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Sunday, October 22, 2017

A Letter to my Mommy on her 3rd birthday in Heaven

Happy 83rd Birthday Mommy!  How I wish you were here.  Things would be so so different!  I spent the week taking care of daddy.  You would be SO proud of him.  He's really keeping up all of your ways and traditions....the house looks almost like you're still there.  Almost lol.  The new comforter you'd HATE lol and you'd be flipping out over the guest room, but hey....he is who he is 😏.

When I'm there...in your home I feel this odd thing come over me when I'm in your kitchen cooking.  I slow down and I do things the way you would...and I'm so happy. By the way I FINALLY got the pasta fagioli to be the way daddy swears you made it.  Maybe you did make it that way, I don't remember it being so thick but what do I know.  He's a tough nut, Cookie....I give you a lot of credit for being so patient all those years.  Very very high standards that man has for those around him.  But you...you surpassed them all whether you realized it or not.  I know he realizes it.   It's difficult for me not to resort to being 13 again when I'm around him.  I need to remind myself that I'm not that little girl anymore.  I miss our knowing looks across the table when something was said.  I miss you laughing at my anecdotes and the joy on your face when I made you laugh.

You would think it would get easier as time passes but every time I go down to see Daddy it's harder.  I think about how different it would be during the entire drive there and by the time I walk in the door I'm so sad it's unbearable.  Stupid I know.  I should stop doing that, but you know me....can't let go of bad habits so quickly.  I can't help myself.  Living here...so close to you....things would be so different if you were alive.  I know you'd be visiting me more...Michaels is just up the street, we would be gluing and flowering and crafting up a storm.  You'd be teaching Lulu patience in cooking and baking.....and she'd be teaching you the ins and outs of being Lulu.  She misses you mommy.  Sometimes I find her crying in her room with your picture.  Breaks my heart every time.  She hears your voice and you calling her Emaline....she loves that.  She wears your clothes a lot...says she feels you with her. She's a trip ma....I know you watch over her.  Please stay with her...she's SUCH an incredible girl, she takes my breath away.

I know you are so proud of DTM!  You were always on his team.  He's incredible isn't he? Wow.....who would have thought such a little bullyameister (I have NO idea how to spell that) would turn into such an amazing man....well you did I know.  And his little Mrs. to be?  I know you would have loved her!  I do....she's just so perfect for him.  I wish you could be here to watch them plan their wedding and enjoy their love.  I know you are watching over them both and DTM misses you too. He talks about you all the time and it really upsets him that you never got to meet the love of his life.

I know you would be heartbroken to see the situation with my oldest.  You wouldn't understand and it would torture you....I'm glad you're not here to see that.  I couldn't bear the pain in your eyes that I know would be there and the anger it would turn into at the unfairness of it all.  But!  I need you to be diligent and stay with him ALWAYS please!!!!  Guide him and love him and show him the way.  I know you two never saw eye to eye when you were alive but he needs you.

So many things I wish you were here for.  I think about how much you would love my Prince Charming.  I can see your face when he'd be telling a story.  He's pretty fantabulous, but then again you know that because you sent him back into my life.  Thank you again for that.....the greatest gift you've ever given me.  I still wish you could be here to see it in person.  The way he treats the kids...and me....how much they love him. How happy we are together.... You would be so happy to see that. He's calm and he just gets me...even when I'm an emotional lunatic.  He's such a gentleman and I know how you'd love that. Things would have been so different if he had been around sooner.  Please keep working your magic mama.  So many good things that I know you're behind.

I'll keep seeing you in the butterflies and the other little signs you send.  I'll keep hearing you and passing along your messages (even though no one believes me half the time) and I will always hold you close to my heart and continue to do my very best to make you proud.  I'll cry when I hear our song and I'll laugh when I imagine your antics.  God, I miss you mommy.  I hope you have a happy birthday in heaven with Aunt Helen and Grandma and Uncle Don and all of your brothers and nephews.  They are so lucky to have you back with them.  Give Mr. and Mrs. Doyle a huge hug from me too.  I know if there are slot machines in heaven you'll be hitting the jackpot!

Happy Birthday mommy.  I love you xoxoxo


Tinabellina


Friday, August 25, 2017

Oh Danny Boy....

I've written numerous posts about my cream filling son.  I am certain I will write numerous more.  I can't help it.  He inspires me.  He is an amazing human being.  He will give me credit for him becoming that human being....I will take none.  Even though, as of late, I see myself so clearly in him it scares me - the good and the bad.  However, the impact of who he is as a person and the way he will change the lives of everyone he meets is all him.  He inspires me to live up to his opinion and vision of me.  He thinks I'm incredible....so I need to strive to be that.  He deserves nothing less.

He got engaged last month.  It was just a heartwarming, magical moment.  His fiance?  She's just as incredible as he is.  I see them together and I think, wow!  How lucky are they that they found each other at the tender age of 16 and 17 and realized it then!  I see their future so clearly and it is going to be amazing!  God definitely works through them and it's so beautiful to watch and be a part of.  They are living with me right now so I get a front row seat and I get to spend a lot of time with my future daughter in law which is a gift in itself.  Before he started dating her I wrote a blog post which was a letter to his future wife.  Well....she's more than I could have hoped for.  I'm so grateful for her presence in our lives and for her being part of our family.  She sees my son the way I see my son.  And by her loving him the way she does she is allowing him to grow into the man he is becoming---the man he is meant to be.  What a blessing.

I tease her all the time because my son and I have a very unique relationship.  We joke and dis each other and if anyone who didn't know us heard the way we talk to each other they would be shocked and appalled.  When he is rude and obnoxious to me I look at her and say "Do you see that?  Tsk Tsk you know they say you can tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother!  You should be writing this down!"  She laughs and says "I know!  I'm scared! I think I need a new notebook!"  Truth in that statement?  She's the luckiest woman alive.  If that is true, that you can tell what kind of husband he will be by the way he treats his mother?  She will be treasured and adored for the rest of her life.  The honest truth is that my son treats me like gold.  He never disrespects me.  He always wants to help me and make life easier. He appreciates me the way most children appreciate their parents once they are parents themselves. She's in for a wonderful life!  And she deserves it...she is an answered prayer in the way she loves my son!

Last week after working 8 hours 5 days a week and going to school 2 full days (with 5 hours of commute time...in traffic) he stopped to buy flowers for his fiance.  We were talking on the phone while he was doing this.  When I got home there was candy and cake on the table for his sister and me as well with notes from him.  I had asked him on the phone why he was doing this when he was clearly so tired and stressed and he said it made him happy to do nice things for her.  It made him feel good to make her happy.  It brought me back to a Christmas when he was recovering from cancer and he made my dad take him out shopping to buy presents.  He bought (with his own money) gifts for his siblings, his dad and me and his grandparents.  I was struck then at how happy he was to give those presents.  He was 11!

This week I was feeling overwhelmingly sad.  So many changes in life and yet somethings remain stubbornly unchanged and it is wearing me down.  I had a text conversation with him and I got to the bottom of what was bothering me and poof.  It's gone.  How does that happen?  How does the student become the teacher?  I'm not sure.....but what I am sure of is that I thank God every single day for blessing me with the honor of being his mother.  And I will treasure my relationship with him forever!  Love you stupid xoxoxoxo

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I've looked at clouds from both sides now.....

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I wake up every day intending for it to be a fabulous day.  This has always worked in the past for me.  I believe your state of mind has a lot to do with the outcome of things.  Last week I was ready to kick life's proverbial ass.  I was armed and ready to take back my happiness and make the best of every second.  I've done it before (most of my life if I think about it) and I was determined to do it again.  Saturday, done.....Sunday oh yea I was on top of the world....Monday still working it....Tuesday---exploded.  I mean bad.  Like the worst I've ever lost it in my life.  I went into a dark place that quite frankly scared me.  I guess it's been building up and the mask I've been wearing got tight.  Unfortunately, my house is small and my kids are always home so they witnessed it.  Not my proudest mom moment.  So, for all of you who always tell me you admire my relationship with my kids ----know I'm a trainwreck sometimes.  My creme filling son just watched and waited for me to calm down so he could hug me. He cleaned up the glass from a frame that fell off the wall when I slammed my door (trying to get privacy, which is nearly impossible).  My daughter went into the kitchen and started cleaning (guilt cleaning....realizing that I do it all by myself and that I'm pretty tired)....my son told me I should flip out more often so she does what she's supposed to lol.  I can't explain what came over me but it was ugly.  I'm crying as I type this remembering it---it felt like someone else's emotions and someone else's actions.  I regained composure relatively quickly but it still shook me to the core.  I cried out to my mom and begged for her to help me.  I am rarely angry anymore....the last 5 years rid me of that emotion.  I still get angry don't get me wrong but not like I used to.  Maybe that's why it shook me.  Maybe that's why my daughter was so upset, she's never seen that side of me.  I hope she never does again.  This year has given me more than I can handle.  And I don't see an end in sight, quite honestly.  It scares me.  I can't seem to climb out of the negative place that has become home to me.   But I will, I know.  It never stays bad forever.  If you look back over your life you'll see that.  But for now....it seems to be my new normal.  I'm sure there is a lesson to learn in all of this, but honestly I don't see it at the moment.


