Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

Just hold on loosely, but don't let go!

 Happy 2025!  So far?  So good!  Now I say that as if it's all been sunshine and rainbows.  I ended 2024 in a magnificent place, with this hope in my heart and joy in my soul.  It was a really nice change of pace from the last (dare I say) almost decade?  I am trying to keep that momentum going during this beginning of the next decade and I am doing a pretty good job.  Does this mean that things are smooth sailing over here in the Midwest?  Umm no!  I am human, after all, and I have a pretty big birthday looming around the corner which I must admit is attempting to affect me the way my 20th and 30th did - not well bitch.  My 40th and 50th were not terrible.  I don't usually allow the number to affect me, but this one?  It is not my friend.  I feel certain age-related things creeping in - and between me and you?  I am not allowing it.  Nope.  I refuse to feel my age ever.  I type this I can't deny there are tears welling up in my eyes.  How did I get here?  I still feel like that 20-year-old girl adjusting to my parents moving away and having to attempt to be a grown up.  What happened to the last 40 years?  So much and yet not enough.  How do I get myself out of this funk and these thoughts that are threatening to consume me?  I will tell you how, by remembering this little tidbit - Life can change in an INSTANT - good or bad - so it's best not to get too far ahead of yourself or look back too far.  

When life seems stagnant or like your dreams are not going to come true, I urge you to think of a time when you got a call or a text or a meeting that changed everything very unexpectedly.  Life can change in an instant.  As I am typing this so many of those moments are racing through my mind.  Feeling sad or alone and you get a life changing phone call or text or email from someone you were not expecting.  Life will never be the same.  Having a good day and then an argument starts, and everything crumbles, and you feel like the rug is pulled out from under you.  Life will never be the same.   A random meeting with someone new that changes everything.  Life will never be the same.  Some of those moments are burned on your brain and you remember every detail - you can even put yourself right back in that moment.  Some you can barely remember but you know it changed life as you knew it.  I think a lot of us focus on the bad change moments - those I can usually remember very vividly - a summer night in 1998 coming home to find out my husband was not who I hoped he was. Walking down the maternity hall and seeing your newborn in the nursery and being woken up an hour later with frantic doctors asking you to sign release forms for a spinal tap.  Leaving the hospital without your newborn 4 days later (yes, my middle son kept me on my toes!) A Wednesday before Thanksgiving in 1999 when my middle son nearly choked at the mall after I was told my $20 bill (given to me by a cub scout mom) was counterfeit and my husband came home and told me he lost his job- two weeks later I had a horrific car accident with my middle son in the car and my car was totaled. Another summer day in 2004 when I had just had surgery, and I found out my husband lost his job. Yet another summer day in 2009 when I found out my middle son had cancer at the age of 10.  Christmas Eve 2013 when my oldest decided to tell me what a horrible mother I was and disrupted the entire home and it turned out to be the last Christmas I would spend with my mother - this is depressing I think I will stop that train.  

There are a few life changing moments that were wonderful that I do remember just as vividly. The birth of each of my children.  Driving across the country and seeing the "purple mountains majesty" while entering New Mexico. Walking into your first brand new home that was more than you could ever dream of.  An email out of the blue from someone you thought was left in your past. A phone call/text/facetime announcing engagements and pregnancies. A random message that starts a relationship that changes your life. A first kiss that made the rest of the world fall away and shook the earth. A conversation while taking my son to college at a restaurant that led to him realizing he was ready to propose to his girlfriend. Picking my daughter up to find out she made Varsity cheer in her freshman year - these are but a few.  During most of these moments I had no idea what would come next, just how quickly life can change.

So, when I am in a not-so-great place I remind myself just how quickly life can change and we don't have to know how or when, we just have to trust that what is meant to be will always find a way.  And if something doesn't happen, then perhaps it wasn't meant to be and something even better than you can imagine is around the corner.  Be kind to yourself - forgive yourself for things you wish you had done differently.  I also want you to remember that miracles happen each and every day, and yours can be next!  And on those not so magical days remember - it's just a day in the life!

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