Follow this blog

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small

Today was an ordinary day....yet it was so special.  I had a really rough night.  I was up tossing and turning and fear was gripping my thoughts.  Tears were brimming and I just couldn't make it go away.  I tried desperately to go back to sleep and when I did finally fall asleep around 7 am I had some pretty bad dreams.  I was not looking forward to facing the day.  My sons were both up early and being that I sold our kitchen table we all sat on the floor and the stairs and started one of our infamous conversations.  It started with my creme filling son and me discussing a situation that's been ongoing.  Then my oldest asked to be caught up on the conversation so he could help.  It was a magical time.   We just discussed so many things about relationships, love, plans, time passing, I couldn't even begin to tell you what we covered.  What I can tell you is that I have raised incredible men.  I enjoy their company pretty much more than anyone else in the world.  My mood turned around pretty quickly.  I realized that no matter what life throws at me in the future I will always have them and I'm so blessed!  The time for all of us being together all the time is coming to a quick end....this summer is so bittersweet.  We are taking full advantage of this time together and I'm just so grateful.

It wasn't long before my daughter joined the party.  She's too young for the deep conversation we were having so we decided to work on putting together a playhouse that she had outgrown.  The four of us were laughing so hard I literally couldn't breathe!  It's rare that all three of my kids are on the same page at the same time.  Usually two are clicking and the third isn't on that wave.  Today they were like a rainbow spreading their colorful joy throughout the house and I got the pot of gold.
I feel so lucky. I'm so grateful for these blessings.  I'm so grateful that my dreams of being a mother were fulfilled, that I was able to plan each one of these children and raise them exactly how I wanted.  I got to spend every moment of their childhoods with them, never missing a beat.  I got to home school them until they chose not to be home schooled anymore. They all love me unconditionally....I can count on one hand how many times they have looked at me with distaste or anger.  They discuss all of life's challenges with me.  I know the not so perfect things they've done, because they've told me.  The relationship that I have with my children is pretty spectacular.  I find myself saying frequently that my children never behaved this way or that way.  I realize how very lucky I am.  When selling my kitchen table I realized there was not a scratch on it.  It is 14 years old! My kids were never destructive, wild or disrespectful.   I home schooled my kids at that table, served 14 Thanksgiving dinners, countless dinners, lunches, breakfasts....colored Easter eggs there for 13 years.  The memories are embedded in all of our minds.  I know a lot of people get emotional or melancholy when they feel those moments are over.  But instead I feel happy.  I feel excited.  I feel eager to see what the future holds for the four of us.  Our family will grow and add new memories to the already large treasure trove of happy ones we have.  And when you think about it....it's just a day in the life <3 p="">

Thursday, June 23, 2016

I don't wanna miss a thing

My godson graduated High School tonight.  I wasn't there.  My sister was so good about sending me pictures all day.  It made me cry.  I've missed my two nieces High School graduations and now my Godsons.....it doesn't get easier.  I do my best to get back for every important event in my nieces and godsons lives, but unfortunately sometimes it's just not possible.  This year is a rough one.  My son's graduation, moving, college, the list is endless.  I was planning to be there for his graduation, but tickets were an issue.  At the last minute my sister was able to get more....makes it worse.  My Godson is a sweetheart, he understood, but seeing him in his cap and gown and dressed for prom last night is just a bit too much for my emotions right now.  I don't know why time has to pass so quickly.  It feels like yesterday I was rushing to the hospital to see him in the NICU.  My 6 foot Godson was only 3 lbs 7 oz at birth, 13 weeks premature.  I fell in love with him instantly.  I saw the beautiful soul he would become.  It was difficult to spend a lot of one on one time with him while he was growing up because I had a four year old and a four month old when he was born.  Plus, he and my younger son were inseparable so neither one of them wanted to spend time with anyone but each other.

I did my best to get to know him the way I did with my oldest Godson and niece.  It was difficult when the kids all just wanted to be together.  Last year I was in New York and my son wasn't there for a few days at the beginning and the end of my trip.  I got one on one time with him a lot!  I got to see a side of him that not a lot of people get to see.  He's hilarious, first of all.  He's so smart and so grounded.  He's an only child and yet he has none of the stigmas associated with only children.  And he loves being an only child.  He's comfortable in his own skin in a way that a lot of teenagers aren't.  He's laid back, yet he observes everything around him and has really good instincts about people.  He's wise beyond his years.  He's very similar to my oldest son in that he does things his way, not really caring what anyone else thinks about it (in a good way!).  Those moments spent sitting on the floor with him one on one will forever be etched in my mind.  For him it probably wasn't that memorable, he's known how much I adore him from birth.  But for me?  It was beyond magical.  It was like time stood still and I got to make up for all those years that I lived so far away and the time spent together was too crazy for times like this.  I remember I told him I wished everyone could see this side of him.  He told me (in almost the exact words my oldest used) "Nah.  Not everybody is worth showing this side to. If they don't want to get to know me then why bother?  They will think what they want anyway"  Damn it took me 40 years to figure that out!  Smart kid.

