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Saturday, June 21, 2014

Does it really matter?

Today is my daughter's 7th dance recital.  It went from being a one show deal to her being there all day and doing 3 shows and 12 dances.  It makes me reflect on the difference between then and now.  It makes me wonder if I don't care as much about things, or I've learned what's really important....I think it's the later.  When my kids were little I would become so obsessed with how they looked and what they wore and making sure everything was perfect.  Now, I realize, there is no such thing.

In an effort to make everything perfect, I often neglected to enjoy anything.  I would become so crazed and neurotic before a major holiday or event that I didn't ever remember to just be present.  That's all changed now.  I am able to finally live and go with the flow---it's so much better for everyone!  My kids are more relaxed, I am more relaxed---it's definitely more fun!  

With that being said, the old me rears her ugly, OCD head occasionally with her list of shoulds and her finger pointing at someone else who is doing it perfectly and look at how they LOOK.  There is the key word that shuts me down and flips me right back to relaxed mom.  They LOOK perfect.  Yes, that girls costume has way more accessories than mine does---so what?  Yes that little girls hair is perfectly done differently for each and every dance---so what?  Her make up is changed between numbers to match whatever costume is coming next----so what?  My daughter is HAPPY!  She is relaxed and able to be herself.  She doesn't WANT all that crap that I used to push on her.  If she ASKED me for all that, you know what---I would snap on my supermom cape and do the best I could to get it for her.  But she doesn't care about it.  It was ME that used to fuss and push and try to make it all "perfect"---meanwhile, it's supposed to be for her, right?  I think a lot of parents forget that.

My older son has returned from his second year of college and commented the other day that I am a total different parent to "those two" (his younger siblings) than I was to him.  I'm raising them differently he said.  He's right.  I'm a totally different person now.  I'm not all crazed and angry and frustrated and exhausted---well I AM still exhausted but I can handle that.  Plus, I'm divorced and I don't have a stressful, unhappy marriage weighing me down anymore.  I am free to be me!  I'm sorry he had the ubercrazyperfectionist mom---she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.  Everyone thought we had this perfect family---what I've come to realize is that everyone isn't living in my home.  Everyone is not living my life---I don't need to impress anyone!  And if there is anything that my oldest has taught me is that it is THEIR lives not mine to live.  I do my best to impose my morals and my opinion of right and wrong to them and raise them the way I feel will make them good, kind, decent human beings.  The rest is just for show and it's THEIR show, not mine---I want them to be happy not perfect.  As far as the rest.....does it really matter?

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Silence is Golden...

As I evolve and change and become more in tuned with the Law of Attraction and my angels and just the person I am inside I am getting more impatient with those that are not where I am.  It's not a good thing but I have no doubt that it is part of my growth process and a necessary one.  I need to learn to be silent.  I need to learn that not everything requires a response or a comment.  This is extremely difficult for me.  I am a talker.... I am a fixer.....I am a conversationalist.....but right now that makes me argumentative.  People are pissing me off left and right.  My life at the moment is basically a total tornado.  There is so much negativity swirling around me and so many REAL issues that are life changing that peoples tiny little petty crap  that is self induced and insignificant is frustrating me to no end!

