The moment I wake up - before I put on my makeup - I say a little prayer for you

 It's just another day....no, no it's not.  Today is the day my mother left this earth 11 years ago to go to a much better place.  I am not one for anniversaries, remembering how many years since xyz happened.  It's not my thing.  Every day is a memory waiting to be made.  But this year I felt today coming.  The heaviness.  The tears.  The longing for just one more moment with her.  As soon as my eyes opened today, I remembered.  I replayed that morning.  The phone call from my brother that I knew was coming.  Debating whether or not to tell my kids or wait until after school (BIG mistake there-they found out from someone else who had no right to say anything).  During times like these we are often so busy planning the moving parts of arranging the things that need to happen after someone's death that we don't have time to actually grieve.  That comes later - and does it ever end?  I'll let you know but so far ummm no.  My daughter and I have an unspoken rule that we just don't mention it - we just know it's on our hearts.  My sister texted me first thing this morning - we are both feeling it extra hard this year for some reason.  My oldest son, similar to my daughter doesn't actually SAY it but he said "I hope you're doing okay today" which is way different than our normal daily check ins.  

I cried to my mom this morning and I asked her for some help (not something I do often - it's usually my dad I call on, because let's face it-he was a badass 😉).  I instantly heard - I'm on it!  I could see her so clearly-if I could only touch her maybe the ache in my heart would go away.  It's funny the older I get the more I realize how much I am like her.  I went to visit my daughter at work (as I often do) and she told me her friend said "Your mom is so cute with her pink lipstick"  I didn't even realize I had it on.  But this morning I was hit so hard when I realized my mother never went ANYWHERE without her lipstick on.  We used to tease her about it and now.....I am her.  I looked down at my hands in church the other day and I noticed the aging-the veins, the spots...and I saw her hands....and mine are soft just like hers were the day I said goodbye to her for the very last time.  I looked in the mirror today as I put on my makeup and I felt her watching me.  She used to love to sit and watch me put on my makeup and she always wanted to try whatever I was using - and wound up stealing it undoubtedly.  I wish I was wearing waterproof mascara because I had a meeting shortly after and I could not stop the tears.  Why did I not cherish those moments more when they were happening?  Why didn't I just stop what I was rushing to do to just sit with her?  I have so many questions I would have asked her.  I was always more comfortable asking my dad questions because he loved to share his wisdom and his lessons.  My mom was definitely not as comfortable with that, so I didn't ask- how I wish I had.

I recently spent a week with my cousins on my mom's side of the family.  My

daughter was chastising me for something I did during the escape room and my cousin said, " I do the same thing!"  and we gave an in-your-face kind of look, and he said it's in our blood, you know we have the same blood, right?  And even though my daughter DID know that she got a strange look on her face and I was a bit taken aback too because there were so many things that I realized that week that I hadn't before.  I guess I always thought the Italian part of me was dominant, but I am realizing that German is pretty strong after all.  

So, I guess like mother like daughter does ring true for me and my mom (I know it does for my daughter and me) and it makes me happy and I hope she is still proud of me, and I know she is watching over my daughter I know she is ridiculously proud of her!  

I miss you mommy....and today will never be just a day in the life.

It's your birthday now, but you are not here with me

 

Today would have been my mom's 91st birthday.  Last week I thought of something I could do to celebrate her today and I had it all planned out.  Her favorite restaurant, the butterfly garden - I was all set.  But as the day drew closer I just wasn't feeling it.  In fact today I didn't feel like really doing much of anything but I forced myself to go out and enjoy the morning.  I was not sad, surprisingly, I just felt what I normally feel.  I think about my mother every single day and today was no different.  My daughter and I went out and had some fun, then we came across this incredible prayer garden and nature trail and it was truly magical!  I kept thinking how much my mom would have loved it and I knew she was there with us.  I hear her voice so much lately, I wish she was here now that I have more time to devote to her.  When my kids were younger I felt almost like she was another child I had to tend to.  To take care of, to ensure she didn't get her feelings hurt and that she had everything she needed.  It felt like a burden sometimes and I am determined not to ever make my kids feel that way about me.  But with that comes the fact that sometimes you realize your kids don't want to take time to be with you, to speak to you.  It's heartbreaking if I am being honest and I can't help but think that maybe when the time comes that I am no longer here that it won't really matter to them since they didn't take advantage of the time when I was here.  I guess it won't matter because I won't be here to know, but it is something that I think about every now and then.  I would give anything to be able to call her one more time and hear "Tina Bellina what are you doing?" 

