'Til the stars all fade to black I'm gonna love you To the ends of the Earth To the moon and back

July was a wild month. I feel like I lived 3 years in one month.  The more things change the more they stay the same.  I haven't been following my usual morning routines of journaling, devotionals and all the stuff that usually keeps me grounded.   I instead spent the mornings taking care of my body - red light therapy, the gym - fighting aging and strengthening my body.  But it cost me in nurturing my soul.  I must find a balance somehow and I am working on it.  Routines have never been my strong suit - I get distracted easily. So today I started a devotional about Joy - my favorite word, my favorite emotion - new month - let's go!

 

It asked about what it feels like to be loved with an everlasting love and how I have felt knowing that God loves me that way.  Uh oh.  Distraction.  Going down the rabbit hole of waiiittt a minute -I don't know that I know what it feels like to be loved.  I instantly went to how I feel when I love someone - that rush of emotion, compassion, admiration, and just LOVE.  But what does it feel like when someone loves me?  Hmmmm - I have no clue.  I went back to my parents, and I remember I always felt safe and secure - I knew nothing could hurt me when I was with them.  I knew they would take care of whatever I needed.  But did I FEEL loved?  Maybe I am thinking feeling loved means something else, but it doesn't?  I remember a feeling of being loved by the way someone looked at me - that I remember clear as day - but that fades - or at least it did then. I started thinking about my siblings.  I recently had the chance to spend time, just the three of us, and it was truly so good for my soul.  There is something about being with my sister and brother without anyone else around that just felt so safe.  We have memories that no one else shares.  Did I feel loved?  Not sure.  I felt happy and accepted.... but loved?  🤷 I know they love me-but do I feel it?  I think we've established I don't really know what that feels like.

 

I was able to celebrate my Godson's proposal to his beautiful, kind, loving fiancée.  I felt the love between them (it's magnetic!) and we celebrated on Kismet (so fitting) with her family.  There was so much love in the air that night.  Strangers became family and I felt a part of something I haven't in a long time.  Being around a group of people that I know were enjoying my company and accepting me for who I am.  Was that feeling loved?  No clue, but it felt amazing and it will go down in my memories of one of the best nights ever.  I felt a peace inside of me that I haven't felt in a long time on that boat ride back.  So, I am getting used to the difference between happiness and joy so maybe I am on my way to distinguishing what it feels like to be loved.

  

My sister and I had a deep conversation and my tears started flowing and shit flew out of my mouth that I didn't even know I was feeling.  Maybe it was being around a group of people that genuinely seemed to like me - I don't often feel that people do.  I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and purposelessness, and it was awful.  She said to me - I don't know many people who think as deeply as you do (Ummmm sis I hate to tell you but you taught me how to do this and now you jumped ship?  Thanks ✌) Maybe she's right.  Maybe the way to be happier is to just take every day as it is and not think about why I feel the way I feel just keep moving.  Oh wait - I DID that for most of my life, and it sucked.  What I am doing is being grateful every day.  Even on the tough ones.  There were a lot of them in June and the beginning of July, but I think we're on an upswing.  And I am determined to remember the good in my life every day.  And maybe feeling loved is just feeling safe...and secure and like someone will have your back no matter what.  And maybe that looks different to me.  Maybe I expect too much.  I crave the loyalty I give, the compassion I feel for those I love, for people to choose me as a priority to want to spend time with me - to get excited when they see me. Maybe that is why that trip to NY was so amazing.  I did feel that many times during my time there.  Maybe that's why I am realizing that it is missing now?  Stupid devotional had to make me think.  Thinking is dangerous, especially now that my heart has unfrozen a bit.  Winter is coming.... I don't want it freeze up again or worse yet get broken during the thaw.  So, for now....I'll just live a day in the life.