SILENCE


My angels scream it into my head daily.  I wish they would put my hand over my mouth and take the negative emotion of anger away from me.  I am learning to release control of things...this is like asking me to become a man --it's that difficult!  But I am doing it...making good progress and feeling great about it.  However, being in the company of people who are still trying to control every tiny detail of life and then deny that they are doing it is making me nuts!  Or worse than that, people who continuously do the same thing day in and day out and wonder "why does this keep happening to me?"  Oy vey.  I know it is time for me to take a step back from society and the people in my life while I go through this transformation and these crappy situations that have taken over my life right now.  I am spewing negativity and I hate that!  I have come so far and this set back is devastating me.  I don't like being the person who bitches all the time, I know that it just brings me more to bitch about---I just am having trouble stopping.  And the more I am around people the harder it is for me to be that positive person I've worked so hard to become.  I know that the time is coming that a lot of people will have to be removed from my life in order for me to move forward on the path that I want to travel....the path I am destined to travel.   It's just easier said than done.  I am a life vest for a lot of people.  I am the voice of reason, the one who can make them laugh and pick up their down moods.  Well that's great and I love doing it---but at some point I have to look at myself and say---who does that for me?  Those are the people that I need to surround myself with.  Where are they?  I'm not going to attract them if I keep surrounding myself with negative Nellys/Neds.  This has happened before in my life....whenever you change and grow then some of the "excess" needs to fall away---that excess is negative people or people that just make me feel negative emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, and the one I feel the most---used and taken advantage of).  It's never easy, but it is necessary and I know this.  And the more I trust in God and ask Him to bring me a certain kind of person the more He delivers.  I am manifesting good things all the time.  I just need to be quicker to release what no longer serves me in my path to my higher self.  I'm stubborn, and working on it.

In the meantime....silence is golden and I need to learn to just BE QUIET!  Keep my thoughts to myself and not share every one with the world.  I'm a work in progress and I know I will love the finished result.....

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Cleaning....is it really necessary?

Let me start by saying that I grew up in an IMMACULATE home....you could eat off the floors at any given moment and there was never any clutter anywhere!  I never thought about it, it's just the way it was.  If I'm being honest I never cared.  Probably because I wasn't the one doing the cleaning.  I also remember that whenever I was given a chore to do (rarely) my mother always redid it.  That was the beginning of my self-esteem issues and the fact that I often feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.  I also felt like a clean house was too important to my mother.  I remember asking her if we could do something and it would always be prefaced by I have to vacuum first or whatever chore had to be accomplished.  I promised myself that when I had children I would never do that.  And I didn't.  I went a bit too the opposite side and my house was often messy when they were little, but I could not put the emphasis on cleaning that my mother had.

I may sound like I'm judging here, and that's not my intent, but I feel like people who obsess over how clean their homes are could be avoiding dealing with things beyond their control.  Cleaning the bathroom is something you can control, you don't have to think about it.  It's matter of fact.  And it makes you feel good about yourself---I always feel better when the house is clean.  However, dealing with my daughter's issue with the class bully is not as cut and dry.  Sometimes, I'd rather throw myself into cleaning the baseboards then deal with the emotions and feelings of my teenager--because I can't fix that and tie it into a nice clean package.  It's messy, and exhausting and doesn't always wind up the way I want.  However, the dirt will be there tomorrow and my kids will not always be!  The vacuum will not remember the bonding time we shared---my kids will!

The other day I overheard a conversation between two women bragging over how much they clean, I have a friend that will have a 20 minute conversation with you about how she washed her walls...BOOOORRRRRIIINNNG!  People pride themselves on how sparking clean their home is, but is there any fun going on there?  Do people feel comfortable there?  Do you clean the dishes off the table immediately instead of sitting and enjoying after dinner conversation?  Is having a spotless sliding glass door more important than playing a game of Sorry with your 8 year old?  Are you too tired at the end of the day to bake some cookies with your preschooler?  What's wrong with this picture?  Don't get me wrong I am not advocating a filthy house by any means!  My house is clean, a bit messy I'll give you, but it's clean.  Is it perfection or pristine?  Absolutely not!  But guess what...who cares?  Tomorrow is another day and there will always be more dirt and mess and streaks to take care of.  But your 4 year old will only be 4 for a short time.  My 10 year old daughter will not always want to play a game or make bracelets or bake cookies with me, my 15 year old will not always want spend time watching a movie with me or talk to me about what's going on in his world, and I am completely blessed that when he comes home from college my 20 year old will spend 3 hours talking to me about everything under the sun---these moments are fleeting! Think about that the next time you tell your kids "as soon as I finish (fill in the blank)...."