Rising up…straight to the top. Got the guts got the glory

I forget a lot of negative things in life.  A lot.  I have worked really hard to focus on the present moment (as that is all we are promised).  This week the past has come back with my creme filling son in a positive way and a negative way.  I got to see him back on the field for the first time in 5 years.  I cannot even type that without tears streaming down my face.  I cannot explain the range of emotions I experienced that night.  Nostalgia, excitement, sadness, happiness, faith and confirmation.  Confirmation that everything happens exactly as it should and that when you have faith and hope and conviction in your prayers- God delivers.  Now, he's playing in a men's softball league---so many would say, SERIOUSLY?  What's the big deal?  (Including my son, who laughed when he took one look at my face and knew I was about to cry).  Yes!  Seriously!!!  I wrote an entire book about how the game of baseball saved my son's life.  His love of that game and his desire to be on that field kept him fighting though his battle of childhood cancer.  When he decided to leave the game of baseball in college, I knew it was the right decision.  I was, however, afraid he would never pick up a glove again.  He said as much.  I knew, in my heart, that that would be a big mistake.  However, he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish in his life and this was not the time for baseball.  He has since completed his bachelor's degree, gotten his real estate license, moved out of state and back, gotten married, purchased his first brand new home, (not in that order)at the young age of 23.  So, when he decided it was time to join a league I knew that divine timing was at play.

Last night he asked me for some pictures of when he had cancer.  He has never wanted to look at those before.  I asked why.  He said, "It's childhood cancer awareness month".  I forgot.  So I shared a file I have of pictures of just him.  I kept adding the cancer ones (noticing there were none of the two of us together--hmmm) He said, "I do not recognize that boy.  You don't have to go through anymore mom if it's too hard for you."  Huh?  I said I don't mind it AT all.  All I feel is proud and happy when I see those pictures.  He replied "WHY?"   I said "WHY?  Because look at you now!"  To which he sent me a wiseass selfie commenting on yea, now I have hair.  I said No!  Without that little boy, this man would not be who he is!  So as heart wrenching and AWFUL as it was---I can't wallow there.

I will honor September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I will keep all of those families in my prayers as they battle this horrific disease.  I know not everyone is blessed to have our outcome.   I am grateful EVERY day for DTM's life and the man he has become.

Because not every day is JUST a day in the life....

Life ain't picture perfect, use the negatives to develop

When I realized we were going to be quarantined for at least a month I ordered these cute little diamond paintings.  In March.  I got them in June.  I forgot I even ordered them.  The mood was gone for working on projects.  I really never had that shut down time, I was still working throughout.  But, I have really enjoyed making the time to work on this and it made me realize that life is just like this paint by number type art.  You don't fully know how beautiful it will turn out until you dive into it.  Also, that if you give it all to God (as my picture states) it is much easier to enjoy it.

I've seen a lot of people saying January 2020 me and June 2020 me are completely different.  I relate to that.  It isn't really about what's going on in the world as much as it is going on personally.  New Years morning at 3am I got a call that set the tone for this year and it wasn't a good one.  But, it began a year of huge changes for me as a person.  It seems like 6 years ago instead of 6 months.  Trials are like that.  And if you don't roll with the tide you will be pushed and pulled and possibly caught in a rip tide.  It can kick your ass, you'll wind up where you're supposed to be but bruised and battered.  I have been flowing.  I listen to my Angels and my guidance and I DO things that I don't want to do if I'm guided.  Even if my ego is screaming-NO!  I don't want to do that!  WHY do I have to?  So, I'm not sure why I got the proverbial crap beat out of me in the last six months when I was doing what I was told.  But I feel it's almost like labor and this is the last big push.  (if I had a dollar for every time I was foolish enough to believe that...well, I'd have a ton of dollars!)  Things have come up one after another of things I didn't even realize I needed to heal, or process or fix.  This past weekend was a big one and I am being guided to share it because I think it can help a lot of you.  (even though inside I'm saying NO!  I don't WANT to share this...it's too personal).

I have an issue with disappointing people.  I have an issue with needing to be perfect, or at least for the people I care about to think I'm perfect.  I do my best....ALWAYS.  I don't half ass anything in my life.  If I am giving myself to something it's 100 percent.  Sounds good right?  Sounds like a good quality to have, right?  Not necessarily.  Not when you never give yourself a break.  Not when you are crestfallen when the people you love don't think you're perfect.  (for the record, no one is perfect---I know this.  But when I love someone?  They're perfect in my eyes, no matter what---even when they drive me crazy).

I never believed that I meant as much to someone as they meant to me.  Never. Why?  I have no friggin idea.  But it's true.  I've realized it was a huge downfall.  It is through talking to people that have loved me and do love me that I realize I was wrong.  Just because I didn't feel perfect enough didn't mean I wasn't perfect to them.  Someone once asked me why I felt that I had the market cornered on love.  Wow.  I remember how that hit me.  I should have gone through this realization then----but I didn't.  I wasn't ready.  Even typing those words right now bring tears to my eyes.  This person has been one of my greatest teachers.  He made me see myself in a way that no one else ever could.  But I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to see myself the way I see myself now.  Life works that way sometimes.

I've realized that my kids don't see me as perfect either.  That one stung too.  I have done my very best to be "perfect" as a mom.  My oldest showed me that I wasn't and that was a tough pill to swallow.  He's now in a place where he looks at me with those shiny eyes again.  He is remembering his childhood with those rose colored glasses that I looked at mine with for so many years.  He and I are in this amazing place of mutual respect and love and dare I say adoration.  But now it's the younger ones turn to look at me with tainted glasses.  Sigh, well you can't win them all.  However, through this I'm realizing this is MY issue....my issue of needing to be everything to everyone and for them to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  Which they DO!  But they see my flaws---and that's ok!   I don't have the market cornered on love.  They can love me even though I'm not perfect, just like I do them.  Watching old movies with my kids the other night brought the realization that 3 different people can watch the same scene play out and have 3 very different emotions and memories of that time.  And none of them are wrong, perception is reality.  And I don't need them to see it the way I do and they don't need me to see it the way they do.  How about that?  Wow.

So, this past week has been me trying to figure out how and why I got this way (because Heaven forbid it should just be "because I did!")  I need to figure out why so I don't repeat it.  I'm still working on that.  But, my reason for putting this out there is to possibly help someone else with perfection syndrome.  Someone who doesn't feel like anyone could ever love them as much.  Tell yourself, you don't have the market cornered on love.  You aren't the only one who can love unconditionally or overlook imperfections.  Others can love you that way too.  And you don't have to be "perfect"....there is no such thing. And you can't expect that from anyone else either. All you can do is your best at any given time.  And you need to understand that everyone else is doing the same.  And it needs to be enough....we need to appreciate those we love for being the best they can be and to believe that they feel the same way.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.