The moment I wake up - before I put on my makeup - I say a little prayer for you

 It's just another day....no, no it's not.  Today is the day my mother left this earth 11 years ago to go to a much better place.  I am not one for anniversaries, remembering how many years since xyz happened.  It's not my thing.  Every day is a memory waiting to be made.  But this year I felt today coming.  The heaviness.  The tears.  The longing for just one more moment with her.  As soon as my eyes opened today, I remembered.  I replayed that morning.  The phone call from my brother that I knew was coming.  Debating whether or not to tell my kids or wait until after school (BIG mistake there-they found out from someone else who had no right to say anything).  During times like these we are often so busy planning the moving parts of arranging the things that need to happen after someone's death that we don't have time to actually grieve.  That comes later - and does it ever end?  I'll let you know but so far ummm no.  My daughter and I have an unspoken rule that we just don't mention it - we just know it's on our hearts.  My sister texted me first thing this morning - we are both feeling it extra hard this year for some reason.  My oldest son, similar to my daughter doesn't actually SAY it but he said "I hope you're doing okay today" which is way different than our normal daily check ins.  

I cried to my mom this morning and I asked her for some help (not something I do often - it's usually my dad I call on, because let's face it-he was a badass 😉).  I instantly heard - I'm on it!  I could see her so clearly-if I could only touch her maybe the ache in my heart would go away.  It's funny the older I get the more I realize how much I am like her.  I went to visit my daughter at work (as I often do) and she told me her friend said "Your mom is so cute with her pink lipstick"  I didn't even realize I had it on.  But this morning I was hit so hard when I realized my mother never went ANYWHERE without her lipstick on.  We used to tease her about it and now.....I am her.  I looked down at my hands in church the other day and I noticed the aging-the veins, the spots...and I saw her hands....and mine are soft just like hers were the day I said goodbye to her for the very last time.  I looked in the mirror today as I put on my makeup and I felt her watching me.  She used to love to sit and watch me put on my makeup and she always wanted to try whatever I was using - and wound up stealing it undoubtedly.  I wish I was wearing waterproof mascara because I had a meeting shortly after and I could not stop the tears.  Why did I not cherish those moments more when they were happening?  Why didn't I just stop what I was rushing to do to just sit with her?  I have so many questions I would have asked her.  I was always more comfortable asking my dad questions because he loved to share his wisdom and his lessons.  My mom was definitely not as comfortable with that, so I didn't ask- how I wish I had.

I recently spent a week with my cousins on my mom's side of the family.  My

daughter was chastising me for something I did during the escape room and my cousin said, " I do the same thing!"  and we gave an in-your-face kind of look, and he said it's in our blood, you know we have the same blood, right?  And even though my daughter DID know that she got a strange look on her face and I was a bit taken aback too because there were so many things that I realized that week that I hadn't before.  I guess I always thought the Italian part of me was dominant, but I am realizing that German is pretty strong after all.  

So, I guess like mother like daughter does ring true for me and my mom (I know it does for my daughter and me) and it makes me happy and I hope she is still proud of me, and I know she is watching over my daughter I know she is ridiculously proud of her!  

I miss you mommy....and today will never be just a day in the life.

Easy like Sunday mourning...

 

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that - I was literally up every hour 19 minutes past the hour) and I felt unnerved.  It is Sunday - the most perfect day of the week for me - so literally What the fuck?  I slept in (I need to not do that, it is NOT good for me) and felt like I had lost my best friend.  I did my usual, grabbed my coffee and went to start my morning routine.  I started with my journal because lately after doing my gratitude, time with God and prayer journal I have nothing to say in my journal because I feel so good.  So today I started backwards.  And out it flowed.  Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of losing my mom.  10 years - how?  It feels like yesterday, how have 10 years passed? It made me think of all that has happened since she left and then it all started flowing.  Losing her was so painful, but during that time the other part of my life ended and I believe that is what I am still grieving.  I hadn't thought about it before in that way.  My daughter and I always talk about the last decade being so painful and with so many changes and we firmly believe this next decade will be one of peace and happiness.  We have definitely earned it.  I think she has for sure.  When I look at life from her point of view the fact that she is as magical as she is shocks me.  But, you'll have to read her blog for that stuff - she is a gifted writer and not afraid to share her journey.  https://substack.com/@thechakrafairy

But this is about my grief and what I realized this morning I am grieving.  I am grieving my fairy tale, my happily ever after.  My dream of having that home with the welcoming front porch covered in grandchildren and my children close by.  Holidays and dinners with me in the kitchen with my loving husband as we exchange knowing glances as we watch the grandchildren play and our adult children playing a game at the table or simply watching something on TV and catching up on life and their views. This....this was my lifelong dream and it's one that I am realizing I need to let go of.  It's not in the cards for me - my first grandbaby is being born across the country this year, my oldest son is not in my life and that loving husband has never materialized.  And after writing in my gratitude journal about how grateful I am for the life I have I said I am always feeling like there should be more - and that other people have these grand dreams and plans and I don't.  I am quite content with my life and I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am - every single day.  I have things that a lot of people long for - I have faith, and peace and dare I say happiness these days.  But in order to fully embrace all the good in my life, I have to grieve what is left behind.  

