If you were falling Then I would catch you You need a light I'd find a match

I've realized I have a very bad habit of assuming the worst.  About people and situations.  I am an optimistic person.  I can be heard saying ALL the time:  Don't worry, give it to God and it will be fine.  He already knows the outcome.  And I BELIEVE it!  I live my life that way.  Throughout my life though I have been known to assume that someone doesn't care about me, or that I'm not important to them as soon as something comes up that goes against the way that I show love.  In a conversation with my son I realized he does the same thing and in trying to help him to avoid the pitfalls of this syndrome I learned somethings about myself.  I have been doing research and trying desperately to find a way to STOP assuming the worst of people.  I know people who do this with strangers.  If someone cuts in line at the grocery store people take it as something personal.  It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person.  They aren't deliberately trying to annoy you/ruin your day.  You're not that important!  I overcame this one a long time ago.  After reading the Four Agreements I also learned that other people's opinion of you is none of your business.  You can't change it so let it be.  So why do I assume those closest to me don't necessarily love me the way I love them?  Or that I'm not as important to them as they are to me?  This has been my mission lately....to figure this out!  I need to FIX this.  I've asked quite a few people who know me pretty well why I do this.  No one seems to be able to figure it out.  I've been told it's because I'm a controlling person.....well maybe when this person knew me best I was but that chick is long gone.  I have absolutely no desire to control anyone or anything anymore.  What's the point?  It's all in God's hands anyway.  This same person also sent me a video about the husband store----basically insinuating that women are impossible to please.  REALLY?  I said.  I have settled for FAR less than I deserve and you've told me that yourself!  NEXT!

A few weeks ago my bestie and I were discussing we can only imagine what we've been shown.  She was discussing that she can't imagine a love like one I've described because she's never seen it herself.  Love to her can only look the way she's been shown.  Well, this morning it hit me!  That's why I automatically go to a negative place when things don't look the way I want them to.  Because in the past I've been shown that I'm not important.  I've been shown that other things are more of a priority than I am.  I've been shown that people change with time and consistency isn't real.  I realized this goes back to my childhood (which I have realized lately was extremely pristine and idyllic compared to most!) and what I perceived about myself and the love I received.

Cleaning, cooking, the way things looked and my father were the most important things to my mother.  Work, providing, the way things looked and my mother were the most important things to my dad.  In my life they were the most important things to me----so you see how it started.  I felt that I loved them and prioritized them way more than they did to me.  Was it true?  Who the hell knows, but perception is reality.  So....my entire life I have chased that love that I gave away so freely.  I wanted to be first in someone's world.  No matter what.  So....I gave that.  I gave that to whoever was in my world.  My friends, my boyfriends, my bosses.  I gave my very best to everything.  I didn't always receive it back.  And the minute I felt like I wasn't a priority or that the scales tipped I went to the worst case scenario.  They didn't want my friendship, they were falling out of love with me, I was going to get fired. (for the record----I've never had a friend walk away from me....I've only had 1 boyfriend break up with me when I was 16 and he came back a month later...and I've never been fired) So why this assumption?!?!?!?  I have NO idea.  It is driving me mad, actually.  I try very hard to fix myself and work on any issues I have.  But this one?  I can't fix....but I'm getting closer.  While my thoughts still go directly to the negative I talk myself out of it super quickly now.  BUT I want to stop thinking it right away!  I know the frustration it has caused to the people that truly love me completely.  It makes them feel like they can't win....that I expect perfection.  I don't.  I guess I just don't believe that anyone could love me as deeply as I love them.  That anyone could think about me as much as I think about them.  That anyone could prioritize me as I prioritize them.  As if I have the market cornered on that....why?  I wish I knew.  I used to think it was a self worth issue, like I didn't feel worthy of love and being a priority.  But I know that's not the case.  I've realized I'm a pretty cool chick and definitely worthy of being someone's number 1 😏.  Is it a superiority complex?  Like I love better than anyone else?  Seems unlikely but maybe.  Do I expect too much?  That's what I've been told my whole life.  My expectations are too high.  Maybe that's it.  But is it wrong to expect to receive what I give?  If I can achieve it, is it wrong to want it back?  Maybe.  But just because someone doesn't show it the same way that I do doesn't make it wrong.

You have just witnessed what goes on in my head on the daily.  I always come back to the other person's point of view.  Always defending and trying to understand why someone is letting me down basically.  But maybe they're giving everything they have at the moment and I need to accept that.  No one demands the depth of what I give to them.  No one in my life demands more from me than what I give.  Is that because I give more than people are used to receiving?  Most likely.  So what is the answer?  How do I not assume people love me less or want me in their life less if they don't show things the way that I do?  I guess constant self talk to get myself out of this habit.  Or maybe at some point I'll find a way to balance out the love I give.  Maybe I'll take my cue from others and relearn the way I love.  Or maybe I'll just figure out a way to stop thinking about it or letting it get to me.  Time changes things and heals things and time is going by so quickly that maybe this is on it's way out.  Somehow it will work itself out because basically it's just a day in the life.