That  was written in April and never published.  It's funny because I went to write today about pretty much the same thing, minus the anger.  I'm broken still.  Life has continued to assault me with too much negativity.  I have cried more tears this year and in the last month than I think I have in my entire life.  Cleansing?  Maybe.  But I haven't felt the relief yet.  The other day I went to the gym....I was on the treadmill for six minutes and I was reading a book regarding an issue that is prevelant in my life right now...I lost my shit.  I mean totally lost it.  Bawling like a crazy person.  I had to leave the gym.  Luckily my sister was available and talked me off the ledge.....again!  Honestly, my brother and sister have been there for me around the clock this last month and I am so incredibly grateful for them.  I've had many people tell me how lucky I am that I have so many people that love me, and I am.  I'm a very very blessed woman in that department.  However, there are very few people that I can let in on what's going on in my life at this moment.  It makes it hard when I know people want to help.  But it's necessary.  I've lost so much in the last month.  I've lost my hope.  I've lost my ability to look at the bright side.  I've lost my heart...it's broken, quite possibly beyond repair.  And it keeps coming.  Yesterday I had to put my dog down.  I never imagined how heartbroken I'd be and how difficult it would be.  I think that was the last straw.  I think that was the final blow.  I am writing this because I need to get it out, but it's not cathartic like writing normally is for me.  I am feeling at the moment like nothing will ever be ok again.  I feel like I'm drowning and I keep swimming and yet I can't get air.

My younger son got engaged this past week.  I felt total and complete joy for the first time in months.  They are so so very happy and I feel utterly and completely guilty for all the tears I'm shedding during this joyous time in their lives.  I'm trying...really trying to just "get over it" but it's so much more than that.  I put on a happy face as best as I can and I try to focus on the good stuff but it's just not working this time.  I will keep trying.  I will keep relishing the moments when I feel like myself.  I'm praying that every day those moments will become longer.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up feeling like me again, and I know it will happen.  I just have to admit this is the darkest time of my life.  In 52 years I have never felt like this for this long.  I know I'm blessed and I know it could be so much worse, but right now?  In this moment? I'm broken.   I have lost so much I can't seem to feel like I will recover.  BUT, I know there are lessons to learn.  I know that I've figured some out....and I pray that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train.

Here's what I've learned:

I can't fix everything.  Your children become adults and they need to be responsible for their actions and their lives.  Letting go of that is a tough pill for me, but I'm learning.

The people that you thought would be there for you at your worst, just aren't.  Instead of beating yourself up for needing them you have to just let it go and realize it is what it is.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people over and over again.  It's not punishment and it isn't always your lesson to learn.

I have to get my strength from within.  Not from anything or anybody, because relying on someone else to give you strength is dangerous because that person can take it away at any time.

The sun will come out tomorrow and after the rain at some point there will be a rainbow.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

It's More than a feeling...

Happy Saturday!  Yup, it's going to be....you know why?  Because I'm choosing to make it so!  Enough of these crappy 2017 vibes already, I'm over it.  What appeared to begin as the best year of my life has gone horribly wrong.  I've fought upstream for the last 4 months trying to figure it all out.  The hows and the whys and the when is it going to get better....I've pasted a smile on my face and gone through the motions and tried to fake it until I make it.  I forgot how much I friggin HATE that.  I have done it most of my life and I promised myself I'd never go back.  Well, I slipped....I'm human.  But no more!  I've been allowing what I don't have to be the focus of my life the last 4 months instead of focusing on what I DO have.  Which is pretty incredible!  I have once again given my life over to God in action not just in word and it makes all the difference.  I will no longer fret about things that I don't have and things that are out of my control.  I've done my best to fix them and that's all a person can do.  It's time to focus on all the blessings in my life, and there are many!

First of all I woke up this morning, so that's a good start. I am healthy and so is my family.  I will never EVER take that for granted.  I have friends and family and former classmates that cannot say that.  Some of them live with debilitating illnesses and special needs children and sick spouses....I admire them.  And I'm gonna throw a pity party?  No way, not any more!  I have an amazing job, truly heaven sent, along with that job comes bosses who are like family to me--that alone is enough for me to be grateful every day.  I have friends all around the world who get me!  Truly get me.  I can reach out to any one of them at any time and they are there.  #blessed.   I have a family that loves me (most of the time 😏), my dad will be 87 in a few weeks and he is healthy and self sufficient, still working and traveling. My kids, well I've written enough about my kids so I don't need to go any further with that.  I have an extremely cordial relationship with my ex and had the easiest divorce on the planet.   I'm a lucky girl!  Spring has sprung and so has my positive attitude.

I realized that the first half of every year is usually a struggle for me.  I don't know much about numerology but I did have a reading recently about life cycles and some number for the year and what it means.  Apparently you have 52 days after your birthday each year to tie up the lose ends for the cycle the year before, who knew?  Well, that lands in March for me.  Makes sense why I usually start feeling better in April.  I also realized that I'm a problem solver.  I don't like having yuck feelings in my life, I don't like negative stuff.  So.  I do whatever it takes to get rid of it.  But what about the stuff that's out of my control?  I find that I hold onto that shit like a life preserver.  Only what it does is make me sink.  When I've done everything I can do and I still can't fix the problem I need to learn to let it go.  Sometimes it hurts more than anything else, because ....well just because.  But I've come to realize that hanging on to that focus of what I can't have just makes the rest of my life seem bleak.  That's not how I want to live. If it's meant to fix itself it will, it's out of my hands and I need to accept that and focus on the good.

I listen to Abraham Hicks a lot on and off.  I struggle with the concept of the Law of Attraction because I do believe in Destiny and Fate and Meant to Be occurrences in life and I go back and forth with how that works.  I also believe in Divine Timing and that conflicts with Abraham's teachings. What I have figured out though is it's all about the feeling.  If you find the things in life to feel good about you will have more good things come to you.  And when negative things come you just have to address them and then do your best to not focus on them.  You have to trust that better days are coming and they will.  We were discussing our annual Easter Egg hunt the other morning and my son said "Well, next year I probably won't be here, so...." and I said "So, we'll do it the week before or the week after" problem solved.  Now, could I focus on the fact that this year will be the end of an era?  The end of not having to share holidays with their significant other's families?  Could I get sad thinking about all the years when I dressed them up on Easter and stuffed 200 plastic eggs for the family egg hunt?  No.  I won't do that.  It's just a bend in the road, not the end.  Just a change in direction.  There are still plenty of memories to be made, and good times to celebrate.  Because after all......it's just a day in the life <3

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Siblings are the gift you're not sure you ever asked for.....but it keeps on giving

Yesterday was apparently National Sibling Day.  Who knew?  I swear I want to meet the person who invents these days.  National Puppy Day, Siblings day, people with a larger second toe than big toe day....c'mon!  However, I do love my siblings and yesterday did make me realize some things.

My daughter posted a snap chat dedicated to her brothers.  What a way to start my day!  My daughter is not the mushy, sentimental type.  It meant a lot that she did that.  If any of my kids were to do that I would have thought it would have been my Creme Filling son.  He's my mushy one, outwardly.  I've been spending a lot of time with my kids one on one lately, mostly because they all have different schedules and there is usually someone awake at any hour of the day.  We have been having more family dinners because the schedules have been matching up.  It's so much nicer than when they were little and they would fight for voice time and attention.  Now it's usually either a deep topic or it's someone being goofy and someone running from the table choking from laughter. It's so nice to watch them become friends.  My boys went out the other night at 1:00am to Waffle House together and sat outside talking until the early hours of the morning.  Such a happy discovery for me the next morning.  My creme filling son made his sister a virgin pina colada and himself a real one and they played board games the other night.  All without me having to be part of it.(they invited me, of course, but I really wasn't in the mood) It was oddly comforting. I want them to have relationships with each other that have nothing to do with me. There was a time when that would have sent me into a sheer panic to think about life without my kids needing me every second.  Now?  It is welcome.  I'm ready for the next stage of life! My oldest and youngest have a tumultuous relationship.  It will pass. There was a time when they were thick as thieves and my middle son was at odds with one or both of them.  It's the nature of siblings and growing pains.   It still happens with my siblings and me.