As I wrote a letter to my mom this morning and I told her about all the things I have to be grateful for she reminded me of what I had lost on the way to this point.  That is where it all came out.  My dreams and goals from when I was a little girl were so very different than most people.  I achieved them, but they don't look the way I had hoped.  And that's okay - life rarely looks the way you thought it would, but that doesn't make if any less blessed.  It is also okay to mourn the life you thought you would have, just don't set up camp and stay there.  Because today is a beautiful day in the life.

Because you matter to me, I promise you do, you see?

At one time in my life, I had 21 nieces and nephews.  I took great pride in being an aunt.  Before I became a mom, being an aunt defined me. When I got divorced (even before then) I lost 14 of those nieces and nephews.  I remained close to my niece and two nephews who lived in Arizona, but the rest wrote me off like I never existed.  All those years of playing barbies with them, letting them do my hair, baking them cakes for celebrations, my "famous" pasta salad that they requested all the time, dance recitals, sleepovers at my house, being their confidants when they couldn't tell their mom something - all forgotten.  I was erased with a signature on a divorce paper.  I never really thought about it over the years.  It was best to have that clean break, I have mentioned in previous blogs I was never really accepted into my in laws circle.  But my nieces and nephews - they accepted me completely - and if I am being honest, probably part of the reason why their mothers did not.  Over the years since my divorce, I remained in contact with my niece and 2 nephews from Arizona.  The boys joined the Army, and I was lucky enough to be able to continue contact with them while they were overseas.  One of them came and stayed with me in Florida with his army buddy while they were stationed in North Carolina.  The divorce didn't include them, and I am so grateful.  They've had kids of their own now and that is what brings me to this post.  My niece...she is 33 and a mother of 4.  Her first child is a teenager.  When she found out she was pregnant she told me before anyone else.  She made me swear to keep it a secret, she did not want her parents to make her end the pregnancy.  By this point she was very close to that not being an option anymore.  I did.  I took her to her sonogram appointment and got to see the baby and that is a memory I cherish.  I felt guilty about keeping it a secret, but I told my ex-husband (her blood uncle) and he agreed I needed to keep the baby safe.  Well, I was ostracized when the family found out I knew.  It was fine.  That was between me, and God and I did what I thought was right and I would do it again!  That was in 2008.  The baby was born on my son's birthday during his cancer treatment, so I had more important things to deal with than disapproval from a family that I never fit in. 

 

Fast forward to now.  My niece had a hysterectomy yesterday.  I am praying they got the cancer out completely.  She has had so much dealt to her.  A child with mental illness, one with Autism, a husband that was deployed during her pregnancies - the list goes on.  But she is a badass.  She handles it all and is in the process of closing on a million-dollar home that came from her putting herself through dental hygienist school, running a tanning and teeth whitening business on the side, being an army wife and now she is killing it as a realtor. I am so very proud of her!  In the morning, we were texting before her surgery, and she told me I always know exactly what to say to her when she needs it.  Tears in my eyes I told her - it's in the aunt's handbook.   Last night I was texting her after her surgery and she asked me if my kitchen in New York was decorated in Apples. I had not thought about that in a hundred years.  I laughed and said yes, why?  She began to tell me how she was telling her husband about what an impact I had on her life and how she remembered being in my kitchen and how I would let her do play dough and paint and all the things her mom never let her do.  She told me she always felt safe with me. So many emotions flooded my mind.  Wow.  I did not even remember that.  That brought me to a memory of my own mom and how she let me have play dough once -and I was only allowed to use it outside.  I swore I would let my kids do playdough whenever they wanted.  It led to a conversation with my daughter about how to my kids it was just. normal to be able to make messes and how they didn't know any different!  Anyway, this is taking waaaaayyy too long to get to my point.  If you're still here, bless you 😇  

