Welcome 2020

Here we are again....the end of the year, but this year it's the end of a decade!  My memory is fuzzy but this decade was jam packed for sure.  I started it with my oldest being 16 and ended it with my youngest being 16.  I got divorced, moved 3 times (once across the country), I discovered my connection to my angels and the spiritual realm, I went from being a stay at home mom to working for 2 different companies full time...those are just the basics.  I don't even recognize the woman I was 10 years ago...hell I don't recognize the woman I was 12 short months ago.  I began this year with so much hope and conviction of what would transpire during this year.  I am ending it with the knowledge that I don't know anything and that sometimes life is just what it is and you have to accept it.    In this decade there have been communions, confirmations, surgeries, engagements, graduations - high school and college, weddings, deaths and births, beginnings and endings, more than I can count.  My heart has been overflowing and it's been broken.  Has it been different than past decades?  I think so.  I think the events that transpired were harder than ever before.  I've become numb to things that would have destroyed me in the past.  I don't feel things as deeply as I have in the past---is that age?  Maybe.  But I think it is more about disappointment breaking down the ability to feel as deeply.  The fear of feeling utter joy and bliss because the pain of it being taken away is too devastating than never feeling that joy and bliss in the first place.  I am ending this decade in a place of acceptance.  Accepting life as it is and not expecting anything but what is.  If something good comes then I'm pleasantly surprised, if something bad happens I'm not shocked.  I know that it is all in God's hands at the end of the day and in His time.  That brings peace.  Joy is something I've traded for peace I suppose.  I'm not going to lie, I miss joy.  Even when I am at my happiest I am unable to feel joy.  I'm making that my mission in this next decade---to not let the fear of it being taken away to stop me from feeling joy.  Or maybe contentment is what you feel as you get older.  I look around and I see people just existing and I never wanted to be that person.  I never wanted to just allow life to pass by without truly embracing the wonderful moments.

Thanksgiving was a great day.  We enjoyed dinner and then went to Disney  World.  I had my kids all with me, everyone was getting along-  but I just didn't feel fully happy. I was standing in the kitchen looking at my family gathered around the table together, laughing and that woman who started the decade would have been bursting with joy.  My daughter turned 16 this month.  My sister flew in to surprise her and it was really a wonderful weekend.  I looked around the table when we were all laughing and truly enjoying being together, yet joy wouldn't come.  That's when I realized something was wrong.  That's when I realized that this decade really did kick my ass.  I vowed that I was going to change that.  I was going to find out how to get that joy back.  In fact, I decided I'm going to write a book about this very thing.  This can't be all there is---just existence. I don't want to believe it.  Yet that is where I'm at.

Well I took a break in writing this and this past weekend brought a situation back that has broken my heart in the past more than once.  I handled it like a robot.  I had absolutely no emotion.  I just went through the motions and stoically handled  it.  I called my sister to inform her of the situation and told her how I just didn't care anymore, that it didn't matter.  After a lengthy conversation she convinced me that I was blocking any feeling because I just could not allow it again.  I couldn't allow myself to feel the pain anymore. Shit.  As usual, she knows me pretty damn well and confirmed my earlier suspicions .  I went about my day and I slowly found myself remembering things that made me feel differently.  She was right.  I have blocked things that make me feel the pain and heartbreak of certain situations.  I have stopped hoping for better things on the horizon, I've stopped thinking that happy endings are guaranteed.  I am still a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and that God's plan is always unfolding, however I've given up thinking things will get better.  I do believe that whatever comes I will have the strength to deal with it.

I suppose what I need to decide as I enter this next decade is if being numb is better than feeling the good and the bad and all the emotions in between.  In this decade I have felt the happiest I had in my entire life and the most broken and sad as well.   I know I've written about this before and back then I decided that being numb was not the answer, because I would rather 5 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special (Thank you Shelby/Steel Magnolias).  I think I'd like to change my answer.  I'll take numb for $500 Alex.  I guess what the last decade has taught me is how to deal with everything life throws at me without getting wrapped around the axle about it.  I just treat it all like it's just a day in the life, because, after all----that's what it is.

You are so beautiful....to me

I've never been a dater.  I was always a relationship person.  I haven't had many relationships either.  That's just who I am.  When I fall in love it's serious to me.  I don't take it lightly.  I've also been lucky, I suppose, to always fall for men who were also relationship people.  I never had someone play with my heart purposely.  I guess that's saying a lot at almost 55 years old.  I have heard some truly horrible stories.

Being single is new to me.  I have always gone from one relationship to another.  Codependency was my middle name.  That's what this period of being single has been about---breaking that history of  codependent behavior.  Well, I've succeeded.  I've succeeded to the point where the thought of dating is so far from my radar it's not visible. I've been encouraged to put myself out there---not appealing.  Today, I was approached in, of all places, the grocery store.  He was a very sweet man.  We exchanged pleasantries and he expressed an interest in taking me to dinner and getting to know me better.  Very kind, cute and not creepy, which was a plus.  He asked for my number and when I hesitated he gave me his and told me to call him if I wanted that date.  Then he told me how beautiful I was.   It was very sincere too, in fact I don't think he meant to say it out loud honestly.   It was very flattering, I'm not going to lie.  I realized I have had a wall up and have been extremely unapproachable over the last nearly 30 years.  Like I said, when I'm in a relationship I am all in.