Since I was a little girl this is what I wanted.  This family that I have built.  They would rather spend time with each other than anyone else in the world.  My son and I had a conversation about it the other night during one of our famous talks.  (Both of us are in long distance relationships at the moment so we have a lot of time to talk.  That will change soon, as the long distance comes to an end for him, so I am enjoying every moment.)  We were talking about the fact that we are all very happy just having each other (and for him and me our significant others) and we don't need a lot of outside people in our lives.  We do everything together.  I think if we had stayed on Long Island things would have been different, but I don't think we would be as happy or peaceful as we are now.  We lived in Arizona for 12 years and although we made important friendships it never overshadowed the closeness we have with each other.  We were on the topic of reincarnation and what we believe.  He said he thinks this is all of our last times on earth.  When I asked him why he said, "because I think we've all learned what we needed to, experienced what we needed to.  I don't want another mom or siblings or another love of my life.  The ones I have are perfect for me, so why would I have to reincarnate?"  Good point.  How lucky are we?  It's just a day in the life....



Saturday, April 8, 2017

I can open your eyes....take you wonder by wonder....

Yesterday my daughter and I went to Disney...not a shock we're there at least twice a week.  I wanted to see the Nemo musical because, well I hadn't yet, and I like to experience every attraction.  I didn't like the movie, not sure WHY I insisted we see this, but I did.  Well, it was awful, but very eye opening in so many aspects of life.  Follow me on this one, I'm all over the place but hopefully I will tie it up in a neat little bow 🙆.

Within the first two minutes of the show they show Nemo's mom disappear.  There was a little girl behind us that just screamed "NO!!!!!" and started sobbing.  She was screaming on and off for the first 5 minutes she was so upset.  My heart absolutely broke for her....I just couldn't stop wanting to make it better for her.  I was brought back to when I saw Dumbo in the movie theater.  I have never remembered this before yesterday.  When Dumbo is taken from his mother and they are touching trunks I remember just being devastated!  Of course I was raised to shove those feelings inside and God Forbid don't show them in public.  I remember looking over at my sister (who was 8 years older) and she looked perfectly fine.  I think my mom was there too (which is weird because I never remember going to the movies as a family except to the drive in once to see Peter Pan) and she grimaced a little.  It stayed with me for a long time after but I don't think I ever spoke about it until now.  I thought about Bambi and when his mother was shot...there is a part of the Frozen musical at Disney where the guy says "They DIED?????  What is this Bambi?  Or Finding Nemo?  or Cinderella?  or Tarzan?  Or EVERY SINGLE Disney movie ever?"  That gets a huge chuckle from the audience every time.  But after this it got me to thinking.  Why?  Why did Walt find it necessary to make children's movies that have the most horrific thing that could happen to a child happen and we, as society eat it up with a spoon?  What's wrong with us lol?  Than I realized that there were a thousand other people in that theatre watching Nemo and that little girl was the only one I heard having such a hard time with it.  Why?  Are people so desensitized to it?  Is it because everyone knew it was going to happen?  Than we went to see It's Tough to be a bug.  My daughter and I were screaming, no joke screaming the first time we went.  Ducking down, covering our heads when the spiders came down.  Now, we are prepared and assume the position before they release the spiders.  Well....there was a little kid behind us yesterday that obviously didn't get the memo.  He was SCREAMING and crying and I swear I never saw a dad move so fast in my life to get him out of there.  Again....I had to wonder, what the HELL is wrong with Walt Disney?  Why does he enjoy traumatizing children? Than I realized that some people ENJOY that....and that perception is reality.

That made me think of another movie by Walt.  Snow White.  And I thought about the dwarfs and how they are viewed by people differently.  I always loved Dopey (obviously!) and I thought of Grumpy as the "bad dwarf".  My very own prince Charming changed all that for me. He LOVES Grumpy and identifies with him.  That kinda disturbed me at first, not gonna lie, but than he said Couldn't you tell that Grumpy had a crush on Snow White?  I was like huh?  He pointed out that when Snow White paid attention to Grumpy he blushed and how he was very protective over her.  How the hell did I miss that????  He has an uncanny way of making me see things I've never seen before...he's magical like that.  This was all spinning in my head yesterday as I contemplated whether or not Walt Disney was a mean man 😈

It occurred to me that his movies were meant to touch people in different ways.  To show real life in fantasy, if that makes any sense.  Today most people don't want to see that the bad often brings the good.  That without sadness you can't truly appreciate the joy. Way to go Walt.  Life is not always perfect.  There are hard times along the way but if you stick with it, you get your happy ending.  And in between, it's just a day in the life 💓

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I will not make the same mistakes that you did....

Divorce.  It's an ugly word for many people.  For me?  It was an oasis.  The beginning of an amazing sense of freedom in my life. The beginning of me becoming me.  I knew my children would be ok because I would make sure of it.  They encouraged me to divorce their father, truth be told.  They knew how unhappy I was.  My daughter was too young to really have an opinion.  She was only 5 when her father started traveling two weeks out of the month for business and she was 8 when we divorced.  I worried that she'd have "daddy issues" but than realized she could have those whether or not I divorced her father.

My sons deal with their father very very differently.  My oldest has completely shut him out.  The only thing they had in common was sports and my oldest isn't really interested in talking about that any more.  If I'm being honest I think he sees things in his father that he doesn't like in himself and it scares him. I think he thinks if he distances himself than it can't penetrate his world. It penetrates my world however, because I find myself dealing with issues that I thought I had rid myself of.  And this is my son....I can't divorce him.  I feel the same frustration and anger grip my insides when these behaviors show themselves.  Lately I have been reduced to tears as I relive a part of my life that I was so very happy to leave behind.  I've worked SO hard to become a different person and not allow negative forces to affect me and not to live in the past.  I find myself shutting down where he is concerned and he isn't having it.  Much like his father he gets in my face and vies for my attention/reaction, good or bad it doesn't matter, he just wants it, although he'd NEVER admit that.  He thinks his siblings are up my ass and he laughs at it.  Even typing this I feel the familiar wrench of my insides.  I've taken to just praying to God to just change it all or take away it's affect on me.  I have no power over it, other than to fight him daily or be insincere...neither of which are in my capabilities.  He can be very thoughtful and giving, it's just that sometimes it's really hard to receive it. He seems to have gotten the worst of his father and me.

My younger son had a time when he did that, shut his father out.  He had a very rough period his Freshman year of high school but that helped him heal and he has a relatively healthy relationship with his father.  Yesterday I realized that my oldest is hell bent on showing me everything I don't want in a man and my younger son is showing me everything that I do!  There is a reason for this I'm sure...I just haven't figured it out yet.  My younger son has done everything in his power to be the kind of man he would have wanted his father to be.  He is the most incredible partner to his long time girlfriend.  Always putting her needs first, thinking of ways to make her smile.  He talks about their future with this light in his eyes, so excited for it, it makes my heart sing for them.  Even with his sister and me, he's so thoughtful.  I got a text from him yesterday asking to take me to lunch this week.  He really is an amazing man.  He seems to have gotten the very best qualities of his father and me, although I know he works at keeping the negative at bay.

