Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do

 

My daughter does not get sick often...in fact the last time she was sick was 2019!  But, when she gets sick, she gets siiiiiccckkkk. She came home from work so sick on Saturday.  So Saturday night I ran to Walgreens and stocked up on medicine and OJ and Gatorade---most of which I knew she wouldn't even use, but hey, you never know.  As I was driving home, I was struck with such nostalgia.  When my kids were little and would get sick, I realized their dad and I would not only be stressed about them being sick, but the extra expense that comes along with it was added stress.  I thought about how life is so different now, how I go through the store and pick up whatever is needed and I don't even look at the prices.  There is such a freedom in that that I never imagined having.  I realized I missed things and thank heavens for door dash and Walmart delivery because I was not running out again.   But on the way home my mind went to who takes care of me when I am sick.  Thankfully that is rare.  I remember being sick in 2021 for 4 days and that was not common.  When I was married before kids if I got sick my ex-husband was sicker (I actually laughed out loud when I typed that - so typical) so I thought back to my childhood.  I remember my dad being the one to take care of me, which was so bizarre.  He used to make me tea with lemon and honey and I would pour it down the sink and tell him I drank it.  Rocket scientist I was, I didn't wipe the sink down so he knew I was full of it.  I remember once my mom forced me to eat Alphabet soup and I told her it was making me sick...she didn't listen and well, we were spelling things as I threw up the entire bowl.  I remember her holding back my hair (probably feeling awful for making me eat it - creamed spinach 2.0) and I was so annoyed I didn't want to be touched.

I never forced my kids to eat or drink anything they didn't want when they were sick (or ever really).  I remember going for the chocolate Entenmann's and my mom saying THAT's what you're going to eat?  Yup...soothes my soul and always settled my stomach.  Anyway, I digress.  I was really confused as to why it was my dad I remember taking care of me when I was sick, so I asked my sister what she remembered.  She also remembered my dad touching her forehead for a fever in the middle of the night.  She remembered the tea with honey and lemon, and she said my mom making poached eggs on toast (ummm, no I never had that, probably after the Alphabet soup fiasco) My sister realized she never thought about this stuff.  I am weird, I know.  I am very interested in why I do the things I do and what wounds are triggered by what.  I came to the conclusion that my mother had a routine and us being sick was a huge monkey wrench in that routine.  Plus, she was probably very afraid of getting sick herself.  I always found it miraculous that I didn't get whatever my kids had when they were little.  I snuggled them, kissed them, was thrown up on, coughed on - I was kinda indestructible, I guess.  Because I could not afford to get sick!  Which brings me to this morning...I was freezing during the night.  I didn't have chills and it IS winter in SD so yea, I needed more blankets.  But then....my eyes opened and bam.  I felt the feeling.  You know.... that flulike head and your eyes hurt, and my body was not my friend.  I was like ummm no....that is not happening I have to make Chili for 80 people tonight and I have to work and I have absolutely no time to be sick.  Tylenol - check.  Advil - check.  Set alarms to remind myself to give Lu her meds and for me to take mine.  Took the most DISGUSTING cough medicine known to man and poof.  In the kitchen, making chili and feeling normal.  I am so very grateful!  This afternoon my little Lulu even came out of her room!  She's still pretty sick but definitely better.  She's a very good patient which makes it so easy.

I guess the whole point of this was how 1 trip to the drugstore could take me

down this wild nostalgic road this weekend and got me realizing that maybe I got my nurturing side from my dad after all.  I just always assumed it was my mom.  I also realize that most parents or people feel like in order to be well you have to do things that are yucky - maybe because that's what they were always taught.  Not me.  If you're already feeling sick, why not just eat or drink what makes you feel happy.  Kinda like life - why do things you hate just because someone says you have to or it's good for you?  Life is too short to be anything but happy and to do anything but what makes your heart smile surrounded by people who lift you up.  And do your very best to realize...it's never just a day in the life.

Just hold on loosely, but don't let go!

 Happy 2025!  So far?  So good!  Now I say that as if it's all been sunshine and rainbows.  I ended 2024 in a magnificent place, with this hope in my heart and joy in my soul.  It was a really nice change of pace from the last (dare I say) almost decade?  I am trying to keep that momentum going during this beginning of the next decade and I am doing a pretty good job.  Does this mean that things are smooth sailing over here in the Midwest?  Umm no!  I am human, after all, and I have a pretty big birthday looming around the corner which I must admit is attempting to affect me the way my 20th and 30th did - not well bitch.  My 40th and 50th were not terrible.  I don't usually allow the number to affect me, but this one?  It is not my friend.  I feel certain age-related things creeping in - and between me and you?  I am not allowing it.  Nope.  I refuse to feel my age ever.  I type this I can't deny there are tears welling up in my eyes.  How did I get here?  I still feel like that 20-year-old girl adjusting to my parents moving away and having to attempt to be a grown up.  What happened to the last 40 years?  So much and yet not enough.  How do I get myself out of this funk and these thoughts that are threatening to consume me?  I will tell you how, by remembering this little tidbit - Life can change in an INSTANT - good or bad - so it's best not to get too far ahead of yourself or look back too far.  