 

What I learned and I want you to remember ---- sometimes it's a little thing that you don't even think about that can make a difference in someone's life.   My daughter's kindergarten teacher commented on her Facebook post the other day and we had a laundry list of things that we both remembered about her.  And 16 years later her teacher remembers things about us both fondly- tiny little things that did not mean anything while I was doing them, but she remembers. Growing up we never got ourselves something to eat or drink without asking anyone if they wanted something.  I raised my kids the same way.  It wasn't until years later that we realized this isn't necessarily "normal".   Lately I have been feeling less than important in the grand scheme of life so this interaction with my niece was much needed.  I guess I still react to words of affirmation after all, and I realize that many other people are more affected by acts of service.  It makes me feel good when I know that my words of affirmation and my acts of service made a difference to people.  Sometimes, I think we take it for granted in the people closest to us and it becomes not expected but just "normal" and it isn't appreciated as much.  I know I have been guilty of that in the past.  I have tried really hard to be conscious of it and make sure to tell people that they are important to me. So, today - take some time and think about someone or something that has made a difference in your life and tell them.  Even if you told them yesterday.  Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a decade. No one gets tired of hearing that they matter.  For all you know it could make tomorrow more than just a day in the life. 

In Your Easter Bonnet....with all the frills upon it...

 

Easter Sunday....the memories of my childhood....and my children's did not really get to me this year...too much.   I have almost forgotten what it was like making Easter baskets, coloring and hiding eggs, remembering at the last minute that I did not, in fact, have a decent carrot

to leave out for the Easter bunny.  My daughter and I were remembering how she and her brother would fight to the death to win the Easter Egg hunt (yes, I know---very holy of them 😉.  But what fun memories those were.  One of my favorites of my childhood is when my mom forgot where she hid the last egg and a few weeks later we smelled it...I mean found it!  I was far too excited this year that I was going to be able to spend the day at the beach!  I cancelled the dinner reservations we had made (just in case) and off we went.  

On the way to the beach we were engrossed in a deep conversation about God only knows what - but I know we were discussing something serious.  I asked my daughter to go in the console and see if I had hand lotion or a perfume roller ball in there (can't remember which) and seemingly out of nowhere a photo of my dad appeared.

We have been driving his car since he passed in 2021.  I have been through that console dozens of times since, including cleaning out things that I could bear to part with.  So how did I never see this photo?  Instant tears started flowing.  My daddy....never far away.  My daughter and I both took it as confirmation that he was handling any and all issues we faced.  Look at that face....so strong.  I recalled, once again, how lucky I was to have him as my dad.  My children to have him as their poppa.  He was not a Saint by any stretch of the imagination.  But the relationship I built with him as an adult has shaped me in more ways than I can really count.  My work ethic, my sense of right and wrong....all the things that help make me- well me.  Last week my creme filling son was facing an issue with his company and as we discussed it he sent me photos and proof of his side of the situation.  I complimented him and told him that is what Pop always taught us.  Document everything.  It became a joke between my sister and I about how Daddy told us to keep notes about every situation in life.  Time, date, applicable players.  But we do it.  And obviously I passed that down to my kids.  It makes me so happy when I see my parents lessons come out in my kids.  My daughter often says, when she is cleaning or organizing, that she knows how happy her Yaya is when she's doing it.

I have always been an "out of sight, out of mind" type of person.  My mom would say I was "so fickle", because I could change my mind about people at the drop of a hat. It always bothered me.  Why do I not miss people?  Why do I not think about people when I don't see them often?  But I now realize - that is not the truth.  There are certain people (my parents included) that are never really out of my mind.  I am learning that it wasn't that I was "out of sight, out of mind" it is that those people aren't my people.  It's not a flaw, it's a gift!  I don't have time to pine over people that really don't care to be in my life unless I am the one making the effort.  My energy is better spent on the people who do want me in their life and take the time to show me that, because every day----is an important one and not just a day in the life!

Blew out my flip flop....stepped on a pop top

    This photo was taken 2 years ago during our first annual Cousins reunion in Marco Island. I had not  seen my cousins in 5 years. It was as if no time had passed. We only spent the day but it was an

 amazing time. You know when you have people in your life that just make you happy being in their

company? That is my Vegas family. We did not know then that this short visit would be the

beginning of a very important tradition.