I replayed the conversation over in my mind and I realized that no one I've been involved with (except 1 person) used the term beautiful (wait... 2 but the 2nd one never used it the first time we dated and that's really when it counted) to describe me.  My looks were never what the men I was involved with seemed to care about.  I used to think it was because I was, in fact, not really beautiful and that I was lucky they "settled" for me and that my personality was enough.   I am now a much more secure woman and I realize that I was lucky, not that they "settled" for me but that they cared more about me as a person and my looks were just a bonus.  There was a time when I would have killed for my ex husband to say "You look beautiful!"  or "You are so pretty" but that didn't happen, ever.  It was after my divorce that I dated someone who could not get over how "beautiful" I was. Even when I was 13...and 15 and dated him for the first time.  Looking back?  That was the only thing he loved really.  He loved being with me because it made him feel worthy.  Yuck.  I didn't like that feeling at all.  However, being with him made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.  So, I thank him for that.  After ending that relationship I had a new found love for myself, a worthiness that I didn't have before.  And one that can't be taken from me and that isn't dependent on anyone else's approval.

I was talking to one of my confidants today after this experience and I told her what I just wrote.  She has had no less than 5 men reach out to her over social media this past month telling her that she was beautiful and wanting to get to know her (she is newly single for the first time as well).  We laughed saying there must be something in the air.  We also admitted that it can't be easy for a man to put himself out there like that (especially in person!) and we admired their bravery.  However, we both agreed that that is not how we want people to see us---just by what's on the outside.  We are both women who don't have "a type".  I have always been attracted to a man based on his personality, his sense of humor especially and his smile.  I would like to be appreciated for the same things.  My eyes have always been something that men have commented on---I get that.  I look at eyes too.  But, as I'm getting older, so are my eyes and they aren't what they used to be 👀😉so I'm hoping that isn't my only redeeming quality.

As a child my dad always commented on our beauty.  He used to sing a song to my sister about a beautiful girl.  When my daughter was little I would tell her all the time she was the most beautiful girl in the world.  That's because that's what *I* needed to hear, that's what I craved to hear.  Well, luckily, it worked because she doesn't give a rat's ass if someone tells her she's beautiful--she damn well knows she is.  She's heard it her whole life.  She is confident in a way I never was.  I will be curious to see what she wants her significant other to appreciate in her.

I guess the morale of this story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....and this beholder finally sees hers  inside and out....because today was truly a day in the life.

They say old lovers can be good friends.....

Life just continues to twist and change.  When I first got divorced I didn't want to be in the same room as my ex husband.  It was weird and awkward and I needed to be away from him permanently.  I wanted him to have a relationship with our children that did not include me.  That did not happen.  He still tried to include me in every conversation/meeting/purchase that he made for them.  It was so frustrating to me that I just detached completely from him.  This was not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to be cordial and have an amicable divorce.  When people would see us together at events they were shocked by how well we got along.  Sure, because it didn't matter to me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything from him but to be a father to our children.  I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore.  I had laid down my sword, so to speak.

We had a really bad patch for about 10 months where we didn't speak and it was vicious.  Things happened that I never thought would, he did things I never thought he would.  He was being influenced by people close to him that really didn't like me.  One of them our oldest son.  We got through that phase and slowly began to be friends again.  I have reached out to him a few times since he moved to Florida and he's been there for me and I am grateful.  He mentioned he had no where to go for Thanksgiving and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were going to Disney but he was welcome to come for dinner at noon.  My kids were shocked.  My sons have made peace with him and have created their own unique relationship with him.  My daughter, well she wants nothing to do with him and was less than thrilled but was accepting of it.  This week I had a huge issue with my car and I reached out to him for help.  Via text he said something that made me say wow.  you know me pretty well --- he could tell in a 4 word text that I was losing my shit.  He said obviously he did. 

He was here a week or so ago and we sat down to talk when he brought our son home.  Something came up and made us remember a trip to Disneyland when the kids were younger and he reenacted it and we were literally laughing until we cried.  My oldest and youngest looked at each other with bewildered faces.  They had no memory of what we were talking about.  It was so strange because it was like reminiscing with an old friend.  I truly forget that we were married for 23 years.  I look at him and it's like he's just someone I've known forever.  There is a comfort level there that makes certain things so easy.  We discussed Christmas and we still work like a well oiled machine when it comes to the kids.  He remembers all of those Christmases that we played Santa and I don't have to explain it.  He used to buy the kids and me an ornament every Thanksgiving to go with the Nutcracker, Snowman and Angel/Snow globe that I gave the kids.  Well the other day a box came in the mail and inside were wrapped ornaments with all of our names on them.  It was thoughtful things like that that kept me married to him for as long as I was.  He is a good person.  He means well.  He just isn't my person.  And he's not the father I thought he would have been----he's always taken care of the kids financially, but emotionally?  The relationship just isn't there.  It's sad.  Especially with my daughter---she is just perfection, she truly is.  And he doesn't know her----AT all.  And I don't know that she will ever give him a chance if he asked for it.  It's a gift to know her, truly a gift if she lets you in....and unfortunately the men that she did let in have let her down.  She's stronger for it.  She's fiercely independent and she's starting to explore the relationship world.  She's got her shit together.  Thank God.  She's got a balance of kindness and assertiveness, of compassion and no bullshit....Thankfully.

So, tomorrow....the five of us and my lovely daughter in law will have Thanksgiving dinner together for the first time in 7 years.  Will it become tradition?  I don't think so.  But I just couldn't let him be alone when there was no reason for it.  My sons will be able to watch football with their father and even though it doesn't matter to them it matters to me.  He has given me the 3 things I'm the most thankful for.  And for that I will always be grateful.