My daughter? She is a tough nut.  She doesn't get very close to anyone really.  I used to attribute that to the fact that since she was a year old the people she loves have come and gone in her life since we moved across the country from our entire family.  I've since realized that she has learned to be very selective on who she gives that love to. She has a healthy balance, I hope, of loving people but not relying on their presence in her life.  I wish I had that ability, truth be told.  She is extremely attached to me at this point in life...fiercely protective of me.  We were at Disney yesterday and stopped to have some drinks and a snack and it wound up being a 45 minute heart to heart conversation which ended with her having tears streaming down her face. There is a lot that she notices and doesn't speak of and I was so happy we were able to have that time to talk.  I have felt, at times, that she didn't really need or want to be close to me the way the boys had.  I am realizing that she does and she treasures our relationship in a way I hoped she would.  I think her friends have a lot to do with that.   They are all 13 and hate their moms and their stepdads (yes, most are children of divorce as well) and she realizes that she's pretty lucky.  She sees the stark contrast in the relationship I have with her brothers and she is determined not to go down the path that brings us to discord.  I told her there might come a day when she feels differently and all I ask is when she wants to roll her eyes and say she hates me that she remembers this conversation 😉.  I see so many of my good qualities in her and none of my bad ...well maybe a few 😛I will keep a close eye on her as these teen years progress and do my best to help her not repeat my mistakes.  As far as men in her life as role models? She has a few. Good ones.  Ones that love her tremendously.  Can't ask for more than that.  Or can I? In the end the best I can do is do my best and let God do the rest.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Somewhere over the rainbow....

I had a long overdue conversation with my sister yesterday.  It was so needed and so therapeutic.  There is something about talking to someone who knows everything about you and comes from the same place that is like a spoon full of sugar.  It never fails that every time we talk a cardinal shows up and that lets us know our mom is there.

Our mom was one of the many subjects we touched on yesterday but one that led to so many of those other subjects.  I've been missing my mom a lot lately still.  It is strange because I know if I had the opportunity to talk to her about my life right now she wouldn't be able to help.  Nothing she would say would comfort me, in actuality I probably would have gotten pissed off to be honest.  She didn't know how to give advice, she only knew how to feel badly for me and I am someone who despises pity.  She would also tell me how incredibly strong and brave she thought I was and how she could never do what I do.  Instead of making me feel better that usually made me feel worse.  Because, if I'm being truthful, all I ever wanted growing up was to be my mom.  She always seemed to have it together.  The house was always like a hotel, show room ready. Dinner?  Fabulous every SINGLE night (no, I'm NOT exaggerating).  She always greeted my dad with a smile on her face, no matter how she felt inside and she seemed happy just being home with her family.  That is me.  In a nutshell.  Or is it?

My sister and I discussed how much our parents missed out on by living this seemingly perfect life.  FUN.  There was no fun in their world, it was all about maintaining the perfect life and the way it looked.  Blech.  I got over that when I quit the PTA in 2001.  I realized then that the illusion of perfection truly took away from what was truly important....spending time with my family.  I suppose I continued the illusion as far as my marriage with a lot of people because when I got divorced a lot of people told me they had no idea that I wasn't happy. And the Oscar goes to......  But as far as my kids? I became the mom I would have wanted.  They tell me everything and I give them my real life experience as help, not just "well just do it! or NO! you can't DO that!"  Lately they've been realizing it all and they are too kind with the praise.  My daughter went from being too cool to hug me or basically talk to me when I'm at school to running over to me and hugging me in front of the entire student body.  Why?  Because when she's face timing her friends every day and they hear and see pretty much everything that goes on in my house they have labeled me as "cool" and her as "lucky".  I'll take it!  But, I digress....back to what the illusion of perfection makes you miss out on.....

My sister was here a few weeks ago and we went to the beach and even got my dad to meet us there for dinner.  After dinner we (OK I) said I needed to go walk down to the water one more time.  Our dad joined us!  He's never done that in all the years they've been in Florida (32 years!).  So sad.  We discussed how we wish they had enjoyed their lives more.  They could have been like newlyweds again when they moved in 1985---no kids, no grandchildren yet....in this beautiful paradise they dreamed of moving to since 1973!  But instead they continued the routine they had followed my entire childhood.  Never looking outside the box.

The other day I was at the Magic Kingdom with my youngest son and we were on It's a Small World.  I started to tear up because my mom loved loved loved that ride.  I remember the look on her face every time we'd ride it.  Then I thought about my kids and what they'd remember about me.....mommy was a roller coaster junkie 😋.  I see so many moms not fully enjoying the time at the parks with their kids because they are in mom mode, or they're afraid or omg the excuses I hear for them for not going on rides with their kids.  I'm so grateful that I don't have any fears and I enjoy the rides just as much (OK, sometimes more) than my kids do.  I'm actually not very sympathetic to fears and anxieties so I'm grateful none of my kids have them either.  That's a blog for another day 😉

My point in all this is that life is SHORT!  Way too short to be anything but happy.  I know I've said it before but it's true.  I know sometimes life gets in the way and you can't always control the negative feelings, but if you can and you choose not to just because "this is how I've always done things" that's just crazy!  We are all given the same 24 hours in a day and what you choose to put into those 24 hours are what makes your life worth living.  I've been working on a List book with a very incredible young lady that I'm blessed to know.  We do our lists and then share them with each other to keep the other accountable.  She's living in Turkey so it's done remotely, but I look forward to those days when we share them.  I love seeing her viewpoint on life, she's such an inspirational young woman.  Last week it was What always cheers you up.  It's funny how simple our lists were.  There was no extravagant things on either one of them.  It was the simple little things.  So....no matter if you're 25 or 52 you should always find time for the things that make you happy.  For some of us it's a challenge first to figure out what those things are.  I'm sure if my mom and dad were asked they wouldn't have been able to answer that easily.  Can you?  Try it....and than go out and DO some of the things on your list!  Because after all......it's just a day in the life

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Dream is a Wish your heart makes..

I keep reading about the new moon and manifesting and how it's the perfect time to do so.  I went through an entire year doing prayer and meditation rituals for the full and new moons.  It became a bit taxing on my perfectionist mentality because I didn't always want to do it on the specific day allotted.  It caused stress and annoyance and that's the complete opposite of what it's supposed to do.

This morning I had a conversation with a long lost friend who reminded me of something I had taught her that has manifested into this amazing, incredible life for her.  She always thanks me for it but I forget I was the one who told her to do it.  She manifested her Perfect Soul mate.  I remember watching it all unfold and knowing that somehow it was going to work out.  They were living across the country from each other, both in very difficult divorce situations with children who were less than eager to be supportive.  Well, let me go back to the manifesting part.

I told her that she needed to make a list.  A list of all the qualities she wanted in this person.  It was VERY important to not use the word not or doesn't when wording the list.  For example....I want a partner who is forgiving instead of I want a partner who doesn't hold grudges.....get the drift? I want a partner who is easy going as opposed to I want a partner who is not controlling.  She laughed (that's kinda all we did together to be honest) and I wasn't sure she would do it.  I reminded her several times and she'd joke and say well of course he's not here I haven't made my list!  Well damned if she finished the list and he showed up shortly after.  Her knight in shining armor.  Her perfect match!  To the outside world it may have seemed doomed from the start or too good to be true or impossible.  But nothing is impossible if you truly believe!  Six months later she was in a UHaul driving herself to romantic New Jersey (ha!) to live happily ever after.  There were still obstacles in the way but that didn't stop our trusty Heroine...she was determined to follow the dream.  We fell out of touch and I totally understand it.  When you're following the dream you sometimes need to take a step back from people who might make you doubt that the path will work or anyone who could make you feel anything but joy about the path. We both moved across the country and have 3 children each and life gets in the way.  Out of the blue yesterday she sent something that touched my heart in a way that she couldn't know I needed and I texted her back to thank her.  We had a quick catch up session and not only is her happily ever after happening, they're moving in together this weekend and she is just beyond the moon.  All because of faith and a list and intention......Miracles happen every single day!

So....instead of wondering why life isn't going your way think about whether or not you have decided what you want your life to look like.  Have you sent clear signals to the Higher powers (I say God, some say universe) about exactly what it is that you want?  Do you even know?  That's the problem chickadee.  You're sending all kinds of *stuff* out there and none of it is bringing you what you want!  Make that list!  If it's a new job you want write a detailed list of what it looks like!  Don't dream small dream BIG.  I made a 4 page list once and it was delivered! When I needed a job (after 17 years of being out of the workplace and having kids to drive back and forth to school) I just put it out to God (I didn't even WRITE that one...)that I needed a job that would be flexible and take care of my needs.  It took 3 months but it came, as easy as getting a phone call from a friend!  Not every wish is granted overnight but divine timing has a place in it all as well.  Things need to be adjusted to bring you what you need. New home?  Where? What does it look like?  How much is it?  But the key is to let go after you write it.  Some even burn theirs during the new moon.  I didn't like that idea because I have a terrible memory and I wouldn't know if I got what I wanted ;) but hey, to each his own!