When life seems stagnant or like your dreams are not going to come true, I urge you to think of a time when you got a call or a text or a meeting that changed everything very unexpectedly.  Life can change in an instant.  As I am typing this so many of those moments are racing through my mind.  Feeling sad or alone and you get a life changing phone call or text or email from someone you were not expecting.  Life will never be the same.  Having a good day and then an argument starts, and everything crumbles, and you feel like the rug is pulled out from under you.  Life will never be the same.   A random meeting with someone new that changes everything.  Life will never be the same.  Some of those moments are burned on your brain and you remember every detail - you can even put yourself right back in that moment.  Some you can barely remember but you know it changed life as you knew it.  I think a lot of us focus on the bad change moments - those I can usually remember very vividly - a summer night in 1998 coming home to find out my husband was not who I hoped he was. Walking down the maternity hall and seeing your newborn in the nursery and being woken up an hour later with frantic doctors asking you to sign release forms for a spinal tap.  Leaving the hospital without your newborn 4 days later (yes, my middle son kept me on my toes!) A Wednesday before Thanksgiving in 1999 when my middle son nearly choked at the mall after I was told my $20 bill (given to me by a cub scout mom) was counterfeit and my husband came home and told me he lost his job- two weeks later I had a horrific car accident with my middle son in the car and my car was totaled. Another summer day in 2004 when I had just had surgery, and I found out my husband lost his job. Yet another summer day in 2009 when I found out my middle son had cancer at the age of 10.  Christmas Eve 2013 when my oldest decided to tell me what a horrible mother I was and disrupted the entire home and it turned out to be the last Christmas I would spend with my mother - this is depressing I think I will stop that train.  

There are a few life changing moments that were wonderful that I do remember just as vividly. The birth of each of my children.  Driving across the country and seeing the "purple mountains majesty" while entering New Mexico. Walking into your first brand new home that was more than you could ever dream of.  An email out of the blue from someone you thought was left in your past. A phone call/text/facetime announcing engagements and pregnancies. A random message that starts a relationship that changes your life. A first kiss that made the rest of the world fall away and shook the earth. A conversation while taking my son to college at a restaurant that led to him realizing he was ready to propose to his girlfriend. Picking my daughter up to find out she made Varsity cheer in her freshman year - these are but a few.  During most of these moments I had no idea what would come next, just how quickly life can change.

So, when I am in a not-so-great place I remind myself just how quickly life can change and we don't have to know how or when, we just have to trust that what is meant to be will always find a way.  And if something doesn't happen, then perhaps it wasn't meant to be and something even better than you can imagine is around the corner.  Be kind to yourself - forgive yourself for things you wish you had done differently.  I also want you to remember that miracles happen each and every day, and yours can be next!  And on those not so magical days remember - it's just a day in the life!

Look at the stars....how they all shine for you

Today.....today was one of those perfect days. I will try my very hardest to remember this feeling and this day when things get hard (which of course they will - this is life after all) 2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, since in the last decade I have gotten divorced, moved 4 times, lost both of my parents, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But 2022 ---- it was (I believe) the ending of a time of torment and it had to get it's last licks in. And if today is any indication of what is to come -- it was all worth it. Every single moment. I am blessed. I know this. My family is protected. I know this. But that does not mean that bad things do not happen. But I don't want to focus on 2022 - I want to focus on today. I started my morning with a phone call from my oldest son in California before I had my coffee. Normally, he texts me that early with our good morning gratitudes. It is something we have started recently. But a phone call that early would have sent me into a panic in the past (especially because we spoke last night) But it doesn't anymore. He's doing well - so well that I do not believe I have ever seen this version of my son as an adult. He had good news for me - that's why he called. So we started chatting and wow - it went deep. He gave me a gift that he didn't even know I needed. He thanks me all the time for things I've done, things I am still doing, I do not need thanks. I tell him, all I need is for him to live his best life. THAT is the greatest gift to me. He understands me very well. All three of my children do, honestly. Because I have always been honest and open about my life and my feelings with them. But he relates a lot to who I was as a child and things I have shared about that period in my life. He is also the one who saw the toxicity of my marriage more than the other two. He understands now things I did to protect them. I guess what he gave me yesterday was validation. Something he has never given me before. I hung up the phone feeling like I could conquer the world. Feeling like if this was my last day on earth I would be able to die happy. The joy in my heart was overflowing that my baby boy (who is a man) is in such a great space and our relationship is where it is. It did not end there ----- my creme filling son and I had a catch up call this week. The time difference and our work schedules do not allow that as often as we would like. It was just so great. We text nearly every day, but those phone calls are needed. So we were texting today and it was great. My daughter in law also thanked me for raising him - that was a bonus too. Then out of the blue tonight he sent me a song and said "make sure you're not in public" - again, he knows me well. I sobbed my eyes out - I am crying now as I type this. It was very similar to what my oldest said to me earlier. I cannot explain the feeling --- I grew up in a very male dominant household, my father and brother did not show their emotions (the soft ones) and I thought men did not have emotions. I thought men were made of stone. I believe that is why I chose my ex husband. He showed emotions. He cried. He described loving me in words that curled my toes. But, as soon as we got engaged that went away. So----I assumed that that is how it worked. Now he was just like all the other men in my life. I thought this was normal! I was determined to let my sons show emotions and not be ridiculed for them. I succeeded. Then they became men. And I see they don't show them to the outside world (which is fine! That is saved for the ones that love you!) but I know what goes on inside. And it has given me a whole new insight into the male species. I wish I had known all of this when I was a young girl. It would have helped me understand that women aren’t the only ones with feelings. Raising these boys changed my life in ways they will never know. These men that I raised....they have given me a run for my money. From childhood and their constant fighting to their teen years which made me long for the days when all I had to do was deal with their fighting to their 20s which have had more ups and downs then the tower of terror in Disneyworld. But today----today I got to see a glimpse of what it was all for. These men....are incredible. They love me just as much as they did when they were little. They will always need me, in a very different way, but need me nonetheless. All of those prayers, and sleepless nights and days when I did SO many things that I really did not want to do and the days I felt like a failure (a lot of those)----it was all worth it. Every minute of it. Today (and I know this will not be permanent unlike the old me who thought once things were good they stayed that way) today is that day when all is right with the world. And I feel HAPPY and JOYFUL and dare I say bliss. Today was SO much more than a day in the life.....