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Saturday, July 23, 2016

Feels like the first time

I looked around my home today with a feeling of satisfaction.  I'm ahead of schedule for the moving van this week.  I'm not a newbie when it comes to moving so I know after that van leaves is when the real work begins and the time will run out very very quickly by Friday morning when we roll out of
Arizona for most likely the last time.  I didn't expect to shed tears about this move.  I am ready to move forward with my life, this next chapter for all of us.  However, when I looked at the front door this morning my eye caught the make shift growth chart I made on the kitchen wall.  It hit me then that we have had A LOT of life in this house.  The last 4 1/2 years contained 2 high school graduations, a middle school graduation, a communion and confirmation, sending a son to college and preparing to send a second one, the death of both of my children's grandmothers, the beginning and then ending of so many things.  When I chose this house and we moved it in was the beginning of my life on my own, for the first time in my life.  That's pretty huge.  This was the first time I had ever lived without another adult sharing the load with me or for me.  I look back and I don't even recognize that woman.  She had so much to learn.....and she did it.....in this house.  I wiped down the makeshift growth chart with tears in my eyes and I saw the shadow of a wax stain on the wall to my left.  That happened the first time my oldest son came home for Thanksgiving and I was so excited I jumped on him and we hit the scentsy warmer that was plugged into the wall.  More tears.  My kids grew up in this house.  When we left the house in New York I shed tears because my two youngest kids had come home to that house and taken their first steps their as well.  But I was so excited about moving to Arizona and the prospect of all the new memories we would make I wasn't sad for long.  When we left the home I shared with my ex husband I didn't shed any tears.  Cancer was fought in that house, so many bad memories had taken place there.  Even though that house was built to my every specification it held no sentimental value to me, I was thrilled to move on to the next phase as a single mom.  But leaving THIS home?  This will be tougher than I thought.  WE grew up in this house, my kids and me.  We became the unit that we are right now and that is priceless to me.  We have overcome some of life's biggest challenges and we did it together.  Those memories will stay with me forever and they will be associated with this house, the house I will always consider MY first home.  Even though I've owned 2 homes before and I don't actually own this one, it's mine...ours....

Here's some of the important things I've learned over the last 4 years.

I can really do anything.
God provides.  ALWAYS. (I knew this, it was just reinforced)
Things change all the time, people change all the time, love is born and love dies, and in the end it is all okay.
I will never put my life on hold for anyone ever again.
Death affects everyone differently.
Sometimes the things that you think are meant to be....aren't.
I am blessed FAR more than I deserve.
Friendships come and go and you have to let them.
Never say never, or forever and always....the only thing that is guaranteed is change.
Plans change, people change and the only thing you can count on is the moment you are in right now.
The hardest part about being a mom is knowing when to step aside and let them go.
Your children will sometimes forget all the good things and only remember the bad.  And their recollection could be completely different than yours.  Don't take it personally.
Things that you think are unimportant might become some of your children's fondest memories.

I'm sure there is more but those are the biggies.

My oldest, youngest and I can not WAIT to leave Arizona.  We have been counting the days.  My younger son is conflicted.  His girlfriend is here....he will only be living in Florida for 2 weeks before it's time to go to college. He has a lot of emotion going on.  The next month will be....challenging?  amazing? scary? exhausting?  exhilarating?  happy?  sad? overwhelming? YES....all of the above.  But just like when I walked through the front door of this home 4 1/2 years ago I am certain that the best days of our lives haven't happened yet.  And when it's said and done, this is just a day in the life <3 p="">
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