So, grab your pen, paper and your heart's desires and start deciding what you want.....and than have faith and believe and don't get all caught up in the hows and whens just know.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life!

Monday, March 27, 2017

The other man's grass is always greener....the sun shines brighter on the other side

Today I received a text that pretty much woke me up out of a negative place.  You know....that place where you focus on what you don't have instead of being grateful for what you do have?!  Yea....that one.

Yesterday I woke up with knots in my stomach for many reasons.  Unfortunately, lately, that's been more the norm than I care to admit.  I usually shake myself out of it at some point during the day but yesterday I had a feeling it wasn't going anywhere.  Yesterday marked the day 23 years ago that I became a mom.  Now, before you go thinking I'm making it about me hear me out!  My oldest son decided 3 years ago he didn't want to celebrate his birthday anymore.  His 21st passed without us even muttering happy birthday at his request.  It was a month after my mom passed away so I was already in mourning so it was just another shaker of salt in an already open wound.  Last year we were able to say Happy Birthday but no special dinner, no cake....very difficult for me, but it wasn't ABOUT me, it was about honoring his wishes.  I was feeling ok about it because at least I got to spend the day with him and I sang in my head and the day before I said "still in labor" about 12 times to myself instead of out loud.  This year....well....he worked all day.  I was lucky to catch him at 2 am the morning of and I said Happy Birthday and gave him his card before stumbling to bed.  My daughter and I baked special cookies and left them out and as she said "even though there are no candles at least it's something special".  I'm not going to lie, it is really difficult to just ignore the day that marks a before and after in my world.  And it makes me so sad that a day that used to involve 3 months of planning now passes without acknowledging it.

My first act yesterday morning was to meditate to take away the ugly feelings I was having.  I was guided to a book that I rarely open. It's called God Calling by AJ Russell.  It has a different message for every day of the year.  Yesterday's was brilliant....

"I am with you to guide you and help you.  Unseen forces are controlling your destiny. Your petty fears are groundless.  What of a man walking through a glorious glade who fretted because ahead there lay a river and he might not be able to cross it, when all the time, that river was spanned by a bridge?  And what if that man had a friend who knew the way-had planned it-and assured him that a not part of the journey would any unforeseen contingency arise, and that all was well?  So leave your foolish fears, and follow Me, your Guide, and determinedly refuse to consider the problems of tomorrow.  My message to you is trust and wait."

The tears began to flow after the first two sentences.  Of course, how could I forget.  My entire demeanor was changed and my outlook on the day and my life brightened.  It was all going to be okay no matter what.  God had brought me over that bridge so many times before and although what was waiting on the other side was not always what I thought I
wanted it was always better and what I needed.

This morning I received a text message from a friend whose son was in a horrible car accident in December, right before Christmas.  She sent me a video of her son, who has been unresponsive, moving his index finger at the command of his doctor.  Tears?  Goosebumps?  You have no idea!  To think that such a small movement could bring such jubilation!  Such hope and promise!  I was reminded how grateful I need to be for the incredible life I've been given.  I have so so much to be grateful for!  I have 3 amazing, healthy, smart children, a dad who at nearly 87 years old still works and has an active social life and is healthy, nieces and nephews that are smart and funny and healthy and loving, a sister and a brother who are there for me always if I need them, bosses who are like family to me and who appreciate me and make my life so much easier, friends who check up on me all the time, and understand that as of late I've not wanted to talk much-who is luckier than me?  This will be my focus as I go forward this Spring, of all that I have not what I don't.  After all......it's just a day in the life!

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

there'll be peace when you are done....lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more.

OK so far 2017 is not going as planned.  I want to say it sucks, but there have been far too many happy moments to lump those in with the sucking.  I've spent time with people visiting, my bosses (who are also my friends), my cousin, my niece, my sister, brother in law and Godson, my friends from Arizona....it's been a busy few months.  I'm spending a lot of time with my kids and wayyyy too much time at Walt's world.  All good times and a lot of fun.  I've been to the beach almost more this year than I had been in the last 12 and that is just paradise.  So what's my problem?  Most people would love to have my life.  I'm truly blessed I know this.  I can only explain it by saying there is a huge whole in it and I can't fill it.  I am still extremely grateful EVERY day for the blessings I have.  I thank God every single night for all of them.  I know how lucky I am.  I just feel empty. 

I came home with my son from the gym today and my daughter told me the vacuum wasn't working....I actually broke down in tears and had to leave the room.  Last night our dog was having...ummm let me put this tactfully...bathroom issues and guess who got the great job of getting the remains off of her behind.  It all happened in the middle of me cooking dinner and I was just so worn out, I'm tired of being strong, I really am.  I know I am a very strong woman...hell person.  I know I'm capable and dependable understanding and bleck....so over it.  I know this is a time of growth and change for me.  I'm just really tired of it all.  The self discovery, the always tweaking the personality traits that I think are not assets, the looking in the mirror and working on changing what I see physically.  The never having someone there to have my back when I decide to break....here's what I've learned.

I had a psychic read me the other day and tell me basically that I didn't love myself.  I got her fired.  Not lying.  A few years ago I would have gone with that.  I didn't love myself.  I put everyone else before me and than I'd be bitter and pissed off.  I was self absorbed and negative.  I had a brutal temper and was quick with my tongue and critical at times....OK a lot.  But in the past 8 years or so I've done so much work that if it had been plastic  surgery you would not even know it was me.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror.  When people compliment me...I believe it.  I realize that the people I choose to have in my life are fortunate because they can't ask for someone who will care more than me. I've recently deactivated my FaceBook account for a lot of reasons and I get messages, emails, texts daily asking if I'm OK because people are noticing I'm not on there....it makes me feel so good and makes me realize that maybe I do make an impact on people's lives. My kids love me more than I deserve, that much I'll say, but when people tell me I'm a good mom and most moms don't do what I do....I accept it.  I'm not too shabby lol.  I've spent my entire life thinking I was ordinary and that everyone was like me.  I've realized the hard way that that is totally not true.  I've never felt good enough, always trying to do better, be better, look better. Now?  I'm OK with who I am.  She's not bad company.  She's a little annoying at times, like a dog with a bone when she can't fix stuff, but she's a'ight. 

I had a conversation with my ex husband the other day.  He is dating someone and is blissfully happy and it's so nice to see.  He hasn't told his family about her yet and he was venting to me about them.  He apologized again for allowing them to treat me the way they had.  He said he was ashamed of himself for it.  I told him not to be, they were a huge catalyst in me becoming the person I am today.  I don't regret any of it and neither should he.  I stopped mid sentence and I said to him....do you realize that I forgive people way too easily?  Like seriously, I just forgive and move on without skipping a beat.  Why do I do that?  Why don't I ever hold anyone accountable for their shitty treatment of me?  He said, well.....you divorced me so that held me accountable lol.  I said yea....after 23 YEARS!  And boom immediately forgave you.  He chuckled and said it was one of the things he hated about me when we were married but he admired it now. I thought about it long after we hung up the phone.  Is it a good quality always?  I don't know.  I guess it is because if someone craps on me enough I wind up cutting them out of my life and I never look back.  I don't hold a grudge, I wish them all good things, I just don't want to deal with them in my world.  I just want peace....and happiness.  

I've gone back to meditating and it does help. Daily prayer is an understatement.  God is probably so tired of hearing me I think He's about to block me (kidding!).  Most days I surrender and give it to God and I know He's got a plan for me that's better than I could have dreamt.  The last time I gave it all to Him my life became better than it had ever been before.  So I have faith that even if things don't turn out the way I want them to I will be happy with the plan God has in store.  In the manifesting world we say "this or something better" when we're deciding what we want.  I know there is magic going on behind the scenes in my life to bring blessings yet unknown.  I just have to cleanse my heart and be prepared for them.  And unlike the old me who would say "I don't deserve to be this happy!".....this me is saying bring it on, it's my time!  After all.....it's just a day in the life!


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

There's a hope in every new seed and every flower that grows upon the earth....

Happy March.  Yes please, thank you!  I've never paid much attention to different times of the year and what they mean to me.  I am a live in the moment kinda gal.  It took me FOREVER to be that person.  I used to live in the future.  I couldn't wait to get married, have kids, buy a house, next vacation, next Christmas, planning the kids birthdays....Madonna mi how much time I wasted not enjoying the moment. 2016 was a year filled with much change and so so much happiness.  It made me feel like sadness would never touch me again.  Wrongo.  I'm not immune to rough times and sadness, hello.  However, what I've realized so far in 2017 is that by living in the moment I have a tendency to forget all the joy and happiness I've had and focus on the present misery and think that's my new reality.  Just like when I'm happy and full of joy I think THAT's my new reality.  Balance, woman.  Balance.  Life is a circle and when bad times are here you know the good is right around the bend.