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓

Happy 85th Birthday in Heaven Mommy (your 5th one!)

Happy Birthday mommy!  It's strange, now that Richie calls me woman I don't feel right calling you that anymore.  When I think of you I feel like a child again and mommy seems right.  I hope everyone is giving you a huge party and celebrating you in Heaven.  I miss you so very much it's hard to even comprehend it.   When you first passed I really didn't understand how people could say they missed their loved ones every day and that it got worse as time passed.  I thought, well.....I didn't physically live in the same place as my mom for decades, nor did I speak to her every day, so really what is going to change?  Well, I'm here to say....A LOT!  Knowing that I can't pick up the phone whenever I want and hear your sweet responses to my rant of the day is so much harder than I imagined.  Now, as my children are becoming adults I resonate with you on a whole different level,

I understand now how my calls to you to spill whatever was going on in my life in my mind was me calling a friend, someone who I could trust and who knew me.  Now I realize, as a mother, every time I was hurting and felt better after hanging up with you----you carried that pain.  You thought constantly about what you could do and how powerless you felt when you realized the answer was---not a damn thing.  What you didn't know was that I didn't need you to fix anything---I just needed my mommy.

I understand now how you got tired of doing everything for everyone else.  Like when I would ask you to make me a sandwich because it tasted better when you made it.   I am happy that as time passed I was able to return the favor and make some of your favorites.  Just because you were my mom didn't mean you weren't a person.  I'm sorry for not realizing that until I was way older than I should have been.

I understand now why you were so afraid of getting attached to Richie when he was a baby because you had to leave.  I never knew the pain of missing someone you love so badly that you truly feel that your heart is being ripped from your chest. It's not just painful when someone dies it's just as painful when that person is alive yet you can't see them or be with them.

I understand why you would be quiet when we were all together.  I used to get so annoyed, like your children and grandchildren are all together why aren't you over the moon?  It's because you didn't feel comfortable with our topics, your knowledge of them practically non existent and your fear of being laughed at kept you silent.  I get it now mom.  And I'm sorry I wasn't more patient.

I understand why you never took sides when one of us would come to you with a complaint about the others.  You loved us all and even if you understood where we were coming from, the pain of watching your children do anything but love each other and get along was just too much.  And you also knew that we each had our own sense of reality and somewhere in the middle was the truth.  I get it now.

I understood why you didn't share your feelings and personality with everyone.  You were so selective and I feel so incredibly blessed to know that there are things you shared with me that you never shared with anyone---even Daddy.  I get it mommy.  I've actually become very selective myself.  I know---shocking, but I'm there.  I see so much of you in me now.  All the good. I wish you were here to see it....to be part of it.  We would be even closer.  I know you're with me always.

I truly wish you were here to get to know Emeline.  She still loves that you called her that.  She is....beyond words Mom.  She is the best of you and of me and she's everything that we were not.  She's strong and confident and comfortable in her own skin.  She's just so beautiful mom, inside and out.   You would just cherish every moment with her.  There is so much you could have taught her if you had the chance.

I wish you could have met McKenna.  You would have loved her.  Daniel Boone is everything you always knew he would be.  You saw in him what I couldn't when he was younger and a bullumeister (I have no idea how to spell it).  You would just be so proud of him.  He's really incredible.  I know he wishes he could talk to you -there is so much inside of him that needs his Yaya.

I wish I could say I wish you were here to see Richie evolve, but I know his journey would break your heart in a million pieces.  He identifies with you and relates to you in a whole other way now mommy.  I hope he talks to you and I know you're trying to help him through this lifetime.  It must make you happy that he embraces his German heritage so strongly now.  Please stay with him always.

I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me, you always were.  I'm confident that you would hurt for me in the areas of life that didn't turn out exactly how we'd hoped.  For that, I'm relieved you're not here to witness it first hand.  But, I know you'd be proud of how I always pick myself up and carry on as always, with my head high and a smile on my face.  I learned that from you.  Even though you didn't think you were strong-----I learned it ALL from you!!!  You were stronger than any of us ever realized.  You were the perfect blend of loving and giving yet strong and brave.

I wish you could see how very much you are missed.  My kids talk about you at least once a day.  We see things that make us think of you and we laugh at how you'd react to it.  You live on in each one of us.  And each of us is growing.....by this time next year you'll have three great grandbabies.  I know you're rocking 2 of them right now until it's time for them to be born.

I love you mom.  Happy Birthday!!!!  Make a wish xoxoxo

Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.

That God blessed the Broken road....

Sometimes Faith is difficult.  Having faith requires knowing and believing everything is working out in your favor even though you can't see it.  I have unwavering faith.  Faith that everything will be fine.  However, fine is not always giving me what I want.  And I want things to be fine....but I want what I want and what I believe in my heart is best and what is going to be.  That's where the wobble comes in.  Faith requires us to know that no matter what is happening it is for our highest good and the highest good for everyone involved.  Fear, for me, comes when I have faith but I'm not sure that the good that's coming is going to get to me where I want it to, the way I want it to and in the time I want it to.  Sound familiar?  Here is how I get through that...

