And when one of us is gone......and one of us is left to carry on....then remembering will have to do

 Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like "what is the point?"  I am having one of those days.  I am not a person who gives up easily.  However, sometimes when it seems like I am getting slammed with one thing after another I truly want to just hide.  Unfortunately, my brain will not allow that.  I am realizing lately that even when I tell myself I am going to retreat and turn the world off, my thoughts just won't stop.  I have that panicked feeling that I might be needed or somehow I am required to do something.  I think the needed part comes from being a mom and someone always needing me --- those days are truly gone.  It is rare that my adult children need me at this point.  It seems the only place I am needed now is at work.  I used to work 7 days a week without any set hours and although I now work 9-5 Monday through Friday I still have that "on call" mentality that really makes me always feel like there is an urgent matter somewhere that needs my attention.  Truth be told, it doesn't - I am not that vital, my job is not rocket science and my boss is quite capable of handling things when I am not on the clock. So, I am trying to train my brain to be able to relax.  It is unlearning years of learned behavior, but I am getting there.  Boundaries - as my daughter reinforces to me daily.  Yes, grasshopper I understand.  Have I mentioned I want to be her when I grow up?  She is truly remarkable.

Anyway - now what?  What exactly do I do while I am in this in between phase?  I know God is getting ready to move me again ---the signs are all there I am just waiting for when and where.  People say well where do you want to live?  Ummm if I knew that I would be doing it!  And when I move I am determined to find people who want and deserve my energy.   I am determined to not be that person who forces herself on people that don't want or need her energy.  I feel that I have been taken for granted for far too long and I have removed my attention from things that make me feel that way.  Being the "good girl" and thinking about everyone else's needs above my own is slowly disappearing.  It can be a lonely place, but luckily I am in good company----my own!  

And then there are mornings like this morning---the grief of a life that is not longer, another life that

will never be, the missing a time in my life when I knew what was required of me.  The time when I knew what my purpose and meaning was.  So I turned to my mom (in prayer) and the tears flowed.  The ache in my heart for my parents came full force and I let it.  I allowed myself to feel the loss and the sadness and the longing for a life that used to be, that could have been - I let it all flow.  When they say grief comes in waves they truly knew what they were talking about.  Sometimes that wave knocks you over and pulls you out with the tide.  Today is such a day.  I feel lost.  What I would not give for just one more talk with my dad "Listen angel life is not fair", or a "oh, Tina...." and a hug from my mom.  But as the song that was mine and my moms (You and Me against the World by Helen Reddy) eloquently states - and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on---then remembering will have to do!.  Well it sucks - sounds great as song lyrics but in life?  Sucks.

I think the hardest thing for me lately is that I don't trust my own intuition anymore.  I used to know so strongly what actions I should take, what I needed to do and say.  But that has been taken away slowly but surely and all I am left with is doubt and confusion and the question of did I REALLY ever know anything?  Was my intuition just a form of wishful thinking?  Maybe it was.  So what now?  If I don't trust myself how do I know what is meant for me?  How do I know what my next action is?  It leaves me wanting to hide in bed and not face anything - but that is not what I am made of.  I am stronger than that.  I found myself asking my mom for a sign today a BIG one --- but I didn't even know what sign to ask for or what I wanted it to mean.  I miss the days when I gave a shit about anything - I want this, I don't want that - I love this, I don't like that.  I am in a place of not caring.  Usually it is a peaceful, pleasant place of just allowing life to unfold the way it's meant to and being grateful for what comes. But when you have decisions to make and you just don't care it is really difficult to make them.  I look around and I have a really good life.  I know I have things that I once prayed for and they have been answered.   I am grateful-  SO very grateful for so many things in my life.  I know (and have lived it) things could be so much worse than apathy.  It seems everyone close to me is dealing with those things - so I have absolutely no right to complain.  But for someone like me----who used to be so passionate about everything to have apathy, and for someone who trusted her intuition like most people trust a GPS to doubt every thought that comes in my head?  It is a form of slow torture.  I miss me.  I miss that woman who stood so passionately for things that mattered to her.  I really hope she comes back and it's not just another person to grieve.  But for now?  I am grateful for this day in the life.

Life ain't picture perfect, use the negatives to develop

When I realized we were going to be quarantined for at least a month I ordered these cute little diamond paintings.  In March.  I got them in June.  I forgot I even ordered them.  The mood was gone for working on projects.  I really never had that shut down time, I was still working throughout.  But, I have really enjoyed making the time to work on this and it made me realize that life is just like this paint by number type art.  You don't fully know how beautiful it will turn out until you dive into it.  Also, that if you give it all to God (as my picture states) it is much easier to enjoy it.

I've seen a lot of people saying January 2020 me and June 2020 me are completely different.  I relate to that.  It isn't really about what's going on in the world as much as it is going on personally.  New Years morning at 3am I got a call that set the tone for this year and it wasn't a good one.  But, it began a year of huge changes for me as a person.  It seems like 6 years ago instead of 6 months.  Trials are like that.  And if you don't roll with the tide you will be pushed and pulled and possibly caught in a rip tide.  It can kick your ass, you'll wind up where you're supposed to be but bruised and battered.  I have been flowing.  I listen to my Angels and my guidance and I DO things that I don't want to do if I'm guided.  Even if my ego is screaming-NO!  I don't want to do that!  WHY do I have to?  So, I'm not sure why I got the proverbial crap beat out of me in the last six months when I was doing what I was told.  But I feel it's almost like labor and this is the last big push.  (if I had a dollar for every time I was foolish enough to believe that...well, I'd have a ton of dollars!)  Things have come up one after another of things I didn't even realize I needed to heal, or process or fix.  This past weekend was a big one and I am being guided to share it because I think it can help a lot of you.  (even though inside I'm saying NO!  I don't WANT to share this...it's too personal).