I woke up this morning to an envelope under my door.  Hmmm.  Normally those letters came when the kids have done something wrong or were punished for something and wanted to apologize or plead their cases.  None of those things have occurred in a very long time.  I saw my oldest sons handwriting on the envelope....a very thick envelope.  Shit.  What the hell now?  I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because things with him are never easy.  It was a 5 page letter about our relationship and what he thought we needed to do to improve it.  It was very nice.  I just don't have it in me right now to deal with it all.  He is so different than me.  He communicates in a whole different way than I'm used to.  I have to choose my words so carefully.  I miss the days when we were so close and I didn't have to think at all when communicating with him.  I can't have normal face to face conversations with him.  A letter will probably be the best response to it.  It's funny but he said at the end of the letter "I apologize for not being the son you wanted me to be, but thank you for allowing me to be who I am".    Makes me sad, he has NO idea that I didn't ever want him to be anything but HAPPY. I have no set thought in my head of what I wanted my kids to be.  No pressure to be a doctor, lawyer, police officer, politician, none of that! My other kids know this.  They know that whatever choices they make, whether I agree or not as long as it makes THEM happy that's all I care about.  The only change I would make in my oldest is that he was easier to be close to.  I have faith that eventually he might be, but who knows.  The fact that he wants that closeness with me again is the first step I suppose.

I have very few people in my life that get to see the complete me.  My friend Jill is pretty much the only person I talk to every single day.  Lately when she asks "How are you today?" I say...I'm not sure.  I can't explain it, there is this inner peace and knowing that life will be OK no matter what happens---that's my faith, which is strong and determined.  Than there is this part of me that doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning and is so sad and broken it's debilitating.  Than there is the part of me that feels so grateful for all the blessings that I have in my life that she wants to bounce around like Tigger.  Sybil much?  It's been like that for nearly 6 weeks and I'm over it!  I'm ready to just feel good again all the time.  And I'm going to make sure it happens.


I woke up this morning with the phrase "it comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" in my head.  It gave me hope.  Hope that March will be the breath of fresh air that I've been waiting for this year thus far.  I realized, once again, that I'm still learning lessons.  I still have work to do on myself.  I still have to find the path from who I am to who I want to be.  The balance between loving the people in my life and wanting the best for them and supporting them and yet still being true to who I am and what I need.  Hardest thing ever for me.  But the lessons will keep coming until I figure it out.  The tests will keep popping up until I'm steadfast and true in who I am.  As I type this I am feeling hopeful and optimistic about the Spring.  New beginnings and fresh starts and everything blooming again.  After all, it's just a day in the life.....

Friday, February 24, 2017

And when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on,then remembering will have to do

A mere 24 months ago today my mother took her last breath on this earth.  It feels like decades.  I don't want to be that person who focuses on one day every year and mourns.  I have many days throughout the year that hit me about my mom.  My parent's anniversary just passed a few days ago.  Valentines day was the last day I saw her alive.  So basically February plain sucks in my world for now.  There are good points (there always are whether you see them or not is up to you) to this horrific month.  My kids and I talk about my mom a lot this month.  Last night we had a family dinner (which isn't as common as it used to be) and we all shared stories about her.  We cried.  My daughter is really struggling right now.  She was with me at the end taking care of her.  She walked her back and forth to the bathroom, brought her water and ice, cleaned up her spills from her unsteady hands, helped with her oxygen tank and sat with her at what would have been her last chemo treatment.  A lot for an 11 year old to deal with, especially because at the tender age of 5 she did it with her brother. It's coming out now in bits and pieces how hard it was for her.  My creme filling son has other things he deals with.  She's the only person who truly knew what he went through during cancer.  They had a few heart to hearts while she was sick and he misses her for so many other things too.  My oldest son shared memories of when he was little and would rise with the roosters and my mom would be in the bathroom doing her make up (she never slept I swear) and he'd sit and chat with her for an hour or so before everyone woke up.  We each have our own moments that stand out.  For me the memories come in bits and pieces.  A certain look.  Her laugh.  Her chastising me for speaking the truth (although she LOVED it!) with a "Tina bellina!" she'd say as she laughed because she knew what I said was truth.  I've become OBSESSED with the Wahlberg family because their mom, Alma, reminds me SO much of my mom.  The way she laughs, her reactions to things, her funny comments.  It's like having my mom here whenever I watch her on TV.

I was angry at her when she died.  I had a lot of pent up emotions and hurts that I never let out.  I didn't mourn for probably the first year.  I think I've written about that.  I've let go of all of that and just remembered the good things.  The other night while I watched "This is Us" it was all too much for me.  Seeing Randall's father in bed, riddled with cancer and the oxygen tube on his nose I lost my shit.  Well....I waited until my Lulu went to bed and THEN I lost my shit.  I looked over at her during that part and she had tears streaming down her face.  We exchanged a glance and I said "too familiar, huh Lu?"  she nodded.  After she went to sleep I sobbed like a child and my creme filling son just held me tight and let me.  I would like to be brave and strong and not let my kids see me like that, but it's impossible.  They know me too well.  We are too close, I can't get away with it. I knew my mom that way.  As an adult.  I could take one look at her and KNOW if something set her off or what she was thinking.  After I caught my breath I was determined not to let myself get immersed in the sadness.  My mom would not want that. My favorite conversations where when I'd make her laugh until she couldn't breathe and she would howl and say her stomach hurt.  There was no better sound to me than that laugh and knowing I was the reason she was laughing.

My mom was a very complex yet simple woman...I know contradictory.  The person she showed to the world was always happy go lucky and sweet and kind.  I was fortunate to see the real her.  She was all of those things, of course, but I was one of the very few people she let see the other side.  The side that struggled and feared and got angry and sad.  My mom had a tough life.  Her mom died (in front of her) when she was 10 leaving her to be shuffled between her siblings until my Aunt got back from the army and she had a permanent place with her.  Back in her day there were no therapists or sympathetic ears it was suck it up and deal with it.  It made her strong, even though she thought she was weak. She never blamed her past for her future.  I'm determined to be like that and to raise my kids that way. No excuses, just do the best you can with what you have.

My daughter is home from school today, my creme filling son is off of work.  We'll spend the day together which will make it easier for them.  Last year I went to the lake alone and desperately tried to feel what I'm feeling today.  It all comes in time I suppose. Last year I was chasing her.  Trying to find a certain feeling, trying to let the emotions out, trying to feel the "right ones". Today I have peace.  I feel her with me and she's telling me it's going to all be okay. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.


My funny valentine...you make me smile with my heart

I've mentioned before I'm not a huge fan of Valentines day.  Two years ago it became my least favorite holiday for new reasons.  Today marks the last day I saw my mom alive.  I am close to tears today and I refuse to give in to it.  But honestly I think I've become more synical to it all for other reasons as well.  I'm going to put a BIG disclaimer right here and say I'M NOT JUDGING ANYONE!  I'm simply stating my opinion.  Which if you're smart won't mean a rats ass to you ;)   it's just how I view things at this moment in time.  And believe me even 3-6 months ago I didn't view things this way so what the hell do I know.  But here's my take on this commercial holiday.

EVERY DAY SHOULD FEEL LIKE VALENTINES DAY if you're with the right person.  Ok not EVERY day we all have shitty periods in our relationships, even the right ones, but MOST of the time!  Why do we need a money making holiday to get the flower, card and candy companies rich?  Why do we need an EXCUSE to tell the world that we love our person?  Does it make your relationship better because your significant other wrote a sweet testament of love on your face book wall?  Or on theirs?  Why does it matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship if you both know it's great?  I find it shallow.  There I said it.  Sigh.  There was a point in time that I would have killed to have someone do that for me.  But now?  I prefer my relationship to be between us.  We know.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, does it?  My love is a very private man.  He is supportive of the fact that I'm a tell all kind of person, but I'm sure he's not overjoyed at the fact :)..  However, I've realized that he is SO right and I need to put a lid on it.  (I'm not going to lie, I've never admitted another person is right as much as I admit he is....he's lucky I love him cause it's kinda annoying hee hee).  Maybe it's my age, maybe as I get older I see things....no....no that's not it because I see people much older than me still needing the approval of others, whether they realize it or not.