Having lunch with my son the other day and we were discussing pretty much everything and anything.  We got to the topic of not seeing how certain situations would change.  My son, in his infinite wisdom (he totally gets that from me 😉) tells me to look at the last 4 years alone.  Would we have ever seen us moving to Florida, him quitting baseball, moving to North Carolina, then back here to Florida etc?  No.  Never.  And today on my face book memories it was funny because in 2015 I was in Florida visiting my dad and saying I missed Arizona because of the humidity and rain here.  Then in 2016 I arrived in Florida to my new home, 2017 showed my kids and daughter in law in the pool and my heart was happy but missing my oldest who was estranged and living in New Jersey , 2018 showed me missing my middle son because he was in NC....and now?  We are all in the same place again with completely different lives then we ever pictured even a year ago.  Had I known in 2015 what the next four years would bring in order to get to now?  I would have been crawled up in a corner sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy.  It was a TOUGH road.  But this is where we need to be and all of that needed to take place to get here.  So, sometimes when God isn't showing you the answers to your prayers or a clear vision of what is to come it is to protect you, and to allow you to be open to the path leading to the destination you're wanting. Sometimes it is so that you don't resist what it's going to take to get you there.  Or that you don't sit back and just wait for the destination and miss the lessons along the way.

Basically, whenever I feel worried, or fearful that things aren't going as planned I look back and see the reasons why things happened as they did.  It's usually pretty crystal clear.  And that knowledge helps me have faith that right now is no different.  So the moral of the story is....have faith....and hope...and trust that the road ahead might not be smooth or paved with gold, but it will lead you to where you need to be. God Bless The long and winding road....

I got the news today oh boy....

10 years ago we got nearly the worst news a family could get.  My then 10 year old got the diagnosis of Lymphoma.  We started the testing a month before and I knew in my gut that it was cancer, even though my brain couldn't believe it.  I don't remember that day often.  But every year on the 2nd of July my son and I share a moment.  It's like a knowing glance.  Sometimes we talk about it, sometimes we don't.  A few weeks ago we were all at the movies together and he says so are you free for lunch on the 2nd?  I said "Did we make plans?"  He says "It's 10 years mom"  I said I know very well what it is honey.  I just didn't remember if we had plans".  How could I forget that day?  I don't remember a lot of it but I remember the moment of the diagnosis.  Danny was sitting on the examination table and his little legs were hanging off the table swinging and Dr. Williams came in.  The first time we met him and he had to deliver this news.  He's over 6 feet tall but he got up on that table and let his legs dangle and swing along with him.  He gave us the news. There was a nurse and Danny's father in the room, if I recall, along with us.  But in my mind...at that moment...it was just my son and me.  Danny and I looked at each other, took a deep breath and I said, okay when do we start?  Dr. Williams was a bit taken back that it was taken so well.  He said, well we could start today if you wanted.  We looked at each other again and said "Let's do it".  And it began.  We drove the hour back home, packed what we needed for our first overnight hospital stay and began the soon to be familiar trip back to the Hospital.  Thinking back, I don't even remember telling my other children that their brother had cancer.  This day began a world that only included Danny and me.  Everything else was a distraction, truth be told. Of course I always worried about my other two children left at home but more about them being okay, I never really thought about what this diagnosis meant to them ---selfish really.  It was all about  Danny and me.  And still to this day, this time, this part of his life is still just ours.  No one else can begin to understand and they weren't there to experience every moment.  It was just the two of us.  It would be the first time Danny and I would be away alone together and truth be told I think he was a little excited.  He really was happy once we got settled.  He felt like it was a hotel stay (that drastically changed going forward). This was a quick treatment we were supposed to be out by early afternoon the next day.  Well the Dr. on call was nervous letting us go so we didn't get out until very late the next day.  And it began....the journey that changed my son forever, changed me forever and changed our relationship forever.

It's interesting that I don't recall the exact date we got an all clear that the chemo had worked.  If I'm guessing it's November 8th.  Strange isn't it?  That we celebrate the date of the diagnosis and not the cure.  I guess because once he was diagnosed it didn't ever cross our minds that the ending wouldn't be a happy one.  It also began the bond that my son and I share that no one else does.  It seems a bit narcissistic maybe that we feel that way.  But, oh well, it's the way it is.  If you were there and supported us during cancer you get a free pass for a lot of other stuff.  That time is in a snow globe of sorts....what happened before and what happened after can't touch it.  He often says he's grateful for this diagnosis, that it made him a different person.  I can't disagree.  His determination, his strength, his drive, his devotion, his kindness, his loyalty,  his passion.....was all built and fueled on this period in life.  The man he is today (an outstanding, incredible, charismatic, successful man) was built on this day 10 years ago.  I hope this all makes sense because quite honestly I'm crying so hard I can't see the keyboard and my heart is in my throat.

I wrote a book about Danny's battle with cancer and my perspective on it.  http://www.lulu.com/shop/tina-marie/beyond-the-immediate/paperback/product-21742888.html .  Here's the link if you want to check it out.  I started to read it the other day and I just couldn't do it.  Maybe because, as my brother says ,I'm no author or maybe because the feelings are buried and bringing them up again is just too painful.  Danny asked me this morning if I had any pictures of us together when he was sick.  I thought about it and realized I didn't.  He said, "I guess we weren't really thinking about taking selfies, huh?"  So I asked the family photographer, my sister and viola.  Here they are.  Then and now.....my heart is so full right now.  What a decade it's been.  He graduated high school, we moved to Florida, he bought his first new car, got his Associates Degree,  moved to North Carolina, he got married, moved back to Florida, started his career in real estate  https://dhosek.watsonrealtycorp.com/, and is one semester out from finishing his bachelors degree.  Those are the pivotal moments.  I left out his parents divorce, major shoulder surgery, 2015 as a whole, deciding to walk away from his college baseball career, 2 hurricane evacuations and some other not so easy ones.

