May the good Lord be with you down every road you roam...

 

I was fortunate enough to have my son in town last week for a few days. Once again as I waited at the gate for him and my daughter in law to emerge I was brought back to so many memories.  Even though they were renting a car there was no way in hell that I would not be waiting for them at that gate.  It has been 7 months since I have seen him.  I remembered my parents waiting at that very same gate dozens of times to greet us when we arrived to visit.  It felt truly surreal.  As soon as I saw him I lost my mind.  I held onto him like I hadn't seen him in years and as if I didn't communicate with him almost daily.   I guess I block the feeling of missing him until he's right in front of me.

As we made our way down to baggage claim and I stood back while they handled their rental car it struck me (as it always does)....he's a man.  He's married and lives a life that I am no longer truly a part of.  While he shares a lot with me and I am grateful he does, I am no longer a key player in this life he lives.  When did that happen?  I suppose as a parent God makes these changes slowly so that we don't notice it and it doesn't sting quite so badly.  But every once in a while -BAM it hits.  This was such a time.  I have never wanted to keep my children little.  I loved every moment (well almost -the 4s were NOT my favorite 😉) and I devoted my life to raising them.  So I didn't miss a moment truth be told, so I always looked at them at whatever age they were and never compared them to the little person they once were.  Until this week.  I watched him navigate a new job, heard him on meetings being introduced to team members and I (as I always am) was stunned at how professional and mature and capable he is.  But that little boy kept popping into my head.  Sometimes it was something he said that reminded me of that magnetic tot.  And my heart ached.  It ached for that time when I was his whole world (except for baseball - I think baseball always took top spot 😅). This is why mother in laws get a bad rap.  Because they can't get over that feeling of loss.

Thankfully, I know he is in good hands.  His wife loves

him and definitely takes very good care of him.  He also still keeps in touch with me frequently and doesn't push that off to his wife.  But this is something no one teaches a mother of sons-that they become men.  And as a woman, I don't always understand his logic and thinking.  Watching my daughter grow up is like watching a new and improved version of me.  The closeness we share is that of almost sisters.  I don't ever wonder - am I overstepping?  Should I say that to her?  Is she going to think I am criticizing her?  I just say whatever it is and it's easy.  With a son, they become men and look at moms differently, they think differently.  They hopefully know that you're proud of them but it's just different.  There is a hidden boundary that cannot be crossed I feel.  It's a respect thing maybe?  I need to respect that he is a man and will do things his own way and doesn't necessarily want my opinion or thoughts.  So, when I am asked I give them, if I am not I keep it to myself.  

It feels weird honestly.  And I never really thought about it before.  But I remember my mother would be very careful what she said to my brother as opposed to what she would say to my sister or me.  I thought she was being ridiculous - that's your son!  I remember her crying because she got a card from my brother that he signed himself and wrote love before his name.  But I get it now, I do.  
And my ex mother in law.  I always felt like she was so good, never interfered.  Now I realize she was trying to be a good mother in law (she was!). I wish I had understood back then just how hard it was for her to lose that connection with her son.  But it is just the circle of life.  It reminds me of that wedding song "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home".   I understand it so well now.  It is the necessary process for growth.  And I am ok with it most of the time.  Like I said, I have never thought about it before last week.

So, for all you daughter in laws out there (I was one of them) be sympathetic when your mother in law does something that pisses you off.  Remember, she gave you one of her most loved and cherished gifts to share your life with.  I remember I made a cross stitch for my mother in law with a poem that she hung in her family room,  it said this ..

Now did I feel all of that?  When I made it I did....not so much most of the time truth be told.  I wanted so badly to be a good daughter in law. I tried so hard to make them comfortable in my home, made their favorite foods, had her favorite wine.  But she had daughters, and I had a mom so we never truly connected.  I wish I had known then what I know now--I would have been more patient and kind with her shortcomings.  Because, let's face it - we ALL have them.  And for all you mother in laws out there---back off.  Your daughter in law is doing the very best she can and your son is not a saint.  She's navigating marriage and should not have to navigate the minefield that is the family dynamic.  And whether you like it or not - she knows your son better than you do!  You know the little boy/young adult he was - she is living with him as a man.  They are different individuals.  And if you have any hope of getting to know that man that he becomes, you need to befriend your daughter in law

and also get to know the man that is now your son.  Accept his choices and personality and everything that comes along with that.

