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Is there ever a time when things stay the same? I look around at other people and they seem settled. Their jobs stay the same, their addresses stay the same, their feet are firmly planted. Everything changes for me....often. Even my thoughts and attachments and desires change. I used to hold on so tightly to control. To plan every moment out, every detail, everything was scheduled. I realized that was "wrong" and I taught myself how to go with the flow. It was a difficult journey, but I got there. However....now that I am here---I find myself not just going with the flow, but just not caring anymore. About almost anything. Is this normal? Is this how people feel all the time? I used to live my life with such gusto, such passion! I loved with all of my being and fought for things I wanted/needed and could not live without. Now? I just feel like I have kinda laid down and just let life roll over me. What's the point in fighting for anything? If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not? Well, then it's not.
I used to try to make my life better. Make myself better. I just don't have it in me anymore. I am tired of being hurt, and disappointed. So---if I just stop caring that can't happen anymore. Truth? Yes. But am I really living? I don't know. It doesn't really matter because it is what it is. I cannot change my feelings or lack of them.
Easter had me thinking a lot. As much as I do not miss the stress of preparing holidays (coordinating outfits, hundreds of plastic eggs being filled, dying eggs, finding cellophane to match the baskets---you get the drill) I do miss the fun. I miss being excited--I don't get excited anymore. This morning I dropped my daughter at school and I realized very soon it will be the last time I ever drop one of my kids off at school! I would not allow myself to go there. You know that saying that if you knew it would be the last time you were going to do something you would cherish it more? I felt that. I remember the last moment I had with each of my parents and I run over them in my mind often. I got to say what I wanted to and needed to say to each one of them---how blessed am I. I thought that would make them being gone easier----it does not.
In the next few months my entire world will be changed yet again. For the first time I do not know what is next. I don't know what it looks like. I just know that it will be ok. Because it always is, isn't it? But it just doesn't seem like enough anymore. I need more. I need some of my old spark and zest back. I need some joy. I need companionship. I need more than mere existence. Because I'm tired of it just being a day in the life. I want more life in my days.
