soul, that it would be amazing...I just couldn't see the hows and the whys, but guess what?  That's the key...letting go of control and allowing life to flow.  The results are beyond amazing.  Spectacular.  The void is gone and the hole has been filled.

My philosophy on life is that everything happens for a reason.  I love watching life unfold and realizing why things in the past have happened.  It gives me peace to know that the events that had unfolded were all part of a master plan.  This is part of the reason why I have no regrets in life.  I know that, even though I could have learned lessons more quickly and less painlessly, the timing of everything is the way it should be. You are exactly where you are supposed to be at any given moment.

Who needs a prince?

I am very very hard on myself.  I am also hard on those I love...I expect a lot from them, especially my children.  I'm working on it.  I'm getting better every day.  Learning to let go and free myself of these expectations, letting go of the picture in my head of how life is supposed to be is a difficult yet necessary task.  I am a work in progress and some days I just can't seem to find the balance and others (like today) I balance it perfectly.  I want more days like today and I'm determined to make sure I have them.

I am technically on vacation right now, although I am still working (actually working twice my normal hours) and in addition to that running to Doctor's appointments with my mom and food shopping daily and menu planning and cooking and cleaning---for some reason it feels different.  I'm enjoying it (well, minus the doctor's appointments) because it's all that I'm focusing on.  When I'm home, I always seem to have a million other things pulling at me.  Here at my parent's house I only need to focus on the immediate things that need to be done.  It feels good to take care of people and have them want me to.  My sons are growing into men and they don't want me fussing over them anymore.  I am a fusser, I can't help it.  I like taking care of my loved ones--at one point in my life it's how I gave myself worth.  That's not the case anymore but I still like to do it.  I guess part of me always wanted someone to fuss over me---not that I would know how to handle that, but I think at this stage of my life I'd like to try.

I was in such a bad place the last two days, so sad and feeling numb and as I watched my daughter in the pool I thought---amazing--she can have fun all by herself just using her imagination.  I listened to her make believe game of mermaids and sharks and I remembered summers of my youth where I did the exact same thing!  I remember pretending I was a mermaid and I got trapped in a cage by an evil villain and of course my handsome prince rescued me.  That's where it all started...my lifetime of waiting for that handsome prince to save me from myself.  My daughter doesn't need that prince--she rescues herself and I love that!  Being a child of divorce I sometimes worry about how she will be when she finally has her first love, her first relationship---will she be needy and clingy like I was?  I don't think so!  See, she is seeing the woman I am now, the woman who handles everything and doesn't ask for anyone's approval.  She is boy crazy, don't get me wrong --- she definitely wants that happily every after, but she isn't looking for it to save her and Amen to that!  Anyway, I digress.....

The reason for this entry was that I realized, while I was watching her, that I never really just let go and enjoy life.  I'm always reserved for some reason, even when I'm having fun it's not that uninhibited fun that I had as a kid.  So I set out to make a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do in the next however many years, to enrich my life and have fun!  I've come a long way because the list started flowing easily.  It was inspired this morning when I woke up and I decided I was going to have a better day and a better life!  No more waiting for that handsome prince -I was going to save myself.  And today, when I took my daughter swimming guess who got in the pool and showed her how to do front flips and back flips and handstands and handsprings?  That's right---this mama!  She had so much fun and so did I, I felt like a kid again.  Of course, my body IS still 49 so I'm not sure the handsprings were such a good idea (my back says it definitely wasn't) but it's just the beginning....and it's just a day in the life xoxox

Does it really matter?

Today is my daughter's 7th dance recital.  It went from being a one show deal to her being there all day and doing 3 shows and 12 dances.  It makes me reflect on the difference between then and now.  It makes me wonder if I don't care as much about things, or I've learned what's really important....I think it's the later.  When my kids were little I would become so obsessed with how they looked and what they wore and making sure everything was perfect.  Now, I realize, there is no such thing.

In an effort to make everything perfect, I often neglected to enjoy anything.  I would become so crazed and neurotic before a major holiday or event that I didn't ever remember to just be present.  That's all changed now.  I am able to finally live and go with the flow---it's so much better for everyone!  My kids are more relaxed, I am more relaxed---it's definitely more fun!  

With that being said, the old me rears her ugly, OCD head occasionally with her list of shoulds and her finger pointing at someone else who is doing it perfectly and look at how they LOOK.  There is the key word that shuts me down and flips me right back to relaxed mom.  They LOOK perfect.  Yes, that girls costume has way more accessories than mine does---so what?  Yes that little girls hair is perfectly done differently for each and every dance---so what?  Her make up is changed between numbers to match whatever costume is coming next----so what?  My daughter is HAPPY!  She is relaxed and able to be herself.  She doesn't WANT all that crap that I used to push on her.  If she ASKED me for all that, you know what---I would snap on my supermom cape and do the best I could to get it for her.  But she doesn't care about it.  It was ME that used to fuss and push and try to make it all "perfect"---meanwhile, it's supposed to be for her, right?  I think a lot of parents forget that.