I have always tried to just make my children's lives easier.  I have not put demands on them when it comes to spending time with me or holidays or any of that.   I remember how stressful life can be when you're navigating adulthood and who are we kidding?  LIFE!  It's not easy.  And my job, as their mother is to support them and if that means taking a back seat then that's where I will be.  How lucky am I to have been there since they took their first breath and have the memories of those sticky little fingers and toddler arms wrapped around my neck.  I raised in love a little boy and now he is a man.  A man that I am so very very proud of.  A man that makes tough decisions and stands by them, good or bad.  A man that is not afraid to take chances and who is sought after in his field.

These are the things we need to focus on.  Not the past and what no longer is but the

future and how lucky we are to have gotten this far!  If we did it right our children will still want us to be part of their lives.  We will get to see them do things we wish we had done....or help them pick up the pieces when they make the same mistakes we did.  I remember people saying that I needed to have a daughter, sons leave you blah blah blah.  Guess what?  Having a daughter doesn't necessarily mean they stay.....some mother and daughter relationships are a disaster!  But I do agree that raising a son and raising a daughter are completely different, however I would not trade the experience of both for anything in the world.  And when the time comes that my daughter has a mother in law I hope she remembers that her husband is still that mom's little boy.  And I hope her mother in law respects the fact that my daughter is his future and doesn't overstep.  

So, what I learned this week was that you can't go back.  Looking at my son as the child he once was only hurts my heart and I don't want to go there.  I will do my best to not get my feelings hurt while he is living his life (as he should) that doesn't really include me anymore.  And I will look at him as a man I am so very very proud of, I will be excited when he sends me videos of when he plays softball.  I will cherish every text and phone call and every "Hey mom---can I get your opinion on this?" and be grateful.  Grateful for the role I played in his childhood and the role I will play in his life going forward, whatever that looks like.  And if you're really lucky - moms of sons - you get a best friend for life and if you're extra lucky - one who makes literally the best espresso martinis in the world and you get to toast them and the future they are creating.  Because spending time with my "boy", is never just a day in the life.

Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you--only you can let it in

 New week, new month, new...no...not a new me.  Same old me.  Slightly reformed, definitely upgraded, but somewhere inside I am still me.  So many revelations in the last 4 days since March began.  Sometimes the thoughts race through my head so quickly I cannot even grasp them.  Something seems SO significant, yet when I go to write it down or even run it by someone I can't remember what was so important that I felt it HAD to be an epiphany.  Even as I sit here at my keyboard ready to spew out some profound realization my mind is racing.  So---here goes, not sure it will make any sense or if it will actually be read by anyone other than me, but I'll take a shot!

I have had the same meditation practice in the morning for nearly a year.  I have rotated devotionals and different forms of "manifestation"(I despise that word at the moment) and gratitude (love that word always!).  Lately it is leaving me flat.  I am finding that it feels more like a chore than the uplifting, spiritual connection I am looking for to start my day.  Ok, so switch it up right?  Yeah...ummm.that's a bit of an issue for several reasons.  1.  I cannot focus my brain on anything currently to even attempt to find something else to try.  2.  I am a quitter.  That's right, you read it right---I QUIT.  My mother used to call me lazy and a slob. It is one of those labels I have never been able to shake.  Even as I type it I feel the shame and tears creep up as if I am still that 13 year old girl who did not even understand it fully.  My mother was a machine.  She never stopped, never rested, never took a break.  My childhood home was spotless at any moment on any given day you could eat off the floors.  I felt like I lacked that gene, and as I became an adult I realized.....no...I resented it.  I resented that cleaning always took priority over everything else.  Mom, can we do xyz?  We'll see, after I finish vacuuming/dusting/laundry fill in the blank.  My mother felt that was her way of being valued/worthy/contributing.  It's a long story and I understand why now but remember I was a kid!  Stay with me.   I think this is going somewhere.