My kids are used to seeing me cry on days like today.  They know how much I love my Godsons and nieces.  They are upset too, family is important to them.  So tonight as I wipe the tears that have been flowing today as I remember the boy he was and the man he is becoming, I celebrate him.  I applaud him and the choices he's making and I silently whisper a prayer for God to continue to watch over my Pickolas and guide him and keep him safe.  And I send him love from across all the miles and I hope he knows how very much I love him and how proud I am of him.  And I pray that he and my son don't graduate college on the same weekend because I want a front row seat to watch that milestone <3 p="">

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Changes....turn.and face the strange.....

My life is blowing full steam ahead.  My faith is carrying me.  My stomach and brain are having difficulty on certain days realizing that.  I find myself riding the roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis.  Normally I keep it all to myself and work through it so that it doesn't seem so crazy, however I have someone in my life now that picks up on my every voice change and I can't hide it.  It's an incredible feeling to have someone love you that much.  It's also scary as hell because I run this risk of tainting that love by being such a whiner.  And then of course because it's already out there I decide to write about it.  It really helps to get it all out there, and maybe, someone reading this needs to hear it too.

I know that everything will fall into place perfectly.  It always does. Maybe it's just the changes that have me reeling.  Within the next two months I will be moving across the country and taking my son to college, sending my daughter to middle school and starting life all over.....again.  It's all exciting, it's all things I want to happen, but all at once?  Of course...I can handle it.  With God on my side I can handle anything.

I booked my hotel rooms for my son's orientation and for Parents weekend.  I truly feel like I'm in denial about the whole thing.  Maybe God is protecting me by giving me all the other stuff to think about.....moving, packing, finding a house, getting my daughter registered at school, physicals, the list goes on.  Because, truth be told, when I think about leaving my son at college I can't breathe.  Four years ago when my oldest went away to school I was going through a divorce and moving and packing .....again being protected from too much time to think.  He told me something recently about when we left him in his dorm room.  I can't get the vision out of my mind and when I think about leaving my younger son and I feel sick.  I am realizing that he has been....everything for me these last 4 years.  He is a protector, a confidant....he's just been so much more than just my son.  When my oldest turned 17 he began to separate from me, in preparation for him becoming an adult.  My younger son hasn't done that AT ALL.   I have found myself separating from him to try to make it easier on both of us.  He won't let me.  So, what do I do?  Continue to have this bond be so close and have both of us deal with the shock of not having each other right there all at once, like ripping off a band aid?  I'm not sure.

I don't normally miss people, or things or places.  I am an out of site out of mind person.  I live in the moment and missing someone requires living in the past.  My oldest used to come home every other weekend during his first semester of college and then once a month the second semester.  Our relationship was less than stellar during his sophomore year of college so the fact that he didn't come home wasn't a big deal to me.  It made for peace in the house.  I adjusted quickly to not seeing his face every day.  Now that he's back and things between us are back to the incredible relationship we had before it makes me realize that things with my younger son will be fine.  But I'm realizing lately that he is my go to kid.  He's the one I ask to do everything for me or with me.  He's the first one to go out of his way to make my life easier.  He's the one that needs my advice and opinion the most.  He's the one that reminds me of how I used to be and how much I've changed.  He's the most like me in a lot of ways.  He's the one that knows what to say when I'm upset, or happy or stressed.  What am I going to do without him?  The thought of saying goodbye to him makes my heart ache.  I can't see the words I'm typing because the tears are streaming down my face.  I won't hear his keys in the door or his "Hi mommy, how's your day" when he comes through the door with his arms stretched out for a hug, with that smile on his face, no matter what kind of day he's having.  Our mommy/son dates that started out as his birthday present a few years ago and have become more frequent this past year....I'll miss those so much.  How will I be able to comfort him over the phone and calm him down when he's upset?  What if he tries to not bother me and I don't know he's upset because I can't see his face?  It's all part of the next phase of our lives, it will all be fine, this I know.  But that knot in my stomach is all of this and more.

