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Thursday, June 2, 2016

The answer lies within.....

At this moment in time I'm not sure I should be putting my thoughts on paper.  Mostly because they sound a bit like 2 different people.  Maybe because I am once again shedding a layer of who I used to be to become who I am supposed to be.   Usually when I get like this that is what is happening. I am being forced to change things about myself in order to become a better version.  Hopefully it will be quick and painless ....too late for that.  I've been crying for days, maybe weeks.  But, in the end it always works out the way it should.

My youngest son graduated high school last week.  It was a fantastic few days.  My family flew in from NY, my dad from Florida---my son (I believe) had a great weekend.  My brother and sister (as always) had my back.  Made sure that I didn't have any stress on me.  It was just a reminder of how much I do enjoy my family.  With that being said, it also was a reminder of how much I've changed since I've left New York.  My priorities aren't the same.  I don't stress over the things I used to.  I actually rarely stress at all.  I realized that it's so much more enjoyable to be with my family when we are anywhere but New York.

I also realized how isolated I am out here.  When my kids were in school in New York I was class mom, PTA president, Religion teacher blah blah blah.  I couldn't go to the gas station without running into someone I knew.  Here?  I don't know anyone.  I have very few acquaintances and fewer friends.  This is by choice.  I have changed so much in the last 12 years.  I don't let EVERYONE into my life.  (You're probably thinking, she writes a damn blog what the hell is she talking about?)  I keep my deepest thoughts and feelings to myself.  I have very few people I share them with.  My love.....my kids.....my sister......and there were a few close friends that see the real me.  The friends thing?  Yea, I'm realizing that doesn't last.  I have begun to keep things to myself so much that the friendships I am cultivating aren't deep.  I have trusted a few people that have hurt me by either throwing what I've told them in my face to prove a point, or by showing me that I am not a priority in their lives. Most people don't find the time for me.  I hear "Oh I miss you!  I need to see you!" but making the actual time?  doesn't always happen.

I have A LOT going on in my life right now.  I am usually pretty strong and can handle it on my own.  Actually, I'm always able to handle it on my own.  Lately though my thoughts and feelings have been so conflicted I just need to sort them out with someone who can help me figure it all out.  I've realized that no one is really available to me as much as I am to them.  I drop everything when someone needs me...calls me....texts me...If it is at ALL possible I will rearrange my schedule to make time for someone I care about.  In fact, if I can't I feel badly and guilty about it.  I realize my life is more flexible than most peoples, but in today's day and age, with technology at your fingertips there really is no excuse not to be there when someone really needs you, except that they aren't important enough.

I am not a needy person.  I'm not that friend who calls or texts just to whine or bitch all the time.  But sometimes, I need someone to be there for me the way I am for them.  That's when I realized that I DO have that person.  She's typing this right now.  God is deliberately keeping those I rely on away from me at the moment so that I learn to rely on myself again.  The person to help me figure out my shit is me!  I shouldn't rely on anyone else to listen or sort things out, I need to listen to myself.  Every time I've gone through this it's because I've ignored my intuition and looked outside of myself for the answers.  So, situations force me to turn within again for those answers and validation.  I heard the voice a few weeks ago telling me to figure it out on my own, and I didn't listen.  Then I found myself frustrated because no one seemed to understand what I needed.  But what I needed was to go within and shut myself off and spend time alone and figure it out.  At that first feeling of loneliness I become like someone drowning and reaching for that life raft.  I'm grasping for someone to save me from that feeling.  What I need to do is welcome it.  Embrace the loneliness and sadness and let it cleanse my soul of whatever needs to be erased.  Instead I immerse myself in busyness.  I find things to keep me busy, but ultimately the loneliness and sadness overcome me and I have to stop.  I have to go within and figure out how to make it stop and what needs to change in my life.  I have to let go and let God and realize I DON'T have all the answers and the things I thought I had figured out aren't necessarily right.  I can't do that if I don't face it.

There's a reason why my deepest thoughts and feelings aren't shared with everyone anymore.  I think I'm finally learning that.  Not everyone deserves a seat at my table of life and that's okay.  Because ultimately.....it's just a day in the life.
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