Ok, so when I became a mom I refused to let anything take priority over my kids.  My home was never dirty, but it was lived in.  I homeschooled and my kids always had a playroom and I refused to make them clean up the latest episode of Power Rangers or "Dirt" Men/Heros or Barbie's latest adventure at the end of the day because I knew the next day that play would continue and I would never mess with their creativity just for aesthetics.  Those days are long gone and I knew they would go fast.  My kids are all very neat and clean and orderly so it did not make them "slobs", it encouraged their creativity.  And they were always allowed to change their minds without negative feedback.  Which brings me back to me being a "quitter".  I have such a hard time when I realize something isn't working for me anymore - whether it be a journal, a book, a movie, a relationship, clothing---- you name it.  I always question - am I being lazy?  Am I not giving it enough effort?  Is it just a mood?  59 years old and I still need permission from that 13 year old girl to move on!

This morning my daughter and I were having our morning "debrief" as we have begun to call it.  And we were discussing this issue.  We have both started doing "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrnes.  We are on day 17 and it required a print out.  I printed 2 and I went to give her one. Well my incredible daughter said "Ma, that's not working for me anymore - I am just gonna stop doing it."  I squirmed in my seat, holding my coffee mug between both hands, "Um well I think I need to find something to replace it, I just..I mean I am ..."  "Tina Marie!" she exclaimed "No!  You are allowed to take a break!  Give me all those self help/spiritual books.  I think you've done enough work on yourself!  It's OK to just BE!"   She's so wise----no clue where she got that from.(kidding - I know I did an incredible job on her -I gave her permission to be who she is without labels.😇). Jeez, I am getting all misty and again my thoughts are all over the place.  Ok...where was I ....oh that's right....How to know when it's ok to quit/change your mind/ move on to something else.

When is it ok to give yourself permission to give up?  To say this is not working anymore I will no longer do this.  Does everyone have an issue with this or is it just me?  Yesterday I was watching some of my favorite trash/reality TV and a mother and daughter were speaking to a therapist and the mom said well I don't let things really bother me.  And slowly it came out that she took things that hurt her and put them away for a better time to address it...and eventually they all got shoved in a closet and were never dealt with.  And she came to the realization that eventually she stopped feeling---stopped feeling disappointment, hurt, sadness....hmmmm damn it.  I felt the tears flowing down my face.  Shit.   I thought all along I was growing and healing and look at me!  Nothing hurts anymore - I am bulletproof.  I am so easy going - look at me taking it all in stride.  I am a machine.......oh...where have I heard that before.  If we do not admit the mistakes we have made we are destined to repeat them.  I have protected my heart so much that I didn't even realize how much things hurt.  So....I pulled out my trusty journal and out it all came.  I am not a cold bitch after all.  I have just had too much hurt and disappointment and unrequited love and devotion for this lifetime.  That is why I keep people at arms length.  Not because I don't care, but because I care too much and it is rarely reciprocated (hence the self help books---there MUST be something wrong with me because no one really truly cares about me long term).  Well no amount of self-healing/work will change that so guess what?  I quit.  I am keeping this version of me and if I am the only one who accepts her then so be it.  I worked really hard on her. 

 I am grateful for any of you who actually got through this maze of thoughts (welcome to my brain lately-scary place).  There is another book inside me somewhere and I need to figure out what it is because I have been really needing a creative outlet.  Reading/doing "The Magic" has made me realize that maybe not everyone is grateful everyday....maybe people don't thank people for the little things --- maybe I am a "Wacko" (as my dad so kindly labeled me for many years)...so be it.  I will continue to try to shine a light when I can and not hide in the shadows when I can't.  I am ready to find that new morning routine that lights me up again and I won't stop until I find it....because it's not quitting, it is just a day in the life!