We are all leaving behind a dozen years of our lives, not just physically but emotionally.  My oldest is so ready.  He will drive away from this place without looking back.  On the contrary, when we left New York HE was the one that was the most upset, so at least this time he'll be great.  My creme filling child will be the most emotional.  He's leaving behind his girlfriend, so many memories of baseball and school and his childhood.  College is a whole different world.  The home we will be living in will only be a pit stop for him for the next 4 years.  My daughter....well this is the only place she remembers.  She's ready for the new, but I know she will be upset too.  Me?  I'm ready!  When I'm done, I'm done.  I've said before that when I move on I don't look back.  I just wish I could stop feeling all of these emotions. I wish I could fast forward to when it's all settled and good. Especially, because the future is so bright I've gotta wear shades....it's just a day in the life.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Don't You Forget About Me....

I went to see the Breakfast Club last week....on the big screen.  Fabulous...I don't think I ever saw it on the big screen before.  One of my all time favorite movies.  It got me thinking about High School, and labels, and how you really don't know the struggles people carry within them until you get to know them.  I was, if I have to put a label on it, a loner in High School.  I always had one best friend and a boyfriend and that was enough for me.  It still is, if I'm being honest, only my best friend and my boyfriend are the same person finally.  With that being said there is always room for quality people in my life.

When I was in High School I remember feeling like no one really liked me very much.  Maybe because I didn't like myself very much or maybe because I was so self absorbed I thought everything was about me.   Maybe a bit of both.  But regardless I didn't have a good high school experience.  My high school years were okay, it was my time physically IN school that I didn't enjoy. Freshman and Sophomore year were fun but by the time I was a senior I left school at 10:45 am for the day. My friends were made at work, my part time job that was my high school and a place that I felt like I belonged! So, in a class of 1559 students (yes, that's one thousand five hundred and fifty nine)  I didn't get to know very many of them, and that was okay with me at the time.  I didn't keep in touch with ANYONE from High School.  I moved out of the area when I was 20 and I left that part of my life behind and didn't look back.

Through the years I ran into a few classmates.  My hairdresser was one of the most popular girls in school.  She and I became pretty close.  Our boys had play dates and she was very similar to me, she didn't really keep in touch with anyone from school.  I worked with another classmate in the early 90's.  In 1997 I moved back to the area and ran into a few more classmates, but never a lot. Fast forward 30 years and the face book days.  I reconnected with a few high school friends.  In 2010 I saw an elementary school/high school friend here in Arizona.  It was so good to reconnect with her.  I realized that even though we never really knew each other in high school she was an incredible person and I was so happy we reconnected.  We've kept in touch and have seen each other whenever she comes here or I go back to New York.  I asked her how she viewed herself in high school and she said, in one word....invisible.  Yes!  I related to that!  She's certainly not invisible now, she's reconnected with a lot of people from the class of 83 and she's such a kind, loving, fun and fantastic woman.

Reconnecting with her made me realize that some friendships are best left until later in life.  I also realized that growing up in the same neighborhood and attending elementary school together bonds you in a strange sort of way.  It was so nice to be able to mention a place and have her know exactly what I was talking about!  In 2015 I had the pleasure of seeing another elementary/high school friend here in Phoenix.  Her son was attending college here and I spent the day with her and her husband and her other son. She happens to be the same friend I worked with and ran into when I moved back to the area. It was like no time had passed.  And the great part is we didn't dwell on the past stuff we talked about our current lives.  Her family is beyond amazing, her husband made sure to get my son Yankee Tickets when we went to NY in May....just all good things.  I've gotten to see her a few more times both here and in New York and her sons (both live in Phoenix now) and I have had numerous fb conversations---she's a great mom to have raised such phenomenal sons-- I ADORE them!  What a waste that we never hung out in High School....I could have watched those boys grow up.  When I asked her how she described herself in high school she said "determined"...makes sense.  That one I'll agree with, and she still is!

Last winter I reconnected with another friend when I was in NY.  We had spoken via face book over the summer.  She helped me through my mom's death and we just developed a great friendship.  She has married a great guy that we went to High School with after years of friendship. While we had lunch I got to talk to another friend that I knew from my brother's hockey days.  Her hubby pulled some strings while my dad was in the hospital and it was just so nice to realize that it's never too late to discover what amazing people you went to high school with.  I asked her how she saw herself in high school and she said "serious, way too serious"  She's certainly has lifted that label, she's so much fun to be around and she has an incredible view on life!

