You may say I'm a dreamer......

 Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I know it's a month away, but we were all together and as I always told my kids I don't care if it's a Wednesday in April and we celebrate Christmas---when we're all together it's a holiday for me.  Now, I've been off my holiday game probably since my youngest found out that Santa isn't real. Being a person who makes an average Tuesday into a holiday has its pros and cons.  It means that the ACTUAL holidays are not as important and the stress and hoopla is kinda a nuisance to me.  BUT, I have traditions that I have created and my kids look forward to them so I continue them (or face the wrath lol).  Every Thanksgiving I give them each a decoration that they will then take with them when they move out of my home.  My oldest---nutcrackers.  So we have 20 something Nutcrackers that come out every December.  My creme filling son---it was snowmen.  His wife was a little underwhelmed with the amount of snowmen that now decorate her home, so a few years back I switched to just giving them a random decoration on Thanksgiving (I'm not sure my son likes this too much....he loved his snowmen).  When he moved out I realized that I really need to purchase some decorations of my own because 20 snowmen missing was a huge gap in the decor.  My baby girl started out with Angels and then she decided she preferred snowglobes so that's what she gets.  Well I normally have an extra month to get these things but when I returned from a trip on Monday I realized that I had less than a week!  I also realized that buying my Turkey on Wednesday (at full price for the first time in 32 years!!!) did not give it enough time to defrost in the Fridge....minor details.  I also realized that no one sells lemon pudding anymore!  Walmart online delivery to the rescue---my oldest needs his lemon meringue pie!  Ok, so....here we go.  The reason for this blog post----at least I THINK there is a message.

I actually convinced myself it was Thanksgiving.  I was shopping on Saturday for a new tablecloth because I did not have time to get to storage and get out my dishes and tablecloths etc.  I was irritated at how little Thanksgiving things were around, because ummm helllooooo tomorrow is Thanksgiving...oooh wait---no it's not.  And, shoot---late that evening the boys ate all the munchies during their Saturday night MMA fight night hoopla and I can't run out on Thanksgiving morning!  We even found the parade on You Tube.  My daughter woke up that morning and didn't understand why none of her friends were posting anything on social media about Thanksgiving.  We were really living in another dimension.  That brings me to my realization....

We can convince ourselves of anything---our imagination is a powerful tool.  If you believe it, you can create it and achieve it.  You can convince yourself of pretty much anything if your heart is in it.  

Spending a week with my oldest is really eye opening for me.  He sees me in a way that warms my heart.  He has truly seen me at my worst and at my best and he and I have been through really awful moments in our mother/son relationship, including nearly a year of not speaking.  We discussed how the mind works and why we are all (our family) able to live in this year of craziness and see the good in it, to see the reasons for a lot of it.  He knows so much about the subconscious mind and how to clear things out---he helps me process so much. We discussed visualizing things and how it becomes real. I've never been much of a visualizer--I can't see things that I imagine.  But I'm realizing that the things I cannot visualize are things that aren't meant for me.  Which also makes me realize that if I can imagine it than it's possible!  

I decided to take a course this month related to that Quantum leap.  It's teaching me a lot about myself and the fact that there isn't much I want materially in life.  When guided to try to manifest a thing----there isn't anything materially that I want.  Everything that makes me happy and makes my heart sing and my soul have peace has to do with relationships and the people I love.  It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.  What do I strive for?  What can I do to make my life better when the only things I want aren't things at all?  What can I do when people that are my priority have other priorities?  This is what I'm working on....trying to figure out what to do about this.  I want to say what's wrong with me?  But then I realize I don't know how to be any other way.  I've been this way my whole life- yes in the past I wanted certain material things (a home of my own, a new car etc.) but those were only to enrich the things that were really important to me.  The home was for my children and the car was for safety and the new car smell (I'm a sucker for new car smell). ...............

Well I will continue to work on this thing we call life....try to find new passions and things that drive me---but unless you can teach an old dog new tricks I'm not sure how successful I will be.

Happy Thanksgiving.....it's just a day in the life <3

They say old lovers can be good friends.....

Life just continues to twist and change.  When I first got divorced I didn't want to be in the same room as my ex husband.  It was weird and awkward and I needed to be away from him permanently.  I wanted him to have a relationship with our children that did not include me.  That did not happen.  He still tried to include me in every conversation/meeting/purchase that he made for them.  It was so frustrating to me that I just detached completely from him.  This was not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to be cordial and have an amicable divorce.  When people would see us together at events they were shocked by how well we got along.  Sure, because it didn't matter to me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything from him but to be a father to our children.  I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore.  I had laid down my sword, so to speak.

We had a really bad patch for about 10 months where we didn't speak and it was vicious.  Things happened that I never thought would, he did things I never thought he would.  He was being influenced by people close to him that really didn't like me.  One of them our oldest son.  We got through that phase and slowly began to be friends again.  I have reached out to him a few times since he moved to Florida and he's been there for me and I am grateful.  He mentioned he had no where to go for Thanksgiving and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were going to Disney but he was welcome to come for dinner at noon.  My kids were shocked.  My sons have made peace with him and have created their own unique relationship with him.  My daughter, well she wants nothing to do with him and was less than thrilled but was accepting of it.  This week I had a huge issue with my car and I reached out to him for help.  Via text he said something that made me say wow.  you know me pretty well --- he could tell in a 4 word text that I was losing my shit.  He said obviously he did. 