This photo was taken last year in Fort Lauderdale. Thanks to hurricane Ian this trip almost did not happen. Marco Island was hit hard and my cousins were coming from Vegas and Philly so the logistics were a bit challenging, but we did it! Although we were all only together for 3 days it was another period of rejuvination for my soul. It was once again just so easy to be together and we picked up where we left off! My daughter looks at her 3 cousins as additional siblings and the bantering and and connection is really so amazing to see.  She is not someone who shows her true personality to many people but Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy definitely see the true Lulu. I love watching it. We stayed in a hotel this trip and it was more challenging (connecting rooms apparently mean the same hallway in Ft. Lauderdale) but we made it work and had a blast. From being surrounded by fish in the ocean to closing the pool bar down, this was an amazing trip! We vowed to make it an annual thing!

 This photo was taken yesterday once again in Marco Island.  Our 3rd annual family reunion.  It was by 

far the best one yet! We left feeling rejuvenated in a way that only happens when you are with people that truly love and accept you. It was as if we were together every day. You know those times when you laugh so hard you cannot breathe? A few of us actually had headaches from laughing too much. It was so needed for me. There are very few people in my life that make me feel like I can just be myself and not worry about the aftermath. My cousins are these people to me. It was so relaxing and easy and just fun! We are able to have those tough talks about big issues and then laugh until we cry (literally-there was snorting!). How blessed am I to have this in my life? And how fabulous to see my daughter be 100 percent unapologetically herself and be embraced for it. Uncle K and Aunt R are exactly what Lulu needed at this time in life, so it was not just me that needed it.  And my nephews, Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy are 3 of my favorite people in the world.  They are so easy to be with and I can talk to them about anything and I love watching them grow into the incredible men they are becoming.  We are already looking forward to next year!  

This trip has shown me how important it is to be around people you love and how important it is to maintain those connections.  Rockin R and I have made a point of catching up with a phone call at least once a month and I look forward to those calls so much.  I drove home last night feeling lighter than I have in a very long time.  I fell into bed physically exhausted yet emotionally alive in the best possible way.  I am so very very grateful to have this to look forward to every year and have these 5 people in my life....it makes me feel joy.  My absolute favorite emotion.  And having that joy makes me know there is more on the way and I am excited for it.  Life is what you make it ---so let's make it right.  It is too short to be stuck in unhappiness, or the day to day blahs that become your normal way of life.  Every day is NOT just a day in the life --- it is what you make it and for me?  I am choosing joy....and whenever I can I will do something that makes me feel that----every day in the life.

Because I'm 18 and I still live with my parents, yeah they're not like yours

 Happy 18th Birthday to my answered prayer.

That's right.  Today is a very special day!  18 years ago my daughter's best friend was born.  As a mom I have prayed since before my children were born for the right people to surround them in life.  My prayers for my daughter were different than those for my sons.  Not much, but there was one key difference.  For my daughter I prayed for her to find that one best friend that she would keep for life.  I have had several of those friends during my life, but I never had that one that lasted my whole life.  Eighteen years ago today my daughter's bestie was born.

When I took this picture as they drove away to graduation, I was so emotional.  I made them both promise to always stay close and remain as true to each other as they have been.  they laughed at me but promised!  It was in that moment that I realized my little Gracie Lou Freebush was the answer to that prayer I prayed so often during my daughter's life.  And I could not have chosen a better soul sister for my little girl.

And today I got to watch them in action and it is truly amazing.  Amazing how two young women could be so similar and so strong and so supportive of each other.  They have the same sense of humor (which is not easy because half the time no one else can understand what they're saying 😂  

Normally, I would have made a post for her on social media---but since I have gotten off of social media, this was the next best thing.  One of the things I love about GracieLou is how sweet she is.  She thinks about my LuLu's feelings and everyone else's feelings usually before her own.  She is 

honest, and funny and she is never afraid to be honest.  She is brave.  She stands up for what she believes in.  Soon she will go off to her next phase of life....college in South Carolina. I know Lulu will be heading up there to visit her soon.  What I love about their friendship is that they support and want the absolute best for each other----that is something I did not find until I was much older!  They are so lucky to have found this type of friendship so young in life.  There is no drama between these two, they are upfront and honest and so articulate (which is incredible since their high school clearly did not teach them this).