Here's a real twist, I've reconnected with another classmate that I don't remember ever meeting in School.  She said we were in a business class together, I never paid attention to anything around me (don't tell anyone but I still don't ;) )  I'm moving this summer and I'll be about 40 minutes or so from her.  We've had several lengthy conversations.  We both lost parents to cancer in the last year and we've bonded over that as well.  During the week she was at her father's house when he passed she came across some old pictures from graduation.  Keep in mind there were 1559 people there.  She sent me one and said "Is this you?"  I was like ummmm yup.  Where the hell did you get that?  She sent me the whole picture.  She was sitting right next to me!!!!  What were the odds?  Our friendship was CLEARLY meant to be.  How she described herself?  A Floater....I identify with that too!  I still do!

Last week I got to reconnect with another classmate here in Phoenix.  She was here on a business conference and reached out to me to get together.  I was so happy!  And a bit shocked, I confessed to her that I didn't think she liked me very much in high school.  Truth is we did hang out in Middle School and in High School she became a Cheerleader.  I am pretty sure I let my assumptions of cheerleaders taint my view of her.  She was and is such a sweetheart!  We had a great dinner and bonded over our children and our faith and I felt like I met a new friend instead of reconnecting with an old one.

So, with all of my reunion stories I've learned 1 main thing....everyone has their own stuff.  Not just in High School, but in life! By looking at all of these ladies in High School it was easy to think they had it all together.  That they had happy home lives and easy friendships and relationships.  It was easy to think I was the only one with insecurities and that my intentions and thoughts were obvious to those around me.  I just assumed that people knew my thoughts and feelings without my speaking them.  How many times have you done that?  How many relationships were fractured because of that?  I can't count.  Or by snap judgements of someone?  Oh they're geeks, stuck up, weird, mean, out of my league - the list goes on. To think of the many magical moments I've missed out on by not being open to them.  Not gonna happen again.  I will look at people from the inside out and never assume to know what I haven't been told.  I had such an easy childhood.  I assumed everyone else's was the same.  There was no yelling in my home, my parents were deeply in love with one another, my siblings teased me, but loved me and took care of me always.  I thought everyone had that.  Honestly?  In all my dealings with people I have NEVER found anyone who had that.  If only I knew then what I know now......but I didn't.  So, the best I can do is carry this information forward and allow it to touch my relationships now.  After all....it's just a day in the life.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Love is all you need......

My last few posts have been confused and sad and just awful.  I barely hit post yesterday and everything turned around.  I had a conversation with the man who has changed my life....with the wave of his hand.  A few weeks ago when I first started feeling that sadness and frustration I told him that I needed to go within and find the answer...that God was telling me to fix it myself.  He disagreed (not gonna lie, it's rare...we pretty much agree on everything---always).  He said he thought God was trying to tell me to rely on us...on our love...on him.  It hit my heart and I knew he was right, but I was afraid to listen to it.

I'm writing this to show what happens when you don't listen to that voice...when you fight it because of fear, or disbelief that things can change, or that the guidance you are receiving is really guidance and not just your imagination.  If I had listened to him and to my intuition after he said it I could have saved myself two weeks of torture.  Yesterday I gave in to that knowledge and it all went away.  I feel like myself again and all it took was a wave of his hand and my allowing it to change me.

My friend Jill and I had a conversation about this the other day and she said to me "I find when people aren't moving forward in their lives they are removed from mine"....genius!  That's the answer!  That's why at times I have always felt the need to go within and shut down.  When I took the wall down there were always new people in my life and the people who were causing me to stress or didn't fit in my life were removed.  Sometimes people come back, sometimes they don't.  But I always felt like it was me, something was wrong with me.  But if I believe in positive drawing positive then Jill's statement made perfect sense.

But, for the first time in my life there is one person who I can't shut down from and I truly don't want to.  By fighting that it made me miserable.  Turning TO him instead of FROM him brought me right back to my joyful place.  The joy that he has brought to my life since the moment he said hello.  It sounds hokey...it sounds cliche....it sounds like make believe....but it's not.  It's real.  He proves it to me EVERY day.  The problem comes when I doubt. He is my safe haven.  He is the answer to every prayer I've ever uttered...and I need to realize that it's like nothing else I've ever experienced and believe it.