I realized the other day that most people that love me call me Tee.  And I can always tell when they are pissed at me because they call me Tina. 😉My mother never called me Tee - she either called me Tina Bellina or Tina Marie.  I called her Woman...
she loved that so much.  My oldest son calls me woman and my daughter calls me Tina Marie - somethings carry on....and I love both.  I miss her.  It makes me sad that my children were robbed of more time with her - especially my daughter.  She would love having time with her as an adult, having my mom teach her to crochet and do the rosary with her and just so many things.  I pray that I have that time with my grandchildren and that they love me the way my kids loved my mom.  

My daughter came home a little while ago with flowers for me.  She texted me asking if I liked strawberry milk and which Cheeze-it's were the ones I liked...I said it's not MY birthday and she said I can't hear you!  (she's a wiseass, just like me).  So she came home with flowers and Cheeze-its (my newest addiction) Reese's peanut butter cups (my oldest addiction) and strawberry milk (they didn't have cotton candy this time)....she makes me so proud and so happy and so blessed.  I pray every day that the closeness we have doesn't stop when she has her own family.  I did my very best to include my mom in the lives of my kids and my life even though she never lived in the same state.  My daughter gives me hope that the tattoos we have stay true and we remain connected.  I struggle to know where I fit into my son's lives and to be honest I am not sure if I do or if I ever will again.  But I will hold hope in my heart for the same connection somehow.  And I pray that some of my ways will continue with my children and grandchildren the same way I continue many of my mothers.  Because some day?  All we will have is this day in the life.   Happy Birthday Mommy!  I hope everything today is yellow for you.....

The miracle God gave to me, gives me strength when I am weak....in my daughter's eyes

Apparently today is National Daughter’s Day. Who knew? In my eyes EVERY day is national daughter's day. And I have the best. I had the strangest dream last night and I had to ask Chat GPT to interpret it because I knew it was important. There was a party, then a snake that turned into an alligator and then into the cutest little Simba like Lion cub. In the dream I was trying to keep the snake out of the house and as I was going to take the dog out - Bam, the snake slid under the door and turned into an alligator. I was kicking it in the mouth trying to keep it from attacking my daughter, myself, and the dog. I was calling for my daughter to get something I was going to use to defeat the alligator and while she was looking for whatever it was I led the alligator out of the house. It then turned into the cutest little simba like lion cub. Chat GPT asked where the fear was while I was fighting the snake and the alligator- my stomach, throat, chest? Fear? What is that? I did not feel fear, I said, I was too busy protecting my daughter and the dog. 🤔 Well apparently that changed the whole thing. What stood out to me was that Chat said that even though my daughter was not actively involved she was learning everything she needed by watching me.... learning her lessons and how to behave from observing me all these years.

That got me thinking back over so many times. When I decided to get

divorced.  What struck me the hardest was watching her play with her dollhouse and I thought - Oh my- she is going to think this is how a husband treats his wife. This is a healthy marriage.... oh no, we cannot have that! So, I was not strong enough to leave for myself but for her? Absolutely! Then fast forward through the next 13 years and she has watched me handle---well.... A LOT! And she has learned not to quit.  Not to give in.  She has learned how to set boundaries and find her voice.  Lately she has reminded me so much of my younger self, only stronger and smarter and definitely more beautiful!  She has been watching, and I am grateful she picked up on the strengths.

 

I am so grateful that I have had her all to myself for the last 3 years.  It has been just the two of us as we finally were able to regulate our nervous systems after over a decade of pain, grief, chaos, disappointment, betrayal and so much more.  We have forged a bond that I can confidently say will never be broken.  Obviously, I will always have her back, I am her mom, but I also know she has mine.  I know that no matter what, she will always be my ride or die.