So, as you venture off to your next phase of life, my little GracieLou Freebush I hope you know how much you are loved and valued.  I pray that you always stay true to yourself and know how damn AMAZING you are!  Never doubt that (remember the conversation in your kitchen).  You will always have a place in our home no matter where that ends up being 😊.  

I love you like you are my very own (and trust me----that doesn't happen often, you know this!)  Happy Happy Birthday little Gracie Lou!  

They say it's your birthday......Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Daddy....

 

Happy 92nd Birthday Poppa....your first one in heaven.  You are most likely so happy to be surrounded by all of those you've missed for so many years on your birthday.  It is your first birthday with your mom in more years than you can count.  Funny because this year will be the first one that I do not spend with DTM....the circle of life, huh daddy?  You used to talk about that all the time.  The quotes you used, your pearls of wisdom....they stay with me.  They are a part of who I am.  I hear your voice and your words every single day.  "Where you are, I once was" -  that's been a big one lately.  I miss you.  So much.  I know we all do.  

I found a disk of photos that you had taken over the years.  I downloaded them on my computer and it is so cool to see your perspective on what was important to capture.  It was also pretty funny that every picture I took of you and you took of me, we were making faces at each other....I guess I only remember our long talks over coffee, or after dinner.  I forget the goofy stuff.  That's why I miss the days of cameras instead of cell phones for picture taking.  

The baby graduated last week Pop.  It was the first and only one you missed.  DTM was quick to say that you and mommy were both together and there for it.  I am not gonna lie, I felt the empty seat.  I always feel the absence of your presence.  Even when you were grouchy and I could tell you missed the quiet of your own place, it was a blessing to have you there.  

Everything is changing Daddy.  I know you would say that's life.  Which I would then turn to mommy so she would comfort and baby me lol.  But you are right....it is life.  And sometimes dad?  It sucks.  How come you never showed me that?  How come you and mommy made it seem SO easy?  I can hear you laughing at me.  Shaking your head and saying "Ah baby, if only you knew."  I think about all the birthdays growing up that you made so special.  I always felt like a princess on my birthday.  And your birthdays....you shaking boxes and guessing what was in it---used to piss us off so much!  😁  And now?  What a party there is in Heaven today!  Strawberry shortcake, mommy's potato salad---I can see it now.  It makes my heart smile.  You deserve it daddy!  But what I would not give to run down the street and meet you at the corner and hang out the car window while you drove home.  I miss you.

We will celebrate you today.  I think I will have a manhattan instead of an appletini to switch things up.  I miss you.  Remember how you used to tell me to use my "poison pen" when I had something to say?  I am losing my gift daddy---the words are just not coming.   My get up and go just got up and went (as mommy always said).  I am hoping time truly does heal all wounds---you wouldn't lie to me wouldja daddy?  Because I will remind you when we meet again.  I will have a list, because I am your daughter.

I am sorry I am not full of eloquence and all these incredible snippets that you looked forward to in the past.  I'm not gonna lie Poppa....I haven't been myself since you left.  I think you took a part of me with you----can you send it back please?  I kinda miss her.  But I am stronger than I used to be---I will give you that.  I am your daughter. And you raised me to do whatever it takes no matter what, right?  Right.  So here we go daddy---the next phase of life.  Stay close please...because I always need my daddy.

Happy Birthday Poppa!  You are loved and missed more than you know.  I hope it is truly the best one ever and not just a day in the life xoxoxo 

When you're weary....feeling small, when tears are in your eyes---I'll dry them all

 It is 7 years ago that I lost my mom.  I handled it much better than I have losing my dad.  It is not because I loved her less.  It is because when she passed I was worried about my dad.  I had intense things going on in my immediate family and God distracted me, I believe.  I thought I was a warrior.  Look at me.  Look how strong I am.  These people that are overcome with grief are weak.  Death is part of life.  Just move on.  To any that I thought that about, I apologize.  I did not understand.  I thought that because I did not see my mother all the time and hadn't in 30 years that it was easier for me.  I tricked myself into thinking that was it---I was used to not speaking/seeing my mother every day so I adjusted "so well".  Plus, I was still a bit upset with my mother when she passed, truth be told.  But in the years following her passing I would lose it at times, the grief would hit me like a sledgehammer out of the blue.  I was angry at myself---what is WRONG with you?  You are NOT weak!  You are NOT about this falling on the floor wracked with sobs that your son had to hold you and console you like a child!!  You are better than this!