But today, we celebrate.  What a difference 10 years makes.  My son is now a healthy, nearly 21 year old married man. Our relationship has evolved over the years but we have a bond that most people will never understand.  This day changed everything 10 years ago.  It was the beginning of a decade of hell truth be told.  My son often says our ten years of hell is almost over.  I think he's right.  We've been through more in this last 10 years than some families go through in a lifetime. We are proof that good things can come from the worst possible things.   And that sometimes.....it's NOT just a day in the life.....it's so much more.

If you were falling Then I would catch you You need a light I'd find a match

I've realized I have a very bad habit of assuming the worst.  About people and situations.  I am an optimistic person.  I can be heard saying ALL the time:  Don't worry, give it to God and it will be fine.  He already knows the outcome.  And I BELIEVE it!  I live my life that way.  Throughout my life though I have been known to assume that someone doesn't care about me, or that I'm not important to them as soon as something comes up that goes against the way that I show love.  In a conversation with my son I realized he does the same thing and in trying to help him to avoid the pitfalls of this syndrome I learned somethings about myself.  I have been doing research and trying desperately to find a way to STOP assuming the worst of people.  I know people who do this with strangers.  If someone cuts in line at the grocery store people take it as something personal.  It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person.  They aren't deliberately trying to annoy you/ruin your day.  You're not that important!  I overcame this one a long time ago.  After reading the Four Agreements I also learned that other people's opinion of you is none of your business.  You can't change it so let it be.  So why do I assume those closest to me don't necessarily love me the way I love them?  Or that I'm not as important to them as they are to me?  This has been my mission lately....to figure this out!  I need to FIX this.  I've asked quite a few people who know me pretty well why I do this.  No one seems to be able to figure it out.  I've been told it's because I'm a controlling person.....well maybe when this person knew me best I was but that chick is long gone.  I have absolutely no desire to control anyone or anything anymore.  What's the point?  It's all in God's hands anyway.  This same person also sent me a video about the husband store----basically insinuating that women are impossible to please.  REALLY?  I said.  I have settled for FAR less than I deserve and you've told me that yourself!  NEXT!

A few weeks ago my bestie and I were discussing we can only imagine what we've been shown.  She was discussing that she can't imagine a love like one I've described because she's never seen it herself.  Love to her can only look the way she's been shown.  Well, this morning it hit me!  That's why I automatically go to a negative place when things don't look the way I want them to.  Because in the past I've been shown that I'm not important.  I've been shown that other things are more of a priority than I am.  I've been shown that people change with time and consistency isn't real.  I realized this goes back to my childhood (which I have realized lately was extremely pristine and idyllic compared to most!) and what I perceived about myself and the love I received.

Cleaning, cooking, the way things looked and my father were the most important things to my mother.  Work, providing, the way things looked and my mother were the most important things to my dad.  In my life they were the most important things to me----so you see how it started.  I felt that I loved them and prioritized them way more than they did to me.  Was it true?  Who the hell knows, but perception is reality.  So....my entire life I have chased that love that I gave away so freely.  I wanted to be first in someone's world.  No matter what.  So....I gave that.  I gave that to whoever was in my world.  My friends, my boyfriends, my bosses.  I gave my very best to everything.  I didn't always receive it back.  And the minute I felt like I wasn't a priority or that the scales tipped I went to the worst case scenario.  They didn't want my friendship, they were falling out of love with me, I was going to get fired. (for the record----I've never had a friend walk away from me....I've only had 1 boyfriend break up with me when I was 16 and he came back a month later...and I've never been fired) So why this assumption?!?!?!?  I have NO idea.  It is driving me mad, actually.  I try very hard to fix myself and work on any issues I have.  But this one?  I can't fix....but I'm getting closer.  While my thoughts still go directly to the negative I talk myself out of it super quickly now.  BUT I want to stop thinking it right away!  I know the frustration it has caused to the people that truly love me completely.  It makes them feel like they can't win....that I expect perfection.  I don't.  I guess I just don't believe that anyone could love me as deeply as I love them.  That anyone could think about me as much as I think about them.  That anyone could prioritize me as I prioritize them.  As if I have the market cornered on that....why?  I wish I knew.  I used to think it was a self worth issue, like I didn't feel worthy of love and being a priority.  But I know that's not the case.  I've realized I'm a pretty cool chick and definitely worthy of being someone's number 1 😏.  Is it a superiority complex?  Like I love better than anyone else?  Seems unlikely but maybe.  Do I expect too much?  That's what I've been told my whole life.  My expectations are too high.  Maybe that's it.  But is it wrong to expect to receive what I give?  If I can achieve it, is it wrong to want it back?  Maybe.  But just because someone doesn't show it the same way that I do doesn't make it wrong.

You have just witnessed what goes on in my head on the daily.  I always come back to the other person's point of view.  Always defending and trying to understand why someone is letting me down basically.  But maybe they're giving everything they have at the moment and I need to accept that.  No one demands the depth of what I give to them.  No one in my life demands more from me than what I give.  Is that because I give more than people are used to receiving?  Most likely.  So what is the answer?  How do I not assume people love me less or want me in their life less if they don't show things the way that I do?  I guess constant self talk to get myself out of this habit.  Or maybe at some point I'll find a way to balance out the love I give.  Maybe I'll take my cue from others and relearn the way I love.  Or maybe I'll just figure out a way to stop thinking about it or letting it get to me.  Time changes things and heals things and time is going by so quickly that maybe this is on it's way out.  Somehow it will work itself out because basically it's just a day in the life.

