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Home is where the heart is....this is a completely accurate statement. Over the last few years I have gotten this overwhelming feeling every once in a while that I want to go home. It was confusing to me, because most times I was home. It happened enough that I felt like I had to delve deeper into what it meant to me. At first I thought it was an energetic feeling coming from someone that felt that I was home---but I have discovered that was not it. Then I thought, maybe it is heaven---maybe I wanted to go be with God in my heavenly home. That did not feel right either. I think I have figured it out. I want to go back in time to when my children were all home with me under one roof. Before school happened (the older two were homeschooled), before cancer, or other medical issues, or divorce touched our lives. When every day was ours, just ours to do whatever we wanted. When I could solve every problem they had and I had the responsibility to keep them happy and fed and well rested. Life was so simple then.
I spoke to my sister about it, she said when she feels that way, for her it is going back to living in my parents home--when summer days were long and lazy. I don't want to relive my childhood---I want to relive my childrens. Although I am enjoying this phase of life where I have more freedom personally, I crave the days of snuggling under blankets watching movies and making memories. My heart literally aches when I think about it. And now, we are separated in different states as well as different homes.
I also think it is more to do with who I was when they were little. I miss HER too. She had so much passion and love in her heart. She loved fiercely *pause to take a phone call from my youngest son--yes there was bawling on my part* Ok, she still loves fiercely---it's just different. Everything is different. It is not bad, just different. I love the relationships I have built with my children. I treasure it! I only wish I could go back with the knowledge of how amazing our relationships would be. I would have enjoyed it even more.
Well, my entire mood has shifted after talking to my creme filling child. How amazing that my children are my best friends? How blessed and lucky am I? That is why I miss those times, when it was just the four of us--in our own little bubble. Luckily, I did cherish those moments while they were happening. And I still get glimpses when we are all together. But, as I am realizing, nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. I guess I have not gotten better at letting go of the picture of life the way I want it instead of what it is. Although, back then I never thought past that day. I never thought about what it would be like when they grew up. I just loved the moments. And that is why I do not like change. And I feel the changes will be coming more consistently and I am not sure I am ready.
My hope is that where ever I am, my children will always consider that home. Because my heart belongs to them and they will always be my home no matter what day in the life it is.....