 We have decided it is time to rejoin the world and begin to make a life for ourselves here.  We went to an event the other night and we were put

into separate groups.  I watched her from afar mingle and get to know people and my heart was bursting with pride.  She is all the best parts of me.  When the end of the evening came, she was waiting at the door for me and my new friend said, "there's your beautiful daughter" and I smiled and as we all started chatting they said "you guys have an accent" - try as I might I just can't seem to escape that, but my daughter was so happy!  She said, “I love hearing that!" And as we talked more someone said - "you are so much alike!"  We laughed and I swore I could not have been prouder.  She has grown into the most fabulous human being, and I am just so incredibly grateful to have had this time with her, just the two of us, as the next phase of life starts.  And it is starting.... I feel it.  I know she will be able to manage whatever life throws at her and she HAS learned from watching me...I can see that.  But today while we were out exploring the world separately, I let out a heartfelt prayer - Lord please protect her heart.  Please send her people to lift her up and appreciate her for the incredibly kind and smart and amazing person she is.  And send her a man who will love her unconditionally.  Please do not let her heart be broken the way mine has - please spare her that part of life. Send her a partner

who will support her and love her and not let her down - someone who knows how very blessed he is to have captured her heart - because she deserves EVERY good thing in this world and what is more? She's earned it! In watching me battle what life has thrown over the last decade especially she has already lived through more than a young girl should---let the next chapter lead to her happily ever after, because she is the best of me and deserves the best life has to offer.  And not just a day in the life!

 

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

 I keep thinking about this being the autumn of my life....and this is my first autumn in 20 years and I am so excited!  But then there is the nagging voice that says - honey you're almost in the winter of your life don't kid yourself- I can usually shut that voice up with some chocolate.

This morning during an insightful conversation with my daughter we both came to the conclusion that we treasure peace over anything else.  She reminds me of the me I was in my early 20's.  Before motherhood and my 30's changed my view on life and the world.  When I was still the most important person in my life - I'm bringing that back.  I no longer crave approval from anyone.  It is a definite internal struggle because I still love BIG and I want to make people's lives easier in any way I can .... but it can no longer be at

the cost of my peace.  I have worked way too hard to get to this place of peace and dare I say joy again to lose it.  Is it lonely?  Sometimes.  But I have realized I am no longer willing to beg someone to want me in their life.  If you can't see what I bring to the table or to your life, then I'll remove your seat.  I will always allow people to return - until I don't - so if your seat at my table is gone, I think you need to ask yourself why.  Chances are I gave you everything I had including more chances than you deserved.  

Life is busy these days, full these days.  I have realized that all these years I put people above God.  Not intentionally, but it was a form of worship I am realizing.  And those people have left me, hurt me, ignored me and didn't value me the way that God does. I never have to beg God to spend time with me - to talk to me - to understand my point of view - He just DOES. There are a few people that I have regular contact with. Why is it that I can have daily voice

texts with my friends in Ireland and in Canada but people that I have given so much of myself to can't find 5 minutes to say "hey, how are you?"    Because you make time for the people that matter, that's why! A few of my other loved ones -there was a couple of weeks that life got out of control, and I didn't return their calls (totally unlike me!) and when things calmed down and I apologized they said "Never apologize - I get it!  Call me when you can!"  That is friendship.   In the past I would have stressed out that I didn't respond but I can't do that anymore.  Because hardly anyone does that for me.  I send messages that aren't responded to for days.  People that I have loved with all my heart that never think to check on me.  I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt.  It does....a LOT.  But as I said, I won't push myself in anyone's life ever again.  Now I am working on the hurt and dare I admit, anger that still pops up.  The feeling that I am not important enough to have someone make time for me, to miss me, to see how I am doing.  I know I have an extremely positive outlook on life.... I have faith that can move mountains.  But I am human, and I have struggles and heartache and things that keep me up at night.  Just because I carry it well does not mean it isn't heavy!  But lucky for me Jesus is always just a conversation away and He is always ready to take a seat at my table.   How blessed am I?  And that realization....is not just a day in the life!

He looks at me with those big brown eyes, he's got me in the palm of his hands

 I became a Gigi last week.  My first grandbaby was born 4 weeks early and I am still in disbelief how this little boy is now a dad.  It was just yesterday that I was woken up and told he had a fever, and I needed to authorize a spinal tap for my 3-day old infant.  Now?  He is a dad.  He is dealing with pediatrician appointments and hospitals and bottles and diapers.  How?  But I can tell you something - I have been proud of him millions (that is NOT an exaggeration!) of times in his 27 years on this earth, but never more than I am right at this moment.  

When my daughter in law was in labor, I was glued to my phone the entire night waiting for updates.  Early in the morning that Monday I got the text that SJ was born!  That first photo came through and I just lost my breath.  It was like her father was born all over again.  All I could see was his little face.  Now I know she will be her own person, and she will have traits of both her parents, obviously.  But when my son was born all ANYONE could see was my father's face (still do!) and when his daughter was born, I saw his.  