My older son has returned from his second year of college and commented the other day that I am a total different parent to "those two" (his younger siblings) than I was to him.  I'm raising them differently he said.  He's right.  I'm a totally different person now.  I'm not all crazed and angry and frustrated and exhausted---well I AM still exhausted but I can handle that.  Plus, I'm divorced and I don't have a stressful, unhappy marriage weighing me down anymore.  I am free to be me!  I'm sorry he had the ubercrazyperfectionist mom---she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.  Everyone thought we had this perfect family---what I've come to realize is that everyone isn't living in my home.  Everyone is not living my life---I don't need to impress anyone!  And if there is anything that my oldest has taught me is that it is THEIR lives not mine to live.  I do my best to impose my morals and my opinion of right and wrong to them and raise them the way I feel will make them good, kind, decent human beings.  The rest is just for show and it's THEIR show, not mine---I want them to be happy not perfect.  As far as the rest.....does it really matter?

What Other people think of you is none of your business.....

I have very few people that I consider close to me.  That's by choice.  I have a lot of people who think they know the real me and think they know me well.  They would be mistaken!  Those who are close to me know everything about me, I don't hold back, I don't hide anything I don't censor myself.  They know who they are.  As for everyone else?  It's on a need to know basis.  Weird, though because now I'm sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to find my blog.  That's ok.  What other people think of me is none of my business!

For most of my life I was concerned with people's perception of me.  I had a voice in my head (usually my parents) that told me what was acceptable, what I should do, how I should feel....based on those rules of society and what other people thought was right.  Being married to my ex husband for 23 years and dealing with his family (who never approved or liked me no matter WHAT I did)  really messed with my head for most of my adult life.  I was used to having people around me that liked me, who thought I was pretty great.  Not them....I was Satan in their eyes.  Everything I did or said or felt was somehow wrong and didn't fit into the mold they wanted me to fit into.  I used to get physically sick (yes, throwing up!) before a family event because I would feel so awful and sad being around them. Then, I had my son.  My whole life changed after I became a mom.  I didn't allow anyone's feelings to influence what I thought was best for him.  "Oh, all he wants is you!"   "You're gonna make him a mama's boy!"   "Why won't he go to anyone else?"  "It's not healthy."  and my all time favorite "Let him cry, it will strengthen his lungs."  What the HELL, did they even hear themselves???  I didn't listen to any of it....well that's a lie, I listened and still did what I thought was best, but I used to let it eat away at me.  Oh they don't approve, oh they're talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a bad mom....It upset me, but I didn't allow it to change my actions.  As time went on I let it affect me less and less.  By the time my daughter was born nearly 10 years later I was immune to their insults and their disapproval.  Then I moved across the country and I never had to deal with it again.  I credit my in laws for helping me become the person I am today.  The me who does what I feel is right and doesn't justify it to anyone else.  I like her way better than the 20 something year old girl throwing up and crying before going to a party.

The reason I chose this topic to write about today is because I've come to realize that the people around me that are unhappy or frustrated or sad are all allowing those beliefs to take up occupancy and control in their lives.  It's so hard to allow all the good things to flow into your life when your thoughts are full of shoulds and coulds and don'ts.  I used to make myself crazy with guilt or lists going through my head whenever I would sit down to relax, or read or just ENJOY life.  "Oh, I should be doing dishes, or laundry"  or " Nancy invited me to go to the zoo and I really don't want to, but I don't have any reason not to go, so I guess I will just go. "  And then spend the day at the zoo pissed off because I didn't really want to BE there!  C'mon, how often does that happen to you?  Also, New Years Eve---I hate New Years Eve because every year I felt like I should be doing this or that or the other thing, when in actuality I would love to have just gone to sleep like any other night---too much pressure and let down after it isn't as perfect as you pictured it to be.  It's JUST another night for cryin' out loud! My dream for New Years eve is to one year spend it in Disneyland, other than that I couldn't care less.  What about all these video proposals?  Seriously? Why do you need a million people around you on the single most intimate moment in your relationship to date?  No thank you.  Why does everyone feel they have to prove to the world that they have a perfect life?  If it was so perfect you'd be out living it and not documenting it on face book and you tube and twitter!!!! How can you allow yourself to just be who you are and not live up to someone else's expectations?   The answer----LET IT GO!  Allow yourself to be who YOU want to be!!!!  Don't let anyone else influence that.   The people that truly love you, will love you no matter what.  You have no one to impress.  In my opinion, my life is a show that has to impress only two...me and God.  What everyone else thinks of me is none of my business xoxo