Conceal don't feel...Don't let them know---NO! Let it go!

 

Just this morning I had 3 separate conversations with 3 people I love very very much.  It hurt my heart.  These people are not ideally at the weight they would like to be at.  I have been there.  These people avoid photos...and maybe mirrors....and they wonder what other people think when they see them.  I have been there.  I have struggled with weight most of...no, ALL of my life.  I would have the best time at a party, or a dinner or just being and then I would see a photo of me and my entire mood would change.  THAT is what I look like?  Ugh.  I thought I looked good today! I tried every diet under the sun.  I would beat myself up for not being able to stick to anything. 

 I remember, I would get within 10 pounds of my goal weight and panic because OMG I have to do this forever???? And I would ultimately sabotage myself.  I reached my goal weight in 1990 probably.  I remember a particular wedding that I felt really good at.  I was wearing a size 7 and felt like a million bucks.  My now ex sister in law said to me "You are like an entirely different person when you feel good about yourself!  You are so much more fun!"  I remember being insulted (truth be told no matter what she said to me at that time I would have been insulted---I was in denial) and thinking NO!  That's not true.  (Was 1000 percent true!  And if I could I would thank her for that, because it stuck in my head and ultimately helped me connect the dots to my inner issues) .

 I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with my first blessing in 1993.  I gained 75 lbs. with that pregnancy.  But I felt beautiful, every minute.  I was creating another human being and I was glowing.  Fast forward to 2021 and I finally lost the remainder of that 75 lbs.  27 years and 2 more babies and I kept that extra 25 lbs. on my body.  Some years it bothered me, some years not so much.  In 2011 I began a journey to self love.  I began to realize it did not matter how anyone else saw me.  What mattered was how I saw myself.  

While I began to explore the reasons why I didn't fully accept myself for who I was a miraculous thing happened.  The weight came off.  I did nothing differently.  In fact, when I did diet/exercise nothing happened.  I could not even lose weight using the methods that have worked in the past.  I won't name them here, but they are ALL famous and they do work if you work them.  Not this time.  This 25 lbs would not budge.  In fact,  I gained another 10 at times. I was DETERMINED to be thin at my sons wedding in 2018---I was not.   I think I lost 10 lbs. during that year but it wasn't because I was trying----it was because I was diving deeply into ME.  Into what made me tick.  Why was I codependent? Why did no one ever put me first?  Why did I care how people perceived me?  Why did I need people to acknowledge that I had changed?  Why couldn't I accept that I was different and "weird"  and a "wacko" (that last one was my dad's favorite description of me.  No, he was not mean, or horrible.  He didn't understand this spiritual life changing journey I was on.) A lot of people couldn't and still can't. And that was ok, because God brought me people who could.  

In 2013 I started really opening up about the spiritual journey I was on.  I could hear the whispers behind my back.  I did not let it stop me.  Was it hard?  Ummmm damn straight.  I would see my family and know they thought I was-whatever they thought I was.  I stopped caring.  I love my family with all my heart but I am different.  I homeschooled my kids---I got divorced-----I moved across the country--- I am the black sheep, rebel in my family.  Do they love me?  Of course they do.  But I don't think they understand me.  And that is okay!  I let go of needing anyone to "get" me....or accept me....and as I did that----the scale numbers went down.  I accept me....I get me....and that is all that matters!  For me AND for you!  

I realized that our cells hold onto emotions.  I remember in 2011 I had a distance healing with this amazing woman in Ireland.  She told me certain pains in your body were a result of past trauma and wounds.  I had this persistent pain in my left hip (I did not tell her this) and she told me that a past betrayal (she described it and the year it happened in detail) was being stored in my hip.  As I released it---that pain disappeared and has not (knock on wood) returned.  This was miraculous to me!  It made me realize how amazing the human body is.  Also weight sometimes protects you.  If you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you avoid certain situations and those situations could be detrimental to you.  It was funny, because a lot of people say that their partners make them feel horrible when they are overweight.  They say cruel things, threaten to cheat---horrible, awful things.  I remember hearing them in the meetings I would go to for one of the programs I was on.  I remember saying - I would get bigger if my partner did that to me!  AHHHH I was onto something---some people would stay overweight as a method of control.  That weight was protecting them by making them realize that their partner was an ASSHOLE!  They needed to figure that out so they could change their lives.  My ex would try to sabotage my diets.  I think he was nervous that I would lose the weight and leave.  He never made me feel ugly or like something was wrong with me.  But I think that weight protected me from leaving before it was time.  And it's all about timing----Divine timing, not ours.  

It is also a process....this journey of self love.  Sometimes, we meet someone who makes us see ourselves in a way we have not before. They love us unconditionally and see our soul.  And when we see ourselves through their eyes we realize that is the person we want to be.  Sometimes that person is ourselves --- every journey is different.  But the most important thing to realize is WHO we are is SO much more than what we LOOK like.  The world has gone absolutely crazy with plastic surgery and botox and lift this and tuck this.  For the love of GOD do you not think God made you perfectly?!?!?!?

At the end of the day, the only person who is inside of your head is YOU.  And if YOU are not accepting and loving yourself EXACTLY as you are---then who is going to?  Learn to love the person and the body looking back at you in the mirror RIGHT now----as is....and watch everything in your world change!  After all, it is just a day in the life-----