I got a phone call late on Saturday that he needed me to come to Arizona.  I was on a flight the next day ready to meet my granddaughter.  I was not prepared for the emotion I felt when I saw MY BABY coming off that elevator in that deserted hospital pushing his preemie daughter in the stroller.  I was unsure of how I would feel the first time I saw that perfect little girl, but my first instinct and my first reaction was to hold my son.  I am not sure he will understand until his daughter is grown how a parent never outgrows that instinct to comfort and protect their child.  But he's a man...he's a husband and a father - I need to know my place and remember it.  But in that moment?  He was my child.

Watching him this week caring for his daughter (who, by the way is perfection in human form - not because she's my granddaughter - but because she is!) and his wife I have never been prouder of the man he has become.  I insisted they both get sleep and let me have the night shift - it was not easy because they are already amazing parents - but they relinquished and let me take the middle of the night/early morning shift.  The gift that that was to me I cannot describe.  Sitting and holding her and feeding her and just staring at her perfect little face I was transported back to when her daddy was born. It was the bliss I didn't necessarily get to experience when my babies were small.  I had too many other people I had to take into consideration. But those middle of the night feedings when it was just me and my kids when they were babies was a special kind of magic.

Being a Gigi is a second chance.  But more than that it is getting to see my son experience it for the first time.  Watching him feel all the feelings - watching

him grow into this new role.  Watching him excel at it, like he has done in every area of his life.  I can't help but think that somehow, he will remember when I kissed the boo boos and I protected him from anything and everything I could, that I still would if he would let me.  That I was and always will be there for him whenever he needs me.  Although we are separated by states and time zones, nothing will ever stop me from being there whenever he needs. And that little girl is so incredibly lucky to have him as her daddy. And I am so lucky to have him as my son.  This past week?  Was not just a day in the life...it was the beginning of a whole new one.

Look how much time it took to get right here, but God's timing is perfect

 
Today is the end of an era.  My baby got her driver's license. Now I need to buy a new car because this one is hers and it has been hers since 2021, she just couldn't drive it alone. Some might say well she's 21 what took so long.  And to those I say - zip it skippy!  You have no idea!  So I will tell you.  I will remind you that God's timing is perfect and everything happens exactly when it's meant to and not a moment sooner.  So here we go.

Anyone who has driven in that state of Florida can attest that they are the worst drivers around.  The I4 is the most dangerous highway in the country.  And they let kids get their licenses at 16 years old.  Um, no.  Not in my world.  My sons were both licensed in Arizona where I believe it was 16 also.  They did not get their licenses until I felt they were ready.  My daughter was no different.  My oldest and youngest were both very nervous behind the wheel.  My middle son was born to drive, there was no hesitation at all.  I never wanted to teach my children how to drive.  I am not a very good teacher of things I have been doing practically my whole life.  But there was no one else so I had to.  But my daughter - well I tried to get my son and daughter in law to teach her, but she was really so anxious and it didn't work.  So, I offered to get her driving lessons - nope - she was having none of that.  So....we waited.  I was praying for someone to come along and take this task off my hands, but no one was coming to rescue me.  Luckily, she was in no hurry to get her license so it never was a big issues.  When we moved from Florida to South Dakota something just clicked.  She got behind the wheel the first time here and it was like she had been driving her whole life.  There was no anxiety, there was no hesitation, she just did it.  Which leads me to the point of this blog....when it's time (God's time) nothing will stand in the way.  If you try to force things that are not in God's timing you will be met with obstacles and challenges and you will still get there if you're meant to - however it will be a tedious journey.

