He looks at me with those big brown eyes, he's got me in the palm of his hands

 I became a Gigi last week.  My first grandbaby was born 4 weeks early and I am still in disbelief how this little boy is now a dad.  It was just yesterday that I was woken up and told he had a fever, and I needed to authorize a spinal tap for my 3-day old infant.  Now?  He is a dad.  He is dealing with pediatrician appointments and hospitals and bottles and diapers.  How?  But I can tell you something - I have been proud of him millions (that is NOT an exaggeration!) of times in his 27 years on this earth, but never more than I am right at this moment.  

When my daughter in law was in labor, I was glued to my phone the entire night waiting for updates.  Early in the morning that Monday I got the text that SJ was born!  That first photo came through and I just lost my breath.  It was like her father was born all over again.  All I could see was his little face.  Now I know she will be her own person, and she will have traits of both her parents, obviously.  But when my son was born all ANYONE could see was my father's face (still do!) and when his daughter was born, I saw his.  

I got a phone call late on Saturday that he needed me to come to Arizona.  I was on a flight the next day ready to meet my granddaughter.  I was not prepared for the emotion I felt when I saw MY BABY coming off that elevator in that deserted hospital pushing his preemie daughter in the stroller.  I was unsure of how I would feel the first time I saw that perfect little girl, but my first instinct and my first reaction was to hold my son.  I am not sure he will understand until his daughter is grown how a parent never outgrows that instinct to comfort and protect their child.  But he's a man...he's a husband and a father - I need to know my place and remember it.  But in that moment?  He was my child.

Watching him this week caring for his daughter (who, by the way is perfection in human form - not because she's my granddaughter - but because she is!) and his wife I have never been prouder of the man he has become.  I insisted they both get sleep and let me have the night shift - it was not easy because they are already amazing parents - but they relinquished and let me take the middle of the night/early morning shift.  The gift that that was to me I cannot describe.  Sitting and holding her and feeding her and just staring at her perfect little face I was transported back to when her daddy was born. It was the bliss I didn't necessarily get to experience when my babies were small.  I had too many other people I had to take into consideration. But those middle of the night feedings when it was just me and my kids when they were babies was a special kind of magic.

Being a Gigi is a second chance.  But more than that it is getting to see my son experience it for the first time.  Watching him feel all the feelings - watching

him grow into this new role.  Watching him excel at it, like he has done in every area of his life.  I can't help but think that somehow, he will remember when I kissed the boo boos and I protected him from anything and everything I could, that I still would if he would let me.  That I was and always will be there for him whenever he needs me.  Although we are separated by states and time zones, nothing will ever stop me from being there whenever he needs. And that little girl is so incredibly lucky to have him as her daddy. And I am so lucky to have him as my son.  This past week?  Was not just a day in the life...it was the beginning of a whole new one.

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo

If I could save time in a bottle...the first thing that I'd like to do

I spent 4 of the last 7 days in Disney World.  So many observations during that time, for sure, but I think the biggest one was how much time people spend capturing memories instead of living the moment.  Disney actually banned selfie sticks so that people would be present instead of focusing on "capturing the moment".  It didn't stop people though.  Walking down Main Street videoing every thing in front of them.  What were they NOT paying attention to?  Their family and loved ones that they came to the Magic Kingdom with!  As a resident of Florida and someone who can go there pretty much every day it afforded me the luxury of observing this practice without being part of it.  It allowed me to see how I myself have progressed where this is concerned.  My first visit to Walt's world was when I was 7 years old, so I had no control of picture taking, I do remember my parents taking a lot of photos of the scenery. The next trip was when I was 20 and then 22 and I admit I took a lot of scenery pictures.  Those have since been thrown out.  My next visit was when my kids were little. I did take a lot more photographs of them, but I didn't take any of the scenery...I was already realizing what was important when capturing memories.  Now, besides an occasional picture of my kids during a downtime moment my phone/camera stayed in my backpack.  I wanted to enjoy the time with my kids instead of capturing it.

I know it sounds like I'm judging, and I'm not!  My sister is the family photographer and any time anyone needs a picture for something they ask Aunt Debbie.  Living in Arizona for 12 years I often wished she was there to photograph my kids parties or events because that's her thing and she's damn good at it. And she seems to be able to be present AND take pictures.  I don't think that's a skill a lot of people have.

What the picture taking at Disney led me to realize was that people aren't just preoccupied taking pictures they are busy posting them for the world to see.  Look, look at me, look at what a GREAT time I'm having......WHY?  Why do people care if others see the fun, why aren't they more absorbed IN the fun instead of posting it?  I do post pictures of my family enjoying life....but I post it AFTER the fact 98% of the time.  I think that's the part that gets me.  Looking around so many people were on their phone, checking social media....why?  You are with people I'm assuming you love, because you've chosen to spend this time with them, so why are you checking out what everyone else is doing?  This social media addiction is causing people to be so discontented with their own lives it's become an epidemic.  I know, I got caught up in it many times.  Summer's that were so hot in Arizona that we were inside most of the time and everyone else was having bbqs and beach outings, I felt dismayed with my life.  Everything I post on social media is authentic and positive.  If it's a stressful or not fun experience I don't post about it.  I've had people tell me so many times (after I commented about something they posted) that they were miserable and it wasn't any fun at all, yet to the rest of the world it looks like they are having the time of their life.  WHY?  Why do you CARE what everyone thinks first of all and secondly, why try to fake it?  Anyway, I digress, this is not what this post started for.

Being present.  Yes, that's the ticket.  As my kids and I waited on line after line we made memories.  We relived memories, we laughed and just connected.  My son said to me a few times, Jeez ma everyone looks so miserable.  I tried to explain it away and say "well, they're trying to cram it all into a short period of time and we have all the time in the world, so it's different", but it made me think.  I think most people are searching for the next shiny toy, the next feel good moment, the next high.  I've come to realize that MOST moments are those moments if you look at it from a different perspective.  We were in Target the other night on the way home from Disney to pick up a few things and we literally were laughing so hard we cried.  I stopped in the middle of an aisle, doubled over in laughter and my kids were too.  We had just as much fun at Target as we had in Disney World. Why?  Because we were together and we have fun everywhere.  That's not to say we are never upset or less than happy, of course we are, we're human!  But, we try to look at the good in everything, even waiting on a long, sweaty line at Disney World.

My kids tease me a lot about how in love I am with my Prince Charming.  They imitate my facial expression when I talk about him or talk to him and my sister simply says "eye roll" when I gush about him.  They are all happy for me and they know how long I've waited for this happiness that surrounds me now.  On one of our very first dates we were sitting having coffee and there was a family of 3 sitting at the next table and they were each engaged in their own electronic device.  I looked at him and I said "Promise me we will never be like that!"  He immediately said "Absolutely not! No way will that happen."  And it won't....because we've made a conscious choice to make sure that it doesn't.  And it IS a choice.  Everyone has the option of focusing on what they choose to focus on, whether it be social media, television, a book, music or the people they're with.  No one else can make that choice for them.

Sometimes I just feel that everyone is looking for something to fill a void in their life, that empty spot that keeps them searching for more.  Sometimes it's because they are looking for something they think someone else has or sometimes they are just in the wrong relationships and they need to move out of their comfort zone to find what they seek.  Other times they need to look in the mirror to change something to fill that empty spot.  But a lot of times I think it's like Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz....."Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along."  You just have to put your phone down and SEE it.