It's difficult because I have a few people that are close to me that just refuse to take the next step....or they are but like a snail.  They are in my life to teach me patience.  Patience in the fact that everyone takes those steps in their own time at their own pace.  Even if it's clear as day to me what they are being guided to do....it may not be clear to them.  I'm sure my Prince Charming felt that way when he told me I needed to rely on him..

Here's what I've learned....just when you think you have it all figured out and you've evolved as much as you think you can....that's when you will go up to the next level. I guess I felt like I was the happiest I'd ever been so I had succeeded, I got to where I needed to be.  I did it!  But, it's never done.  Life will give you new challenges and new guidance and new people and experiences.  If we stop growing, we die.  The good news is I'm here to tell you that you can always be happier....you can always love more, you can have more fun....just don't be afraid to take that next step.  Don't be afraid to believe that all your dreams CAN come true and don't hold back from taking the necessary steps to make it happen!

Sunday, June 5, 2016

I'm hot and I'm cold, I'm yes and I'm no......

This might be one of the entries that gets deleted at some point.  I don't like my ugliness in print, but I always strive to maybe help someone else who might be going through something similar and comes across this.  So be it.  I'm not all sunshine and roses, I have an ugly side too.

I'm sad lately.  Not like depressed sad, just heartbreaking sad.  My stomach has that pit in it and my heart feels broken.  I can't shake it.  I am really trying my best.  I'm trying everything that normally makes me feel better and it's not working.  I want to shut down away from everyone and everything, but no one seems to be letting me do that.  Maybe I'm not supposed to use that to fix things anymore, I don't know.  But I use it as self protection, because I don't like feeling this way.

I'ts 8 am and I've already had an argument with my 22 year old.  It's way too early in the morning to cry, it really is.  Especially when you went to sleep crying.  I'm sick of the tears, really, I'm sick of whining about these feelings I'm having.  THIS is why I shut down.  Because I don't like this side of me.  This side that isn't in check, that doesn't have the answers, that needs someone.  She's a hot mess.  I handle life pretty well on my own.  I have for as long as I can remember.  I used to be like my 22 year old and think I had all the answers.  I used to turn everything someone said around on them and make my point regardless.  Then I grew up.  I learned that my way isn't the only way and that everyone deserves to be heard and understood.  So I became a listener.  I became the person who everyone goes to because I don't judge.  I love that role.  I like helping others feel safe and understood.  My own opinions and feelings didn't need to be expressed because I learned that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought, they were my feelings and opinions and I stood by them. I learned not to argue about them or need to defend them.  It brought me a lot of peace.  But this past week I have had to argue and defend them 4 different times and I'm exhausted.  I don't like having to explain WHY I feel the way I feel.  What flipping difference does it make?  I'm not going to try to sway anyone to feel the same way.  They're my feelings and I don't expect anyone to get it.  But I've been pushed to explain myself this week and only 1 person really got it and got it quickly and we moved on without incident.  One person is now out of my life....for the 4th time.  I don't think I will be letting that door open again.  The other two, well they are two of the closest people in the world to me so it will work itself out, hopefully with minimal damage to the relationships.  But I'm left feeling like I just want to crawl up and cry for a week.

I've spent a great deal of my life swallowing my feelings.  I always felt like the other person was entitled and right and I was being difficult and was wrong.  I've been able to overcome A LOT of past crap but this particular thing I just can't overcome.  I STILL feel like that.  I always feel like I'm wrong.  I'm not sure how I went from that young girl who felt like her opinions and feelings were the ONLY one to this woman who thinks her feelings are wrong always.  I used to always be able to get my point across and have the other person understand, I just can't seem to do that anymore.  I feel selfish and petty and whiny when I express my needs.  I just never feel understood.  And If I do get my point across, at what cost?  I've been accused of being viscous, controlling, dumping whatever I'm upset about on the wrong person....I've worked SO HARD not to be or do any of those things and as soon as someone says those things to me I shut down.  Obviously I haven't learned anything if people still think that.   Obviously I'm not the evolved person I thought I was.

My son just came to me and said he was too exhausted to interrupt me so if I wanted to get my feelings out he would listen.  No thanks.  Not worth it.  I am really getting tired of seeking first to understand and then not being understood.  I'm tired of people uttering words and their actions not matching up.  I'm tired of feeling this anxiousness and nervousness and sadness that I've been carrying around the past 2 weeks.
 I've tried praying, meditating, listening to my inner guidance (great time to shut up guidance!) going out with a friend, taking a nap, making a to do list and sticking to it, spending time with my kids....everything that normally makes this feeling pass and none of it is working.  I've even tried putting up the wall that I normally put up to keep everything at bay while I heal my heart...I can't even do that.  So what's the answer?  How do I escape these awful feelings? I don't know.  I suppose with the extreme and utter joy and happiness I've had in the last 6 months it's only natural to experience the opposite side as well.  What goes up, must come down they say right?  Well at least I know this won't last forever.....it's just a day in the life.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

The answer lies within.....