Surrendering everything to God's timing is second nature for me.  But I had a conversation with my dearfriend the other day about trusting God to provide when you've spent most of your life being the person who provided for everyone else is not easy.  I get that.  For them the issue was financial - worrying about how to pay for things when there is just not enough money coming in.  I spent most of my marriage telling my ex that God will provide and he would be furious with me, called me Pollyanna, Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, several other not so nice things that I will not repeat.  It was then that I started to realize my faith wasn't something everyone had.  My daddy instilled so much faith in me and I didn't realize it then.  He was not big on the bible or religion and his lessons felt more like just life wisdom than instilling faith, but looking back I realize that my dad really was a man of God (how I miss that man every day!)  Side note, my daughter put on her ring with her Pop's dates on it alone today because she knew she needed just Pop to be with her while she drove the car he left her almost 4 years ago - he is the father every girl should have.    Back to God's timing.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were saying that when you pray for something and it takes a really long time for God to answer, or maybe God just answers with a no - that is protection.  Last week an amazing event unfolded so magically that I just couldn't help but be in AWE of how God took a cancelled appointment and made it into this magical event that put me where I needed to be at just the right time and an encounter with people that were definitely meant to be in my life and it was just such a God moment that I am not going to write about, at some point I will do a video about it - and it led to another meeting the next day that was completely unrelated but God meshed them together.  Mind-blowing.  If you look back at your life to certain times when you were told no by God or redirected and now it all makes sense, it should remind you that God's timing is perfect and you are not late or behind you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Unless of course you are stubborn and don't listen and keep procrastinating - then....well then....God will forcibly move you or make life SO uncomfortable until you wind up where you are meant to.  Trust - total reliance upon spiritual timing.  And these days?  They are not just a day in the life.

Hush little baby don’t you cry, momma’s gonna love you all your life

I sent this to all three of my adult children today.  My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry

too.  He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest).  He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself  up for not being perfect.  Wow.  Who says kids don’t know anything?  It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child.  That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old.  It took me way longer to see that.  And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did.  I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not.  But I strived to be I suppose.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise.  I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes.  Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember.  So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect.  I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible.  I still do.  And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore.  As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow.  Well I didn’t sign up for that!  She’s right I know.  Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night.  As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway.  I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why?  I am fine!  HA!  Sorry mom - I get it now.  Oh boy do I get it.

My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life.  I told him - peace, love and joy.  I used to say happiness - but I want joy again.  I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t

always possible so when they are I embrace them.  But I do cry a LOT.  Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here.  I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here.  But, I know God had other plans.  Every day I just feel so grateful to live here.  I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts.  And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path.  I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is.  I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing!  I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.

I have never dreamt a lot that I remember.  But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up.  So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW!  It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on.  Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on.  (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned.  People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring.  Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses.  Well talk about feeling called out!  I thought I had let go of all that!  I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment.  But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.

Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them.  It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate.  The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning.  Ok, well that went well.  I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time.  Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection.  Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way.  It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me.  Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.

Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

So if this is the last night and you're feeling hollow I'll give you my half life so you'll see tomorrow

 I was planning to write a blog about manipulation. And how I’m very naive to it when I love someone.  But wait I need to start at the beginning. 

I’m not easily manipulated…I can usually smell bullshit from a mile away.  I am a pretty good judge of character and am not easily swayed or pressured into doing anything I don’t want to do (which took decades but that’s another story).  I was going to say that I’m not easily manipulated unless I love you.  Then? I’m like a doe eyed deer who has such faith in you that I can’t believe you would ever purposefully do anything to manipulate me.  Why? Because I love you (duh!) and I don’t give my love to just any random human.  Unless you share my dna- then you get a free pass and I love you because you’re my family.  That as well has changed over time.  I remember my daddy saying “I love (fill in the blank) because they’re my (fill in the blank) but I don’t like them.  Bam!   That stuck with me for sure.  However, putting it into practice and differentiating the two took a long time (I’m slow when it comes to matters of the heart).  

Now I have been manipulated by people I love many times.  My daughter will say “Ma you do what you think is best but I just don’t want you to be manipulated because you feel guilty”. How did she get so wise?  But when I looked at the actual definition of manipulation today (the action of influencing or controlling someone or something to your advantage, often without anyone knowing it) I realized that perhaps it’s NOT manipulation but an issue with the way I handle love.  It’s not necessarily that someone is manipulating me—-it’s that when I love someone I want to do everything in my power to make their lives better.  If they’re unhappy and I can do something to ease that—I want to!!!  Because I love them.  That’s not their fault it’s my issue-right?  They’re not asking me to love them this way-in fact maybe it’s irritating to them who knows.  

Some Wednesday wisdom huh?  I started out trying to advise people against being manipulated by people they love when in fact I just realized I’m not being manipulated—I just love too intensely.  So what do I do?  Stay tuned because that’s something I’m going to have to figure out—-it will be another day in the life. 

It's Me - Hi - I'm the problem it's me.....or is it?

