Look how much time it took to get right here, but God's timing is perfect

 
Today is the end of an era.  My baby got her driver's license. Now I need to buy a new car because this one is hers and it has been hers since 2021, she just couldn't drive it alone. Some might say well she's 21 what took so long.  And to those I say - zip it skippy!  You have no idea!  So I will tell you.  I will remind you that God's timing is perfect and everything happens exactly when it's meant to and not a moment sooner.  So here we go.

Anyone who has driven in that state of Florida can attest that they are the worst drivers around.  The I4 is the most dangerous highway in the country.  And they let kids get their licenses at 16 years old.  Um, no.  Not in my world.  My sons were both licensed in Arizona where I believe it was 16 also.  They did not get their licenses until I felt they were ready.  My daughter was no different.  My oldest and youngest were both very nervous behind the wheel.  My middle son was born to drive, there was no hesitation at all.  I never wanted to teach my children how to drive.  I am not a very good teacher of things I have been doing practically my whole life.  But there was no one else so I had to.  But my daughter - well I tried to get my son and daughter in law to teach her, but she was really so anxious and it didn't work.  So, I offered to get her driving lessons - nope - she was having none of that.  So....we waited.  I was praying for someone to come along and take this task off my hands, but no one was coming to rescue me.  Luckily, she was in no hurry to get her license so it never was a big issues.  When we moved from Florida to South Dakota something just clicked.  She got behind the wheel the first time here and it was like she had been driving her whole life.  There was no anxiety, there was no hesitation, she just did it.  Which leads me to the point of this blog....when it's time (God's time) nothing will stand in the way.  If you try to force things that are not in God's timing you will be met with obstacles and challenges and you will still get there if you're meant to - however it will be a tedious journey.

Surrendering everything to God's timing is second nature for me.  But I had a conversation with my dearfriend the other day about trusting God to provide when you've spent most of your life being the person who provided for everyone else is not easy.  I get that.  For them the issue was financial - worrying about how to pay for things when there is just not enough money coming in.  I spent most of my marriage telling my ex that God will provide and he would be furious with me, called me Pollyanna, Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, several other not so nice things that I will not repeat.  It was then that I started to realize my faith wasn't something everyone had.  My daddy instilled so much faith in me and I didn't realize it then.  He was not big on the bible or religion and his lessons felt more like just life wisdom than instilling faith, but looking back I realize that my dad really was a man of God (how I miss that man every day!)  Side note, my daughter put on her ring with her Pop's dates on it alone today because she knew she needed just Pop to be with her while she drove the car he left her almost 4 years ago - he is the father every girl should have.    Back to God's timing.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were saying that when you pray for something and it takes a really long time for God to answer, or maybe God just answers with a no - that is protection.  Last week an amazing event unfolded so magically that I just couldn't help but be in AWE of how God took a cancelled appointment and made it into this magical event that put me where I needed to be at just the right time and an encounter with people that were definitely meant to be in my life and it was just such a God moment that I am not going to write about, at some point I will do a video about it - and it led to another meeting the next day that was completely unrelated but God meshed them together.  Mind-blowing.  If you look back at your life to certain times when you were told no by God or redirected and now it all makes sense, it should remind you that God's timing is perfect and you are not late or behind you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Unless of course you are stubborn and don't listen and keep procrastinating - then....well then....God will forcibly move you or make life SO uncomfortable until you wind up where you are meant to.  Trust - total reliance upon spiritual timing.  And these days?  They are not just a day in the life.

I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit...

 

How many times have I heard; you are SO strong.  You are SO brave.  Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.  I get it.  I am the epitome of Mary sunshine.  At least that's what is  shown to the world.  The handful of people that I reveal my true self to know differently.  I ugly cry.  I feel the agony of heartbreak.  Most people don't know that, my circle is extremely small.  Also, in all fairness I rarely stay in a place of despair for long.  It is just not who I am.  I can find the bright side and silver lining in pretty much any situation.  There are a few that I have trouble with.  And those are ones that I cannot change....because if I could, I most certainly would. That is why people say I am strong.  Because so help me God (and He does!) if I can change something I am unhappy with, damn straight I do!  Unfortunately, there are some things that are out of my control - those are the things that make me ugly cry.  That make me feel like I truly can't make it through another day with this pain and heartache -----yet somehow, I do.  What choice do I have?  If I could change it - I would.  But I can't - so I won't.   Make sense?  

Most people are too afraid to change things when they are unhappy with it.  Very sad to me.  Living in a place of unhappiness or negativity or despair or loneliness is such a waste to me.  Nothing is as scary as staying stuck in that place of misery.  I think most people are so accustomed to it that they think it's normal.  Well, it could be worse, right? Well, everyone is unhappy right?  Who is happy most of the time?  Ummmm I am!  And I can tell you why and how, but you don't want to know.  Right?  Because if you are in that place, you don't want to change it or you would have already.  It is not rocket science.  It just takes faith and hope - I think both are so easy to utilize...however I don't think it is for most people.  I am blessed I suppose. My faith in God and "meant to be" and His power over my life is my saving grace.  I suppose most people don't have that.  If they did, they certainly would not settle into the mundane existence they live in.