I have an issue with disappointing people.  I have an issue with needing to be perfect, or at least for the people I care about to think I'm perfect.  I do my best....ALWAYS.  I don't half ass anything in my life.  If I am giving myself to something it's 100 percent.  Sounds good right?  Sounds like a good quality to have, right?  Not necessarily.  Not when you never give yourself a break.  Not when you are crestfallen when the people you love don't think you're perfect.  (for the record, no one is perfect---I know this.  But when I love someone?  They're perfect in my eyes, no matter what---even when they drive me crazy).

I never believed that I meant as much to someone as they meant to me.  Never. Why?  I have no friggin idea.  But it's true.  I've realized it was a huge downfall.  It is through talking to people that have loved me and do love me that I realize I was wrong.  Just because I didn't feel perfect enough didn't mean I wasn't perfect to them.  Someone once asked me why I felt that I had the market cornered on love.  Wow.  I remember how that hit me.  I should have gone through this realization then----but I didn't.  I wasn't ready.  Even typing those words right now bring tears to my eyes.  This person has been one of my greatest teachers.  He made me see myself in a way that no one else ever could.  But I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to see myself the way I see myself now.  Life works that way sometimes.

I've realized that my kids don't see me as perfect either.  That one stung too.  I have done my very best to be "perfect" as a mom.  My oldest showed me that I wasn't and that was a tough pill to swallow.  He's now in a place where he looks at me with those shiny eyes again.  He is remembering his childhood with those rose colored glasses that I looked at mine with for so many years.  He and I are in this amazing place of mutual respect and love and dare I say adoration.  But now it's the younger ones turn to look at me with tainted glasses.  Sigh, well you can't win them all.  However, through this I'm realizing this is MY issue....my issue of needing to be everything to everyone and for them to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  Which they DO!  But they see my flaws---and that's ok!   I don't have the market cornered on love.  They can love me even though I'm not perfect, just like I do them.  Watching old movies with my kids the other night brought the realization that 3 different people can watch the same scene play out and have 3 very different emotions and memories of that time.  And none of them are wrong, perception is reality.  And I don't need them to see it the way I do and they don't need me to see it the way they do.  How about that?  Wow.

So, this past week has been me trying to figure out how and why I got this way (because Heaven forbid it should just be "because I did!")  I need to figure out why so I don't repeat it.  I'm still working on that.  But, my reason for putting this out there is to possibly help someone else with perfection syndrome.  Someone who doesn't feel like anyone could ever love them as much.  Tell yourself, you don't have the market cornered on love.  You aren't the only one who can love unconditionally or overlook imperfections.  Others can love you that way too.  And you don't have to be "perfect"....there is no such thing. And you can't expect that from anyone else either. All you can do is your best at any given time.  And you need to understand that everyone else is doing the same.  And it needs to be enough....we need to appreciate those we love for being the best they can be and to believe that they feel the same way.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Does it really matter?

Today is my daughter's 7th dance recital.  It went from being a one show deal to her being there all day and doing 3 shows and 12 dances.  It makes me reflect on the difference between then and now.  It makes me wonder if I don't care as much about things, or I've learned what's really important....I think it's the later.  When my kids were little I would become so obsessed with how they looked and what they wore and making sure everything was perfect.  Now, I realize, there is no such thing.

In an effort to make everything perfect, I often neglected to enjoy anything.  I would become so crazed and neurotic before a major holiday or event that I didn't ever remember to just be present.  That's all changed now.  I am able to finally live and go with the flow---it's so much better for everyone!  My kids are more relaxed, I am more relaxed---it's definitely more fun!  

With that being said, the old me rears her ugly, OCD head occasionally with her list of shoulds and her finger pointing at someone else who is doing it perfectly and look at how they LOOK.  There is the key word that shuts me down and flips me right back to relaxed mom.  They LOOK perfect.  Yes, that girls costume has way more accessories than mine does---so what?  Yes that little girls hair is perfectly done differently for each and every dance---so what?  Her make up is changed between numbers to match whatever costume is coming next----so what?  My daughter is HAPPY!  She is relaxed and able to be herself.  She doesn't WANT all that crap that I used to push on her.  If she ASKED me for all that, you know what---I would snap on my supermom cape and do the best I could to get it for her.  But she doesn't care about it.  It was ME that used to fuss and push and try to make it all "perfect"---meanwhile, it's supposed to be for her, right?  I think a lot of parents forget that.

My older son has returned from his second year of college and commented the other day that I am a total different parent to "those two" (his younger siblings) than I was to him.  I'm raising them differently he said.  He's right.  I'm a totally different person now.  I'm not all crazed and angry and frustrated and exhausted---well I AM still exhausted but I can handle that.  Plus, I'm divorced and I don't have a stressful, unhappy marriage weighing me down anymore.  I am free to be me!  I'm sorry he had the ubercrazyperfectionist mom---she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.  Everyone thought we had this perfect family---what I've come to realize is that everyone isn't living in my home.  Everyone is not living my life---I don't need to impress anyone!  And if there is anything that my oldest has taught me is that it is THEIR lives not mine to live.  I do my best to impose my morals and my opinion of right and wrong to them and raise them the way I feel will make them good, kind, decent human beings.  The rest is just for show and it's THEIR show, not mine---I want them to be happy not perfect.  As far as the rest.....does it really matter?