He was here a week or so ago and we sat down to talk when he brought our son home.  Something came up and made us remember a trip to Disneyland when the kids were younger and he reenacted it and we were literally laughing until we cried.  My oldest and youngest looked at each other with bewildered faces.  They had no memory of what we were talking about.  It was so strange because it was like reminiscing with an old friend.  I truly forget that we were married for 23 years.  I look at him and it's like he's just someone I've known forever.  There is a comfort level there that makes certain things so easy.  We discussed Christmas and we still work like a well oiled machine when it comes to the kids.  He remembers all of those Christmases that we played Santa and I don't have to explain it.  He used to buy the kids and me an ornament every Thanksgiving to go with the Nutcracker, Snowman and Angel/Snow globe that I gave the kids.  Well the other day a box came in the mail and inside were wrapped ornaments with all of our names on them.  It was thoughtful things like that that kept me married to him for as long as I was.  He is a good person.  He means well.  He just isn't my person.  And he's not the father I thought he would have been----he's always taken care of the kids financially, but emotionally?  The relationship just isn't there.  It's sad.  Especially with my daughter---she is just perfection, she truly is.  And he doesn't know her----AT all.  And I don't know that she will ever give him a chance if he asked for it.  It's a gift to know her, truly a gift if she lets you in....and unfortunately the men that she did let in have let her down.  She's stronger for it.  She's fiercely independent and she's starting to explore the relationship world.  She's got her shit together.  Thank God.  She's got a balance of kindness and assertiveness, of compassion and no bullshit....Thankfully.

So, tomorrow....the five of us and my lovely daughter in law will have Thanksgiving dinner together for the first time in 7 years.  Will it become tradition?  I don't think so.  But I just couldn't let him be alone when there was no reason for it.  My sons will be able to watch football with their father and even though it doesn't matter to them it matters to me.  He has given me the 3 things I'm the most thankful for.  And for that I will always be grateful.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It's the holiday season.  Some love it, others loathe it.  Are you a grinch, scrooge or are you Santa himself?  Have you ever given any thought as to why you feel the way you do about the holidays? I have run the gamut of emotions towards this time of the year.   I always looked forward to Thanksgiving because there were foods I didn't get any other time of the year.  I always anticipated the day with such joy, I'm not sure why. I would get so excited when people would be coming over and the smells in the house and the preparation.  It was all so out of the ordinary and I loved that.  Looking back, I spent a great deal of time alone during those holiday celebrations.  I never had anyone my age and back then children were seen and not heard.  My uncle Tommy was someone that I just loved being around.  He rarely paid attention to me looking back, but there was something about him that I just adored!  And he was funny, he would tell stories that had everyone laughing (they of course went over my head but I was enthralled with him nonetheless).  My mother never sat.  Looking back I never remember her enjoying the actual company at Thanksgiving, she was always in the kitchen and as years passed my sister was in there with her.  Did they enjoy the day?  Not sure.  My dad did, that's for sure.  He loved it.  Having everyone over, playing host---that's his thing.  I remember him at the head of the table and my Uncle Tommy at the other.  It was safe for me, and comforting.

As the years passed our Thanksgiving turned into less extended family and our family friends came over.  Those were memories I loved!  It's funny, but now that I'm older the family dynamics of the fact that my aunts and uncles were also my dad's siblings gives me a lot of aha moments that I didn't have back then.  The family dynamics that can make or break a holiday.  Once the holiday became quieter and it was our closest family friends over I definitely enjoyed it more, was included more.  The children should be seen and not heard dynamic was gone more or less because we weren't little anymore.  The stories didn't go as far over my head as they used to.  It was more fun for me.

Then it became a day for just our immediate family and our significant others.  Those were more ordinary (like a regular dinner) a little more stressful (who had to leave at what time to get to their boyfriend/girlfriends family) ---the times had changed.  Then my parents moved to Florida and for a few years it was very lost during Thanksgiving.  My brother would go to his in laws and my sister and I would go to my Aunts.  It was odd.  It felt strange.  I'll never forget the first year I didn't see anyone in my family on Thanksgiving and the food was so much different than I grew up with. I can feel it like it was this morning---it was awful.  That's when I decided I would cook Thanksgiving dinner until the day came that I was physically unable to do it again.

So, in 1988 I started making Thanksgiving dinner and it was hosted at my home every year since.  I've missed a few (one the year I moved and once when I was back in NY for Thanksgiving) but other than that Thanksgiving is MY holiday. When Richie turned 5 I started a tradition of giving him a nutcracker every year on Thanksgiving and Danny got a snowman.  My goal was that when they moved out of my home they would have their own set of Christmas decorations for their own home.  Emily came along and I started her on angels. They look forward to that every year and they each have a nice collection already!   Some years it bothers me that my kids don't have a lot of family coming over or anyone other than us.  But whenever I suggest inviting anyone or doing something different they look at me like I'm nuts.  They love it just being the 4 of us.  We started a new tradition of going and seeing a movie after dinner (I started that knowing I would be getting divorced and I didn't want that first Thanksgiving after the divorce to be weird--I worried for nothing!) Last year nothing was playing so we had a Santa Clause 1 2 and 3 marathon.  They have great memories.  No stress, no strife, nothing but food and football, family and fun.  And the food?  I have it down to a science--I even get to sit and watch the parade <3

Ha....as I'm typing this my daughter came into the room and said "It's almost Thanksgiving mama.  I can't wait for the food!  You always make the best food!"   And with THAT I am very very Thankful xoxoxo