Fast forward to losing my dad.  I STILL cannot think, type, speak it without the tears flowing.  It has been nearly 2 months and the pain is as fresh as the moment it happened.  I could not sleep the other night and I went on instagram and watched a video of my dad doing sega sega with my great niece.  I literally could not breathe. When my dad passed I said to my brother sobbing, "we're orphans" he replied swiftly- "we are NOT orphans!  we have each other." 💖.  I will never see my parents again.  Never. Well, I mean I will when I meet them in heaven (which pisses me off when people say that---"yes you will, you'll see them"---DUH!  Look who you're talking to!  I KNOW THAT!   I speak to them daily...I feel them and I see them.  It isn't the same!  I want them HERE!  I want them to see my daughter graduate...I want them to watch their great grandchildren grow...and be born....I want them at weddings and parties.  I want them to be here to hug me and bake with me and laugh with me.  I want them to guide my children with their wisdom.  I want them to tell me stories about their lives growing up. I want my dad to help me hang pictures on the wall, and let me bring him his lunch and a cup of tea to his favorite chair.   I want my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, or a banana sandwich or better yet a tomato sandwich (with the perfect amount of mayo and salt!) and call me Harriet! I want to see the way my mom would look at me, like I was the most amazing human being alive.  She did that you know....not when I was little, but when I was grown.  She admired me so much.....I miss that.  Having someone look at me with such love.  

Some days it is easy to pretend they are still here.  Like I said, I did not see or speak to them every day.  But then I realize they aren't and the wave hits me.  What I have learned is that some people treat you like you have a disease when you're grieving.  They avoid you.  They can't deal with the pain that is so raw in your eyes.  I get it.  Most people are not used to me being in a low energy place like this for long periods of time.  Oh well.  Sorry not sorry.  I cannot help it.  If I could, I would.  No one wants to feel like this. 

My children....my children...they have been incredible during this whole process.  My sons check on me daily (well....we normally check in with each other daily anyway, but I have been not myself-so it is different), my daughter is fiercely protective of me.  She insists on helping me set boundaries and to make sure I take care of myself.  I was a good daughter, but my children?  Make me look like the worst.  They are far more than any parent deserves.

So, it is in this time of mourning and grief that you realize---you realize who is truly there for you.  My family is very private in our grief.   We did not plaster it all over social media...we didn't send out huge announcements.  Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do, this is just how we deal with things.  So, the people that were told about my dad were important to us.  They were important to him.  So, imagine my surprise when there were so many that did not even reach out to say a simple "I'm sorry".  I know it's difficult to know the right thing to say in a time of grief and sorrow....but a simple I'm sorry is truly enough.  My cousin (who I do not speak to often) sent me the most beautiful, heartfelt message--so touching.  My other cousin in Vegas who was dealing with his beloved wife losing her battle with cancer at the time called and left me a heartfelt voicemail that brought me to tears....These are the messages and the people that I will treasure.  To say I am in shock about those who never even reached out to say "I'm sorry" is an understatement.  I do not think I will be able to get over that.  Grief is a strange thing.  It makes you different.  My reality is forever changed.   I am a forgiving person.  I have gone through a lot in my life that I have not shared with a lot of people.  So--I never expected people to know when I was at a low point or in pain because people aren't mind readers. However---knowing and not even attempting to console someone?  Speaks volumes about people's character in my opinion.

There are people that were there when my younger son had cancer that got a free pass for a lot of things because "oh they were so good when DTM had cancer though!"....when I got divorced it was not this tragic situation so no one needed to console or "be there" for me---however there were and are people that treated me like I had the plague because I got divorced!---I ignored it and got over it.  But this?  I don't think I will get over it.   I do not normally hold grudges.  I have forgiven people for far more. So, if you know me, and you see me, and I treat you differently?  Think about how you behaved when I lost my daddy---you might find your answer there.  Because...this....is not just a day in the life.