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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

See September!

Well it's been a hell of a summer.  I knew it would be crazy but I didn't really anticipate how difficult it would be.  Actually it wasn't too bad while we were going through it, but now looking back?  It kicked my ass.  Packing up all of your worldly belongings and moving them across the country along with a caravan of 3 cars, 4 people and 2 dogs was a trip.  It was what I wanted....the 4 of us together for one last hurrah.  And it was a huge success.  We bonded and made memories that will never leave us.  Good, bad and ugly the memories are there.  We made the best of it, we always do.  My kids are troopers, and I just am so proud of them!  I honestly don't know many people that could do what we did with smiles and laughter through it all.  And even the tense times, we found a way to make them funny.  Someone commented before we left Arizona that my kids and I say I love you to each other more than most people---like ALL the time.  Hmmm.  I hadn't noticed that, but once it was brought to my attention I did.  Even driving across the country every time we called each other to update the next move with a quick phone call it was ended with I love you too....I truly thought everyone did that.  Apparently not.  It was a trip that we will talk about for a lifetime.  The imitations of each other and people we met will be part of our interactions for all time.  Then we finally arrived.  It wasn't bad because we had people I love here to greet us and help us get settled for the first few days. Staying with them was like being home and being with family.  I felt really happy. Then we moved into our new home and it hit me.  Wow.  I am really truly all alone here.  I didn't realize how many options I had in Arizona if I needed someone.  The home we're living in is much smaller than the house in Arizona (only 250 square feet, but storage wise?  oy vey! And it's one story as opposed to 2) and a lot more work for me.  My kids LOVE it here.  They just adjusted immediately and love it!  My younger son didn't want to leave to go to college because he loved it so much.

Then, we go to the next huge change....taking my son to college.  I had to leave my daughter and oldest son in Florida while I took my son to North Carolina for school.  I was gone for 5 days.  That was a rough one.  Feeling torn...knowing I had to leave my son at the end of it.  But, we made the best of it.  I made a lot of realizations on that trip.  I realized I'm codependent on my children.  I take all of their problems on myself long after they've released them.  I'm done with that.  I haven't done that with my oldest in a while and now I'm not doing it with my cream filling son.  My daughter?  She doesn't get rattled too much, so we'll see how that goes.  She's almost 13 I'm a bit frightened about the next 5 years with her to be honest.  She's a bit of a wild card.  Leaving my son was too hard to put into words.  On the way to the airport I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  I tricked myself into pretending it was for a short visit.  It worked.  I talk to him all day pretty much, so although I miss his face and his hugs and (I'm crying now) having his company I still have that contact with him whenever I want to.  My oldest son says that his brother will be like Ray Barone in everybody loves Raymond and never live too far from me.  I'm not sure about that but I AM sure that our relationship will always be this way.  And I'm thankful for our connection.  My oldest talks a big game but whenever I'm sitting down alone and he's around?  He pulls up a chair and hangs out with me too.  So why are my children handling this move better than I am?  Why are they doing what I usually do?  Hopefully they've learned from me.  And that even though I'm struggling they've seen me rise to the occasion enough times to have it be part of them.

I just realized that the weather is probably not helping the cause.  It's been rainy and cloudy A LOT.  Twelve years of straight sunshine was very very good for my soul.  But this too shall pass.  And apparently I'm not done learning my lessons and growing into the me I'm meant to be.  I've been told by a few people that I am being WAY too hard on myself.  That I need to just relax and take a breath.  That's not me, that's not who I am.  I expect certain things from myself and I don't like when I'm feeling this way.  Lazy, whiny, sad---I just hate sad-  and alone.  I'm never alone, at least physically, so I don't know where this is coming from.  Actually I do, but there's nothing I can do about it at the present time.

So, as I prepare to kiss the summer of 2016 goodbye this weekend (Labor day will always be the end of summer to me I don't care what the calendar says) I look forward to the rest of 2016 with great anticipation and a sense of peace that I haven't had in a while.  I will continue to adjust to my new home and force myself to venture outside of my bubble.  I will enjoy my new supporting role in my children's lives and listen to my daddy's advice and take at least an hour a day just for ME and not feel guilty about it, because after's just a day in the life ;)

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