At this moment in time I'm not sure I should be putting my thoughts on paper.  Mostly because they sound a bit like 2 different people.  Maybe because I am once again shedding a layer of who I used to be to become who I am supposed to be.   Usually when I get like this that is what is happening. I am being forced to change things about myself in order to become a better version.  Hopefully it will be quick and painless ....too late for that.  I've been crying for days, maybe weeks.  But, in the end it always works out the way it should.

My youngest son graduated high school last week.  It was a fantastic few days.  My family flew in from NY, my dad from Florida---my son (I believe) had a great weekend.  My brother and sister (as always) had my back.  Made sure that I didn't have any stress on me.  It was just a reminder of how much I do enjoy my family.  With that being said, it also was a reminder of how much I've changed since I've left New York.  My priorities aren't the same.  I don't stress over the things I used to.  I actually rarely stress at all.  I realized that it's so much more enjoyable to be with my family when we are anywhere but New York.

I also realized how isolated I am out here.  When my kids were in school in New York I was class mom, PTA president, Religion teacher blah blah blah.  I couldn't go to the gas station without running into someone I knew.  Here?  I don't know anyone.  I have very few acquaintances and fewer friends.  This is by choice.  I have changed so much in the last 12 years.  I don't let EVERYONE into my life.  (You're probably thinking, she writes a damn blog what the hell is she talking about?)  I keep my deepest thoughts and feelings to myself.  I have very few people I share them with.  My love.....my kids.....my sister......and there were a few close friends that see the real me.  The friends thing?  Yea, I'm realizing that doesn't last.  I have begun to keep things to myself so much that the friendships I am cultivating aren't deep.  I have trusted a few people that have hurt me by either throwing what I've told them in my face to prove a point, or by showing me that I am not a priority in their lives. Most people don't find the time for me.  I hear "Oh I miss you!  I need to see you!" but making the actual time?  doesn't always happen.

I have A LOT going on in my life right now.  I am usually pretty strong and can handle it on my own.  Actually, I'm always able to handle it on my own.  Lately though my thoughts and feelings have been so conflicted I just need to sort them out with someone who can help me figure it all out.  I've realized that no one is really available to me as much as I am to them.  I drop everything when someone needs me...calls me....texts me...If it is at ALL possible I will rearrange my schedule to make time for someone I care about.  In fact, if I can't I feel badly and guilty about it.  I realize my life is more flexible than most peoples, but in today's day and age, with technology at your fingertips there really is no excuse not to be there when someone really needs you, except that they aren't important enough.

I am not a needy person.  I'm not that friend who calls or texts just to whine or bitch all the time.  But sometimes, I need someone to be there for me the way I am for them.  That's when I realized that I DO have that person.  She's typing this right now.  God is deliberately keeping those I rely on away from me at the moment so that I learn to rely on myself again.  The person to help me figure out my shit is me!  I shouldn't rely on anyone else to listen or sort things out, I need to listen to myself.  Every time I've gone through this it's because I've ignored my intuition and looked outside of myself for the answers.  So, situations force me to turn within again for those answers and validation.  I heard the voice a few weeks ago telling me to figure it out on my own, and I didn't listen.  Then I found myself frustrated because no one seemed to understand what I needed.  But what I needed was to go within and shut myself off and spend time alone and figure it out.  At that first feeling of loneliness I become like someone drowning and reaching for that life raft.  I'm grasping for someone to save me from that feeling.  What I need to do is welcome it.  Embrace the loneliness and sadness and let it cleanse my soul of whatever needs to be erased.  Instead I immerse myself in busyness.  I find things to keep me busy, but ultimately the loneliness and sadness overcome me and I have to stop.  I have to go within and figure out how to make it stop and what needs to change in my life.  I have to let go and let God and realize I DON'T have all the answers and the things I thought I had figured out aren't necessarily right.  I can't do that if I don't face it.

There's a reason why my deepest thoughts and feelings aren't shared with everyone anymore.  I think I'm finally learning that.  Not everyone deserves a seat at my table of life and that's okay.  Because ultimately.....it's just a day in the life.