If you could read my mind now.....just like a paperback novel

In the past 48 hours I've had conversations with my sons that have really upset me.  I've come to a point in my life where I am ready to be more than a mom.  I'm ready to be that supporting cast in the movie of their individual lives and for them to be that in mine.  It's not always easy, because they do still rely on me quite a bit.  It's also not easy because I do still want us all to remain close.  I want the three of them to have that connection with me and with each other forever.  So, as with anything else in life, I'm searching for balance.  I have pretty much removed anyone in my life that doesn't bring positivity.  I only have relationships with people that are like minded.  Do I have to deal with people that aren't?  Of course, I don't live in a cave!  But the only people I give MY energy and MY attention to and the only people who get a front row seat or starring role in the movie of my life are carefully chosen.  Last weekend I healed two very important past relationships in my life with two very important conversations. I got the closure that I needed to give my heart peace and I can now go forward without having animosity or anything other than friendship.  It was a huge turning point for my future.  My sister mentioned how my past always comes back to me and I realized it's because I still had lessons to learn from those relationships.

One of these was with my ex husband.  We have been cordial for 80% of our divorce.  I just really didn't want a friendship with him.  I wanted to avoid contact with him as much as possible.  Something shifted in our situation in the last month or so.  I found myself calling him last weekend to check up on him and to talk to someone who gets me. We had an incredible conversation where he actually gave me some really great advice.  I think, for him, he is at peace and happy for the first time in a long time...maybe ever.  He's found his "niche".  I'm truly happy for him, it's a blessing to see.  I was telling him about some frustrations I've been having and how I wasn't at peace and I wasn't happy and he told me I needed to take time for me.  I needed to walk around the lake by my house, or go to the pool and do something for me every day.  So, I took his advice.  Of course when I went for the walk I saw the alligator coming out of the water and I thought...hmmmm was this his plan all along? 😉I thanked him for truly always being there for me at my darkest times.  We grew up together and although I know that our soul purpose of the journey we took was so that our 3 children could be born and nothing else, it is nice to have someone who knows me so completely and has nothing to gain or lose in this relationship and who wants nothing more than to have a peaceful friendship.

This brings me back to my conversations with my sons...I digress but there's a point to it.  Their father and I devoted ourselves completely to our children.  My ex was a detached spectator for the most part, but he has ALWAYS done whatever needed to be done to make sure the kids got whatever they wanted.  He allowed me to give them whatever they needed.  Because of choices we made I was able to stay home with my kids and devote myself to them.  My oldest son has said for nearly 10 years that he didn't want to bring kids into this world.  That hurt me, but I got it.  My younger son told me the other day that he didn't know if he wanted kids because they require so much.  He said "look at you, you're still taking care of us, I don't think I want that".  He was half joking (and I know he will go on to have a family...it's a newlywed thing for him I think).  I told my oldest son about this conversation this morning and he said "He's not wrong Ma....I wouldn't want your job!"  That hurt me so deeply.  I have always shown my kids what joy it brings me to be their mother.  Those aren't just words, that's my way of life.  They were my purpose for many years....they are my legacy and my mark on the world.  And that's how they see it?

My aunt passed away this week.  She was the only Aunt I had left, my dad's only sibling left.  I look at her life as such a success.  She had 4 children.  They all still went to her house on Sunday's for lunch/dinner.  She had 10 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren and 1 on the way.  What an amazing legacy.  They are all devastated that she's gone.  They have incredible memories of her.  Hell, our whole family has many memories of Christmas eve at her house, tons of Baptisms, showers, Easter dinners, the list goes on.  I wondered how my children will remember me and then I had these conversations with them and I'm not gonna lie it shook me.

My oldest son has a lot of negative memories from childhood.  He feels that he was bullied and even though he doesn't outwardly blame me for it (as he did for the last 10 years) I know he still feels it a bit.  It's part of being a parent, I know.  It's my need to do things perfectly in order to be happy (which I'm venturing away from) that causes my sadness about this.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  There's no such thing as a perfect partner.  There's no such thing as a perfect person.  I know this.  I still struggle to be what everyone needs while not losing myself in the process.  Hell for most of my life I didn't even know who I was.  But now that I've found her I'm determined to make sure that she doesn't get lost again.  But there will be bumps along the way.  I guess I need to not be so worried about disappointing those I love (since I seem to do that no matter what at times) and worry about not disappointing myself.  She's worked her ass off to become the person she is today and she deserves better.  She deserves the effort she gives everyone else.  She deserves everything she's ever wanted.  She's earned that right.  So I will protect her, the way I protect everyone else I love.  And she will finally be first in someone's life.....her own.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.....

