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It is 7 years ago that I lost my mom. I handled it much better than I have losing my dad. It is not because I loved her less. It is because when she passed I was worried about my dad. I had intense things going on in my immediate family and God distracted me, I believe. I thought I was a warrior. Look at me. Look how strong I am. These people that are overcome with grief are weak. Death is part of life. Just move on. To any that I thought that about, I apologize. I did not understand. I thought that because I did not see my mother all the time and hadn't in 30 years that it was easier for me. I tricked myself into thinking that was it---I was used to not speaking/seeing my mother every day so I adjusted "so well". Plus, I was still a bit upset with my mother when she passed, truth be told. But in the years following her passing I would lose it at times, the grief would hit me like a sledgehammer out of the blue. I was angry at myself---what is WRONG with you? You are NOT weak! You are NOT about this falling on the floor wracked with sobs that your son had to hold you and console you like a child!! You are better than this!
Fast forward to losing my dad. I STILL cannot think, type, speak it without the tears flowing. It has been nearly 2 months and the pain is as fresh as the moment it happened. I could not sleep the other night and I went on instagram and watched a video of my dad doing sega sega with my great niece. I literally could not breathe. When my dad passed I said to my brother sobbing, "we're orphans" he replied swiftly- "we are NOT orphans! we have each other." 💖. I will never see my parents again. Never. Well, I mean I will when I meet them in heaven (which pisses me off when people say that---"yes you will, you'll see them"---DUH! Look who you're talking to! I KNOW THAT! I speak to them daily...I feel them and I see them. It isn't the same! I want them HERE! I want them to see my daughter graduate...I want them to watch their great grandchildren grow...and be born....I want them at weddings and parties. I want them to be here to hug me and bake with me and laugh with me. I want them to guide my children with their wisdom. I want them to tell me stories about their lives growing up. I want my dad to help me hang pictures on the wall, and let me bring him his lunch and a cup of tea to his favorite chair. I want my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, or a banana sandwich or better yet a tomato sandwich (with the perfect amount of mayo and salt!) and call me Harriet! I want to see the way my mom would look at me, like I was the most amazing human being alive. She did that you know....not when I was little, but when I was grown. She admired me so much.....I miss that. Having someone look at me with such love.
Some days it is easy to pretend they are still here. Like I said, I did not see or speak to them every day. But then I realize they aren't and the wave hits me. What I have learned is that some people treat you like you have a disease when you're grieving. They avoid you. They can't deal with the pain that is so raw in your eyes. I get it. Most people are not used to me being in a low energy place like this for long periods of time. Oh well. Sorry not sorry. I cannot help it. If I could, I would. No one wants to feel like this.
My children....my children...they have been incredible during this whole process. My sons check on me daily (well....we normally check in with each other daily anyway, but I have been not myself-so it is different), my daughter is fiercely protective of me. She insists on helping me set boundaries and to make sure I take care of myself. I was a good daughter, but my children? Make me look like the worst. They are far more than any parent deserves.
So, it is in this time of mourning and grief that you realize---you realize who is truly there for you. My family is very private in our grief. We did not plaster it all over social media...we didn't send out huge announcements. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do, this is just how we deal with things. So, the people that were told about my dad were important to us. They were important to him. So, imagine my surprise when there were so many that did not even reach out to say a simple "I'm sorry". I know it's difficult to know the right thing to say in a time of grief and sorrow....but a simple I'm sorry is truly enough. My cousin (who I do not speak to often) sent me the most beautiful, heartfelt message--so touching. My other cousin in Vegas who was dealing with his beloved wife losing her battle with cancer at the time called and left me a heartfelt voicemail that brought me to tears....These are the messages and the people that I will treasure. To say I am in shock about those who never even reached out to say "I'm sorry" is an understatement. I do not think I will be able to get over that. Grief is a strange thing. It makes you different. My reality is forever changed. I am a forgiving person. I have gone through a lot in my life that I have not shared with a lot of people. So--I never expected people to know when I was at a low point or in pain because people aren't mind readers. However---knowing and not even attempting to console someone? Speaks volumes about people's character in my opinion.
There are people that were there when my younger son had cancer that got a free pass for a lot of things because "oh they were so good when DTM had cancer though!"....when I got divorced it was not this tragic situation so no one needed to console or "be there" for me---however there were and are people that treated me like I had the plague because I got divorced!---I ignored it and got over it. But this? I don't think I will get over it. I do not normally hold grudges. I have forgiven people for far more. So, if you know me, and you see me, and I treat you differently? Think about how you behaved when I lost my daddy---you might find your answer there. Because...this....is not just a day in the life.
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