This week was full of dreams that I could not remember when I woke up, but I knew they were somehow significant.  My friend Jill tells me that your subconscious does a lot of healing while you sleep, and the dreams help you process emotions that might be too hard to process when you are awake.  I never really thought about dreams before because I never remembered having them until probably this past year or so.  Chat GPT is fantastic for interpreting your dreams when you remember them.  This week I couldn't.  Probably for the best. But it has left me wondering (as usual) what it is that I am doing wrong in my life.  There are people that I have loved completely and wholly, and they just are not in my life anymore.  I am taken for granted (I feel) by most people that I love completely.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  I have wracked my brain for years to figure out why the people I love so completely have hurt me so deeply and tossed me aside like yesterday's trash. I am just not important enough for people to choose me. What am I doing wrong?  So, I've altered my personality as much as I can.  I do not allow people to have access to all of me anymore.  I have chosen to put myself first and avoid things that make me feel awful.  I am a firm believer that if you can't change something, you need to let it go.  I want to teach everyone this important fact.  If there is something in your life that you can change - DO IT!  What the hell are you waiting for?  Why live with something that keeps repeating itself if you have the power to change it?  Swallow your damn pride and ego and just DO IT!  I have.  Many, many times.  I have learned how to take accountability when I have done something wrong.  I have learned to apologize (something I could not do in my earlier decades).  I have learned to change the things that I can change, whether that be my address, my job, my circle of people, my weight, my diet, my routines - whatever the case may be.  But what about the things I can't?

So, I stay in my bubble.  I cannot force someone to choose me, to choose to have me in their life, to accept me for who I am.  I cannot force someone to include me - to include me in their life, in their heart. So, I do what I need to do to accept that.  To accept that sometimes the people that you love so deeply just don't care enough to love you back.  But if this happens repeatedly - am I the problem?  What am I doing that makes me so disposable to the people I love the most?  I asked my friend Jill that this morning and as ALWAYS, she says the perfect thing.  She builds me up in a way that a best friend does.  But that's just it, she's my best friend OF COURSE she wants me in her life every day, as I do with her.  And my daughter.  My beautiful, incredible daughter.  She is so fiercely protective of me she wants to destroy every person who makes me feel this way.  She repeats things I have told her in the past and how can I argue with my own advice?  Makes it a bit difficult.  So, I did what I normally do - I tried to do a brain dump.  Perhaps weepy music wasn't the best choice, because I am not sad today.... today I am angry.  I am fucking pissed off that I can't fix this.  I am a fixer, a problem solver - that is what I do!  My bosses tell me all the time - you are such a great problem solver because you think outside of the box.  Yea - this is true.  I do.  But this particular issue is something I can't seem to change, no matter what I try.  So, I do what I do - I walk away.  I stop caring.  I focus on myself.  And that usually works!  But this past week or so I have had these people brought into my thoughts and life in a way I have no control over.  So, I can't avoid the thoughts.  And where, in the past, I would cry and be sad for what I have lost, today?  I am pissed off.  I deserve better!  I deserve people who love me and want me in their life and appreciate all the love I have given.  And how dare they just cast me aside like I don't matter!  Well guess what?  It is their loss, and I know this!  Deep down in my core I do.  But I never want to be that person who doesn't take accountability for my part in any of it.  So, I go around in circles to figure out what I have done wrong to bring me to this point and how can I change it going forward?  How can I ensure that the new people finding their way into my life don't hurt me in the way that these loved ones have?  I have worked really hard to break down all the protective walls I built over the majority of my life so that I CAN love completely and allow people in.  Do I need to build them up again?  I think I do where these people are concerned, but do I need to do it going forward with new people?  I hope not.  I hope I can find the right people who will love me as completely as I love them.  People that appreciate me the way I appreciate them.  Cherish me the way I cherish them.  I am extremely careful of who I let into my inner circle, who I share my heart and soul with.  I guess I need to be a bit more careful in the future. 

 Because every day should be an important day in the life!