We are family....And we fly just like birds of a feather I will tell no lie

What a difference a week makes.  Last week we were celebrating my niece's wedding.... This week family reunion with my ex husband.  Polar opposite experiences.  My kids haven't seen their father since October at my son's wedding.  My oldest saw him for an hour on Christmas but that's about it.  They all have different levels of interaction with him on a text/phone call level.  I don't ask about it so unless they mention anything I'm not aware.  I know my daughter has no interaction at all with him and my sons are grown men their relationship with their Dad has nothing to do with me.... except for days like this.  My ex is a very persistent man when he makes up his mind.  In this situation he had it in his head to bring Chinese food over and spend the day with the kids....at my house....with me. Sigh.  My daughter wants nothing to do with him so that makes it really awkward. I don't care if he's here honestly.  It doesn't bother me.  I feel sympathy for him even though I shouldn't.  We've been divorced for 7 years and he's seen the kids  less than 50 times..... Yes you read that right.  Even when we lived 5 minutes away for the first 4 And a half years.  He never saw where my sons went to college.  He's never been to my daughter's school.  He was respecting their wishes you could say.  I'm not trying to villainize my ex.  He's financially taken care of his children above and beyond what he needs to... He is there for me whenever I need him.... He's not a bad man. I've told my kids their whole lives that he does the best he can.  To my daughter it's not enough.  He's a stranger to her. My sons are developing some form of relationship with him on their terms. This weekend?  Was not on their terms.  Their Dad was being persistent and they were getting frustrated trying to appease him and not make me spend the day with him and not upset their sister. So I took one for the team.  It was fine.  He arrived while my kids were either working or still sleeping. As they woke up and came home from work we gathered around the table to eat..  I removed myself for a bit while he talked to our sons and the girls watched a movie in the other room.  When he left the 5 of us gathered around the island in the kitchen and took a deep breath.  We're all big on energy and how people's energy affects a room.  We realize how much we rely on the Happy positive energy we have in this house. They remarked how it was like having their crazy Uncle visit rather then their Dad.  That's when it got me... why I feel sorry for my ex. Not only did he lose me... which  he regrets... He has no idea who our children are as human beings.   He knows nothing about them.  His conversations with them are mere cliche/catch phrase conversations and sound bites. Wow.  That hurts my heart. He got our daughter in laws name right at least my daughter joked.  These moments... gathered around the island in the kitchen have become a Friday and Saturday night staple in our home. And I know my son and daughter in law will be back in their own place soon and it won't be as frequent.... But these are the moments that bond us tighter.  We have deep... meaningful... life changing conversations with each other....I can't imagine my life without these. While in NY last week we noticed that there is always background noise..a TV on... Music... not in my house.  My sister commented last week that my kids and I are always talking to each other... that she's  never seen a family talk as much as we do.  I can't imagine it any other way.  Communication is the key to closeness and truly knowing someone.  I pray to God we always remain connected this way....I thank God for my daughter in law and her ability to embrace it and become part of it so easily. I pray that when we add additional members that they embrace it as well.... because this is my legacy... my purpose.... and so much more then just a day in the life....

White lace and promises....a kiss for luck and we're on our way

I was just in New York for my niece's wedding.  My son got married in October and it's such a blessing for us to have such incredible celebrations so close together.  We just keep adding members and it's true that there's strength in numbers.  It was an incredible day.... perfect from beginning to end. It was the first time my daughter in law met my extended family (cousins... second cousins... my sister in laws amazing family and their friends that are family).  For me it feels like being home.  Even though we only see each other every few years it feels like we've never been separated.

Watching my kids with their cousins now that they're all grown is truly magical.  They're friends now in addition to family.  They love being together and it makes me sad that it doesn't happen more often.   To be honest even if we all lived in the same place our lives wouldn't allow it all the time anyway, and maybe the rarity adds to the magic of it.  

Hearing my niece say her vows I was overwhelmed with a flood of memories long forgotten.  She was a breathtakingly beautiful bride.... her beauty however begins inside.  She's always had a heart of gold and to see her at this point at her life....a beautiful home... an equally amazing man by her side.... nothing but happiness ahead of them.... it brought me to tears.  She is so deserving of every moment of it.   I have a tendency to forget bad times....I focus on the good.... but her path wasn't an easy one.    And she's a true testament to what my family is about. We're strong.... we have faith beyond measure and we count our blessings even when things are less then happy.

My brother and sister in law have raised amazing humans.  It seems so long ago that we spent nearly every weekend together when their oldest two were small.  My oldest was a few weeks old when he experienced his first little league game for his cousins.  We moved away when my daughter was a mere year old.... you would never know it. Her cousins are among the few people she lets into her bubble.  I really can't stop the tears from flowing right now, reliving the memories of this weekend.  When I see my middle and my youngest interact I'm reminded so often of my relationship with my brother (also the middle and youngest).  We were always connected in a way that most don't get. A mere glance in the other's direction or a simple phrase can make us burst into side splitting laughter. Watching him "give his daughter away" was so emotional for me.  He's a great dad.  My beautiful sister in law (looking more like the sister of the bride than the mother) has been a shoulder for me during this time of "letting go" helping me navigate the waters she's tested before me.  These are the moments we wait for.... the moments we cherish.... watching them become the adults we hoped they'd be and yet always return to the nucleus of our family..... How blessed we are.  Family after all is where life begins and love never ends and I'm so blessed with the one I've got.  

Not all who wander are lost....but some who don't wander are....

Lost.  I'm lost these days.  I don't wander.  I'm never far from home.  I stay close to those I love and I don't stray from who I am.  The problem is my soul is restless.  It is lost at the current moment.  I cannot focus or find joy for more than a moment at a time.  This is not me. This is not even remotely anything like me.....actually, it reminds me of the me from a long long time ago....before I was awakened.... Even in moments when I would normally feel happy and I AM on the outside, my soul is not.  My soul is longing for something and it will not rest.  Anyone who knows me knows all I've ever wanted is happiness and peace in my soul and for those I love.  I had it for a while.   Even though outside it seemed my world was chaotic and crazy and crumbling.....my soul was at peace, I knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay.  I still know that everything will be okay, but I'm not certain how that okay looks....and I'm tired.  My soul is tired of waiting for that peace and joy to return.  It is frustrated because no matter how I spin it or try to find the blessings in my current situation and focus on the gratitude for all the good things I have in my life (there are SO many!) my soul is lost.