I could easily shout out to the world today that I'm sad because it's the last day I saw my mom alive and that I spent Valentines day for nearly 30 years being disappointed or I could say that I'm so in love right now that every day feels like Valentines day and because of that I think it's stupid?  Does it matter?  No.  Because no one else's perception or opinion of my life is real.  Think of it that way.  YOU know what your life is made of.  Why does it matter to you what anyone else's perception is?  Remember the girl who got flowers at work all the time?  Did you ever wonder WHY he didn't just bring them to her at home?  Yea....because they wanted EVERYONE to see what a great relationship they had.  Sorry I know I sound like a bitch, but think about it?  Wouldn't those flowers have been enjoyed more at home?  I'm not saying these gestures aren't sweet or nice or genuine.  I'm just saying that perhaps the intention behind them wasn't necessarily pure.

But tomorrow I could feel differently....it's just a day in the life.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony......

Today I spent nearly 4 hours reading cards and giving spiritual guidance to virtual strangers, yet I felt like I was with family.  An odd family we would be, a 16 year old aspiring Soccer player, the owner of the shop who speaks broken English at best and the mechanic, a gentle giant who reminded me of John Coffey from the Green Mile, and me.  We laughed, we (well they) cried and it was just an incredible experience that left me knowing (as if I didn't know already) that there are no such things as chance meetings.

At the beginning of the week I needed to find someone to replace my son's headlight. My son is determined to learn how to fix things and as a single mom I'm not going to lie it breaks my heart a bit that he has no male presence in his life to teach him. We attempted to do it ourselves but it just wasn't possible to maneuver without me having a heart attack thinking we were going to make it worse.  I wrote previously about how I went into the shop and struck up a conversation/friendship with the owner.  Well two days later my son was having issues with his car running rough and I called the mobile mechanic to come and look at it.  He took one look and gave us an estimate and told us he needed the car for a whole day so we'd have to make an appointment and bring it to his shop.  I took that knowledge and called my new friend for another estimate.  She asked me to bring the car in because she wanted the mechanic to look at it so she could try to save me some money in case we didn't need a full tune up.  I reluctantly rearranged my day and took his car there after I dropped him at work.  She was so excited to see me.  She told me on the phone she wanted me to bring my cards and she couldn't wait to see me because her whole life changed after meeting me.  I couldn't help but laugh because I didn't do anything and I certainly haven't been Suzy Sunshine this past week, but I'd take the morale boost.

I walked into the shop and she hugged me so tightly.  I sat down and there were other customers there so we didn't get started right away.  We talked for a while then finally the mechanic came in and asked me to come outside.  He explained what needed to be done to the car (same as the mobile guy) and he quoted me a price far less than Mobile man.  I was so excited I told him I'd bake him cookies if he could get the car done on Monday.  He quickly replied "Peanut butter" with a chuckle.  I said you got it!  It was so friendly and I felt safe which is something I don't usually feel especially with mechanics.  (My AZ mechanic aside).

We went back inside and I started doing a reading for my new friend.  She called the young apprentice in to translate.  She was teary eyed with some of the messages I gave her and then she asked if I had any information for the young man.  I read for him and he started to cry.  He was totally moved and understood exactly what I was talking about.  The Angels never ever fail.  With that the mechanic came in and my new friend explained quickly that we weren't doing anything witchcraft like it was all light and love.  He quickly sat down to get his messages.  I think he almost fell off his chair when I asked him if he had issues with his knees.  I'm not going to lie I never get tired of seeing people's reactions when I do a reading.  It's SO rewarding to see people have that understanding come over their faces.  He got a bit teary eyed too with his messages and they both realized that they were meant to be working together and they were each an answer to the others prayers!  It turns out she just hired him this week AFTER I was in the shop.  She told me that I changed the whole energy in the shop, I made it "clean" and joyful.  She motioned like a tornado and said that's what I did to the energy.  I was so moved. After I left the other day she turned to the angels and asked them to bring her the right man for the job.  Two days later he called her.  I should never be surprised at these occurrences but I'm not going to lie it still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart beat a bit faster.

I also realized that a good mechanic will come in handy for other business ventures that I hope are coming to Florida.  And they have a huge parking lot that I discussed possibly using for the same venture as well as potential investors she might know. This meeting was definitely divinely orchestrated and it definitely lifted my spirits this week.  They were even kind enough to give me a ride home and I couldn't help but feel blessed.  On so many levels.  It reminded me that I needed to return to my angel readings and that God always gives you opportunities to make a difference in people's lives and for them to make a difference in yours, but you have to be open to it.  I was drawn to that specific shop and that was no accident.  

So pay attention to the divinely orchestrated occurrences around you....because as you know miracles can happen in any day in the life!

Friday, February 10, 2017

Time to learn a lesson Like Pavlov's dog If same-ing isn't working Why don't you different instead, instead, instead

I've been given signs this week about lessons I still need to learn.  I really really stupidly thought I was done with these lessons.  I've done more self work in the past 10 years than most of Hollywood has done on their physical appearance.  However, when we stop growing we die right?  But it seems my lessons keep repeating because I guess I think I've got it down, but not completely.

We have lived in this house now for 6 months.  My oldest dog continues to go to the left of the sliding door to go out.  That's where the door opened in Arizona.  Here it opens on the right. No matter how many times she goes to the door she continues to do it.  It made me think of the saying "Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."  I realized with a jolt that that was EXACTLY what I was doing!

I stopped meditating when life got good.  Mistake number 1.  Don't stop doing the things that got you where you wanted to be.  Meditation is vital to my well being I've learned.  It gets me out of my busy little head and into my heart and closer to God.  Lesson learned....again.  While I was searching for the right guided meditation the other day I came across an Abraham Hicks video with the title "When you're stuck in the asking you can't receive the manifestation".  Duh.  I know this!  Every time my life spins out of control I realize that I get manic and think it's always going to be like this. I try to find solutions, I go over the situation again and again....I get stuck in the problem....which brings more of the problem. I think I have to fix it I have to blah blah blah.  No.  Silly child.  Your job is to accept it and have faith that better days are coming.  I can't TELL you how many times this has happened to me. I learned the lesson 2 years ago but apparently I had to learn it again.  I have released it all and left it to God to sort it out.  I know what I want, the outcome that I desire.  However, sometimes it's not what's meant for you and fighting it, I have learned the hard way, is futile.  I asked God yet again, nearly 2 years after the first time I did it to show me His will.  Show me what is meant for me. Thy will not mine be done.  Last time I did that my life turned around in a magical way.  Things came to me that I never would have dreamt of, better than if I had planned it myself.  But I had to TRULY be open to an outcome different than that which I so desperately wanted.  And it turned out to be the absolutely most perfect time in my life.  Because I trusted.  And I'm going to trust again.  When you've done all that you can do, then it's time to let God (or the Universe if that's what you're comfortable with) do the rest.  What's meant for you can never be taken from you.

I'm usually a very positive person.  I can always see the bright side to any situation. If you've read my book you know that even my 10 year old having cancer didn't change that.  There were many blessings in even the darkest moments.  My problems stem from when I believe in my whole heart and soul that something is destined to happen and it doesn't. Well, at least it doesn't in my time frame or in the way I thought it would.  My problems come from me thinking things are about me when they aren't.  Not every thing is about me or my feelings...shocking I know.  Another lesson I've painfully learned many damn times.  But apparently I needed a refresher course.  Just because I would never react to something the way someone else does doesn't make their way of reacting wrong or bad.  Shocker.  I wonder if I will ever completely learn this particular lesson or if I'll keep getting it beat over my head.  I am usually really good at putting myself in someone else's shoes but sometimes I just can't understand why people do the things they do.  I'm sure people look at me the same way.

My kids and I are very similar.  We think the way we do things is normal, obviously, or we wouldn't do it.  We think everyone does things this way.  But they don't.  Here's an example.  When we go to bed we all go to each other and say goodnight.  Love you.  Give a hug most times.  We come in the house we say hello to each other.  How was your day?  Share pleasantries.  We leave to go to the store or the gym or work, we say good bye, love you, have a good day etc.  My son's girlfriend mentioned to him once that it was strange that we do this.  She likes it, don't get me wrong, but she says she's never seen anyone do this.  Huh?  Hmmm.  Flashback to when I was married and my ex would walk in the door from work.  We all stopped whatever we were doing and greeted him.  My friends all thought I was crazy.  They'd be like does he expect that?  Ummm no.  In fact I think he'd have preferred if we didn't do it looking back.  It was just what I was raised with and I thought it was normal.  Looking back I always was saddened by the fact that he didn't seem to care that we did this.  I should have read the definition of insanity and I could have saved us all a lot of grief.