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain....we all have sorrow

 Last week was one I will never forget.  There was a hurricane set to hit Florida and the amount of stress and fear and just overall judgement and negativity was running rampant.   I usually do not get caught up in that because I just always know I am safe and protected.  But it was really hard to avoid.  I had so many people texting to see if we were evacuating or if our area was safe (which was so nice and made me feel loved) and I was definitely more aware than I usually am.  And then....I got a text from my cousin that they had found another spot on her brain and the cancer may have spread.  Then I got a text that literally made my knees buckle.  I got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends on Wednesday night checking on my daughter and me.  Then on Thursday ---less than 24 hours later a text that her husband died.  I'm sorry what?!?!?!  Two weeks ago she was sending me photos of them during a visit to New York at all of our favorite food places - photos of her hubby eating onion rings from one of our favorite diners - and he's gone?  How?  He died of a heart attack (something called the Widow maker, how surreal) in the middle of telling a joke.  Wow.

We have always joked that we lived parallel lives.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding....we always seemed to be a few years apart in our big life moments.  We got divorced around the same time, had kids around the same time, Moved to different states around the same times.  But in 2015 she got married to the love of her life.  That is where our parallel lives were not so parallel.  And now?  He's gone.  She called me last night and I felt fear run through my body.  I truly had no idea what I was going to say to her?  My big thing is everything happens for a reason - God has a plan.  Well how the hell was I going to try to interpret the plan or reason for this?  I didn't have to.  She told me she knew she needed to lean into God and turn to him and that she felt her husband in her soul.  She said "I know if anyone understands that it would be you".  Wow.  just wow.  She is planning to really embrace her faith and turn to it for solace.  She thanked me for sharing my faith so freely and that whenever she wavered she would reach out to me.

I have really been struggling since I got her text - I just could not wrap my brain around what she must be feeling, how she was going to live in their home surrounded by his presence - how do you function?  How do you carry on after losing the love of your life?  How do you recover being a widow at 55?  How do any of us carry on after loss?  For me?  I turn to God and my faith - if I did not have that I do not know what I would do.  At the same time I was receiving videos and photos from my son and daughter in law from their trip to Europe - talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.   I felt like my insides were in the middle of a ping pong game.  But no matter what, life goes on.  All the tragedy going on in Florida and North Carolina - in the middle of people trying to rent homes to flee the hurricane.  Life goes on.  I'm in the middle of a cross country move.  Life goes on.  How do you stay hopeful and grateful and not let things like this level you?  Faith.  At the end of the day that's all we have, and it's necessary to remember it is just a day in the life-and good or bad, we need to embrace it.

https://gofund.me/ea597f3e

Here’s a go fund me link for my dear friend if you’re able and want to help

I beg your pardon....I never promised you a rose garden-- along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes

 Well, the movement and clarity I have been waiting for has finally arrived.  It has been just over 2 years of waiting.  But just when I was starting to think my God GPS was broken, it came through.  So now the "fun" begins.  The packing, the moving, the setting up utilities, scheduling all the things that come along with it.  But with that comes an excitement I have not had since I moved to Arizona in 2004.  Another cross country move (dear Lord please let it be the last!) to places unknown.  When I left New York in 2004 I was so   excited for this new chapter I really did not have time to be sad.  (packing up a 4-bedroom house with 2 boys and an infant did not leave any time for much else).  When I left Arizona for Florida, I was not excited, but I was not sad.  I knew that was where I needed to be but I was never excited to live here.  8 years later it's time to leave and I am ready and excited!  But today I was driving around and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car and I was just so grateful and happy.  But then....it hit me.  I have to say goodbye to my parents' home for the last time.  I will never drive past my dad's old barber shop again.  I will never think - oh this is the way I used to drive to pick Pop up.  Or oh, I used to go there with my mom all the time.  I came home and was packing the little stuff we have here, and I came across my dad's barber jackets.  They were still hanging in the closet nearly 3 years later.  Now, I have been brutal with this move.  I have had no sentimentality whatsoever; I have been donating every week with not a thought.  But those jackets brought me to tears.  No.  I cannot get rid of them.  I have no idea what I will do with them, but they are coming on this journey with me.  Then I was going through my winter clothes (yes, I am going to need winter clothes) and I found his red sweater and the sweatshirt he was wearing the last time I saw him.  My God will I EVER stop missing them?  The answer is no.  

Even when your prayers are being answered and you are excited and grateful, there are also things that are sad or painful.  Change is not easy.  It doesn't always look the way you thought it would.  Life is about to change in a big way and I am letting my faith guide me.  So, what I am holding onto is that God never promised change would be easy, following his path for your life - isn't always easy.  But - if we focus on the good and stay grateful even after it leaves us, then no day is just a day in the life.