And when one of us is gone......and one of us is left to carry on....then remembering will have to do

 Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like "what is the point?"  I am having one of those days.  I am not a person who gives up easily.  However, sometimes when it seems like I am getting slammed with one thing after another I truly want to just hide.  Unfortunately, my brain will not allow that.  I am realizing lately that even when I tell myself I am going to retreat and turn the world off, my thoughts just won't stop.  I have that panicked feeling that I might be needed or somehow I am required to do something.  I think the needed part comes from being a mom and someone always needing me --- those days are truly gone.  It is rare that my adult children need me at this point.  It seems the only place I am needed now is at work.  I used to work 7 days a week without any set hours and although I now work 9-5 Monday through Friday I still have that "on call" mentality that really makes me always feel like there is an urgent matter somewhere that needs my attention.  Truth be told, it doesn't - I am not that vital, my job is not rocket science and my boss is quite capable of handling things when I am not on the clock. So, I am trying to train my brain to be able to relax.  It is unlearning years of learned behavior, but I am getting there.  Boundaries - as my daughter reinforces to me daily.  Yes, grasshopper I understand.  Have I mentioned I want to be her when I grow up?  She is truly remarkable.

Anyway - now what?  What exactly do I do while I am in this in between phase?  I know God is getting ready to move me again ---the signs are all there I am just waiting for when and where.  People say well where do you want to live?  Ummm if I knew that I would be doing it!  And when I move I am determined to find people who want and deserve my energy.   I am determined to not be that person who forces herself on people that don't want or need her energy.  I feel that I have been taken for granted for far too long and I have removed my attention from things that make me feel that way.  Being the "good girl" and thinking about everyone else's needs above my own is slowly disappearing.  It can be a lonely place, but luckily I am in good company----my own!  

And then there are mornings like this morning---the grief of a life that is not longer, another life that

will never be, the missing a time in my life when I knew what was required of me.  The time when I knew what my purpose and meaning was.  So I turned to my mom (in prayer) and the tears flowed.  The ache in my heart for my parents came full force and I let it.  I allowed myself to feel the loss and the sadness and the longing for a life that used to be, that could have been - I let it all flow.  When they say grief comes in waves they truly knew what they were talking about.  Sometimes that wave knocks you over and pulls you out with the tide.  Today is such a day.  I feel lost.  What I would not give for just one more talk with my dad "Listen angel life is not fair", or a "oh, Tina...." and a hug from my mom.  But as the song that was mine and my moms (You and Me against the World by Helen Reddy) eloquently states - and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on---then remembering will have to do!.  Well it sucks - sounds great as song lyrics but in life?  Sucks.

I think the hardest thing for me lately is that I don't trust my own intuition anymore.  I used to know so strongly what actions I should take, what I needed to do and say.  But that has been taken away slowly but surely and all I am left with is doubt and confusion and the question of did I REALLY ever know anything?  Was my intuition just a form of wishful thinking?  Maybe it was.  So what now?  If I don't trust myself how do I know what is meant for me?  How do I know what my next action is?  It leaves me wanting to hide in bed and not face anything - but that is not what I am made of.  I am stronger than that.  I found myself asking my mom for a sign today a BIG one --- but I didn't even know what sign to ask for or what I wanted it to mean.  I miss the days when I gave a shit about anything - I want this, I don't want that - I love this, I don't like that.  I am in a place of not caring.  Usually it is a peaceful, pleasant place of just allowing life to unfold the way it's meant to and being grateful for what comes. But when you have decisions to make and you just don't care it is really difficult to make them.  I look around and I have a really good life.  I know I have things that I once prayed for and they have been answered.   I am grateful-  SO very grateful for so many things in my life.  I know (and have lived it) things could be so much worse than apathy.  It seems everyone close to me is dealing with those things - so I have absolutely no right to complain.  But for someone like me----who used to be so passionate about everything to have apathy, and for someone who trusted her intuition like most people trust a GPS to doubt every thought that comes in my head?  It is a form of slow torture.  I miss me.  I miss that woman who stood so passionately for things that mattered to her.  I really hope she comes back and it's not just another person to grieve.  But for now?  I am grateful for this day in the life.