The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......

See you....in September!

Well it's been a hell of a summer.  I knew it would be crazy but I didn't really anticipate how difficult it would be.  Actually it wasn't too bad while we were going through it, but now looking back?  It kicked my ass.  Packing up all of your worldly belongings and moving them across the country along with a caravan of 3 cars, 4 people and 2 dogs was a trip.  It was what I wanted....the 4 of us together for one last hurrah.  And it was a huge success.  We bonded and made memories that will never leave us.  Good, bad and ugly the memories are there.  We made the best of it, we always do.  My kids are troopers, and I just am so proud of them!  I honestly don't know many people that could do what we did with smiles and laughter through it all.  And even the tense times, we found a way to make them funny.  Someone commented before we left Arizona that my kids and I say I love you to each other more than most people---like ALL the time.  Hmmm.  I hadn't noticed that, but once it was brought to my attention I did.  Even driving across the country every time we called each other to update the next move with a quick phone call it was ended with I love you.....love you too....I truly thought everyone did that.  Apparently not.  It was a trip that we will talk about for a lifetime.  The imitations of each other and people we met will be part of our interactions for all time.  Then we finally arrived.  It wasn't bad because we had people I love here to greet us and help us get settled for the first few days. Staying with them was like being home and being with family.  I felt really happy. Then we moved into our new home and it hit me.  Wow.  I am really truly all alone here.  I didn't realize how many options I had in Arizona if I needed someone.  The home we're living in is much smaller than the house in Arizona (only 250 square feet, but storage wise?  oy vey! And it's one story as opposed to 2) and a lot more work for me.  My kids LOVE it here.  They just adjusted immediately and love it!  My younger son didn't want to leave to go to college because he loved it so much.

Then, we go to the next huge change....taking my son to college.  I had to leave my daughter and oldest son in Florida while I took my son to North Carolina for school.  I was gone for 5 days.  That was a rough one.  Feeling torn...knowing I had to leave my son at the end of it.  But, we made the best of it.  I made a lot of realizations on that trip.  I realized I'm codependent on my children.  I take all of their problems on myself long after they've released them.  I'm done with that.  I haven't done that with my oldest in a while and now I'm not doing it with my cream filling son.  My daughter?  She doesn't get rattled too much, so we'll see how that goes.  She's almost 13 I'm a bit frightened about the next 5 years with her to be honest.  She's a bit of a wild card.  Leaving my son was too hard to put into words.  On the way to the airport I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  I tricked myself into pretending it was for a short visit.  It worked.  I talk to him all day pretty much, so although I miss his face and his hugs and (I'm crying now) having his company I still have that contact with him whenever I want to.  My oldest son says that his brother will be like Ray Barone in everybody loves Raymond and never live too far from me.  I'm not sure about that but I AM sure that our relationship will always be this way.  And I'm thankful for our connection.  My oldest talks a big game but whenever I'm sitting down alone and he's around?  He pulls up a chair and hangs out with me too.  So why are my children handling this move better than I am?  Why are they doing what I usually do?  Hopefully they've learned from me.  And that even though I'm struggling they've seen me rise to the occasion enough times to have it be part of them.

I just realized that the weather is probably not helping the cause.  It's been rainy and cloudy A LOT.  Twelve years of straight sunshine was very very good for my soul.  But this too shall pass.  And apparently I'm not done learning my lessons and growing into the me I'm meant to be.  I've been told by a few people that I am being WAY too hard on myself.  That I need to just relax and take a breath.  That's not me, that's not who I am.  I expect certain things from myself and I don't like when I'm feeling this way.  Lazy, whiny, sad---I just hate sad-  and alone.  I'm never alone, at least physically, so I don't know where this is coming from.  Actually I do, but there's nothing I can do about it at the present time.

So, as I prepare to kiss the summer of 2016 goodbye this weekend (Labor day will always be the end of summer to me I don't care what the calendar says) I look forward to the rest of 2016 with great anticipation and a sense of peace that I haven't had in a while.  I will continue to adjust to my new home and force myself to venture outside of my bubble.  I will enjoy my new supporting role in my children's lives and listen to my daddy's advice and take at least an hour a day just for ME and not feel guilty about it, because after all.....it's just a day in the life ;)