My point in all of this is that change is necessary.  You have to grow in order to thrive or maybe it's thrive in order to grow.  "Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."  So true.  I love the analogy that in order for a seed to grow it needs to be covered in dirt and kept in the dark.  So is the seasons of our lives.  The beauty is what you do with those dark times....do you curse the darkness or find your own light?

After all....it's just a day in the life xo

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

What the world needs now is love.....

January was quite possibly the worst I can ever remember.  February isn't looking much better.  I live in a beautiful climate so I can't blame it on winter blues.  It's something in my soul that aches and my brain is allowing itself to set up camp there as well.  I want to jump out of my skin and run away but to where?  No matter where I go, there I am you know?  I need to take a look in the mirror again and realize what I want to see looking back at me.  Ok, done.  I like her.  I really like her.  But honestly?  I think she's too much for most people to handle.  She is kind and loving and funny and real.  She gives far more than she takes and I think most people have a hard time with the depth of what she gives.  Maybe this is why people come and go out of my life so frequently.  Maybe this is why I don't have people who can deal with me on a daily basis.  Except my kids, they can't get enough of me (poor things). So I spend a lot of time alone.  I normally don't mind that, but lately I need more.  So, I once again began my quest for my purpose in life.


Last week my cream filling son and I left the gym and went to the grocery store.  I was wearing a BEAT CANCER shirt.  The woman bagging the groceries asked if I knew anyone who had cancer.  I pointed over my shoulder and said "Yes.  Him".  She gasped and my son chuckled.  I said my mom did too.  She began to tell us about her mom who was battling cancer.  She was in NY and we are in Florida.  She stepped away with us and let it all out. We found ourselves sharing things to help this woman deal with this horrific time in her life.  My son explained a lot about what a chemo patient goes through (have I mentioned he is truly my hero and I am so incredibly blessed to call him my son?) and what helped him and what made things worse.  I shared my experience more with my mom because she could relate to that.  She hugged me so tightly when we left and thanked us both over and over again.  We wished her luck and we were on our way.

I had to take my son's car to be fixed the other day.  I called a few places and longed (for one of the first times) to be back in Arizona where my mechanic and I are facebook friends and I trusted him to make time for me whenever I needed it and to be honest and fair.  So I turned to Google and the first place I called the woman had such a thick accent and said she'd call me back.  I almost didn't go because I thought if she can't understand me how is this gonna work?  I'm so glad I went.  I walked into the office and she treated me like we were old friends.  She took one look at me and said "Your eyes!  Ay dios mio your eyes!"  I was like, huh?  My eyes, I know, didn't have their usual sparkle, I was feeling sad and flat and defeated.  But she saw the light.  She said I had a bright soul.  I asked her if she had psychic abilities she said no.  We talked for over an hour about angels and spirit guides and God and how He shows things and people don't listen.  Turns out she is very much psychic she just didn't know it.  We exchanged numbers and she asked me to do a reading for her.  We hugged like old friends.  These are the people who get me.  I thanked God for the meeting and decided I knew what came next.

February marks the anniversary of my mom's death.  It's been two years since she passed.  It feels like 12.  I realized what my next step needed to be.  I needed to finally put my energy into something that couldn't ignore me or dismiss me and something that needed someone like me.  I signed up to volunteer to help families with children with life threatening illnesses.  To be there for them, shop for them, help with chores.  All the things I know I'm good at and I haven't been able to find the right outlet for.  I signed my daughter up too.  I want her to have tools to focus her energy in the right places and not end up like me figuring it out at 52 years old.  Loneliness is a terrible thing.  Especially when you're surrounded by people who love you.  But unless you have someone who really truly understands what you're going through you feel alone.  Hopefully I can be that to some of these families.  And in doing that maybe I can save myself as well.

After all....it's just a day in the life.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

All By Myself.

I can't believe we are halfway through the 1st month of the new year.  Time is flying by and I want it to slow down a bit.  I have been on such a high for so long now that I guess the lows hit harder when they come.  I'm feeling so conflicted lately I don't know how to put it into words.  My soul knows that everything is fine, but my earthly person is having a hard time accepting it.  I've gotten out of my practice of meditating and praying and writing.  I still practice gratitude every day in every thing and I guess that's what keeps me grounded to a degree.  I've finally stopped feeling unworthy of the amazing things that have happened in my life.  That's a huge leap for someone like me.  My children are so good to me, so giving and unselfish and understanding of this journey I'm on.  I give thanks for that every day, and I finally accept that they aren't like most children.  And I don't have to make excuses to make anyone else feel better, I just thank God for the gift of being their mom.

I think I expect too much from people. When I love someone I give everything I have to them.  I stop whatever I'm doing if someone needs me.  I put my own life on the back burner to help someone else. I'm not tooting my own horn, it is just a fact.  Nobody does that for me.  It leaves me feeling sad and I used to feel unimportant.  I don't anymore.  I realize it has less to do with my importance and more to do with everyone else's view of importance.  I place my sole priority on the people I choose to have in my life, everything else is secondary, most people don't think that way.  They think they do, but when push comes to shove they don't.  Their jobs, cleaning their homes, getting their to do list done, it all comes first.  I'm not criticizing anyone's choices I'm just trying to come to terms with my own.  I wish I could change my thoughts and my actions, it would cause me so much less pain in my life.  But I can't change who I am.  I have done so much self work over the last nearly 9 years I don't think I can change anything else.

I went up North over the holidays.  I realized, once again, that I don't belong there anymore.  I also realized that as much as everyone criticizes my choice to live in Arizona that it was living in Arizona that allowed me to become....me!  Had I not moved I would never have been able to change the way I have.  For that I will forever be grateful for that move and my time there.  This path of self discovery is a lonely one.  It takes you and twists and molds you into a completely different person and in order to do that you need to leave behind a great deal of the life you knew before.  The people you were so close to -you can't relate to anymore.  In fact, being in their company can be almost painful to your soul.  If you're lucky and they are meant to stay in your life they change along with you and eventually your relationship resumes.  If not, you are reduced to facebook likes and possible messages here and there or they leave your life completely.

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday.  She told me (which I know) that my entire being is shown in my eyes.  She said people are drawn to me because I give so much with those looks.  I don't see it.  Well, that's not true.  I can feel the love coming from them when I look at certain people because I know the love from my heart is like burning to come out.  I also know that when I'm angry or sad it shows in my eyes.  But in my interactions with everyone else?  Hmmmm.  I'll take her word for it.  It just makes me feel like maybe I love too much?  Maybe when I decide to have someone in my life I just give it all up and I'm an open book and an open door.  I wish so desperately that I wasn't like that.  That I was like everyone else and kept people at arms length to protect myself.  I've tried, but my heart won't let me.  When I love....it's all of me!  The good the bad and the ugly. And I guess, I expect the same from others and that is where I go wrong.  I have to find a way to not expect anything from anyone. I'm a very emotional person and the bubbly me that people love is also the over thinking, emotional, sensitive me that people don't like so much.  I wish I could turn that part off, but I can't.  It's like a bundle from the cable company.  If you get rid of that the other part goes away too.  For the longest time I was shut off.  I felt nothing, no love, no joy, no fear, no hope....nothing.  I was blank.  That came from being hurt one too many times and it became self preservation.  I don't ever want to go back to that.  It's no way to live.  But if I could just turn down the brightness on my heart and spirit just a tad so that I don't feel as deeply that would be great.  What scares me is that I feel the bricks I put up around myself building again and that wall was a bitch to knock down, I don't want to deal with that again.

So....what do I do?  I have isolated myself a great deal from the world at large and it helps a lot.  I suppose that's why there are so many quotes out there about removing toxic situations from your life and being comfortable alone.  I'm feeling that tug to remove all social media from my life.  I've deleted it all from my phone already and that alone gave me some peace.  Wearing my heart on my sleeve is something I've always struggled with and maybe it's time to put a jacket on and toughen it up a bit.  But at the end of the day I'll persevere....after all it's just a day in the life <3