My kids and I have been hitting Disney World on Fridays since the New Year.  We have had SO much fun and I've loved the time together...but while I'm there it's like I'm not.  It's like my soul is watching my physical self laugh and joke and make memories, but my soul isn't present in my body.  I know a lot of people will read this and think I'm not making any sense.  That's ok.  I just needed to get it out.  I feel like I am two people.  I'm angry.  I want to be happy.  I want to embrace these moments.  But I'm not fully in it.  Some might say I'm depressed....I have been depressed before, this is not it.  This is some kind of soul expansion or huge shift in my life.  I'm going to be 54 years old in a few days....how many more shifts and changes do I have to go through?  At the moment I feel like I just want to turn it all off.  My feelings, my thoughts, my awareness....my intuition.  The signs I get mean nothing anymore.  It's hard for me to admit that, but I've lost hope.  I feel like it's all been a huge trick.  Dangling a carrot in front of me, promising this extraordinary life that I've had glimpses of.  But what if this is it?  What if this is all there is?  Most people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  For my kids alone.  I have given birth to three incredible, loving, devoted, brilliant, amazing human beings and they are so so good to me.  Normally, in the past that was always enough for me.  That alone gave me joy and peace.  I want more.  I need more. I feel like Belle in the beginning of Beauty and the Beast when she sings "Belle".  My soul is looking for something and I don't know how to fix it.

My first born and I discuss spiritual things every day.  He is so knowledgeable about the planets and how it affects us.  Our birth charts, the list goes on.  Normally I love listening to his take on it....today I just asked him to please let me just rest and take care of myself without trying to make sense of it.  It was hurting my brain to try to comprehend.  All I know at the moment is that I'm lost.  I will be found again, I know that.  I will survive, I always do.  But I am not sure my soul is going to sing the way it has in the past for a very long time and that makes me so sad.  I miss that feeling....that excited, joyful feeling.  I know it will pass.  I know I'll feel better.  But right now it feels like this has been building up and I've been fighting it for so long.  I surrender.  I give up.  I will learn to adjust to this feeling if I have to.  When it's time my soul will sing again, a new tune, a different song....I hope that I will learn to accept the new song and allow it to light up my life again.  In the meantime, it's just a day in the life......

Happy 2019!

Well it's the beginning of a whole new book....a 365 day one.  I was all about kicking 2018 to the curb and then yesterday morning on my face book memories the last 6 New Years eve posts were in my face.  Well....3 of the 6.  I realized the years that I posted good riddance to that year posts were years I was really unhappy at that moment.  If I truly look back on every year there were amazing moments and equally as painful ones.  So why throw the baby out with the bath water (as my mommy always said and I had NO clue what it meant at the time).?  Life isn't perfect.  There are ALWAYS going to be horrible times.  But there are also beautiful, magical, incredible times thrown in there.  Why don't we remember those moments?  Why do we focus on the bad?  I came up with so many amazing things this year that happened and the negative things were all lessons to bring me to the place I'm at today.  I did a quick inventory of the last 6 years and realized they were all the same.  Even 2015, which was by far the worst year I can remember was completed in such a perfect and magical way that I only remember that beautiful magic when I think of it.  The last two NYE did not have a face book post because they were blissful.  Perfect, blissful endings.  So.....even though those years had really hard times during them the end justified the means.  It becomes a bit of "what have you done for me lately".  Don't we treat the people we love like that sometimes?  I remember my son reminding me of my habit of doing this.....I was really pissed at something he wasn't doing (taking out the garbage?  dishes?  who can remember)  and he quickly reminded me of all the things he was doing right and why wasn't I acknowledging them?  Why was I focused only on the things he was doing wrong? Wow!  Wake up call.  I realized at that moment that I needed to change the way I looked at things.  Over the last probably 6 years since he said that to me I have.  I definitely count my blessings more and my hardships less.  I can turn any situation around and find the good in it.   So....2018 let's go!  My oldest son broke his 8 month silence with me and we repaired our relationship and are now closer than we have ever been (and we used to be pretttttyyy close so that's saying a lot), the prayers I said relentlessly for him were heard and have been answered.  I can see why that separation had to happen....I can see why all the pain he's been through over the last 7 years occurred.  My younger son moved to North Carolina and at the last minute I chose not to go.  As a result,  my daughter stayed at her current school for High School and as a result became a Varsity Cheerleader and has really come out of her shell.... I took on a new role at my company and it has allowed us to live in a beautiful home and have a different lifestyle.  My son and his wife were able to begin their life together truly on their own, without any family or friends nearby which bonded them together even tighter.  See what I'm doing here?  I'm taking the pain of my oldest not speaking to me and the pain of my younger son moving away and I'm looking at the good things that happened as a result!  Can you do that?  I'm sure if you give it a try you can.  Now do that everyday, with every negative thing you focus on.  Some are harder than others, but I promise you it's possible.  And before you know it....you're living an amazing, beautiful, divinely guided life.

So, 2019....welcome.  Thank you in advance for the glorious things you have planned.  And I promise....when I don't get my way and you show me things I don't really want....I'll forgive you and I'll look deeper for your reasons.  And next year....when it's time to say goodbye....I'll remember you fondly both good and bad.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!