Change is inevitable, right?  If we don't grow, we die.  I think a lot of people are terrified of change. 

What if I screw it up?  I can't do that - how can I do that?  My question is - how can you not?  How can you live each day feeling anything less than happy?  My daughter said to me the other day - "it's so annoying (she was laughing) I cannot even get mad about stuff anymore because I know it is all working out the way it is supposed to". Thank God that side of me rubbed off on her and my creme filling son.  He was super unhappy last year in his career and business.  Did he wallow in it?  Nope.  He did what he needed to do to change that situation and although it took longer than he would have liked - he knew it would happen exactly when it was meant to.  It makes me feel like even with all the screw ups I made as a parent - this is something I am extremely proud to have passed on to them.  Is life simple or easy for them - hell no!  They have stuff that comes up just like everyone else.  But they choose to change the things they can and pray on whatever they cannot. 

And before you grumble to yourself that I don't understand your situation - maybe I don't.  However, I have been dealt a hell of a lot of shit in my life (abusive relationships, childhood cancer, bankruptcy twice, mental illness, death of both of my parents to cancer, divorce, getting back into the workplace after 18 years without a college degree, moving across the country and back, alienation from people I love - you get the drill) yet I wake up every day and I am grateful for the good in my life.  Wow just typing all that made me depressed I am not gonna lie.  Maybe I am delusional....maybe I just don't really think about all I have been dealt.  People will say that is why I can be happy.  Well, what other choice is there?  I could not change any of those things - (except the divorce, I chose that, and I did that to make life better for myself and ultimately my children) so am I supposed to just sit in that misery?  What a waste of life.  So why are you?  Can you change your circumstances?  Are you living in a place of resentment or obligation or a life full of shoulds?  There is where it needs to change!  If you are holding onto unforgiveness or any of the ugly emotions that cause unhappiness - who are you hurting?  Not the person you need to forgive - not the job/boss/fill in the blank that you are resenting.  You are hurting yourself!  You need to learn to accept the apology you never got - you need to stop letting people take advantage of your kindness if that is causing resentment - and your job?  Please.   If you left tomorrow they would replace you without a second thought - find another job!  Life is too short to live in discomfort.

Faith is your secret weapon.  If you believe that God is real, then you need to trust that whatever He is putting on your heart is for your best interest.  I have written numerous times about times that I knew He was moving me to do things.  I never question it; I just do it.  And I have never been sorry.  Is life always easy?  No.  Do I know that better days are coming?  Yes.  Does that mean life will never get hard again?  No.  Here's what I suggest you do.  Take 30 minutes today and think about the main reason for your unhappiness/discomfort/sadness/despair or any other emotion that isn't making your life happy.  What is causing it?  Can you change it?  Then make a plan to do that.  If you can't change it - give it up to God.  And listen.  Feel.  What is He putting on your heart?  Follow that.  Make today not just a day in the life....I promise you won't regret it!

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

That God blessed the Broken road....

Sometimes Faith is difficult.  Having faith requires knowing and believing everything is working out in your favor even though you can't see it.  I have unwavering faith.  Faith that everything will be fine.  However, fine is not always giving me what I want.  And I want things to be fine....but I want what I want and what I believe in my heart is best and what is going to be.  That's where the wobble comes in.  Faith requires us to know that no matter what is happening it is for our highest good and the highest good for everyone involved.  Fear, for me, comes when I have faith but I'm not sure that the good that's coming is going to get to me where I want it to, the way I want it to and in the time I want it to.  Sound familiar?  Here is how I get through that...

Having lunch with my son the other day and we were discussing pretty much everything and anything.  We got to the topic of not seeing how certain situations would change.  My son, in his infinite wisdom (he totally gets that from me 😉) tells me to look at the last 4 years alone.  Would we have ever seen us moving to Florida, him quitting baseball, moving to North Carolina, then back here to Florida etc?  No.  Never.  And today on my face book memories it was funny because in 2015 I was in Florida visiting my dad and saying I missed Arizona because of the humidity and rain here.  Then in 2016 I arrived in Florida to my new home, 2017 showed my kids and daughter in law in the pool and my heart was happy but missing my oldest who was estranged and living in New Jersey , 2018 showed me missing my middle son because he was in NC....and now?  We are all in the same place again with completely different lives then we ever pictured even a year ago.  Had I known in 2015 what the next four years would bring in order to get to now?  I would have been crawled up in a corner sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy.  It was a TOUGH road.  But this is where we need to be and all of that needed to take place to get here.  So, sometimes when God isn't showing you the answers to your prayers or a clear vision of what is to come it is to protect you, and to allow you to be open to the path leading to the destination you're wanting. Sometimes it is so that you don't resist what it's going to take to get you there.  Or that you don't sit back and just wait for the destination and miss the lessons along the way.

Basically, whenever I feel worried, or fearful that things aren't going as planned I look back and see the reasons why things happened as they did.  It's usually pretty crystal clear.  And that knowledge helps me have faith that right now is no different.  So the moral of the story is....have faith....and hope...and trust that the road ahead might not be smooth or paved with gold, but it will lead you to where you need to be. God Bless The long and winding road....

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo